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I hate this dispicable disease

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1266
Joined: Jun 2010

It has taken so many precious lives and now Linda(Clamryn). I have been on this board for two years and have never known so many truly genuine, kind, loving and supportive women. My heart is breaking once again. As I said to Shannon, we already knew Linda was having a tough time but she still came to the board to give words of encouragement. She consoled me when I was going through the steps to find out if I had a recurrence.

It is hard to remain hopeful when this disease is so powerful. I try very hard not to give way to fear because if I do I will become a basket case. It seems like this monster is kept at bay for a while and then takes control.

I pray we all may find peace with this new loss but it gets harder all the time. I love you ladies and know that if I didn't have you I would go nuts. I feel closer to you than many members of my family. I am blessed to have you. I could never explain to anyone the connection I have with you.

Thank you.

Dear Linda rest in peace. Que te duermes con los angeles.

Karen

kimberly sue 63's picture
kimberly sue 63
Posts: 391
Joined: Apr 2012

Karen,

I too always get overwhelmed with the loss of another. However, I was impressed that Linda beat the odds. She beat the disease 21 years and that is something to remember and to keep us all hopeful. Kim

davevg
Posts: 114
Joined: May 2011

Yes it is very difficult when someone passes on here. I feel I know you all kind of like cyber neighbors.

Dave & Tina VG

poopergirl14052's picture
poopergirl14052
Posts: 1142
Joined: Nov 2010

A very mean and cruel cancer....I HATE IT...it sucks..Val

lovesanimals's picture
lovesanimals
Posts: 1209
Joined: Sep 2011

I agree with you 100%!

Kelly

lulu1010's picture
lulu1010
Posts: 367
Joined: Feb 2011

Love you and praying for you! Linda

LoveButterflies's picture
LoveButterflies
Posts: 73
Joined: Feb 2012

karen, You put into words exactly what I was thinking. I've thought a lot about Linda and Shannon's post the last couple of days. What her family must be going through right now. How can I spare my kids from going through the same thing? But, I realize it's all in God's hands and only He knows the amount of time He will give me. I can't dwell on the what if's, only treasure each moment I have with them and make each one count.

I pray for continued courage, strength and faith for each and every one of us.

(((hugs)))

Carmen

jadav1956
Posts: 95
Joined: May 2011

I agree with you Carmen. It is in God's hands. We all take one day at a time, and live it to the fullest. I also treasure every moment with family that I can. I pray every day for all of us. Everything we do or have done is a big help to anyone going through this terrible disease, and hopefully there will be a cure someday soon. Blessings Jackie

garden gal
Posts: 212
Joined: Nov 2010

You took the words right out of my mouth. Thanks you Kathy

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1313
Joined: Nov 2009

Thank you so much for putting words to how we are feeling. My heart breaks for Linda's family and I think we were considered part of that. Linda would want us to pull up our big girl panties and enjoy the life we have, like she did. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut.
(((HUGS))) Maria

poopergirl14052's picture
poopergirl14052
Posts: 1142
Joined: Nov 2010

I feel like I am losing hope. I don't want to feel this way...can't help it. Please help me....Val

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1266
Joined: Jun 2010

to that feeling, Val. It's just that when we lose "one of us" it hits so close to home. I felt sad yesterday after reading about Linda and I then I got this lonely feeling. This weekend is our famous Garlic Festival and my mom's goddaughter, who we are very close to came down. I was looking forward to spending time with her but she and her friends kept busy, going to Santa Cruz Friday night and the Garlic Festival Saturday. I thought she would stay with us but decided to stay at the motel with her friends. My son went to his cousin's birthday party near Sacramento and spent the night.

My mom is better but according to her is still sick. I have already mentioned her negative attitude. She was in the hospital due to bursitis on her hip but now is telling everyone she feels weird because of the pain medication she was given. I am taking care of her, I make her lunch and dinner and serve it to her at her spot in the living room. When her goddaughter asked if she would like to go to dinner with them, she said, "me go to dinner, I'm sick!"

Anyway I was in my room and I felt this feeling of life going on without me. This disease ravages our bodies but I sometimes think what it does to our minds and emotions is much more devastating. The constant unknown. Is it back, how bad is it, can it be stopped, how much time do I really have?

Right before my first CA 125 rise, I had begun thinking that this was my golden time. I was in remission but of course had no way of knowing if it would last or how long so I made myself conscious of each day. Now that I know I have a recurrence, I consider this the golden time. The time before I will have to have chemo again. Of course that is unknown too. I think I am just tired of worrying while trying to maintain a positive and grateful attitude about life.

I have little patience with people who complain about everything. I want to say, "at least you don't have cancer." I want to tell my mom, you are 88, you still go to work part-time, you are able to walk around, drive, you have me, you have a grandson. You don't have cancer! I know I will more than likely not see 88 or anything close to it. I will probably not live to see a grandchild. For God's sake be happy about what you have. She would hate it if I talked about cancer the way she talks about her ailments. I basically don't talk about it to spare her feelings. I wish she would reciprocate.

I started this post to apologize if I contributed to Val's feelings and I have put more negativity out there. I'm sorry but as we have all agreed, this is our place to share whatever we need to. I have people that I can talk to but I don't want those relationships to be about cancer. Those are the people I most want to have fun with because they truly care about me. My inner circle.

I am honestly not such a downer most of the time and I know I will put my life back into perspective. It has been a rough couple of weeks. But I am aware that other people are dealing with so much more.

I guess I am out of words...aren't you glad?

Love you guys,

Karen

poopergirl14052's picture
poopergirl14052
Posts: 1142
Joined: Nov 2010

Just. Been down a little since chemo switch.....I will pull myself up again. And finish my 6th tx on Thursday. Thank you for caring....Val

garden gal
Posts: 212
Joined: Nov 2010

Every time I read your post it's like reading my mind. There are days I can't take any more of this disease and then there are days I don't even think about it until some one says how are you feeling? It really is hard to deal with this disease, thats why I love this blog so much. I feel so lonely sometimes, I'm not alone, I have my husband, two other children and a lot of relatives and friends around me, but yet I still feel like I'm alone dealing with this dreaded disease. Thank you so much for being there and thank you for telling us how you feel. I'm sure there is a lot of us who agree to exactly what your saying. Before my mother died 2 years ago, I went through the same thing your going through now. Dealing with her aches and pains each day got to be very difficult. Like you I wanted to tell her at least your alive and your not dealing with cancer on a daily basis, but of course I didn't say anything to her. Keep posting and keep telling us how you feel everyday or every minute if it makes you feel better. Just so you know I open your post first whenever I open this blog. Love you and hope your day goes a little bit better. Kathy

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1266
Joined: Jun 2010

coming from you, Kathy. I notice your posts as well because I am happy that you are feeling well enough to come here considering what you have just gone through.

Low and behold I believe my mom has taken a turn for the better. She freshened up, got dressed and brought out her paint-by-number (which she is so good at) to work on. My whole spirit lightened up.

My son came in my room and told me a couple of friends were coming in to use the bathroom before they headed out to the Garlic Festival. I assumed guy friends but was pleased to meet two lovely young ladies who were so nice. They loved my house and oohed and awed over my mom's artwork which made her day. She started bringing out others for them to look at. My son is a nice guy and usually picks the same kind of friends but I don't meet girls too often. He likes to keep private.

Kathy, I am a frustrated writer. I say frustrated because although I have written since I was a child, I have never really pursued it. I have taken classes. An obituary I wrote for a friend was published in the local newspaper as well as a long-winded letter to the editor which was published as a guest editor. I also have a blog that I am not very faithful to. It is: lifeatcatnipcottage.blogspot.com

My best to all of you ladies who are so important in my life.

Karen

lovesanimals's picture
lovesanimals
Posts: 1209
Joined: Sep 2011

I'm so glad that things are better for you on the home front. That is what is so terrific about this board. We can freely share the good, the bad and the ugly and know that the wonderful women here will not judge us but be sympathetic, supportive, and most important, truly understand what we're going through.

Love to you all,
Kelly

garden gal
Posts: 212
Joined: Nov 2010

I thought there might be more to your blogs. Your blogs are so well put and read beautiful to me, I think you have a real talent. Maybe somehow you can start to write. Glad to hear your mother had a better day. Which reminds me of some thing else My mother use to paint also. Today I'm struggling with being so tired. Can't seem to perk up no energy, just plain tired, oh well the sun is shinning and I'm not in any pain today, so far. If you want Karen I'll give you my phone number, maybe we can have a good chat someday, I'd love it. Love to everyone, don't mean to leave any one out of the confersation. Kathy

kimberly sue 63's picture
kimberly sue 63
Posts: 391
Joined: Apr 2012

Val you have been so strong....chin up....you are a fighter and you will get it under control again. One day at a time. Kim

kayandok
Posts: 1223
Joined: Jun 2008

the lowest I ever got in the last 5 years is when I was on cisplation. I swear it messed with my brain, not to mention my body. I'm glad you are only have one more to go. You will make it and feel better soon!
love you,
katheen

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