Mar 30, 2012 - 10:27 am
I must be in a real mood today to Vent to all of you what's on my mind. Read it, Comment, if you like, Blow me off as some emotional mental case - but understand I just need to share with someone what I am dealing with. I figure that some might see 'bplatt' and just by-pass the discussion entirely. I have no doubt many of you have been here too, so I want to know your experiences. I'm not trying to spread discouragement or distract from other, more positive, discussions, but this is a reality in my life and is probably a reality in some of your lives.
It sounds as if so many of the women on this discussion board are dealing with recurrence. It is my understanding if USPC recurs, it is not curable. My recurrence was diagnosed exactly 1 year, to the day, from when I was declared NED. My symptoms - visible swelling in neck & pain in arm & shoulder. Diagnosis - 4 cm x 3.5 cm in Supraclavicular lymph node and 1 cm & .5 cm in Right & Left upper lung lobes, plus several smaller spots on my lungs, all new compared to last CT.
If USPC is not curable, am I to expect this cancer will pop up indiscrimently anywhere, at least once a year? Does it recur in the same places every time or does it randomly pick a new target with each recurrence? What's your experience between first diagnosis and 1st,2nd, 3rd recurrences. I sat in chemo a couple of weeks ago with a women who has had 57 rounds of chemo. Cancer/Chemo is her life and has been since 2007. She said the most important word in her vocabulary is "STABLE". She has a wonderful frame of mind and great attitude - I just wonder if I have what it takes to be like her. Sometimes I wonder since I had an emotional meltdown the other day because of the impact cancer/recurrence has had on mine and my family's lives, physically, emotionally and financially. It was a total 'Pity Party'. I cried for two hours - fought with God, blamed God, asked God to please forgive me for my absolute selfishness and then praised and thanked Him for everything He has done for me. I love life and my husband & I have been so blessed with everything we NEED. But, I must say, in the big scheme of things, and when I'm in my totally selfish, "human" mind, I'm afraid to Dream & think about the future. I have always been a very positive person and somewhat of a 'realistic' dreamer. But cancer has altered that dreaming and planning part of me! I'm so afraid to spend a dime on anything frivolous or extravagant, such as a cruise/vacation, new clothes, furniture, landscaping, etc.. because of the financial position we must deal with. We are not in poverty by any means, but when I am off of work and I have reduced pay, co-pays, out of pocket expenses, prescriptions, etc., our pennies are stretched to the limit. Any extra money must be set aside for unexpected experiences such as USPC recurrence. How does one plan anything for the future with the 'cloud of recurrence' hanging over your head? It's inevitable it's going to happen, so do you just plan your life around it? I think that is a legitament question.
To wrap this up - I'm just interested to know how you deal with all this?