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Religious nuts etc...

garym's picture
garym
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Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both out by the road pounding signs into the ground that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
"YOU'RE RELIGIOUS NUTS!!!!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires, followed by a big splash... Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks...

'Do ya tink maybe da sign shoulda jussay..."Da Bridge Issa Out?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

You weren't really expecting something serious from me now were you?

DMike's picture
DMike
Posts: 237
Joined: Nov 2011

Thanks for the laughs Gary. You remind me of another friend. Every time I see him I say tell me a joke and he always comes through with a new one. Laughter is good!

j_rod
Posts: 125
Joined: Mar 2012

I am getting older, so this one hit home with me.

What did the right sagging breast say to the left sagging breast?

"We better get some support soon.....or we're going to be nuts."

(A little double meaning here...)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'Hey, I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1470
Joined: Jan 2010

One of the lesser known traditions between Jews and Catholics is the meeting between the Pope and Chief Rabbi of Rome everytime there is a change. For each change the new and continuing Pope and Chief Rabbi meet with the other over two (2) bottles of wine, one Manachevitz and the other from a Convent in Northern Italy where the grapes are locally grown and each one blessed by the religous order. Two (2) traditionaal prayers are offered one Jewish and one Catholic. Each shares the other's wine.

At each meeting the Chief Rabbi traditionally offers the Pope a sealed envelope, one that has been sealed for hundreds if not thousands of years. Each time the Pope traditionaly refuses the sealed envelope. At the most recent meeting before you knew it the two bottles of wine were now empty and the Pope and Chief Rabbi were both feeling good. Each asked the other, can we open the envelope? They both agreed, why not. Inside the envelope was a crumbling parchment from Moishe the Caterer containing a bill for The Last Supper.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Oy gevalt, iceman, where did you get that one? Nicely told!

garym's picture
garym
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A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1867
Joined: Oct 2011

A preacher in a southern town prepares to give his sermon to his followers. Before he starts he begins with an announcement. He says, " I have been hearing that rumors are going around that I am involved with the KKK. Now I want the sinner who has said this to stand and identify themselves in the presence of the lord so that you may be forgiven for your lying sin! A local floosey slowly stands and says, " I think you are talking about me, but you have it all wrong. I never said you were involved with the KKK. I said you were a Wizard under the sheets!"

I apologize.

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

Gary - why always so serious? I trust you've heeded your doctor's comment :)

I've just sent your story on to my regular golfing partner who has just paid his routine visit to the renal clinic, asking him if he's reached that stage yet! Of course the issue has particular poignancy for winter golfers with n layers of warm clothes and waterproofs to make their way through (unless they have alternative routes for micturition, like flatlander - wish we had more news about how he's doing) but we hope that will soon be behind us as it warms up. Are you in the 60's now? [Not your age - I know that - the temperature!]

garym's picture
garym
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And don't forget that cold air shrinkage!

garym's picture
garym
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Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door
of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died."

LISAinTN's picture
LISAinTN
Posts: 143
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Love the laughs, Guys. Thanks! :o)

garym's picture
garym
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A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

I think this might have been me!

garym's picture
garym
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HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

TEXT WHILE DRIVING
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET HIM

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Keep 'em coming Gary. Where do you get them, or are they home-baked?

garym's picture
garym
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A wife and mother invited several people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
She said 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,'.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Shot my first turkey yesterday!
Scared the crap outta everyone
in the frozen food section.

It was awesome!
Gettin' old is so much fun...

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1867
Joined: Oct 2011

...Went to church last sunday. At the end of the service the preacher asked if there were any special prayers that needed to be said. I raised my hand and said, It's about my hearing." So after the congregation prayed for about 5 minutes, the preacher asked me, "How's your hearing now?" I told him, "I'm not sure. It's not till next thursday."

garym's picture
garym
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A blonde was sitting in economy class on a flight from Seattle to Chicago. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" asks the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago", the pilot replied.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Gary, do you have a book of these? Please either give me the book title or go ahead and publish your book!

garym's picture
garym
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Some are original, some I just run across and save for the right occasion, here's more:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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and well worth sending on to word-smithing members of family and friends who will appreciate such a good collection. Thanks again Gary.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

This message is especially for Gary, who has a healthy attitude towards being over-serious (hence his starting this thread). I must warn those of a sensitive disposition that they may be well-advised to give this story the go-by.

The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her
nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!'

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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As a quid pro quo for Gary's Mensa Invitational posting above, i offer these anagrams which a golfing buddy sent me the other day:

PRESBYTERIAN:- BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: - MOON STARER

DESPERATION:- A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:- THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:- HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:- DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:- CASH LOST IN ME

MOTHER-IN-LAW:- HITLER WOMAN

ANIMOSITY:- IS NO AMITY

SNOOZE ALARMS:- ALAS NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:- I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:- THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:- TWELVE PLUS ONE

and my personal favourite;

ELECTION RESULTS:- LIES - LETS RECOUNT

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
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And by trading the "W" for a couple other letters in TEXAS WEDGE you get;

GOLFER EXTRAORDINAIRE, RESEARCH CHAMPION, and ONE FUNNY GUY

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

Since you've mentioned golf:

And, you thought you were a tough weather golfer.
This notice posted in war-torn Britain in 1940/1 for golfers with stiff upper lips.
You have to admit --- these guys really had guts!

German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England ; because of the icy weather conditions,
the barrels of their guns had a small dab of wax to protect them. As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns by firing a few rounds at the golf courses. Golfers were urged to take cover.

Richmond Golf Club Temporary Rules, 1941

1. Players are asked to collect bomb and shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.

2. In competitions, during gunfire or while bombs are falling, players may take shelter without penalty for ceasing play.

3. The position of known delayed action bombs are marked by red flags at a reasonable, but not guaranteed, safe distance therefrom.

4. Shrapnel and/or bomb splinters on the fairways or in bunkers, within a club's length of a ball, may be moved without penalty, and no penalty shall be incurred if a ball is thereby caused to move accidentally.

5. A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced or, if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.

6. A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole, without penalty.

7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball. Penalty one stroke.

I hope I have the stiff upper lip gene - it may come in handy with this tiresome cancer business!

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE......
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Lest there be any misunderstanding the last item refers to the all-too-familiar phenomenon of support calls, particularly in IT, having been so comprehensively off-shored that you're almost certain now to be answered by someone in Bangalore or elsewhere in the Sub-continent, invariably very courteous and highly intelligent but usually very soft-spoken, with a hard to interpret accent and having to slavishly follow a script.]

garym's picture
garym
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In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

garym's picture
garym
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A young woman on a flight
from Ireland asked the priest beside her, Father,
may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for
my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over
the
Custom limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way
you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your
robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will
not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything t o declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said,'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

nyc_girl
Posts: 26
Joined: Apr 2012

One day, Mr. Purdue of Purdue Chicken came up with this great marketing idea involving the Catholic Church.  So he flies to Rome and makes an appointment to see the Pope.  When he sees the Pope he says: "Your Holiness, I have a business proposition for you.  My company, Purdue Chicken, is ready to give the Church a million dollars if you will just change one small line in the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'.  What do you say?"

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue sternly and shook his head "no".

Mr. Purdue was undeterred.  He continued: "Your Holiness, Purdue Chicken is a reputable company.  We are prepared to increase our offer to $5 million dollars if you will just make that one tiny change from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."

The Pope thought for a minute and again shook his head and said, "No, my son."

But Mr. Purdue was not ready to give up.  "All right Your Holiness,  you drive a hard bargain.  We are willing to give the Church $10 MILLION DOLLARS if you will just make that one tiny little change from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'  Do we have a deal?"

The Pope thought for a minute, then looked at Mr. Purdue, smiled, and said "All right, my son."

Later that day, the Pope called a meeting with the Cardinals.  He said: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news.  The good news is that the Church just made $10 million dollars in one day.  
The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."

 

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 390
Joined: Feb 2009

This is true. I was asked to speak to the Survivor's Luncheon at the local Relay for Life a couple of years ago and was looking for comments to "hook" the audience. I'd purchased one of the multi colored beaded bracelets from a local bank doing an ACS fundraiser, and really got to looking at it.
"Now I can understand using the pink bead to recognize womens' breast cancer; and the blue bead for prostate cancer; and gold for childrens' cancers....but who on earth decided on Pea Green for Kidney Cancer?"

Been There, Done That...three times.
Donna_Lee

foxhd's picture
foxhd
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Joined: Oct 2011

Good one DL!

foxhd's picture
foxhd
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This priest not known for hitting that good a golf ball, was approaching a par three of 220 yards. The carry had to be at least 180 yards over water.. So he begins digging through his bag to find a water ball that he doesn't mind losing as he really does not expect to clear the water. As he sets it up on the tee he looks toward the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, please help me hit this old ball across the water." He then hears a voice from above. "Use a new ball." The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Do you really think I should?" Again he hears, "Use a new ball." So the priest tees up a brand new titliest and sets up to hit it. He then hears the voice again. "Take a practice swing." The priest knows that that is a good idea. So he steps back, takes a practice swing and hears the voice from the heavens one more time. "Use the old ball."

garym's picture
garym
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In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear,
then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head;
and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm .

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

A few thoughts for the day

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do... and the eyesight to tell the
difference. Now that I'm older(but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It 's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.

17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after

garym's picture
garym
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The Washington Post published an article describing this as 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? S**t ... is it midnight already?

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

(As an Englishman I probably shouldn't post this but having lived most of my life in Scotland now I like to think of myself as an honorary Scotsman.)

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead buy it if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women
ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over
and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another 10 feet and finally hacks it another 5 feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f-----g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. ...............He would have been 62 next Tuesday...

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