I lost my mom May 19th to lung cancer. I am having a very difficult time dealing with it all and feel so alone and just need someone to talk with.
Here is my story:
My mom was diagnosed July 2011 with NSCLC. It has spread to her lymph nodes but no where else. She went through Chemo and Radiation and proactive brain radiation in case there were any cells they couldnt see on scans. My mom, not very emotionally strong of a person amazed me with her strenght, courage and positive outlook through this! About 6 months later, a scan revilled that the cancer had then spread to her brain. Like the fighter she then was, she had another round of radiation with cyber knife. We knew that this was the last of our options. Mom wasnt ready to come to terms with it though. She kept on fighting. Over the next couple months mom was in and out of the hospital the majority of the months. She then was unable to walk. I took a lot of time off of work to stay with mom and care for her every need.
The hospice nurse came out and talked with mom and mom finally accepted and felt that she had not much time left. Mom didnt want to live like that anymore. She gave up her fight. We took her into hospice on the evening of May 18th. I stayed with her that night at hospice. It was the hardest, most difficult night of my life. She passed away May 19th. My mom passed away holding my hand, just 15 minutes after her grandson, my son, her world, came in and said his good-bye.
The part I am struggling with is watching her go through what she did that night and the fact that I consented to them giving mom pain medication to keep her comfortable since she was in respitory distress. I keep going over in my head, what if I would have had them back off the medications, would she have been able to say her goodbyes? What if there was something she wanted or needed to say before she passed? At one point she opened her blue eyes so wide and looked up with out blinking for what seemed like a couple minutes. It was like she wanted to say something but couldnt. I cant get that out of my head.
I miss her so much and life just doesnt seem right without her. I told her when she was alive that I would be okay. Now that she is gone, I am not okay. I hurt daily. I feel like i need to talk to people. I need to be able to cope with this.