Apr 20, 2012 - 2:12 am
So I just got done watching the movie 50/50. It's about a guy that finds out he has a rare form of cancer. So anyway, throughout watching this movie the tears started to roll and I can't help but to think about my dad. I noticed that before my dad got diagnosed I didn't spend as much time with him as I do now and that hurts. It's like something bad has to happen before you realize that you shouldn't take the little things for granted ya know? It just eats me up on the inside that something this horrible had to happen for me to feel close to him and show him how much I really care. The whole time through this movie I was thinking like what if he doesn't make it to see me graduate with a nursing degree in college? Or what happens if I can't get to him if he needs me? A lot lately too I have been thinking about how easy it was to just pick him up and go do something with him whether it is a movie or whatever, and now I have to make sure he's okay and I have to make sure that he doesn't need anything, or if he has the strength to get up and walk a little bit. Why does this all have to be so hard and why am I being so hard on myself?
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is they know the cancer is somewhere in the lining of his stomach but apparently they can't pin point exactly where, but they said a few months ago that the chemo was has stopped it. Well about a month ago his daughter in North Carolina called (which is maybe once every couple of months), and then she posted something on facebook about it so i asked what it was and she said he told her it was stage four. None of this makes since if they can't find out where it is. And why is it that I'm there everyday and no one told me it was so bad but they tell her and shes never there? I don't know if I should be upset or angry at either one of them.
Anyway, thanks for reading my rants for now. It's just a lot that feels like it's on my shoulders and I'm tired of telling my mom about it and making her upset.