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Advice? Watching loved one self destruct!!

MelanieT's picture
Posts: 188
Joined: Nov 2009

It has been awhile since I have been on here but really feel this is my soft place to land!! My husband was diagnosed with 3C colon cancer July 2009. After tumor removal( colostomy ) , bowl resection ( illeostomy) , blood clots to the lungs and 9 months of chemo he became NED...He was 39 at the time and had to stop drinking( which he did quite a bit) and tabacco chewing... Well he now for almost a year has decided he has beat it forever! Drinks excessive, chews a can a day and has not been to the dr in almost 9 months!! Won't get his CEA checked, no scans or check ups. I no I am not his Mom( as he says) but I can't help but think this will come back and it will be too late..... I think what angers me the most is watching other friends who still are battling cancer and some not winning even though they are fighting hard!! I feel like the HELL I went through with all of this was for nothing!! His solution , let's just get divorced so I can live and you can stop nagging!! Has anyone gone through this and what did you do?? I am considering divorce because watching him destruct is worse!!! Thanks for letting me vent.....


PhillieG's picture
Posts: 4747
Joined: May 2005

You're in a tough position. It also sounds like he has other "issues" that he feels he needs to get back to (drinking and chewing) He also sounds like he believes his battle is over and it's party time.
Cancer changes a person, sometimes for the worse...
What you have to face is not pleasant but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

maglets's picture
Posts: 2488
Joined: Jun 2006

I feel so sorry for you melanie. I doubt very much if he thinks he has beaten it....to me the drinking and chewing are not signs of party time but serious fear and terror. my guess is he is so afraid that cancer will come back that he is just running scared. Also he could in fact be depressed...hence a sort of .....well cancer is going to kill me anyway so I might as well do whatever the heck I want and kill myself first.

tough tough times.....

just another humble opinion


Posts: 836
Joined: Apr 2004

Welcome back to your soft place. There are many here who will understand both your's and your husband's positions well but in truth I sense you simply need a neutral place to off load and here is great for that. There are a lot of possible interpretations as to what is driving your husband's behaviour and the other problems in your relationship (which I suspect go beyond just his drinking and chewing) including two very valid thoughts above. You are best placed to really understand what it means though and in truth there is a chance it has nothing to do with cancer and is more simply a relationship in real trouble. I guess for me the question is whether there is anything you (or anyone else) can do to improve or change it. At present it sounds like an unhealthy uncommunicating stale mate where you are being pushed into a role he is finding nagging and he is responding by pushing you away.

It is even harder to face relationship problems when you have invested more care in this relationship due to his illness than many people at your age would have been asked to do. That emotional investment makes thoughts about ending the relationship even harder to tolerate. Will he talk healthily about it to you/ some one else/ a counsellor? Or is it an unchangeable situation that you have the impossible decision of deciding to stay or go (he is pushing this decision to be yours as it is probably just as intolerable for him to think about ending too).

No real answers but in truth I guess you don't come here looking for them. Cancer (if that is what is at the root of this) is as eroding and undermining of the health of a relationship as it is to the health of a person. Some hard thinking and harder choices lie ahead- I wish you all the best.


Posts: 125
Joined: May 2012

Melanie - I'm so sorry you are going through this. The disease/treatments are bad enough, and now you have emotional/relational issues to deal with too. I agree with Mags - it sounds like he's scared. It's easier to ignore the hard stuff and party on, than to face the tough battle and the possibility that he might not win. I think many of us have felt this way from time to time ("Oh what the hell, I'll just give up and die having fun"). The difference is we get past these feelings. The alcohol issue is probably compounding the feelings in many ways. You might want to consider some counseling -- even if he won't go wiht you, perhaps you can gain some perspective on your role in all of this.

I'll be thinking about you.

MelanieT's picture
Posts: 188
Joined: Nov 2009

Thank you EVERYONE! Every point that was made just puts it all the more in prospective! He refuses counseling but am finally seeing I need it for my health at this point.. His argument in this all is before cancer I was a wife, friend, lover etc... After cancer I was and am a caretaker! He said spouses don't have to do the things you did( osteomys, bathing etc) it changes the relationship! But for me it didn't . I did all that out of love, for sickness and health!! I guess I just don't know if I can sit and hope it doesn't come back! I understand he is scared and I hate it for ALL of you!! Just wish I could help him!! Thanks for all your support

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

Some men go through a rough time accepting their wives as the person they've always been after watching childbirth. This could be a simliar reaction. Please get counseling for yourself, and maybe they can assist you with finding a way to get him to agree to attend too.

TheDirtyColon's picture
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2012

I tell my wife everyday that she saved my life. Being in Korea, and her being Korean, she got me into the best hospitals, and the best care there is. I am so grateful for her. But I can understand, to a point, what your husband is doing. My Uncle did the same thing. All you can do is pray for him...

God bless you... I hope he has a change of heart before he loses everything that is valuable in his life... Including his life...


joemetz's picture
Posts: 493
Joined: Nov 2011


I read your post earlier today, and woke up about a half hour ago and was laying there thinking about the day and things going on in life. I thought more about you, your situation and the ideas that others have shared with you within this post.

I can agree with everyone's ideas and advice... but its hard to truly know all the details within your brief posting and questions.

So, I'll add my comments and hopefully another angle to think about.

I agree that your husband might be extremely scared to die. All of us are. Many of us say that we are Christians or Believers and we all want to get to Heaven. But, no one wants to get there anytime soon. So, he's been through a battle... and he just might be hiding his fear, sorrow and anger within his drinking and partying.

I also tend to think that he's just mad at the world, and doesn't like his life right now.
And, since you say he isn't interested in counseling... that does NOT mean that you should avoid counseling. I think it would be helpful for you to talk things through with a professional or a religious authority that you trust. And, its cool to seek out a few resources for help.

so... my idea might be a bit risking, but it's not like the immediate divorce idea.
Have you considered moving out for a couple months?

not just move out for a week or two... but prepare yourself for a move.
get your mind ready. get your path and location to move to for a short term. (2 or 3 months) and prepare your stuff to move.

maybe talk to someone close to you or a professional counselor about this idea or plan and get some feedback. Maybe even select and speak with a divorce attorney (but don't hire them)

Have your ducks in a row and your plan in place.

then, sit down with him and explain that you feel "he needs a break from you".
put it in his court. Explain that you do NOT wish to be divorced. You wish to stay together and that you did go from being his wife and lover to his caregiver... and you did it out of love. But, today the thanks you are getting is the honor of watching him destroy himself.

Explain how much you care for him and that you don't want a divorce, but maybe you and he should separate for awhile and see if he misses you or if you miss him.

tell him that you don't plan to look for anyone else, as you entered this marriage in sickness and health, good or bad, till death do you part. But, that you cannot stand watching him kill himself so slowly and that you will not stand for this and you cannot sit by on the sidelines and watch him do this to himself. (make it about him)

obviously, you don't want to have your marriage end either... but you feel that this "test" will help us determine if we are to stay together or not.

down the line, maybe a divorce is going to happen... maybe not. But for now, to "test the waters" and to see if this marriage is 'savable' that maybe a break from one another would be best.

Now, what's really hard is the friends and family and the "gossip".
Not sure if that crap bothers you or him a bunch, but its very hard to avoid.

in your planning... share with him (maybe in writing) what you plan to say to people when they ask "why did you move out".

and your talking points should be honest, brief and to the point... and NON-offensive to him or you. But that you're trying to work through some things and a break from each other to help us repair our lives is in our plans. Share with everyone you talk to that you want to stay together and that you wish he'd take better care of himself. (odds are 100% of these people have already noticed his lifestyle and actions, and most of them are wondering when you're going to stand up for yourself)

anyway... this is just an idea that will either get him to stand up to his problems and change... or he will just get worse and want the divorce. At that time, (after you've had your time apart) you should have a better answer to your lingering question.

and, depending on how you wish to proceed... if he thinks he wants the divorce, let him file the claim and tell him that you're going to interview lawyers.
by the time you get to this stage (which i hope you don't), you'll know if the first lawyer you spoke with is the "right" person for the job. Because once you know the future plans... it might be such that you need a softer or more aggressive lawyer. and, only you will know which way to go.

I am not a fan of divorce, but i'm also not a fan of living unhappily.

pray on this and open up your mind and your heart.

You've taken care of him... now its time to "take care of you!"

i wish you the best in this journey.
hopefully he sees the light and once you have your plan... that he understands and doesn't want you to move out.

you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

my best


pete43lost_at_sea's picture
Posts: 3915
Joined: Nov 2010

Sharing your thoughts is so healthy,
Now having had these cancer marriage issues, and face it all marriages get tested and even more so with crc.

Well just love and look after yourself .

It's hobbies life, if he wants to waste it, destroy it, it's his privilege regrettably. However his doing so may cause you and those who lovehim immense pain.

Separation either physical or at least emotionally I think should be your top priority.

You can lead a horse to water but ... You know the rest.

Smile, even if you have to fake it. You are stronger than you know.

herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3649
Joined: Apr 2010

The hurt, sorrow and despair of watching your love becoming a stumbling insensitive out of touch drunk is indeed one of the most difficult and most maddening thing to watch, trying to stop it is like standing on railroad tracks holding your hand out in a stop position as it bears down on you, all you can do is cry out to the gods in agony, pleading for it to stop in time. In my house I am the one with cancer, my husband is the one that has been on a binge now for over two years since my diagnosis. I watch him every day deteriorate. He can no longer walk in that every so powerful steady "in control" walk he used to have as he strode sure and steady with the world at his fingertips each day, with me often having to run to keep up, instead now he walks as if he's 90 years old, with a wide stance, shuffling to try and steady himself, he often falls, he now has a limp from injuring his knee a few weeks ago from one of his falls, his nose bleeds daily, when we go to the store I have to let him hold onto the cart because he cannot steady himself, looking at him and seeing a large wet spot from him having peed on himself and he doesn't even realize he did so, cleaning up the puddles of pee that he leaves trailing behind the times he realizes he has to pee and attempts to make it to the bathroom, the changing of the bed when I find him on my side because he has peed the bed yet again on his side and he has simply moved over to get away from the wetness. Every day I feel despair, every day I fear as I come home that I will find him hurt again or dead from falling down due to his drunkenness, I come home at 12:20 in the AFTERNOON and he is already in this condition nearly daily (sometimes, once in a while it might not be until 3 in the afternoon, those are the good days). I miss our wonderful days, the talks we had, now our talks are him rambling on and on and on and on, repeating the same thing over and over again. I miss holding his hand and murmuring love words to him, laughing with him, being proud to say I am his wife. I am now just his protector, trying my best to protect him from himself. He picked someone to blame his drinking on, and that was my son, who moved out because he couldn't take this man's cussing and anger at him anymore, the same son who used to pick him up and carry him to bed after we would find him outside laying on the patio or lawn, or on the bathroom floor or on the kitchen floor from falling due to his drunkenness. Now it is just me trying to pick him up as he falls on the floor, which can often take up to an hour to do, he is over 6 feet tall and I am 5 ft 5 inches. I have to let him hold on to both shoulders and walk him as he leans on me, tipping us sideways to get him to the bathroom and then the same to get him back on the bed. I often end up without covers because he falls on the bed fully clothed and I cannot budge him to get the covers back. Even his primary doctor (who is also mine)tells me I need to get away from the stress of his drinking. I cannot, he is 59 and I cannot bear the thought of him lying in a pool of his own blood without someone there to try and save him, and that someone is me. So I stay, he was a good steady, loving and intelligent man, an electrical engineer who's way of dealing with my cancer was to lose himself in a bottle. He got sober for three months recently (about 4 months ago)and it was wonderful and I thought I had him back again, but a beer became two beers, then a six pack, then a case, and back to the vodka, and I lost him once again.
It's lonely living with an alcoholic, since he is asleep in bed by 6:00 pm or earlier each night, it is as if I live by myself in this large house, but I cannot go out in the evenings because that is usually when he awakens and decides to get up long enough to get another drink and that is the most dangerous time for him, the time he often falls the most, so I am tied to the house to help him.
I write these things, because you ask if anyone has gone through this, (I think at this point you will see that mine is possibly worse than your situation I hope), that yes, you are not alone.
As my doctor recommended to me, I will do the same to you, go to AL-ANON and go as soon as you can (I have not gone, but then my tears have dried up and I am resigned to my lot in life with my husband) they can help give you strength to do what ever it is that you feel you must do in order to save yourself and your children. I no longer give my husband excuses in my mind, he chose the liquor over living, I did not choose this for him, your husband may use cancer as an excuse, but it's just that, a lie of an excuse, there is no excuse for turning your back on your loved ones and life in favor of a bottle.
Ahh, dear, it isn't easy, what you are going through, my tears at the moment are for you and how you are suffering, realizing you can't talk sense into him, you can't make him realize what he is doing to himself, to you, to his family. I can say I realize exactly what you are going through at this moment, I have been there, mine is now much worse. I take my joys when I can, the moments before he's too drunk to be "with me", finding things to be happy about, my children, my grandchildren, my college, my friends, otherwise I believe I'd start drinking my self from living in too dark a world with the shell of man that I share my world with now.
How I truly wish I could tell you "I did such and such and now he's sober and our world is right again", but I have not found the answer, I have not solved the puzzle as to why such a wonderful man became a professional embarrassing harmful drunk, I have no cure to share with you, and that is the saddest part of it all, isn't it? We cannot fix them, they have to do it themselves and sometimes they aren't willing, the bottle has won in my case. I pray for you it doesn't in yours.
I'm sorry I have no advice, but please do not think you are alone in this world, we are here for you, even if we have no good answers, we care.
Winter Marie

Lorikat's picture
Posts: 620
Joined: Jul 2011

I will not share my experience with trying to help an alcoholic because you both already know the story. I will say thatnI HATE alcohol.... It takes over people.... You no longer even know who you are dealing with. It eats your soul as a bystander, destroys family.... AND YOU CANNOT HELP THEM! Children should not have to be raised in this environment. Spouses should not have to live in this environment. I was the child of a 'functioning' alcoholic.... 'Nuff said.. God bless you both... Lorie

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2529
Joined: Oct 2011

and to all on this board who have suffered having a loved one who is struggling with alcoholism. I watched my MIL literally drink herself to death by the age of 49, and my own dad destroyed much of what was good in his life with his heavy drinking. My heart goes out to all of you. My one observation from my experience is that I think many people who drink to the point of their own destruction do so because of underlying mental health issues. We believe my MIL had undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and my father suffered from PTSD after serving in the Pacific during WWII. I do think that proper mental health care, including the right medications, can help people in these circumstances, but I don't know how you get them that help, if they're not willing to seek it on their own. It's just a terrible situation for everyone involved, including the alcoholic, who has to be really hurting to tear apart his/her life in this way. Ann

Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3178
Joined: Jan 2010

As others have said his current behavior may be a result of fear about a recurrance, BUT that does not mean it is appropriate. You mention that both the alcohol and tobacco usage were habits before his diagnosis, so it may well be that his behavior has nothing to do with cancer.

If he is unwilling to seek help for himself there is nothing you can do. "Nagging" even done out of love will not make him see the light.

I too was married to someone who abused alcohol. I was one who felt you married forever and took the bad with the good. I even suffered physical abuse. It wasn't until he became a danger to my children that I called it quits. I almost waited too late.

I know you want to help him, want back the man you thought you married, want back the man you love. Unfortunately, only he can make the decision that he is out of control and needs to stop his self destruction.

Alcoholism is a dreadful disease. It brings terrible consequences to not only the one drinking but to loved ones and all of society.

I suggest you remove, if you can, his diagnosis and fight against cancer from the equation when considering your next step. You supported him through that and now have a different evil to consider.

Please come back often to let us know how you are doing. Having been in the fight for a loved one with cancer makes you one of the family...regardless of what the current issue is.

Praying that you find the right decision and peace of mind and heart when you make it.

Marie who loves kitties

Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4410
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Mel

Alot of good posts here...I saw this after you posted it yesterday, but did not have the time to put any good thoughts together so quickly, so I wanted to revisit.

A couple of interesting things to note here...

Two things are really going here....one, he really doesn't care...or two, he is scared and doesn't want to face the possibilities of recurrence....sometimes, one can find it much easier if we leave the door closed - rather than walk through it.

Now, there are times when cancer might coerce a particular patient to "act out." We might throw caution to the wind, because we convince ourselves that none of it matters anymore. We can't fathom having to go through that entire ritual again - some of us just don't want to revisit that once we get through the initial battle. And some of us are not as mentally strong as another person can be.

However, his habits stem from a lifesytle that were prevalent prior to cancer, so this is quite a bit different than say someone who never showed a huge propensity to drink in their life - but after a diagnosis or recovery period, they find themselves self-medicating through a bottle.

It might start out as fun....catch a little buzz here and it feels good...but as with any habit, over time it becomes less fun - and in the end, it becomes a burden - and an overwhelming one...so drinking until you crash into walls starts slowly but ends up in the same spot.

In this scenario, the episode could conincide with anxiety or uncertainty and could pass over time - it could be just "a phase" so to speak. In this case, I think it is a lashing out against cancer - and more importantly, it's anger directed at the loss of control in one's life and through some strange rationalization, the thoughts become that there is some control - control that can come from going numb and not having to deal with it for the night.

The problem always occurs when tonight leads to tomorrow night - which can lead to....

But, in your husband's case, it's hard to answer for him what he is feeling. Of course, you can't force him to fight for himself...I've found that caregiving is only as good as the person that wants to be cared for.

Where you have the choice - is to sit and watch - or not.

Chewing is a filthy habit - I never quite understood the allure there - seems like a mouth full of that stuff and the taste left on your breath, would not exactly be the recipe for a smooch. I've seen photos of folks who had their jaws removed and reconstructive surgery.

To say they do not look human - is an understatement. It's not pretty. Whatever buzz he gets from that will not be worth the exchange.

As for drinking, he has been at it awhile, so this may be a cyle that he may not be able to break, at least not on his own. Perhaps, even if he even wanted it himself. But, only he will know that.

But, he's making a bigger mistake on other fronts besides just these snafus. Taking himself out of the healthcare treadmill, is a recipe for diaster - and I know you know this.

Recurrence is a high probability for all of us. Very few of us fight it one time and then hang up our cleats and call it a day. While he is delaying, he could be setting the stage for a much harder fight (should he choose to do so) and he might be jeporadizing his future the longer he waits (should he choose to do so.)

Time is of the essence.

As for him telling you that you "are not his mom." That's fighting like a child and that's exactly how it comes across.

No, you're not his mom - but you are partners, and as such have a vested in each other to help each other get to the next day - so that one of you will be always be able to help the other. It's a long hard fight without a caregiver.

Without you - he will almost certainly go down. He needs to sober up and recognize that fact. There's nothing scarier than being sick - and having nobody to help you....friends and family are nice...but for times like these, you need the spouse, plain and simple.

I think what it really all boils down to is this..."giving one's self an excuse to fail - is alot easier than owning up to the work it takes to battle cancer."

Another words, by taking the easy way out with his lifestyle, if cancer were to come back and eventually claim him - he could let himself off the hook from his behavior and use that as the basis for his shortcomings.

As for you, sure you're angry - you're angry at watching him squander his opportunity at getting ahead of a deadly killer - and you're angry at basically giving everything back that you both worked for during the first fight.

And you're really angry - because he's not trying. And I think to a large degree, you've lost a great deal of respect for him.

And that's important - because women want to respect the men they are married too (vice versa too). No woman wants to see her man be weak or turn weak.

(Winter's post confirmed alot of what I wanted to write, she knows first hand.)

Women gain strength and comfort through the eyes that they see their man through. When the respect goes, that part of the relationship dies - and it's sometimes hard to rekindle that.

Since I've gotten stronger this past year and had to step up and battle other evil forces besides cancer, I see my woman again viewing me through new eyes - suddenly looking back to me for comfort, strength, calmness, and an assurance of a plan - and the willingness to work towards it.

You're in a tough spot right now. It's possible that you might need to save yourself and your children and make a very tough choice. The decision rests solely on him to try and make a change and salvage an important relationship - or just let it die.

You can only do what you can do - you can't make an adult do anything they really don't want to do. If he wants a divorce, that may be something to consider.

Perhaps, try and set up a time to talk rationally as adults and as partners in life to discuss your concerns - and see if he wants to approach this in an adult manner and be open to what you have to say.....no drinking or chewing during discussion.

Based on that discussion (or lack of) could help you determine the best course of action for your life and what is needed for you.

And remember, NO ONE PERSON can be the "End All - Be All" for any other person, even partners. None of us can satisfy or fulfill the needs and wants of any one person. It takes a village.

Thank you for sharing such a personal, heartwrenching story. I'm so sorry things have come to this and hope that there is a chance for recovery, before it's too late.


Doc_Hawk's picture
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012


I've read your post over several times now, usually with tears in my eyes. I keep trying to come up with something to say that may help you but I keep running into a brick wall. I'm not even going to try to blame chemo-brain for this because the truth is that simply don't know enough. I'm an ordained minister of 8 years and have done marriage counseling before, but it was always both partners giving their side of the story and then working to find the happy middle ground. If your husband is unwilling to go to counseling, there's very little to do about it. My marriage ended because my ex-wife wouldn't acknowledge there was a problem and refused to even consider counseling.

I haven't mentioned on this board about my own vices until now. I'm a drinker, although much less than I was a year ago. I used to go through a 30 pack of 5.9% alcohol beer in about two days, now one of 3.2% beer will last about five days. I also smoke cigars, and I do inhale them. I tell people that I really enjoy them (which I do) and just don't want to give them up. After all, "what're they gonna do? Give me cancer?" But that's just rationalization. I know that the reason why I continue to drink and smoke is because of my own depression. Writing this just then is the first that I've admitted this to anyone. So, my thought is that perhaps reverting back to old habits may be your husbands way of dealing with his own depression. These are areas of comfort, maybe even considered "old friends" by him. I'm just blue skying here, I don't know enough to create an informed idea so just going by my own feelings.

I hope and pray that the two of you can find the peace and happiness that you both need in your lives.


MelanieT's picture
Posts: 188
Joined: Nov 2009

I can't even express how thankful I am to all of you for your words! I read most of them twice because I was crying so hard I knew I was missing things. There is so much truth in every post made and I definetley took something from each! I saw a counselor for ME last week and realized no matter what his reason is for self destructing, be cancer, depression, old habits etc I am not his savior!! I love this man but I love myself and our 4 daughters and 2 grand kids more! We didn't ask for cancer anymore than he did but we always kept up the fight and always will..for him it's a done deal. I have decided after his latest drunk episode( sticking a hotdog roaster in our fire pit then sticking thru his arm to so called brand himself) that I am moving to my parents for now. I am going to give him our counseling schedule and tell him I would love him to come but I won't nag him. He needs to do it for him. I did ask what his plan is medical wise and his answer was I am done going unless something hurts... I have to just be ok with this( even though I AM NOT) I need to stay strong and healthy for my girls! Don't get me wrong I am not giving up but it's like my counselor said, it's sink or swim time right now you are enabling him and completly miserable in the process. The hardest part is how much I hurt for him. He has been through SO much in the last 2 years and it sucks not being able to just fix it! You all are such strong amazing people and I won't even pretend to understand how all the tests,surgeries,dr appts and treatment feel or the emotional for that matter but I will say, we on the outside care soooo much! We lose sleep, we research, we argue with doctors if something doesn't feel right, we pray and above all we LOVE you guys!!! I really don't know where Chris head is at but I am hoping to somehow come together and figure it out, even if it is apart for now! Thanks for all your love and support! This really is a family

Loves, Mel

Sonia32's picture
Posts: 1075
Joined: Mar 2009

You are doing the right thing. Hopefully time apart will convince him to go to counsolling with you. You are so sweet for mentioning it, and he's refusing it. Personally I think if he wasn't like this before the cancer, he is running scared. He might not admit it, but he is. So his point is to live life as though it will be ending tomorrow. We all cope in our different ways Mel, maybe this is his way. I suppose it's like an addict if he doesn't admit he needs help you can't go anywhere with it until he does. Priority at the moment is you. Give yourself time and space. I really hope this wakes him up and he appreciates how damn lucky he is to have you.

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

I sure hope he shows up for the counseling. I'm glad you are doing what you need to do to stay strong and be there for ALL of your family.

dmj101's picture
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

Melanie, I don't know that I have much to offer.. but he is feeling invincible at thia time I correlate to how people feel after gastric bypass surgery.. as I had been there. they feel like they have a new live ahead of them and want to experience everthing they never did or had before and unfortunately that usually includes dropping live partners. That happened to me when I did the gastric bypass and I assume same occurrs with cancer.. I haven't been NED yet
but am hopefull
I wish you the best and you must do what is best for you and the kids now.. and it probaby isn't healthy for you or them to see your husband this way..
I don't know for sure but I assume he will find his way back eventually but reallity will have to hit him first.
Do what is best for you at this time.. don't let this ruin you.. I kmow that is hard.. but you must protect you..
Come back here more often to let us know what you are upto..
Prayers and hugs for you and your husband

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