What cancer take from us
Everyone sees that I look good and normal and assume the cancer is behind me. They don't get that it is always there in the back of your mind.
I know you sisters know what I am talking about. How do you deal with it?
Cindy
Comments
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Though I did not go through
Though I did not go through chemo I can relate. IN JUNE it will be 4 yrs since finished radation-I mentioned to most NON cancer patients and they say OH...I do not worry but I know it's always a possibility to return.
I am happy you are feeling and looking better-but try to focus on what you have right now!
(easier for me to say) Try using journal...
Denise0 -
Cindy
Unfortunately, I get it. But sometimes it was hard when I would get uptight when it was canniversary time, mammo or onco checkups, because no one else could understand that underlying fear. I did pray that I would see my boys graduate from high school, and was blessed with seeing them graduate from college too, and saw one get married.
I was able to hit most of my big goals and I am very grateful for the extra time between initial diagnosis and recurrence. But I too always assumed that I would grow into my 70's and 80's like my mom (89 at passing) and get too see grandchildren.
You are right cancer does take so much more from us than what people can see from the outside, but in some ways, because of the cancer I think it motivated me to do more, and do things differently. I believe it taught me a deeper sense of compassion and to open my eyes wide to see and enjoy family and friends more easily than I had before.0 -
Cancer for mecamul said:Cindy
Unfortunately, I get it. But sometimes it was hard when I would get uptight when it was canniversary time, mammo or onco checkups, because no one else could understand that underlying fear. I did pray that I would see my boys graduate from high school, and was blessed with seeing them graduate from college too, and saw one get married.
I was able to hit most of my big goals and I am very grateful for the extra time between initial diagnosis and recurrence. But I too always assumed that I would grow into my 70's and 80's like my mom (89 at passing) and get too see grandchildren.
You are right cancer does take so much more from us than what people can see from the outside, but in some ways, because of the cancer I think it motivated me to do more, and do things differently. I believe it taught me a deeper sense of compassion and to open my eyes wide to see and enjoy family and friends more easily than I had before.
and my recent recurrence has most of all taken away my peace of mind. I was diagnosed a little over 2 years ago, had the surgeries, did the aggressive chemo, did the rads, attended support groups, stayed active and positive, and now here it is back again in my bones. Don't know why--don't even ask. It just is what it is.
But, like Carol (camul), it's taught me many things as well. I'm living in the moment more now than ever and trying not to worry about the "small stuff" anymore. When I hear people fretting about silly things now, it's almost annoying. I want to say, "PLEASE, enjoy the day--you don't know how quickly it can all be taken away from you!" If only I knew back then what I do now!
Hugs, Renee0 -
cancer
I feel like you, always thinking about the big "C". I had a bug last week the first thing I thought of was. The cancer got into my head, because of all the headache I had to endure. Now I am back to "normal" and still scared to death the beast is coming back. I am finnished with the aggressive chemo and the rads, I am still on herceptin and I want too believe so long I am on something I will be save. I do understand you a 100%. But like all the pink sisters are saying, we need to live one day at the time, sometimes hard to do but that is the best advice I can give you too.
Hugs...Ilona0 -
I was just starting to
I was just starting to "forget" a year after and now I'm waiting to see if it's reared it's ugly head somewhere else! I don't think we will ever be cancer thinking free anymore. I don't think it's possible. The weird thing is, I have always worried that I might get it some day and now I'm living it. I don't think some-one w/o knows the fear we live with. I know I didn't know before now. I guess we just have to wish for the best. I do know I will not put off any vacations I wanted to take before because of money issues. I am going to try to live the best way I can.
Angela0 -
:-)
Hello Cindy, yes I think most of us get what you are referring to. It can be maddening at times but if truth be told to some degree it will most likely keep us on our toes and not allow us to take aches and pains for granted as we might have done before cancer. Our new worrisome selves may well cause us to seek help sooner and catch anything sketchy sooner. It has been 14 years since this all began for me and I have had a couple additional battles with cancer but in between those battles I have enjoyed my life and you will too. You are only 6 months out as time passes it will get a bit easier, I think it is a form of post traumatic stress syndrome and it will ease a bit. Remind yourself of all you have fought so hard for, your family and how everyday is a gift to be enjoyed. No it is not always easy but it is always worth it, keep fighting and keep enjoying your family! I hope as the months pass you will enjoy your days more!
Hugs,
RE0 -
Different
I guess is a sense I'm a little different in my thinking. Yes, cancer took a lot, but I'm trying to look at what it has given as much as taken. It gave me my wonderful hubby(he was my rock), a sense that there isn't a thing I can't do if I want, friends, family, grandkids to spoil rotten and that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible. I was able to keep my sense of humor through it all. Having no hair and talking about coloring your hair can be funny. Normal was never a term I really appllied to myself. I always valued being unique as I put it. One thing I have learned on this board is we are all as different as much as we are alike. Hope this helps.
Janie0 -
Stay in the Moment
Cindy... I can relate. I am a mother of an 11 year old. She was 9 when I was diagnosed. She and my husband were there when I had surgery, chemo, rads and endless appointments.
In short, what I have come to terms with is that no one really knows what the future holds. Cancer or no cancer, no one knows how much time they have left on earth. I have decided to put it in God's hands. This is bigger than me, I am doing my part to stay healthy( exercise, eat right, take my drugs, follow up with appointments...ect), the doctors continue to monitor my progress, and I know God is watching over me. It's as simple as that.
This philosophy might not work for everyone, but it does for me. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I think what would happen if I were gone and my daughter were left behind. She has my husband, her dad, but I worry for her and want to be around for when she goes to college, marries, and becomes a mother herself. I want to be an active grandparent and be part of these babies who are not even in the picture. It gives me peace of mind and heart to know God is with me and watching over me no matter what.
The future is rather hazy, but I have the present. There is a catch phrase that many survivors hear. It goes like this, "Stay in the Moment." That is what I am trying to do. Just be in the moment.
Take care, God bless.
Ines0 -
" A New Normal"
Dear Cindy,
"Normal" takes a while to achieve and we each do it in our time. The more years that go by without another recurrence, the quicker it will be. In many ways, we are hostage to this diagnose. Every time, there is a pain we can't account, we believe "it's" back. It is normal to think that way and when the "it's" proves to be just a sore back, then we return to normal. It is more of a "new normal".
The best time for me was between my 2nd and 3rd recurrence. The years I really did my "bucket list", there were months, I didn't even think about cancer at all.
More than 70% never have a recurrence and I hope you will be in that number. I hope you will see your children to maturity and will be that great grandmother enjoying the "golden years" surrounded by all your love ones.
Best,
Doris0 -
What cancer did NOT take from usSIROD said:" A New Normal"
Dear Cindy,
"Normal" takes a while to achieve and we each do it in our time. The more years that go by without another recurrence, the quicker it will be. In many ways, we are hostage to this diagnose. Every time, there is a pain we can't account, we believe "it's" back. It is normal to think that way and when the "it's" proves to be just a sore back, then we return to normal. It is more of a "new normal".
The best time for me was between my 2nd and 3rd recurrence. The years I really did my "bucket list", there were months, I didn't even think about cancer at all.
More than 70% never have a recurrence and I hope you will be in that number. I hope you will see your children to maturity and will be that great grandmother enjoying the "golden years" surrounded by all your love ones.
Best,
Doris
Cindy
Try to picture what cancer did not take from us. Despite all side effects and recovery problems ( my comeback took 2 years) our glass is half-full. It is up to us to make it almost full.
Hugs0 -
Years ago, I read a book of short stories by Stephen King
One of them was about a 'Boogeyman' in the closet. That's what I think of it - a monster just waiting to lunge.
I do have to admit, at 2 and a half yrs out, I don't think about it all the time. I can't exactly remember when that happened, because it was my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. But it did happen, gradually. I have been trying to lose weight and be in better shape physically, so as to be prepared for 'what if'.
Just as we are different and our cancers are different, we face or come to terms with things differently. Time, though, does help.
Hugs,
Sue0 -
Hi Cindy! I'm right thereCinkal said:Thanks for your words,
Thanks for your words, ladies. I was just having a bad day. I know I am not in this alone.I am going to think if what cancer did NOT take from me.
Hi Cindy! I'm right there with you! We lose our 'innocence', for sure. It's so hard to not be nervous waiting for test results now. It's like there's a big shoe over my head, waiting to drop on me. Most of the time, I tend to forget what has happened. It does seem to take twice as much energy to do the same amount of work. And you're so right about the looking normal. I think T and E also 'forget' sometimes and don't understand why I need to go bed early some days, or stay asleep longer.
We just have to believe that the worst is over for us, and keep on keepin' on. You are a very strong person with a wonderful family and great friends. You, Kat, and I will be going to bingo with our silver hair and walkers some day. You can bet on it!!! :-)
xoxo
Julie0 -
Hi Cindy
This is actually my first post. About a month ago I was diagnosed and from there I was on fast track with appt's and surgery. My follow up to my surgery is tomorrow and mid April I will begin my radiation. Thoughts are flying through my brain all the time and I frequently get stuck in the mode of who is going to enjoy retirement with my husband..... I have always been a planner and always planning for fun things to do in the future has always given me much joy. Since this is all so new to me I find myself not wanting to plan nor finding myself not really wanting to do much of anything. So many people that don't have cancer don't understand the magnitude and the heaviness of thinking about cancer. Slowly I am beginning to force myself to start planning again now that spring is coming upon us and forcing myself slowly to get back to "normal" again. I have my good moments and bad. But all in all I am just trying to focus on things that make me feel good and happy.
PDK0 -
I've been dxPDKonstan said:Hi Cindy
This is actually my first post. About a month ago I was diagnosed and from there I was on fast track with appt's and surgery. My follow up to my surgery is tomorrow and mid April I will begin my radiation. Thoughts are flying through my brain all the time and I frequently get stuck in the mode of who is going to enjoy retirement with my husband..... I have always been a planner and always planning for fun things to do in the future has always given me much joy. Since this is all so new to me I find myself not wanting to plan nor finding myself not really wanting to do much of anything. So many people that don't have cancer don't understand the magnitude and the heaviness of thinking about cancer. Slowly I am beginning to force myself to start planning again now that spring is coming upon us and forcing myself slowly to get back to "normal" again. I have my good moments and bad. But all in all I am just trying to focus on things that make me feel good and happy.
PDK
I've been diagnosed with non invasive, Stage 0 DCIS but still doesn't make me any more comfortable than those with invasive cancers.I think about Cancer alot. With 3 benign tumors found since my malignant one makes me more cautious and concerned. I'm just over 2 1/2 years since dx but just a couple days ago I told my husband I will feel more comfortable after my 5 year dx.A milestone. Then I remember friends and classmates being cancer free for years and it comes back. Cancer has given me a uncertainty about life.It's hard to explain but only us cancer patients can understand. No matter what Stage our lives will NEVER be the same.
I think the one thing I do is pray.That gets me by. I've been faced with other obstacles on top of the cancer dx.More than I've wanted but I pray for my cancer not the other problems people have put on me.Those people are out of my life.They know their gone and never coming back but just grateful it wasn't family. I guess what I am trying to say is "I don't put up with things like I used to". Some people used to treat me bad and it hurt but now they get rude with me and I'm gone. Cancer is LIFE CHANGING or should I say Life Challenging.
Lynn Smith0 -
PDKLynn Smith said:I've been dx
I've been diagnosed with non invasive, Stage 0 DCIS but still doesn't make me any more comfortable than those with invasive cancers.I think about Cancer alot. With 3 benign tumors found since my malignant one makes me more cautious and concerned. I'm just over 2 1/2 years since dx but just a couple days ago I told my husband I will feel more comfortable after my 5 year dx.A milestone. Then I remember friends and classmates being cancer free for years and it comes back. Cancer has given me a uncertainty about life.It's hard to explain but only us cancer patients can understand. No matter what Stage our lives will NEVER be the same.
I think the one thing I do is pray.That gets me by. I've been faced with other obstacles on top of the cancer dx.More than I've wanted but I pray for my cancer not the other problems people have put on me.Those people are out of my life.They know their gone and never coming back but just grateful it wasn't family. I guess what I am trying to say is "I don't put up with things like I used to". Some people used to treat me bad and it hurt but now they get rude with me and I'm gone. Cancer is LIFE CHANGING or should I say Life Challenging.
Lynn Smith
I know what you mean.My husband says he will retire this year.He could've retired 5 years ago.I've spent all our married life with him working 7 days a week and many many 12 hours a day. I want this retirement to come and enjoy it with him but I have my worries and uncertainty now.As I mentioned above non invasive DCIS but it was recommended to me no chemo or radiation.All my doctors thought that way.I just don't know any that had that same option.It is a worry to me.
My tumor was 1/2 centimeter and localized with clear margins with my second surgery.
Lynn Smith0 -
I have gained.
Mostly I have gained weight. Thanks bc. However, I am more determined to eat healthy and get some exercise to return to a healthy weight. I quit being a workaholic once I got the diagnosis. I also managed to get off coffee while on chemo. Go figure. I used to worry more about money as I am the bread winner of the family and pull the benefit train. What will they do to me if I can't pay the bills as fast as they'd like? Give me cancer? I used to grind my teeth at night due to worry about money and career advancement. Now I figure I might as well take the lowest stress job whatever the pay. It was all the worrying that gave me this cancer. I tried to laugh my way through bc. If I get it again I will try to have the docs take all measures possible as I must continue to take care of my disabled husband. I worry about him if I go ahead of him. But I am still healthier than he is, and it would take one heck of a case of cancer to do me in first. If I go first I get to be with Jesus. Heck being with Jesus is what I've wanted all along anyway. So if I stay I get to take care of hubby like I have for years and if not I get the very best. For me I see it as a win/win either way.0
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