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letting apartment go

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

I couldn't do it. I wimped out and asked my husband to talk to David about giving his apartment up. I suggested that he approach it like man to man, in a practical way. Saying that it didn't make good financial sense to keep paying rent when we were getting no use out of the apartment. My husband said to David that down the road, he would need to get an apartment in Salem near us, and then think about going back to Portland later on. I know that none of this fooled David. Larry said that David said, "Okay," and was unemotional about it. I don't know if David doesn't care, if he's just numb, or if the tumors have gotten deeper and have impacted more of the area of his brain that controls his emotions. (The doctors told us that his emotions would be impacted.)

We had to give the apartment up. We can't afford all the extras that David's care requires and pay rent on an apartment that we are not using at all. We had a change in our insurance coverage and we will be paying more for insurance and we have bigger deductibles now too. Plus other costs....I'm sure you all know how that goes.

I am so messed up. I can't believe how hard this hit me. I cried so hard and so long last night. I sat out by my little pond in the dark with my dogs and cried until I couldn't breathe. I tried to talk to my husband but he couldn't understand me because I was crying so hard. I called my other son Dallas and my daughter Christy and made them cry too. I went to bed and stuffed my face in my pillow so David wouldn't know, and I cried and slept a little and cried and slept a little. When I got up this morning, my eyes were so bad--all swollen and bloodshot. I wore sunglasses all day, even in the house. I'm still trying to get over having pneumonia and I felt so sick and weak today. I had promised my granddaughters that I would take them shopping for a birthday gift for their mom, and I walked around the stores like a zombie--miserable and just wanting to go home and be alone to cry some more.

I remember when David and I came home to his apartment from his second craniotomy in Sept. As soon as we walked into his apartment, he felt better. He got out a new jacket that his best friend's girlfriend had bought for him, and he tried it on for me and he was so pleased. He said that he was going to wear it on the first day of college. My poor David....he wanted to go to college so bad and he never got well enough to go back.....

He loved his little neighborhood. Even though Portland is a relatively large city (for Oregon), his area had a real community feel about it. Everyone knew each other....people walked everywhere and were friendly. David walked to the bank, the pharmacy, the grocery store, his Starbucks every morning for coffee and breakfast.....he had his favorite restaurants and a lot of friends in the neighborhood. He loved it so much and he will never get to go back.

He never once got to walk his little puppy in that neighborhood. His downhill slide started the week we picked his puppy up from the breeder. I fought so hard for him to get that dog and I loved dreaming of David walking to Starbucks with his puppy in the mornings, talking with his neighbors and the Starbucks regulars. We had joked about what a cute puppy Jackson was and how he would be such a perfect chick magnet.

I know that my issue isn't really the apartment. It's the whole thing with David, and all the things that David will never regain, will never go back to, will never have. My grief right now is like a total black cloud taking over my life. I can't describe how I feel. My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed. I will never be the same again.

Love and blessings,
Cindy

4theloveofmysis's picture
4theloveofmysis
Posts: 248
Joined: Apr 2011

I am so sorry to hear this... love and hugs your way. You are in my prayers.
Brenda

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

My heart breaks with each posting. Sorry does not seem adequate for all you are going through. There is so little to hold on to...to get you through this. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that David is surrounded and being cared for by people who love him. That is truly a gift.
Always in my thoughts.
Becky

I_Promise's picture
I_Promise
Posts: 210
Joined: Aug 2011

Dear Cindy,

I cried while reading your post. I feel like brain cancer robs our innocence and our ability to ever feel completely happy again. It is not right that children should suffer so much so young while parents take care of them. With your descriptions, I can see David's neighborhood; I can feel his previous happiness and hope that one day he will beat this monstrous cancer and go back to college. I see his dreams.

My sister is sitting at the dinning room table with a friend working hard at finishing the data analysis for her diploma. I cannot tell her about your son's condition as I need to protect her from crushing her hopes. But I want you to know that my husband and I are thinking about you and sending you love every day.

Does grief ever gets less painful? I don't know

With love,

Julia

Foster Spazz
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2012

Take that child into your fold and hold him and love him. Imprint this time onto your sole.

I wish I had the opportunity to do that with the loss of my husband, and now I am facing a brain mass. I am thankful that it is me and not one of my beloved children, how difficult it must be. My heart aches for you.

dasspears
Posts: 233
Joined: Feb 2009

My husband received a phone call from his brother-in-law today - my husband's sister wanted her husband to place the call. Once on the line, she made no sense ro Ron but I know she wanted to say goodbye because she also wanted the same call to be made to her daughter. She has deteriorated rapidly and is now critical. This is the cruelest cancer -I am at once sad and angry. She is 56 - was diagnosed in Nov 2011 and 5 weeks ago could walk with a walker. It's beyond sad and beyond my comprehension. This affects everyone in the family.

connsteele
Posts: 232
Joined: May 2011

Oh dear Cindy, I know how you feel..we have walked that path. And it hurts so much, way deep down in your soul. Right after our son was diagnosed over a year ago, we stayed in his apartment for over three monthss while he had his surgery, radiation, and first round of Temodar. Everytime we went out, I grieved...and cried.. so much for all that he couldn't do then..simple things, like ride the shuttle to the metro stop to go to work, go to the grocery, play on his pool team, ride his bike, and drive, etc. And then when we had to pack him up and move him back to Ohio, it was like a knife in my heart, giving another stab everytime I saw him sitting in the recliner, with nothing to do.
But for all the losses, sometimes I think they were harder on me, than him. He did eventually seem at peace with things here at home, and when that happened, it helped us too. Gave us time to just be with one another. In October, when he was still able to get around with a cane, we took the motor home to a campground in southern Ohio. It was during the week, and we were the only ones there. It was so peaceful..we played cards (his favorite game was Casino) and just sat round the campfire. He also got to fish some. That was such a wonderful gift and the pictures from that weekend are in a memory album i'm putting together.
I wonder if your David's "nonreaction" to the news of his apartment stems from the fact that deep down, he knew that it wasn't practical to keep it, but he couldn't say it himself. That maybe it was a relief to him that he didn't have to broach the subject with you all, because it might be viewed that he is giving up. And he knows how painful that would be for you.
Now that my husband and I are grieving the loss of our son, I look back and see that the anticipatory grief was just as hard and painful.
I pray that you all will have peace, knowing that the love you all share will get you through, one way or another.
Hugs,
Connie
m/o David
dx 1985 medulloblastoma, age 8
remission 26 years
dx AA3 April 2011
Passed away April 14, 2012, age 35

chicken2799's picture
chicken2799
Posts: 105
Joined: Nov 2009

I am so very sorry to hear this! I believe Connie is right, and David may feel relieved that he did not have to bring up the subject. Know that you have so many people on here that care about you, and are amazed by the woman that you are. You are such an encouragement to so many people, and David is very lucky to have a Mother like you! I will pray for you and your family to find the strength to make it through these hard times!!

Always in my thoughts and prayers,

Michelle
Mobile,AL
DX AA3 10/20/09

labales
Posts: 9
Joined: Sep 2011

I imagine he both knows he is never going back to the apartment AND his emotions are blunted. One of my husband's first symptoms was "not caring". He destroyed my new 12" telescope and did not care 1 month before we got him checked out. At the end, he was confused and childlike, but sometimes late at night when he was having a bad headache, he would come back for a while.

I'm sorry this is happening. This cancer is so ugly and it hurts so bad to go through it with them. The grieving begins with the diagnosis and never lets up.

The hardest thing now is the "small" regrets. I no longer worry whether I took him to the right med center. I hurt because 3 days before he died he took our cats and dogs on their nightly walk around the pond, and I did not join him(I was on the computer researching GBM). I regret not going to bed with him at 9:30 or 10:00PM the last week, because the only time I felt comfortable reading up on GBM was when he was not around. He would lay on the couch and wait for me to join him as he could not bear me out of his sight. I regret being so busy taking care of him, that maybe I simply did not "love" him enough. We pretended to the end it would be OK and we never discussed his death, because it was way too painful, and I've never decided if I regret that or not. I hope you are able to let go of your need to care for him and make him better long enough to enjoy those "small", precious moments of sharing. Let go of the grief, if you can, while he is here and enjoy him.

BenLenBo's picture
BenLenBo
Posts: 141
Joined: Feb 2012

Hello Cindy and David,
My heart goes out to you and David as you move into another stage. I feel like the others that
David was relieved about letting go his apartment. You mention that your husband stepped in to
handle the discussion with your son, that was great - good to tag team your strengths. Cindy, you
are an excellent caregiver, and if others are willing to step in and help. Welcome them with open
arms, so you can enjoy David. I have learned so much by reading what you have been going through, that I approach Benjamin in a whole different light. Tough questions are being asked, and decisions are being made for the future, and may we never need to put them in play. Your strength, compassion and ability to take care of all David's needs is commendable. Have you attended any support group meetings in your area? I wish, that you were closer, we could start a group, have our son's in one room and Mom's in another- venting!
I have noticed that since Benjamin was removed off his Keppra, his personality is returning. He stated it made him feel foggy, not really caring what was happening around him. Now he feels full of life, energy and has his caring attitude back. Benjamin stated that he really didn't know what was
happening, until he was coming down off the Keppra. It was hard for us to hear, that he never had
any seizures, that he was on this drug as a precaution, due to brain tumor surgery. He is now restoring a 1975 Chevy 4x4, good to see him working with his hands, and tearing into the engine- like old times. His very mechanical, works on all kinds of farm machinery and vehicles. Just wish
physical and occupational therapy could see him in action. There was a time at the very beginning that doctor's debated whether or not he would beable to function- SURPRISE!!!! Passed every test
thrown at him with flying colors :o).
5 weeks until I am a GRANDMA- can't wait, we are so excited for Lily's arrival. Like you we
have joy of new life, you have a wedding to plan. It's like little rays of sunshine, to remind us
there is more out there for us. How is the wedding plannig going? Any cold feet? I am presently
working on a Almond White Cake with Raspberry Rhubarb filling, with white bettercreme frosting for 150). Making multi colored flowers and lacy butterflies. I'd have more flowers, but everyone keeps eating them once they are hard ( I use vanilla candy melt). My gift to the couple.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that you, David and your family are still in our prayers and prayer chain for strength to conquer each day!

Take Care and God Bless!

(((HUGS)))

Carol

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