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can't stop crying

3milie's picture
3milie
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2012

Today and the last month I have been crying daily. I am working from home now , because working as as ICU vet tech is not something I can do while I am on ABVD and dealing with HL.
My relationships I have with with my sisters are falling apart. I feel like I can't face the world. I was so strong, I am strong. I don't understand why I can't pull it together. Even writing this is making me cry. I have been to see a therapist, but I can't let go of the feeling of being a burden. I have always been a do it myself woman. This depression is torture. I have to get another chemo round on Monday. Help.

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi 3milie

First I want to say welcome to our wonderful group.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. Cancer is not for sissys, that's for sure. Your strength both physicialy and mentaly is bound to have ups and downs. You are not a burden at all. You are a strong woman who is in a battle she didn't ask to be in. It's hard. Very hard at times. Many people you care about, just may never understand what it is like.
The fear, the positives, and everything in between.
Everything you are feeling and going through is normal. Crying is normal.
Are you taking anything for the depression? If not, you may want to ask your therapist to give you something. Or you can/should ask your onc to prescribe you something. When you are in a battle, any and all forms of help should be utilized.

Sending you huge hugs and a cyber shoulder to wipe your tears on. I am here for you along with everyone else.

(((hugs)))
Lisha

PS Look for the post from Jim (jimwins) he posted an article from huffington post and it really helps to say what so many of us are feeling, about living with cancer. I would do a link, but my computer savy is just not there..

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3173
Joined: Jul 2010

Maybe this will help you Milie....Love...Sue

The Things I Wish I Were Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer

Your relationships are about to change. All of them. Some will get stronger. They will probably not be with the people you would expect. The people you want to handle this well might not be able to for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons will be selfish. Some of them will be entirely innocent and circumstantial. All of them will be forgivable because no one plans for cancer. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help your recovery. Fighting for anyone to stick with you won't cure you. Those who can, will.

You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won't lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it.

You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You'll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it "chemo brain" for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand.

The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don't understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You'll cry together too. Then you'll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this.

The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don't look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won't have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won't die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive.

Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn't be a game played on anyone's terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won't do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don't have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they'll forgive you. They get that you're going through something they can't imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable.

You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren't so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world -- strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever.

You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven't spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues... even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking.

When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again.

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3173
Joined: Jul 2010

Hope this helps Milie...Love...Sue

The Things I Wish I Were Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer

Your relationships are about to change. All of them. Some will get stronger. They will probably not be with the people you would expect. The people you want to handle this well might not be able to for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons will be selfish. Some of them will be entirely innocent and circumstantial. All of them will be forgivable because no one plans for cancer. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help your recovery. Fighting for anyone to stick with you won't cure you. Those who can, will.

You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won't lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it.

You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You'll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it "chemo brain" for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand.

The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don't understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You'll cry together too. Then you'll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this.

The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don't look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won't have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won't die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive.

Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn't be a game played on anyone's terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won't do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don't have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they'll forgive you. They get that you're going through something they can't imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable.

You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren't so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world -- strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever.

You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven't spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues... even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking.

When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again.

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3173
Joined: Jul 2010

Didn't mean to double post...sorry! Sue

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2072
Joined: Aug 2011

Sue, I thought you were supposed to be fishin' - LOL and "Bless your heart" to
quote an often used southern expression ;).

Here's the link to that article:

The Things I Wish I Were Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer

Big hugs...

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3173
Joined: Jul 2010

Hey Jim,
We were leaving tonight around 8:00, but I guess the plans have changed slightly and we will be leaving this afternoon at 5:00 My son wants to get across White Pass before dark...tons of Elk to watch out for! Don't want to hit one those bad boys/girls...either one would put a halt to our trip..ha! I'll post pictures "IF" I catch my limit of fish.Have a good day...Sue (FNHL-2-3a-6/10)

P.S. I still can't figure out to do that link thing you do...I know you've shown us how, but I'm a real dim wit with learning new computer stuff...ha! :)

Aaron's picture
Aaron
Posts: 241
Joined: Jun 2012

That artIcle is so spot on Sue, thanks for posting it. 3milie I think sometimes people just hear the word cancer and they shut off and change the subject, I should know I was one of them so I understand the discomfort it causes. As to crying I sure understand that. I find myself fighting tears all the time especially when I'm looking at or thinking about my daughter. I sure wish I had more answers ( I'd give myself some too ) but I think all we can do is stay as strong as we can and cherish the ones in our lives that are here for us during our hour of need. I can sure say that the friends I've made on his board are and will continue to be critical parts of my journey towards recovery. To quote one now " dream of tomorrow"

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Thanks Sue for posting the article. I'm with you, I cannot figure out how to do a link. My girls tell me it's so easy. Ha! Yeah right. Oh well.

Thanks Jim for putting up the link. One of these days I'm going to take private lessons from you on how to do a link. Then I will surprise everyone and show you all my new talent. Looking forward to that day..

Lisha

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2072
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Emilie,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.
Sending you a big warm hug - take a breath, relax and feel the hug.
There will many coming from us :).

I know this is hard but you are undoubtedly a strong and caring person.
You will get through this.

You work with animals so I have a question for you. My brother in law
has a poodle that barks incessantly - especially when you leave him.
As poodles go, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed but is very
loving in his own way. I think he gets enough attention but it can
be quite annoying at times. He generally stops when you pick him up.

Any suggestions?

Hugs and positive thoughts,

Jim
DX: DLBL 4/2011, Chemo completed 10/2011, currently in remission. :)

diazr1's picture
diazr1
Posts: 101
Joined: Mar 2012

Right now its all about YOU... dont worry you are never a burden. When we go through this alot of people make it about them when its not . My brother hasnt talked to me in 3 years and I reach out to him and nada. You will see who you true friends are but the sad thing is we will find out that there will be a few of them . Let me know if you want my email so you can ask directly . Since I am also a Stage 4 HL

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Milie,
You are going to have ups and downs in the beginning and at other times as you go along this unknown journey. Its normal and really expected. If you didn't there would be something wrong. You have been around for 30 some years and now are facing something you never thought you'd face. Its all new and hard to handle. We all know exactly what you are going thru. We all been there and for some of us we are still there. You don't know quite how to handle all this stuff. None of us do. It will get easier as more answers come along. You never thought depression could be like this. None of us ever did either. You will find as time goes along how everything takes on a different light in the way you look at things. We will always be here for you. So just hop on here and pour your heart out. We will listen . We are like a family to everyone here. John

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Milie,
You are going to have ups and downs in the beginning and at other times as you go along this unknown journey. Its normal and really expected. If you didn't there would be something wrong. You have been around for 30 some years and now are facing something you never thought you'd face. Its all new and hard to handle. We all know exactly what you are going thru. We all been there and for some of us we are still there. You don't know quite how to handle all this stuff. None of us do. It will get easier as more answers come along. You never thought depression could be like this. None of us ever did either. You will find as time goes along how everything takes on a different light in the way you look at things. We will always be here for you. So just hop on here and pour your heart out. We will listen . We are like a family to everyone here. John

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Dear Millie,

This is all so new to you. I see you were DX in April 2012. When I was dx
in Sept 2009 the depression I went through was unbearable. I thought I would go
crazy. I wish I could of cried like you, but nothing came out. I think this is
worse. There was no outlet for my pain.

It is very important you get medication for your depression. You have to be strong,
physically and mentally. As far as your sister's, I am so sorry. Life is not only
the good times. Instead, do you have any friend's that will understand?

The strongest of us, are the one's that fall apart.

I hope the days ahead will be better. Love Maggie

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