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Lost my mom, needing support

JEWELS1180
Posts: 8
Joined: Jun 2012

I lost my mom May 19th to lung cancer. I am having a very difficult time dealing with it all and feel so alone and just need someone to talk with.
Here is my story:

My mom was diagnosed July 2011 with NSCLC. It has spread to her lymph nodes but no where else. She went through Chemo and Radiation and proactive brain radiation in case there were any cells they couldnt see on scans. My mom, not very emotionally strong of a person amazed me with her strenght, courage and positive outlook through this! About 6 months later, a scan revilled that the cancer had then spread to her brain. Like the fighter she then was, she had another round of radiation with cyber knife. We knew that this was the last of our options. Mom wasnt ready to come to terms with it though. She kept on fighting. Over the next couple months mom was in and out of the hospital the majority of the months. She then was unable to walk. I took a lot of time off of work to stay with mom and care for her every need.
The hospice nurse came out and talked with mom and mom finally accepted and felt that she had not much time left. Mom didnt want to live like that anymore. She gave up her fight. We took her into hospice on the evening of May 18th. I stayed with her that night at hospice. It was the hardest, most difficult night of my life. She passed away May 19th. My mom passed away holding my hand, just 15 minutes after her grandson, my son, her world, came in and said his good-bye.
The part I am struggling with is watching her go through what she did that night and the fact that I consented to them giving mom pain medication to keep her comfortable since she was in respitory distress. I keep going over in my head, what if I would have had them back off the medications, would she have been able to say her goodbyes? What if there was something she wanted or needed to say before she passed? At one point she opened her blue eyes so wide and looked up with out blinking for what seemed like a couple minutes. It was like she wanted to say something but couldnt. I cant get that out of my head.
I miss her so much and life just doesnt seem right without her. I told her when she was alive that I would be okay. Now that she is gone, I am not okay. I hurt daily. I feel like i need to talk to people. I need to be able to cope with this.

arlekim's picture
arlekim
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2012

Dear Jewels

I'm so sorry for your lost. I understand how you are feeling, been thru it with my father when he passed in 2001. But understand that this process is normal and with time it will ease Lil by Lil. Remember, she is pain free now and resting. It's hard to read this but it will get better. I will keep you n your family in my prayers..

Marcia

mybravemom
Posts: 20
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi Honey,
My name is Leslie and I have not been on here in a while, I just came accross your post. Let me first say I am so sorry about how you feel and for the loss of your mom. I think that you and I have alot in common. I just lost my mom May 3, 2012 from stage 4 lung cancer with mets to the brain. She was diagnosed in Sept. of 2011 and we lost her May of 2012. It was a horrific battle and never did she ever catch a break! My sister and I never left her side and took her to every appointment (which seemed to be every other day...LOL).

Really, I wanted you to know that I am hurting too thinking that maybe we did not do enough, or that maybe the doctors did not do enough either...I have thoughts daily of what I had went through with my mom as well and think about all the trials and tribulations that she went thru just to fight. She was a wonderful mom and grandma, we all miss her terribly. My 2 siblings and myself feel a terrible void in our lives (since my dad has been gone for 24 yrs now). She lived for her children and grandchildren.

This is such a difficult part of life to deal with, I know, but you have to think that your mom would not wanted to have lived if she was not what she wanted herself to be. My mom was also very independent and when that was taken from her, I believe her fight was over. Please remember that you did all that you could have done under the circumstances, you are were there for her every step of the way whether it was a good day or a bad day. Take all the memories and hold onto them whether good or bad. The memories are all you have so cherish them, think of her everyday (which I am sure that you do and you always will)and trust me she is thinking of you and looking down at you everyday wishing she could be with you! She is with you every day I promise you. As you make decisions or choices for yourself or your son, you will stop and listen to what your mom would have told you to do and when that happens, that will give you some comfort!

Please take care of yourself, I am more than happy to talk if you need too. I am not on here much anymore, so here is my information:
Leslie Michaelian
lmichaelia@aol.com

Please do not hesitate to contact me at all, I will check on here again soon to see if you responded!

Take care and stay strong,
Leslie :)

Kristy1978
Posts: 5
Joined: Jun 2012

Dear Jewels,

I am so sorry for the lose of your mom. I too lost my mom on June 20, 2012. She was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer on March 1, 2012 and went through chemo/radiation combo. Despite the treatments her cancer spread to her brain, bone, and spine. They continued radiation on her brain, but it did not do any good. The last 2 weeks of her life I was her sole caregiver. It is very tough to be a daughter and caregiver at the same time. Many times I question whether or not I did the right thing, but deep down I know I did my mom proud. Please do not beat yourself up over what could have been or should have been. You did what was best for your mom and that was making her comfortable. You too did your mom proud. It's so hard watching a loved one go through such hell, and it's so hard when they pass. I miss my mom so much and I wonder if life will ever be normal again. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you find peace.

Kristy

Ex_Rock_n_Roller's picture
Ex_Rock_n_Roller
Posts: 267
Joined: Mar 2011

Sorry to hear about your mom and the state you find yourself in. I'm not really qualified to comment since I've only been a patient and not a caregiver, but I absolutely think you have to give yourself total credit for doing the right thing, and rest easy knowing that. Your mom knew the score, and I'm sure she would have said what she wanted to say before the very end, and not have waited to the last minute. I know I would. It was totally selfless and honorable for you to put her comfort above all else, in my humble opinion. She was blessed to have you there to make the right decision.

All you can do is try to move on and keep living a life she would have been proud of. All the best to you.

Steve

Dapsterd's picture
Dapsterd
Posts: 291
Joined: Jun 2010

Similar things with my Dad, who died of Lymphoma, i have LC. We pumped him with Morphine the last week, what if we waited?....i dont know.....how does one know the correct thinking?....he was 79 did everything he wanted, did ok for his family....god took him, it was time to go, it was time time to move on, my mom and dad would have celebrated 59 yrs of marriage this June.

What does one say, I am 49, if I live to 79 i am golden !!!

Dave

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