Talking to the kids

On Friday we told my two kids (5 and 8) about the fact that I am going to have an amputation to treat my cancer and, have to say, it was one of the hardest things I have done yet on this journey. They already knew I have cancer, that it is something growing in my pelvis that gives me a 'poorly leg', which limits what I do at times and for which I get treatment but we thought we needed to tell them our plan for surgery and give them time (6-8 weeks) to get their heads around it before it happens.

There were a lot of tears all round and was pleased they felt able to ask a number of questions but, boy, was it hard. My 5 year old daughter was quite practical and random ('will your new leg have hair?', 'will you have to take you trousers off to have the operation?') but my son's questions were harder and his reaction more affecting. He and I always did a lot of sport together and he asked alot about what I will and won't be able to do and also about how embarrassing it will be for me (and I guess for him). Ultimately he he felt 'nothing will ever be normal again' which was hard to hear (partly because he has a point).

They have talked more about over the weekend including raising it themselves and my son has been able to find some more positives at times and talk without getting upset. It is a real bombshell for them, while we have had some time to get used to the idea and sits outside their realm of understanding in many ways. We have talked to the school counsellor and the kids have agreed they would like her to talk to them later this week. My son also agreed for us to get other parents to talk to his friends in advance of it happening so they understand (he was afraid of crying at school and people not knowing why and of people teasing him). We also have a book, some one here suggested, on the way, about a teddy with an amputation, so hope that helps the discussion progress particularly for my daughter.

As a parent it is such a strong drive to protect our kids from all that is horrible in this world and when we can't it really challenges something basic in us. I think we have done the right thing and I was proud of the kids in how they responded but hate having to do this to them.

How have others faced telling kids stuff? Our approach has been to avoid anything too far ahead in the future or anything we don't know for sure eg we have never raised the fact the cancer will kill me if I don't get this treatment. This is the first really hard stuff we have had to be really open about. We haven't done the details (urostomy/ colostomy stuff can wait for a while) but will have to face them in time.


As parents we feel like we are blundering through this some what blindly, trying to do the best we can- but in truth that is what parenting is all about! It's hard enough without having to explain amputations!

steve