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i'm sad

kimberly sue 63's picture
kimberly sue 63
Posts: 396
Joined: Apr 2012

Just posting a vent today....I'm sad....

My whole life has changed since March. In the beginning I was strong...believing 18 weeks of chemo, I can do it!!!I work every morning and see my own patients. Then every afternoon I try to sleep or at least rest. I've changed my diet and eating habits. I have chickens now so that they will eventually lay eggs that I can eat knowing they have no hormones or antibiotics in them. I have a fantastic family, friends, and co-workers who support me everyday. All of them would do anything for me. My husband has been so wonderful. My youngest daughter has been visiting for a month and it has been great to have her home.I live in a wonderful home, I have great job, and I have the best family and friends in the world. I am truly blessed.

But I'm sad....I'm sad I have cancer, I'm sad it kills my good cells and it makes me weak and overwhelmed. This cancer made me cancel my vacation this year. I'm sad I'm not in Italy this week sitting on the beach. My daughter returns to Denmark Thursday and I'm sad because it will be a while before I see her again. My third daughter is also going to Denmark Thursday. She has decided to go to bakery school over there. I'm glad for her getting such a great opportunity....but I'm sad because I miss her too all ready.I'm sad that everyday when I get ready for work, I cry because I have to wear a wig or a scarf because this cancer took my hair.

I feel weak being sad....I know getting blood tomorrow can boost my energy and over all my moral. I know when I feel better, I'll feel strong again and say I can do this. But I also know this cancer will beat me down again and I'll have to deal with ...sad.... again.I don't like the sad that cancer has brought to my life.

Thanks for listening! Kim

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 755
Joined: Sep 2011

Kim honey, you'r trying too hard! You are supposed to be sad, it keeps the mind from breaking completely. Your tired, scared and you are grieving for the normal life you use to have. Your children are going back to their every day life, which you want, but we are stuck with this uncalled for death sentence! It's not fair and is humiliating, and it hurts! Now tell me WHY you are sad? It's all part of the process. You know it does get better, then it gets worse, and the roller-coaster starts all over again. Let yourself grieve, then take a deep breath and go with the flow. Remember, it's just a bad DAY, not a bad LIFE! Best, Debrajo

kayandok
Posts: 1223
Joined: Jun 2008

thanks for sharing. You have a lot of losses to grieve and it is no wonder you are sad. Wish I could be there to give you a huge hug.
kathleen

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1316
Joined: Nov 2009

it creeps in on all of us. Staying positive can sometimes feel like a full time job and when you're weakened by chemo, it can feel overwhelming. Here's hoping that blood will give you that extra ooomph and congrats on your daughter's opportunity!
(((HUGS))) Maria

lovesanimals's picture
lovesanimals
Posts: 1237
Joined: Sep 2011

We understand your sadness and are glad you are coming to this board to share your feelings. Sending you big hugs and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

Kelly

Glad to be done's picture
Glad to be done
Posts: 558
Joined: Jul 2012

Hi kim... How are you feeling today?

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1270
Joined: Jun 2010

or any other emotion. This disease comes unannounced and uninvited into our lives and tries to take everything away. I was blindsighted when I got my diagnosis because for some reason I was sure I would never get cancer. That same day I was told by a gastroenterologist that I was Stage IV and nothing could be done. Later that day I ended up in the ER because my heart went out of rhythm. Thankfully when I saw my surgeon a few days later he gave me hope. The rest of my story is pretty much the same as the other ladies on this board, chemo, surgery, more chemo, remission (18 months) and a recurrence.

My emotions have run the gamut throughout this ordeal. I have felt sad because I no longer have the life I had or expected to have. I have felt scared, hopeless, confused but I have also felt grateful, happy and even lucky. Lucky because some people don't even have a chance.

We learn to live our "new normal." I hope I don't sound preachy but I think the other ladies on the board will agree.

So in my own long-winded way I just want to say feel what you feel. Today you are sad but tomorrow you may feel happy. Or you might just be mad at the world!

My best to you Kim

Karen

kimberly sue 63's picture
kimberly sue 63
Posts: 396
Joined: Apr 2012

Thanks to all....I'm still sad, but I feel a little better since getting blood. I was to have chemo today, but it was cancelled again ....this time due to low platelets. So this is my second week in a row with no chemo. I should feel relieved, but I'm frustrated because it just means it will take longer to complete my chemo regime.
I hope some day I come to accept my cancer and learn to live and enjoy my new normal. Right now is an adjustment and one that I am struggling with. It will get better. Thanks to all of you and your ongoing support. Kim

2timothy1 7's picture
2timothy1 7
Posts: 333
Joined: Jan 2012

Hi there,
It will get better when you feel better and are done with chemo. I'm 2 months out from my treatments.
You will get there! Also wanted to tell you I read on another post where tahini will help with platelets.
Wish you the best,
Shawnna

Ruffy7
Posts: 126
Joined: Sep 2011

I agree with Karen. I found that when I "fought" what I was feeling - whatever it was - I couldn't get past it. As soon as I accepted that I was sad, scared, depressed, in denial, relieved, anxious, etc... the feeling would pass after a bit. It's been over a year since my dx and I'm still struggling with the new "normal". I still do many of the things I did before but I don't feel the same about them anymore. There was another post about going back to work, and as I said there, for me, it has been one of the most important things to keep me focused. I don't do very well if I have too much free time to think, worry. Without work, I would probably really be in major depression. That's me though, cancer and how we handle it is very individual. Hang in there, things do get better. Ruffy

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