May 26, 2012 - 11:48 pm
I've posted once about my mother. She was diagnosed about 5 months ago, and she will probably not make it much longer. It's really unbelievable how quickly things have progressed with her cancer. Unfortunately her cells are very chemo-resistant and she did not handle the chemo well. Well, she didn't handle the doxorubicin well at all. Honestly, it is what has caused her rapid decline.
She is in the hospital now due to a number of complications. We are now at the point where the only option is pallitave care. My sister and I are her only family around and are responsible for her care at this point. My mother has not really accepted her diagnosis. I think we were all very hopeful that she would be cured, mostly because my Mom has always been very afraid of life. She was always fearful that she would develop an illness. She was very unhappy with her life prior to diagnosis. Very regretful of her life.
So, now basically her biggest fear has actually happened and it's very hard for her to cope. She is extremely afraid of being alone, and I belive she suffered for many years from depression. Not creating a life for herself for so many years has created a situation that consists of her thinking day and night, while her body deteriorates, how many regrets she has about her life.
I could forsee this happening years ago, and I am now in a very tough position. I live out of state and am unemployed. So, I'm broke and have a toddler to take care of. I have come to the state where she is to be with her. But, it is extremely hard emotionally (because of how she sees life), financially, and in terms of me trying to maintain a life in my city.
Because of her fear of being alone, she expects only immediate family to be with her in the hospital night and day. I try to stay most of the day, every day, but that means that I have my small child with me...which is very hard to do. Mom cries when I leave, and tells me, could I please spend some time with her when I have a chance. I'm mad sometimes that she doesn't understand that I have to be there for my own child. I feel guilty for feeling that way, considering her condition.
She will be coming home (to my sister's house) in a couple of days. I'm happy for her to get out of the environment of the hospital and all, but now it creates even more stress especially for me. She really needs to be in a hospice facility. But, I know she would never allow us to put her in one. She is not trying to do anything for herself, although she is capable of doing many things. So, now I will be the main caregiver, pretty much 24 hours a day. I will definitely burn out. We will have hospice coming in for 3 or 4 hours a day, but I know that's not enough. She has a nephrostomy tube and a tube coming out of her stomach (to drain ascites fluid). She vomits everything that she eats, and no longer even says that she needs to have a bowel movement. So, it's going to be a lot of work. My sister is a doctor, which helps tremendously (with the medications and all), but it means she's very busy with work.
I just wanted to vent. I hope this post doesn't offend any members here. I hear so many wonderful stories of survival, and I am so happy and hopeful to all whom are affected by this condition.