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My mom died almost 1 year ago.

Sarahbear89
Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2012

I'm 22 years old and on May 5th of 2011 I lost the most amazing person and woman I have ever known. My mommy. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001, my dad left which left my sister and I to take care of her with the help of my grandparents. I was her main caregiver throughout my teens and in 2007 on my 18th birthday she was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. She lived longer than her predicted 2 years but they didn't go by easily.

In may of 2011 9 days before my college graduation.... She was gone. It was just me and her at the house and she was supposed to have chemo that day but I couldn't get her up. I called and told the oncologist and they said they would call to check on her later. She was up every few hours after that but completely delirious. That was the norm with her sometimes at the beginning of each month when she had her pain medicines replenished. So I thought nothing of it. But her doctor then called and told me to at least take her to the hospital for fluids because she can't been eating or drinking.

My brother and I got her to the hospital where we waited for what seemed like hours.. The doctors informed me she was having seizures and her brain was showing no signs of activity.. She was in a coma.. They asked me for her power of attorney... 15 hours later my mom... My mommy my best friend was gone.

Its going to be a year in the 5th and it seems like my life is falling apart. Since my mom died I've lOst all my family because no one gets along with our her... She was the glue and her being sick was all any of us really knew... So now that she's gone it's horrible.

I miss my mom so much and sometimes I just want to be with her so bad that I feel like I'll do just about anything to see her again. I use to dream about her and I don't any more it's like she's angry with me for all of the non sense with my family whom I miss dearly and have tried reaching out to....

I just want my mom back I just don't knOw how to keep going on with out her.

I don't mean to ramble.. But I don't know where else to say how I feel. I could tell my mom everything and now I have no one to talk to. I just need someone to just listen to me. Or anything. I know there hasto be someone out there who knows how this feels...

Thank you even if you just read this...

Sarah

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1192
Joined: Apr 2009

Sarah,

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. You are so very young to have lost your mother. However, age is no barrier to the sadness one feels when they lose a parent. I am 65 and lost my own sweet mother(not to cancer) 6 years ago at age 96. She was my best friend also. I can only tell you that it does get a little easier with time.

Your mother is not angry with you and I'll bet she is still watching over you. If you can, try to concentrate on the good memories you have of her

I'm sorry that your family is not supportive. I'm not a religious person, but I've seen others suggest that if you are associated with a church, perhaps you could speak to a pastor or friend there.

Now is not the time for you to join your mother. She would want the best for you and for you to have a full, wonderful life. I'm sure she loved and appreciated you very much.

Please take care. I'm sure there are many here that will talk to you also.

Luv,

Wolfen

(Member of and Mother to Johnnybegood who is a Stage IV Colon Cancer Survivor)

Sarahbear89
Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2012

Thank you so much for your kind words. Being able to express my emotions and have support is really nice.
It really means a lot that someone know how it feels To lose a mother, and has gone through this.

Thank you again
Hugs
Sarah :))

catwink22's picture
catwink22
Posts: 239
Joined: Sep 2009

I am so so sorry that you had to lose your mom at such a young age. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you and your mom to go through that. That loss never goes away but it does get better with time. Try to cope by living each day in a way that would make your mom proud, you have the ability to honor your mom by living in a way that would be her way.

You could hide under the covers and let life pass you by, missing out on the blessings of each day or you could greet each day as she would, embracing it and seeing it through her eyes as a blessing and not to be wasted. She taught you how to love, to celebrate life, to smile and to be strong even when it hurts to be, and when the time comes to be a good mother to your own children.

You may not have dreams of her, but look for signs of your mom's presence and you may feel it and see it when you need to, whether it’s a beautiful rainbow or a song that comes on the radio when you are thinking about her with the words that she would say to you at that moment. Open your heart to feeling her presence and she will be there.

Be gentle with yourself, your mom is not angry at you and you are not responsible for other’s behavior, you are each dealing with your own loss. You may want to go to a grief counselor or support group where you can work through your feelings with others who understand, and then you can try to reach out to your family after you have dealt with your own pain.

Maybe you can turn those difficult memories of your mom’s last few hours into thoughts of how she is now at peace in a place where she no longer struggles and is able to love you and be there in a way she couldn't be when she was so ill.

I wish you your mother's love and comfort in knowing that things WILL get better, you don't have to deny yourself the grief but you do need to give yourself permission to miss your mom while moving forward in a way that she would like you to, realizing that she is still around but in a different way, no not the way you would like her to be, but in a way in which she can be, no longer in pain and no longer suffering.

Sending you hugs and hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone on this journey of sorrow.
Cat

Sarahbear89
Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2012

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Everyday it gets a bit easier, but it just feels like because it's getting so close to the one year marker all the strength I've had has just left me. It felt good to cry last night and I know I should. I guess I just miss her embrace when I was at such a low.

Knowing I have people like you to listen and help me through this really helps enormously.

Thank you sooooo much!!
Hugs
Sarah :))

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Sarah,

I am so sorry for your loss... and you are so young to experience all this sickness and death. But it does seem your mom left you with much love or you would not be feeling such loss. You have your whole life ahead of you... and your mom will be with you always.

Today is May Day... it is my anniversary. I lost my husband to melanoma on May 27th, 2011. It is 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I am trying to move forward, I miss him... but I also know he would not want me to be unhappy forever.

One week before he passed my mom passed away from lung cancer. I could not be in two places at the same time... it was a terrible time. My feelings of grief for my mom for the past year have been placed in a box to be dealt with when I was stronger. Mother's Day is slmost here and the flood of grief broke last week for me. I am 59... age does not matter where grief is concerned.

Be easy on yourself, Sarah.
Your mom loved you with all her heart and would not want to see you suffer for long. Take grief classes (hospice has them), churches have them, maybe you have insurance? But try to work through your grief because life is good.

Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com

My_Immortal13
Posts: 5
Joined: May 2012

First of all I'm sorry for your loss.
My mom passed away 4 years ago,this may,and I'm still grieving.
I'm 17 right now and I guess I'm pretty young to go through this incident.
Our feelings are mutual.all of them.
There have been nights where I cry my self to sleep because I miss her.
Usually what triggers my suicidal thoughts is when I do something wrong.
You know I just think that it would be different if she was here.
I even put a blade near my neck once,wanting to end it all.
I didn't because I know that she wouldn't be happy if I did.
I made a post in the breast cancer section similar to this.
One of the nice ladies suggested an arm band with the initials WTMMH(would this make mom happy?)
I felt like that was an amazing idea,it just appealed to me.
I love my mother enough to know she wouldn't have wanted me to kill or hurt myself with her death.

I can't deny that I haven't had these thoughts,but her memory stops me.
I will see her again one day.
I want her to be proud of me so I keep hope.
I know your pain well.if you ever want to discuss with someone whose suffered the same don't hesitate.
I'm only younger then you,otherwise I know your feelings too well.

Email: my_immortal1313@yahoo.com

Take care of yourself and be brave.

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5722
Joined: Apr 2009

I am amazed at my Wife Caregiver, her Mother passed away just about two weeks ago and now I am in the hospital with pneumonia, One of our children is having a problem with her pregnancy. where does my wife get her strength from to keep going and helping and giving to all of us. God has truly blessed me to have her by my side.

Hondo

cdeleon
Posts: 6
Joined: Jun 2012

My mom a year ago on the 6th of July.

Although I have 5 sisters, I was alone with her (with my girlfriend) when she died in the wee hours of the morning. I was her care giver for 2 years. All five of my sisters did not have time for it.

They missed out on something so very special.

It is so sad and depressing to think we are coming up on a year.

Time moves so fast.

God bless you.

mroyal87
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2012

my mom passed away two months ago from pancreatic cancer. i'm 24. it just doesn't seem fair that your mom and my mom were taken so soon. i don't know your pain because I am a firm believer that each situation is different and therefore the pain is different, but i know the pain i feel every minute of every day with my mom and i'm sorry. it's so hard. i'm dreading one year. it's hard to think of my life going on without her there. when you said she was your best friend, that's how i was with my mom. she was the best person i knew and i needed her still. anyway, my heart and prayers go out to you.

mroyal87
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2012

my mom passed away two months ago from pancreatic cancer. i'm 24. it just doesn't seem fair that your mom and my mom were taken so soon. i don't know your pain because I am a firm believer that each situation is different and therefore the pain is different, but i know the pain i feel every minute of every day with my mom and i'm sorry. it's so hard. i'm dreading one year. it's hard to think of my life going on without her there. when you said she was your best friend, that's how i was with my mom. she was the best person i knew and i needed her still. anyway, my heart and prayers go out to you.

pilotben999
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2012

Hello Sarah,

My mum passed away from arthritis spreading to her lungs and being induced into a coma. It was my final decision to switch off the machine. I was holding her hand. It was the saddest day ever. I was 19 years old and was left with hardly any family. I've never had a dad or siblings and my grandparents died when I was really young. It has been 1 year and 8 months since she passed on the 22/02/2012. I have learnt life knowledge, Peace and managed to continue at university. If you ever need help, research into Buddhism, the answers to how to stay happy and see what has happened was for the best, is in Buddhism, well it is for me :)

I hope you are coping.

Peace and Love

Ben Singleton, England

ethan14anderson
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2012

Hello,

My name is Ethan and I'm a 16 year old and I read your story. My mom had cancer starting in 2010 and at the time, I couldn't believe it. Up until January of this year, things were going as normal as they could be with my mom going to chemo and such. But then she lost it. Like your mom, mine was dilirous at times and it just got worse and worse.

She passed away in January and I feel the exact same as you. I don't know what I can do without her, I want to have a conversation with her just once to hear her voice. I could always tell her about what was going on and now I feel like I have no one else to talk to.

Having the same feelings as you,
Ethan

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Ethan, I'm very sorry about your mother. Losing a parent at such a young age has got to be really hard. It is hard for all of us to move forward when we lose someone we love no matter how old we are. The teen years already have their own problems, though. First, know that we are here. Many of us have lost parents, grandparents, friends, spouses, and siblings. We miss their voices, their hugs, their everything. I hope you have people you can talk with. Your mother would want the very best for you. You will never completely lose her. You have her in your memories and your heart. You may think I am getting a little senile, but I still talk to my husband at times. He died 3 years ago this month. Usually, it is only a few words when I have done something dumb and acknowledge that he would have laughed. I also acknowledge when he would have been proud of me for stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something new. I have no doubt that your mother is proud of you, too. You sound like a wonderful and caring young man. Take care of yourself. Cyber hugs, Fay

ethan14anderson
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2012

Thanks for reading and replying. I have plenty of people to talk to and I am glad I do. I'm sorry to hear about your husband, it must be difficult for you too.

Ethan

westcoastcanadi...
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2012

I had read your post right after my mom died and I was so grief stricken in July of this year that I couldn't reply if I tried. Its been two months and your post is as if I had written it myself.
I can't begin to tell you how your words are like mine if I had to write. I had this wonderful family. We were so close. And then 3 of the men died 20 yrs ago. So all the women went on and survived another 20 years beyond those men. And then..my mom died.
She had breast cancer last summer of 2011 and my little French Catholic mom of 80 years said to me "well...who needs a breast at this age anyways." She was quiet and matter of fact about her operation. She needed it. She got it done. I felt like we dodged a bullet. This summer I spent Mother's Day with her in a town 4 hours from me. I loved walking/semi-jogging behind her scooter as she zipped along the streets as we went out every time I visited her. I saw her for this usual holiday/birthday, and she turned 81, my daughter was 26 and I was 46 that week. It was good and then she felt tired. And my older sister came and took her to the hospital where we all found out she was dying of cancer. It was overwhelming and a nightmare. From the day they told us to the day she was gone was only 7 weeks. It was so short and I savor every minute of it in my mind. I loved her. She was my very best friend. She always supported all of us and cheered us on. She was amazing.
A whole wealth of wisdom and love left with her that day.
Its like the experience was so unkind to watch that I can't bear to think about it much at this time.
I lived at the Hospice with her as she died. The last 7 days of her life were so terrible for her and for all of us. Hospice is a wonderful place with great people to help you. But really, you're there to support your loved one as they die from such a terrible disease. The last few days I crawled into bed with her and spooned her. I told her "we're going to do this together Mom" I cried my eyes out. I'm still crying.
I know how you feel. I really do. I'm so sorry you've lost your own mom. We're so young, but I think it's very tough for a girl to lose her mom at any age. The person you need to speak to when things are good and bad, the person who you love so much is gone. Its a big void left behind...
I told my son when she died that we need to fill our lives up with people. He's a friendly person of 23 and my mom loved him so much. But I said we needed people because my family fell apart when she died. Not one person has called me yet and its been months.

We took in a room mate. We changed our lives. Got 2nd jobs. We keep busy. But yes, we miss her so much and the family we lost out on when she died is also a loss.
Keep strong out there young lady. We girls stick together. I hear you. Take care and we're growing from this in a good way I know it.

Elaine.

lauralee31
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2012

Hello Sara, I was a caregiver to my mom for almost 12 years she had Multiple Sclerosis and no one but another caregiver could understand the way i felt and feel. My mother passed away on May 7 2009 and it still feels like it was yesterday to me. She was bedridden for 7 out of the 10 years that she lived with myself and her grandson and granddaughter. I miss her terribly. The night she passed away she told me she had abit of a tummy ache, i gave her a cup of tea, and rubbed her tummy and covered her up and told her i loved her and didnt kiss that night for the first time in 43 yrs because i had a cold and didnt want her to get sick. That morning i got up as usual went in her room around 7:00 am to wake her before i got the kids up for school and got ready for work as I am a personal support worker also, and she had passed away sometime during the night. My life went into a stand still that moment i walked into her room and realized she was gone..the panic... the shock... the quilt took over that i hadnt heard her throughout the night to save her took over me for many months to follow. I went into a depression and had to leave work because i just couldnt cope with taking care of people anymore now that my mom was gone and no longer with me. I just didnt care anymore, One night i had a dream.. a dream about my mom. In this dream she came to me and I just wanted to be with her again to feel the love that any child no matter how old needed to feel. She told me not to feel sad and guilty to know i did the best i could do and she was proud of me, That it was her time to go on and no matter what nothing would have changed that. I awoke that morning feeling her love in my heart knowing i did the best that i could have. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing as humans we can do. When we take care of a loved one, a parent, a child or anyone that means the world to us its so hard to let go and say goodbye. But honey just know that we had those special times with them and they really never leave us they just lead us to people that help us make the memories get us through the rough spots. God bless you for being there honey and your mom well she will always be in your heart and death can never take that away from you and memories will always get you through the rough spots in your life. God bless xoxoxoxoxo

lauralee31
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2012

Hello Sara, I was a caregiver to my mom for almost 12 years she had Multiple Sclerosis and no one but another caregiver could understand the way i felt and feel. My mother passed away on May 7 2009 and it still feels like it was yesterday to me. She was bedridden for 7 out of the 10 years that she lived with myself and her grandson and granddaughter. I miss her terribly. The night she passed away she told me she had abit of a tummy ache, i gave her a cup of tea, and rubbed her tummy and covered her up and told her i loved her and didnt kiss that night for the first time in 43 yrs because i had a cold and didnt want her to get sick. That morning i got up as usual went in her room around 7:00 am to wake her before i got the kids up for school and got ready for work as I am a personal support worker also, and she had passed away sometime during the night. My life went into a stand still that moment i walked into her room and realized she was gone..the panic... the shock... the quilt took over that i hadnt heard her throughout the night to save her took over me for many months to follow. I went into a depression and had to leave work because i just couldnt cope with taking care of people anymore now that my mom was gone and no longer with me. I just didnt care anymore, One night i had a dream.. a dream about my mom. In this dream she came to me and I just wanted to be with her again to feel the love that any child no matter how old needed to feel. She told me not to feel sad and guilty to know i did the best i could do and she was proud of me, That it was her time to go on and no matter what nothing would have changed that. I awoke that morning feeling her love in my heart knowing i did the best that i could have. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing as humans we can do. When we take care of a loved one, a parent, a child or anyone that means the world to us its so hard to let go and say goodbye. But honey just know that we had those special times with them and they really never leave us they just lead us to people that help us make the memories get us through the rough spots. God bless you for being there honey and your mom well she will always be in your heart and death can never take that away from you and memories will always get you through the rough spots in your life. God bless xoxoxoxoxo

lauralee31
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2012

Hello Sara, I was a caregiver to my mom for almost 12 years she had Multiple Sclerosis and no one but another caregiver could understand the way i felt and feel. My mother passed away on May 7 2009 and it still feels like it was yesterday to me. She was bedridden for 7 out of the 10 years that she lived with myself and her grandson and granddaughter. I miss her terribly. The night she passed away she told me she had abit of a tummy ache, i gave her a cup of tea, and rubbed her tummy and covered her up and told her i loved her and didnt kiss that night for the first time in 43 yrs because i had a cold and didnt want her to get sick. That morning i got up as usual went in her room around 7:00 am to wake her before i got the kids up for school and got ready for work as I am a personal support worker also, and she had passed away sometime during the night. My life went into a stand still that moment i walked into her room and realized she was gone..the panic... the shock... the quilt took over that i hadnt heard her throughout the night to save her took over me for many months to follow. I went into a depression and had to leave work because i just couldnt cope with taking care of people anymore now that my mom was gone and no longer with me. I just didnt care anymore, One night i had a dream.. a dream about my mom. In this dream she came to me and I just wanted to be with her again to feel the love that any child no matter how old needed to feel. She told me not to feel sad and guilty to know i did the best i could do and she was proud of me, That it was her time to go on and no matter what nothing would have changed that. I awoke that morning feeling her love in my heart knowing i did the best that i could have. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing as humans we can do. When we take care of a loved one, a parent, a child or anyone that means the world to us its so hard to let go and say goodbye. But honey just know that we had those special times with them and they really never leave us they just lead us to people that help us make the memories get us through the rough spots. God bless you for being there honey and your mom well she will always be in your heart and death can never take that away from you and memories will always get you through the rough spots in your life. God bless xoxoxoxoxo

lauralee31
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2012

Hello Sara, I was a caregiver to my mom for almost 12 years she had Multiple Sclerosis and no one but another caregiver could understand the way i felt and feel. My mother passed away on May 7 2009 and it still feels like it was yesterday to me. She was bedridden for 7 out of the 10 years that she lived with myself and her grandson and granddaughter. I miss her terribly. The night she passed away she told me she had abit of a tummy ache, i gave her a cup of tea, and rubbed her tummy and covered her up and told her i loved her and didnt kiss that night for the first time in 43 yrs because i had a cold and didnt want her to get sick. That morning i got up as usual went in her room around 7:00 am to wake her before i got the kids up for school and got ready for work as I am a personal support worker also, and she had passed away sometime during the night. My life went into a stand still that moment i walked into her room and realized she was gone..the panic... the shock... the quilt took over that i hadnt heard her throughout the night to save her took over me for many months to follow. I went into a depression and had to leave work because i just couldnt cope with taking care of people anymore now that my mom was gone and no longer with me. I just didnt care anymore, One night i had a dream.. a dream about my mom. In this dream she came to me and I just wanted to be with her again to feel the love that any child no matter how old needed to feel. She told me not to feel sad and guilty to know i did the best i could do and she was proud of me, That it was her time to go on and no matter what nothing would have changed that. I awoke that morning feeling her love in my heart knowing i did the best that i could have. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing as humans we can do. When we take care of a loved one, a parent, a child or anyone that means the world to us its so hard to let go and say goodbye. But honey just know that we had those special times with them and they really never leave us they just lead us to people that help us make the memories get us through the rough spots. God bless you for being there honey and your mom well she will always be in your heart and death can never take that away from you and memories will always get you through the rough spots in your life. God bless xoxoxoxoxo

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