My mental state is deteriorating and I can't make the crazy stop
Comments
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The crazy is normal
This is a great place to join a group of people who can understand the crazy feelings you coping with. That initial phase is entirely overwhelming and it is normal to feel completely out of control and overwhelmed- I remember it far too well. It does pass as a phase but is incredibly hard to manage at the time and you need to give yourself some space to cope with it- this may mean a bit of time off work as you probably won't be functioning well there any way.
Is it normal to come back so quickly? You will come to see from peopl's stories here that there is no such thing as 'normal' when it comes to this journey and living with the huge uncertainty this illness gieves to your life is part of the burden of having cancer. If the lymph nodes are cancerous it does mean there were some cells there when they removed the primary cancer but they were too small to see. The surgeons remove anything that looks like cancer but leave behind anything that looks normal. It doesn't mean they have made a mistake. In my case they must have left some cells behind that grew so slowly they didn't show up on a scan as recurrence for 7 years- hardly 'normal' either! You don't make it clear whether it is definitely confirmed that the lymph node are cancer.
Try to deal with things on a practical level for now- go to appointments, ask questions you need answered and give yourself some time to get your head around all this. Meds help some but antidepressants won't necessarily solve what is happening (and I'm a psychiatrist so know a little of that). Short term use of something to sleep and feel less anxious may be more appropriate than antidepressants unless you had problems with mood and anxiety before the cancer or the panic attacks go on for more than a month or two.
Use this site - there is a huge amount of knowledge and advise here as well as general support. But most of all give yourself some time and space to adjust to this massive change in your life.
steve0 -
Thanks Steve. I won't getsteved said:The crazy is normal
This is a great place to join a group of people who can understand the crazy feelings you coping with. That initial phase is entirely overwhelming and it is normal to feel completely out of control and overwhelmed- I remember it far too well. It does pass as a phase but is incredibly hard to manage at the time and you need to give yourself some space to cope with it- this may mean a bit of time off work as you probably won't be functioning well there any way.
Is it normal to come back so quickly? You will come to see from peopl's stories here that there is no such thing as 'normal' when it comes to this journey and living with the huge uncertainty this illness gieves to your life is part of the burden of having cancer. If the lymph nodes are cancerous it does mean there were some cells there when they removed the primary cancer but they were too small to see. The surgeons remove anything that looks like cancer but leave behind anything that looks normal. It doesn't mean they have made a mistake. In my case they must have left some cells behind that grew so slowly they didn't show up on a scan as recurrence for 7 years- hardly 'normal' either! You don't make it clear whether it is definitely confirmed that the lymph node are cancer.
Try to deal with things on a practical level for now- go to appointments, ask questions you need answered and give yourself some time to get your head around all this. Meds help some but antidepressants won't necessarily solve what is happening (and I'm a psychiatrist so know a little of that). Short term use of something to sleep and feel less anxious may be more appropriate than antidepressants unless you had problems with mood and anxiety before the cancer or the panic attacks go on for more than a month or two.
Use this site - there is a huge amount of knowledge and advise here as well as general support. But most of all give yourself some time and space to adjust to this massive change in your life.
steve
Thanks Steve. I won't get the results for lymphs back until Monday so I am in suck a frenzy. I'm trying to use one minute at a time but I have been up since 1:30, just got my kids up for school, now I'm expected to work. Three days of this already. I only have 10 more vacation days for the year and my job has told me that I have 103 disability days left and then I lose my position which is allowable by law. I have the surgery coming up and then if I have to have a colostomy which will be discussed next week, the reversal. I actually woke up hysterically thinking just kill yourself which scared the life out of me. Thankfully I snapped out of it and after about an hour got that thought under control. I'm going to go to the doc tonight and talk about anxiety meds. I have had bouts with anxiety but can't generally take medications because for some reason I always get the rare side effects. Originally I got Ambien and I was walking and talking in my sleep to the point where my family recorded me to show me what I was doing. I was yelling at the dog, laughing hysterically and having full blown conversations. I asked the doc to find something mild that perhaps would help and lexapro is what she came up with. This whole thing is so insane. I'm glad there's a point where it stops because right now, I just want my brain to stop racing. I've tried everything I can think of. I actually feel insane.0 -
HelenHelen321 said:Thanks Steve. I won't get
Thanks Steve. I won't get the results for lymphs back until Monday so I am in suck a frenzy. I'm trying to use one minute at a time but I have been up since 1:30, just got my kids up for school, now I'm expected to work. Three days of this already. I only have 10 more vacation days for the year and my job has told me that I have 103 disability days left and then I lose my position which is allowable by law. I have the surgery coming up and then if I have to have a colostomy which will be discussed next week, the reversal. I actually woke up hysterically thinking just kill yourself which scared the life out of me. Thankfully I snapped out of it and after about an hour got that thought under control. I'm going to go to the doc tonight and talk about anxiety meds. I have had bouts with anxiety but can't generally take medications because for some reason I always get the rare side effects. Originally I got Ambien and I was walking and talking in my sleep to the point where my family recorded me to show me what I was doing. I was yelling at the dog, laughing hysterically and having full blown conversations. I asked the doc to find something mild that perhaps would help and lexapro is what she came up with. This whole thing is so insane. I'm glad there's a point where it stops because right now, I just want my brain to stop racing. I've tried everything I can think of. I actually feel insane.
oh Helen you poor girl...you are in a tizzy for sure.I am so so sorry you ar having such a hard time. Helen I have thought the let's just get it over with thought and others probably have too....you are not alone. It sounds to me as if you are having some genuine high anxiety.....glad you are seeing a doc....
okay on a purely practical level what can you do to stop the monkey brain thoughts. Are you too tired for a little walk. Can you lie down while the kids are at school and try to rest. Deep slow steady breathing. listen to some really calm music. Try a heating pad on your chest Helen to see if you can just slow down. How bout eating something soothing that you really like....an ice cream cone????
So easy for me to say don't panic but Helen I have been at this cancer game for 8 years...still here...still going. You are going to be well again Helen. Keep talking here if it helps..
best best love....we are here!!!!
maggie0 -
Hi Helen so sorry you're inmaglets said:Helen
oh Helen you poor girl...you are in a tizzy for sure.I am so so sorry you ar having such a hard time. Helen I have thought the let's just get it over with thought and others probably have too....you are not alone. It sounds to me as if you are having some genuine high anxiety.....glad you are seeing a doc....
okay on a purely practical level what can you do to stop the monkey brain thoughts. Are you too tired for a little walk. Can you lie down while the kids are at school and try to rest. Deep slow steady breathing. listen to some really calm music. Try a heating pad on your chest Helen to see if you can just slow down. How bout eating something soothing that you really like....an ice cream cone????
So easy for me to say don't panic but Helen I have been at this cancer game for 8 years...still here...still going. You are going to be well again Helen. Keep talking here if it helps..
best best love....we are here!!!!
maggie
Hi Helen so sorry you're in this spot, it's a horrible feeling, I know. The anxiety we go through is over the top!! Some people on here give the advice of putting one foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward one step at a time, and that's all you can do. I am confused by your post though, you say it came back fast. Did you have a spot that has been removed and it came back within a short period of time? Or during tests CT's they found there was suspicion of lymph node involvement? Are they doing a biopsy of your lymph nodes separately, or are they going to wait and remove these during surgery? I think whether or not you'll need a colostomy will depend on where your tumor is, I had a very large tumor and a hysterectomy as it had spread to my ovaries etc...but I did not wake up with a bag. I think it all depends on the surgeon and where the tumor is located. If you do end up with one there are several people on here that will give you good advise on managing it, and how to plan for it prior to having surgery.0 -
A recurrence or stage for is
A recurrence or stage for is not an instant death sentance. I have been stage 4 for over six years. There are few others on here who are still going strong after 8 years and a few 10+ year survivors on the colon club and colon cancer alliance.
Jeff0 -
Find your bliss
Hi there- While I haven't really felt what you're feeling I can understand why people get that way. It's the waiting, wondering, speculating, and just helplessness that comes with such a diagnosis as CANCER. The one thing that has helped me, as well as my family, is to mentally take charge. Cancer is pushing you and you have to push back. You can't take this lying down or it can beat you. Make a game plan and go with it. There are several things you can do to put you at an advantage. It's your choice. Some people rely on prayer and spiritualism some turn to nutrition and/or excercise, some go for alternative treatments. Anything that gives you the feeling of some control will help you sleep at night. Keep reading on here and you will see some content people even with a bleek prognosis. Personally I decided early on that I would get healthy and although I have cancer, I am in the best health of my adult life, I'm happy and I sleep like a baby.
Best of luck "finding your bliss". You have to focus on good things and do what makes you happy. Cancer has a mission, and you need one too.
Take care, CJ0 -
Dear Helen-
you are in what i found to be the very hardest part of the cancer journey, the first few weeks/months after diagnosis. To me it was like being trapped in a nightmare and not being able to wake up. A terrible feeling. But as hard as it may be to believe this, it will get better! Once you're over the initial shock, find out exactly what you're facing, and get a treatment plan in place, your emotions will start to settle down a bit. You will still be facing possibly the biggest challenge of your life, but you won't be in a constant state of fear. That said, you still need help (we all did) getting through this first stage. For me, the two things that helped most were Ativan (anti-anxiety med, also helps with sleep, no crazy side effects or next-day hangover) and talking to the social worker affiliated with my treatment center. I would highly recommend talking with your doctor about both of these options...as cancer warriors, we have to make sure we use every weapon we have available to get through this battle. And while there are many great things to try, such as yoga, meditation, acupuncture, etc., I think that starting with the medication first is a good idea when anxiety is sky-high. Keep us posted on how you're doing. Sending hugs and strength your way-Ann0 -
family medical leave actHelen321 said:Thanks Steve. I won't get
Thanks Steve. I won't get the results for lymphs back until Monday so I am in suck a frenzy. I'm trying to use one minute at a time but I have been up since 1:30, just got my kids up for school, now I'm expected to work. Three days of this already. I only have 10 more vacation days for the year and my job has told me that I have 103 disability days left and then I lose my position which is allowable by law. I have the surgery coming up and then if I have to have a colostomy which will be discussed next week, the reversal. I actually woke up hysterically thinking just kill yourself which scared the life out of me. Thankfully I snapped out of it and after about an hour got that thought under control. I'm going to go to the doc tonight and talk about anxiety meds. I have had bouts with anxiety but can't generally take medications because for some reason I always get the rare side effects. Originally I got Ambien and I was walking and talking in my sleep to the point where my family recorded me to show me what I was doing. I was yelling at the dog, laughing hysterically and having full blown conversations. I asked the doc to find something mild that perhaps would help and lexapro is what she came up with. This whole thing is so insane. I'm glad there's a point where it stops because right now, I just want my brain to stop racing. I've tried everything I can think of. I actually feel insane.
By law you have 12 weeks of leave available to you that "protects" your job. It isn't a paid leave, it just holds your job for 12 weeks per year. If you work for a small company it could be different. Check in to though. You sound like me, I am not a very good waiter on things especially when they relate to my life expectancy!
I am Stage IIIB, my first thoughts were crap that just a hiccup away from Stage IV. but as you read postings on the board, you realize, that doesn't mean I'm going to die. I had a clear scan in December and just had a second one in April and have to have another one in July because of some lymph node issues, so like you I'm trying not to think "it's back". Try to stay busy if you can and concentrate on things you love to do and that lets you forget even for a while that you have cancer. I don't do well with anti anxiety/depressants so I stay away from them as best I can. I wish I had more advise for you but unfortunately, we each have to find our way the best way we can BUT this board can give some great advise!
Wish you well.
Debbie0 -
Hugs
I went through the same emotions as you did, heck we all did. Boy I was up and down like a yo yo, and the panic attacks, when they started one night I thought I was dying. My family on here some of them guided me through a lot, and still do. I'm so glad you are here, you have found a home away from home. Just don't keep anything you're feeling bottled up ok? it's important, and keep talking to us. By the way I was 32 when I was hit with stage 3 cancer, 10/11 lymph nodes infected. I'm 3 years in remission (touch wood so far) but you never do know with disease, but you have to keep going for yourself, your family, you are stronger then this illness, more then you know.0 -
Thanks AllSonia32 said:Hugs
I went through the same emotions as you did, heck we all did. Boy I was up and down like a yo yo, and the panic attacks, when they started one night I thought I was dying. My family on here some of them guided me through a lot, and still do. I'm so glad you are here, you have found a home away from home. Just don't keep anything you're feeling bottled up ok? it's important, and keep talking to us. By the way I was 32 when I was hit with stage 3 cancer, 10/11 lymph nodes infected. I'm 3 years in remission (touch wood so far) but you never do know with disease, but you have to keep going for yourself, your family, you are stronger then this illness, more then you know.
My day was definitely better than my night. I'm finding that sleep is the hardest time. I'm exhausted and I'm willing myself to sleep and I'm fully panicking to the point where I have to get out of bed and it just doesn't let up. It's good to hear that so many people have been further along and are fine or coping. I've been walking around the neighborhood at night and last night I thought to myself, you're wandering the streets at all hours of the night, have you lost your mind and then I thought, well yes! Today someone actually asked me if I was on a dating website and I said no it's a support website, I've been converted from facebook and she said oh I figured since you're dying anyway, might as well get in a last fling huh. She turned beat red, I think she didn't realize what she just said until after she said it. What a day. Thank you all. I'm sane at the moment although I have a feeling in the morning I'm going to be back to panick and pacing. At least now I have some new thoughts in my head that it doesn't mean death. I just have to convince myself now.0 -
Thanks AllSonia32 said:Hugs
I went through the same emotions as you did, heck we all did. Boy I was up and down like a yo yo, and the panic attacks, when they started one night I thought I was dying. My family on here some of them guided me through a lot, and still do. I'm so glad you are here, you have found a home away from home. Just don't keep anything you're feeling bottled up ok? it's important, and keep talking to us. By the way I was 32 when I was hit with stage 3 cancer, 10/11 lymph nodes infected. I'm 3 years in remission (touch wood so far) but you never do know with disease, but you have to keep going for yourself, your family, you are stronger then this illness, more then you know.
My day was definitely better than my night. I'm finding that sleep is the hardest time. I'm exhausted and I'm willing myself to sleep and I'm fully panicking to the point where I have to get out of bed and it just doesn't let up. It's good to hear that so many people have been further along and are fine or coping. I've been walking around the neighborhood at night and last night I thought to myself, you're wandering the streets at all hours of the night, have you lost your mind and then I thought, well yes! Today someone actually asked me if I was on a dating website and I said no it's a support website, I've been converted from facebook and she said oh I figured since you're dying anyway, might as well get in a last fling huh. She turned beat red, I think she didn't realize what she just said until after she said it. What a day. Thank you all. I'm sane at the moment although I have a feeling in the morning I'm going to be back to panick and pacing. At least now I have some new thoughts in my head that it doesn't mean death. I just have to convince myself now.0 -
I was such a mess this morningsmokeyjoe said:Hi Helen so sorry you're in
Hi Helen so sorry you're in this spot, it's a horrible feeling, I know. The anxiety we go through is over the top!! Some people on here give the advice of putting one foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward one step at a time, and that's all you can do. I am confused by your post though, you say it came back fast. Did you have a spot that has been removed and it came back within a short period of time? Or during tests CT's they found there was suspicion of lymph node involvement? Are they doing a biopsy of your lymph nodes separately, or are they going to wait and remove these during surgery? I think whether or not you'll need a colostomy will depend on where your tumor is, I had a very large tumor and a hysterectomy as it had spread to my ovaries etc...but I did not wake up with a bag. I think it all depends on the surgeon and where the tumor is located. If you do end up with one there are several people on here that will give you good advise on managing it, and how to plan for it prior to having surgery.
Now that I'm at work and not in my room of doom, I'm much more coherent. Those four walls are going to take me out. I work very long hours, have 3 kids and I'm about to be a grandma so all this lack of sleep is painful. I had spot bleeding 13 years ago which I was originally told was hemmorhoids (at the time it was). Doctor at the time was a general practioner, did a sigmoidoscopy in his office, found polyps, didn't remove them, told me I should go have them removed. My husband says he told me they could turn to cancer. I had literally just had my son and have no idea he said that. I see that same doctor for 13 years, he never asks, I never gave it a thought. I had spot bleeding for years, I'm thinking hemmerhoids. I'm in my 30s, I have no reason to worry. Then December I have sudden heavy bleeding (I've heard I'm very lucky), went in. Stage one. Was told 90% of people have this surgery and they're done. I figured, 90% heyyy. I went back for a surgery checkup 9 weeks later thinking it's a routine visit and doctor says you're got a regrowth at the original site which he could see through a sigmoidoscopy, took a biopsy, he says cancer is a regrowth (I now understand he could have not seen something that was there during the surgery). Then he says I'm sending you for a sonogram to get ready for the next surgery which may include a colostomy bag so you may need another surgery to reverse. So I'm like okay one more time, maybe something was missed but what if there are more that he doesn't see this round because he says this is still the curative phase before I head for treatable phase so I'm freaking out. I go home and google a zillion searches and every site indicates a recurrence usually happens after three months but before two years and I'm thinking umm 9 weeks and he can already see it what the hell. So I call the doctor and he says it is growing aggressively so I should get to the next surgery soon but it is not aggressive cancer so I am at least not worried about that. So I have time for opinions. So I go for step one, the sonogram and he says there's a spot on my lymph and they biopsied it to see what it is. At this point he's just not convincing that it could be nothing. Will get those results on Monday. All this in 9 weeks? My brain just started hurting, not my head, my actual brain. Doctor said I'm still in curable phase but somehow I just can't grasp those words. Apparently my aunt Eileen who is still alive has had colon cancer and several of my cousins have had precancerous polyps and they only let people know on a "need to know basis" because they are older Irish people. To which I replied "so if I died, i would have needed to know". So I'm worried as hell. I was going to do genetic testing but then my cousin said that you might not get insurance if you go for a new job. Turns out federal laws now protect that under the new healthcare laws but it's a new election year so I'm going to wait to see if we end up with a new president who reverses any of those laws. Otherwise I'll be going for genetic testing. My sister has offered to do it because she doesn't have insurance anyway but it will cost her 2,000 plus what if she doesn't have the gene? That's a bit backwards.0 -
I was such a mess this morningsmokeyjoe said:Hi Helen so sorry you're in
Hi Helen so sorry you're in this spot, it's a horrible feeling, I know. The anxiety we go through is over the top!! Some people on here give the advice of putting one foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward one step at a time, and that's all you can do. I am confused by your post though, you say it came back fast. Did you have a spot that has been removed and it came back within a short period of time? Or during tests CT's they found there was suspicion of lymph node involvement? Are they doing a biopsy of your lymph nodes separately, or are they going to wait and remove these during surgery? I think whether or not you'll need a colostomy will depend on where your tumor is, I had a very large tumor and a hysterectomy as it had spread to my ovaries etc...but I did not wake up with a bag. I think it all depends on the surgeon and where the tumor is located. If you do end up with one there are several people on here that will give you good advise on managing it, and how to plan for it prior to having surgery.
Now that I'm at work and not in my room of doom, I'm much more coherent. Those four walls are going to take me out. I work very long hours, have 3 kids and I'm about to be a grandma so all this lack of sleep is painful. I had spot bleeding 13 years ago which I was originally told was hemmorhoids (at the time it was). Doctor at the time was a general practioner, did a sigmoidoscopy in his office, found polyps, didn't remove them, told me I should go have them removed. My husband says he told me they could turn to cancer. I had literally just had my son and have no idea he said that. I see that same doctor for 13 years, he never asks, I never gave it a thought. I had spot bleeding for years, I'm thinking hemmerhoids. I'm in my 30s, I have no reason to worry. Then December I have sudden heavy bleeding (I've heard I'm very lucky), went in. Stage one. Was told 90% of people have this surgery and they're done. I figured, 90% heyyy. I went back for a surgery checkup 9 weeks later thinking it's a routine visit and doctor says you're got a regrowth at the original site which he could see through a sigmoidoscopy, took a biopsy, he says cancer is a regrowth (I now understand he could have not seen something that was there during the surgery). Then he says I'm sending you for a sonogram to get ready for the next surgery which may include a colostomy bag so you may need another surgery to reverse. So I'm like okay one more time, maybe something was missed but what if there are more that he doesn't see this round because he says this is still the curative phase before I head for treatable phase so I'm freaking out. I go home and google a zillion searches and every site indicates a recurrence usually happens after three months but before two years and I'm thinking umm 9 weeks and he can already see it what the hell. So I call the doctor and he says it is growing aggressively so I should get to the next surgery soon but it is not aggressive cancer so I am at least not worried about that. So I have time for opinions. So I go for step one, the sonogram and he says there's a spot on my lymph and they biopsied it to see what it is. At this point he's just not convincing that it could be nothing. Will get those results on Monday. All this in 9 weeks? My brain just started hurting, not my head, my actual brain. Doctor said I'm still in curable phase but somehow I just can't grasp those words. Apparently my aunt Eileen who is still alive has had colon cancer and several of my cousins have had precancerous polyps and they only let people know on a "need to know basis" because they are older Irish people. To which I replied "so if I died, i would have needed to know". So I'm worried as hell. I was going to do genetic testing but then my cousin said that you might not get insurance if you go for a new job. Turns out federal laws now protect that under the new healthcare laws but it's a new election year so I'm going to wait to see if we end up with a new president who reverses any of those laws. Otherwise I'll be going for genetic testing. My sister has offered to do it because she doesn't have insurance anyway but it will cost her 2,000 plus what if she doesn't have the gene? That's a bit backwards.0 -
Apparently I'm a bit slow onsmokeyjoe said:Hi Helen so sorry you're in
Hi Helen so sorry you're in this spot, it's a horrible feeling, I know. The anxiety we go through is over the top!! Some people on here give the advice of putting one foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward one step at a time, and that's all you can do. I am confused by your post though, you say it came back fast. Did you have a spot that has been removed and it came back within a short period of time? Or during tests CT's they found there was suspicion of lymph node involvement? Are they doing a biopsy of your lymph nodes separately, or are they going to wait and remove these during surgery? I think whether or not you'll need a colostomy will depend on where your tumor is, I had a very large tumor and a hysterectomy as it had spread to my ovaries etc...but I did not wake up with a bag. I think it all depends on the surgeon and where the tumor is located. If you do end up with one there are several people on here that will give you good advise on managing it, and how to plan for it prior to having surgery.
Apparently I'm a bit slow on the just hit the button once, it takes a minute concept. I keep hitting the button twice and posting twice.0 -
I actually have protectionLuckygirl2 said:family medical leave act
By law you have 12 weeks of leave available to you that "protects" your job. It isn't a paid leave, it just holds your job for 12 weeks per year. If you work for a small company it could be different. Check in to though. You sound like me, I am not a very good waiter on things especially when they relate to my life expectancy! I am Stage IIIB, my first thoughts were crap that just a hiccup away from Stage IV. but as you read postings on the board, you realize, that doesn't mean I'm going to die. I had a clear scan in December and just had a second one in April and have to have another one in July because of some lymph node issues, so like you I'm trying not to think "it's back". Try to stay busy if you can and concentrate on things you love to do and that lets you forget even for a while that you have cancer. I don't do well with anti anxiety/depressants so I stay away from them as best I can. I wish I had more advise for you but unfortunately, we each have to find our way the best way we can BUT this board can give some great advise!
Wish you well.
Debbie
I actually have protection for 130 days (I have to find out if it's a 12 month period or a calendar year bc that makes a big difference) under disability and 12 weeks FMLA but they run concurrent. So the 12 weeks FMLA gets sucked right into the disability and doesn't exist. I've used 27 disability/35 FMLA so far (I can use 52 FMLA total so the surgeries eliminate those). I have to calculate for two more possible surgeries. As long as everything goes well, I should be okay. It takes two months to recover from what I'm reading. I can't believe that after 19 years at this job, they'd let me go. I would have to reapply as a new employee and lose all my current benefits and earn them back. Also new employees don't get a pension which is so rare to have that I don't want to let mine go. I don't do well with drugs. I wish I did. I try them hoping the drug will be different. So far I'm planning my daughter's baby shower but I turned over partial planning to my sister Gloria bc I need backup. Tomorrow I'm running my sister Mary's yard sale which we planned to do months ago. This board is very handy, I already feel better. Of course I'm still at work. I hope I feel the same when I get home. It seems to change everything. Panic sets in.0 -
I'll just repeat what many
I'll just repeat what many others have said. When I was first diagnosed, I felt completely crazy. I did take Valium some to help me sleep and sometimes still do, like when I have a procedure coming up. I also got some antidepressants but they made me feel crazier to the point of panic attacks like you mentioned so I quit taking them and was much better. After the initial shock, with plan in place, I did feel better. I think you will too. Plus, it sounds like you do have a plan to go to Sloan Kettering and will get good treatment and answers there.
I think one of the hardest things about cancer is that we never know how it is going to behave. Statistically, it is unusual that you have a recurrence at nine weeks. I think that's what gets to many of us is we don't know what's around the bend or on the next scan. But I will say that somehow one does adjust to this. It is amazing what we can do and how we adapt. You will feel better after this initial shock wears down.
Finding things to help you relax will be helpful. It is different for everyone. I still go outside and stand in the sunlight like I did initially, take walks with my dogs, do meditations and affirmations, draw mandalas and take valium as needed. I also opened myself to accepting help from others which is something I had never done. It has been healing to accept that help.
My heart goes out to you because I understand how hard this is.
Laura0 -
G'day HelenHelen321 said:Thanks All
My day was definitely better than my night. I'm finding that sleep is the hardest time. I'm exhausted and I'm willing myself to sleep and I'm fully panicking to the point where I have to get out of bed and it just doesn't let up. It's good to hear that so many people have been further along and are fine or coping. I've been walking around the neighborhood at night and last night I thought to myself, you're wandering the streets at all hours of the night, have you lost your mind and then I thought, well yes! Today someone actually asked me if I was on a dating website and I said no it's a support website, I've been converted from facebook and she said oh I figured since you're dying anyway, might as well get in a last fling huh. She turned beat red, I think she didn't realize what she just said until after she said it. What a day. Thank you all. I'm sane at the moment although I have a feeling in the morning I'm going to be back to panick and pacing. At least now I have some new thoughts in my head that it doesn't mean death. I just have to convince myself now.
I'm not one to give advice on how to survive but I can tell you how I felt at the same phase as you are in now and how I handled it. For a start I did not have the option of having a scope ,I asked for one but was told "ÿou are just too fat ,lose weight and you will be fine....can you just do a scope...what didn't you understand about too fat?"
Next doc told me I had a loose loop of bowel ,come back in three mos. I went back in three weeks and spat the dummy. He scheduled a scope to shut me up. Had the scope ,the GI could not get it past the CA. I was at risk of stricture and rupture. Learned my first lessen. My life ,my body I knew I had aproblem ,make noise ,get action. Don't assume that all docs care ,they are working for a living.
Was operated on the next evening after my scope. Only a moderate sized tumour but very aggressive . Into six regional lymph nodes. I was cut from sternum to groin. I asked the surgeon what he thought. Too aggressive too many nodes ,you won't make it. Wellyou know it's far easier to die,really! dying is easy..living is hard.. For some reasonn I knew ca would not kill me if I didn't let it. So I fought for my life. Did 48 sessions of chemo over a year. Was offered the option of stopping several times as I was so ill with it. Nope no way I'd chosen to live ,just shut up and keep poisoning me.
I went back to work around the second month of chemo. Everyone around me thought I was dying ,it was my secret that I wasn't.
Well that all happened in Jan 1998. I have had the indignity of a million scopes(well it seems that way) more scans than can be healthy and a lot of nasty little problems that have tried to kill me. BUT none of them were ca I have had no sign of a recurrence.
Soooo I continue to survive. Surviving survival is not easy but as I mentioned living is not easy.
Like I said at the start I am not good at giving advice,your body ,your choice .
Whatever you choose I wish you well, Hugs Ron.0 -
Thanksron50 said:G'day Helen
I'm not one to give advice on how to survive but I can tell you how I felt at the same phase as you are in now and how I handled it. For a start I did not have the option of having a scope ,I asked for one but was told "ÿou are just too fat ,lose weight and you will be fine....can you just do a scope...what didn't you understand about too fat?"
Next doc told me I had a loose loop of bowel ,come back in three mos. I went back in three weeks and spat the dummy. He scheduled a scope to shut me up. Had the scope ,the GI could not get it past the CA. I was at risk of stricture and rupture. Learned my first lessen. My life ,my body I knew I had aproblem ,make noise ,get action. Don't assume that all docs care ,they are working for a living.
Was operated on the next evening after my scope. Only a moderate sized tumour but very aggressive . Into six regional lymph nodes. I was cut from sternum to groin. I asked the surgeon what he thought. Too aggressive too many nodes ,you won't make it. Wellyou know it's far easier to die,really! dying is easy..living is hard.. For some reasonn I knew ca would not kill me if I didn't let it. So I fought for my life. Did 48 sessions of chemo over a year. Was offered the option of stopping several times as I was so ill with it. Nope no way I'd chosen to live ,just shut up and keep poisoning me.
I went back to work around the second month of chemo. Everyone around me thought I was dying ,it was my secret that I wasn't.
Well that all happened in Jan 1998. I have had the indignity of a million scopes(well it seems that way) more scans than can be healthy and a lot of nasty little problems that have tried to kill me. BUT none of them were ca I have had no sign of a recurrence.
Soooo I continue to survive. Surviving survival is not easy but as I mentioned living is not easy.
Like I said at the start I am not good at giving advice,your body ,your choice .
Whatever you choose I wish you well, Hugs Ron.
great secret! And I feel so much better tonight. Yeah it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm still up on day 4 of not sleeping which I don't quite get yet because I'm EXHAUSTED but I'm not in panic mode. I've realized today that I can only deal with today. And maybe tomorrow I'll forget and panic again but hopefully I'll get a grip and realize I can only deal with today. Tonight I hung out with my kids and we had a good laugh. They watched me eat brocolli sprouts and they made fun of me for eating grass. Offered to mow the lawn and sell it to me. Joke is, I'll be adding sprouts to their food next! Thank you so much for sharing. It really is far easier to die isn't it. Last night I really did feel like I wanted to. My mind was racing. Tonight, nothing but calm. This site has made me realize I need to calm down and deal with the situations as they arise. You are very good at giving advice, my body, my choice and today I read you're the victim or the victor, you choose which. I'm glad your surviving survival. I'll have to borrow that! And now I think I'll choose for my body to fall asleep. It's begging me to do so. Thanks to all who posted today. I would say it was more important than you'll ever know, but everyone knows. And now the next step is bed and deal with tomorrow tomorrow.0 -
Thanks Laura, I've beenlauragb said:I'll just repeat what many
I'll just repeat what many others have said. When I was first diagnosed, I felt completely crazy. I did take Valium some to help me sleep and sometimes still do, like when I have a procedure coming up. I also got some antidepressants but they made me feel crazier to the point of panic attacks like you mentioned so I quit taking them and was much better. After the initial shock, with plan in place, I did feel better. I think you will too. Plus, it sounds like you do have a plan to go to Sloan Kettering and will get good treatment and answers there.
I think one of the hardest things about cancer is that we never know how it is going to behave. Statistically, it is unusual that you have a recurrence at nine weeks. I think that's what gets to many of us is we don't know what's around the bend or on the next scan. But I will say that somehow one does adjust to this. It is amazing what we can do and how we adapt. You will feel better after this initial shock wears down.
Finding things to help you relax will be helpful. It is different for everyone. I still go outside and stand in the sunlight like I did initially, take walks with my dogs, do meditations and affirmations, draw mandalas and take valium as needed. I also opened myself to accepting help from others which is something I had never done. It has been healing to accept that help.
My heart goes out to you because I understand how hard this is.
Laura
Thanks Laura, I've been doing midnight walks to try to escape the crazy but after talking to everyone today, I though I'd try sleep. I actually feel amazingly better. I've never been one to follow statistics anyway. Statistically most people can't stay up 3 days in a row without sleep. Definitely not breaking a record, 4 is my limit. Thanks all and good night!0 -
Hi HelenHelen321 said:Thanks
great secret! And I feel so much better tonight. Yeah it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm still up on day 4 of not sleeping which I don't quite get yet because I'm EXHAUSTED but I'm not in panic mode. I've realized today that I can only deal with today. And maybe tomorrow I'll forget and panic again but hopefully I'll get a grip and realize I can only deal with today. Tonight I hung out with my kids and we had a good laugh. They watched me eat brocolli sprouts and they made fun of me for eating grass. Offered to mow the lawn and sell it to me. Joke is, I'll be adding sprouts to their food next! Thank you so much for sharing. It really is far easier to die isn't it. Last night I really did feel like I wanted to. My mind was racing. Tonight, nothing but calm. This site has made me realize I need to calm down and deal with the situations as they arise. You are very good at giving advice, my body, my choice and today I read you're the victim or the victor, you choose which. I'm glad your surviving survival. I'll have to borrow that! And now I think I'll choose for my body to fall asleep. It's begging me to do so. Thanks to all who posted today. I would say it was more important than you'll ever know, but everyone knows. And now the next step is bed and deal with tomorrow tomorrow.
I don't have nothing to add...just wanted to say "Hey"... hang in there.
"The old me is dead and gone....but the new me is gonna be alright"..... T.I.
I love that song!
Jennie0
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