Had a really rough few days! Venting
My hair started falling out Wednesday, the day before my second A/C drip. When I went to back on Tuesday with a scarf on my head, I thought I had it all together. Then, one of my very dear and sweet autistic students asked me why I had the scarf on. I stood there and started to cry in front of the 8th graders. They were very understanding and they know about my struggle, but I was mortified! I felt even worse that my one student who asked the question was upset. After I calmed down, I had to find a way to let her know that she did nothing wrong. Ugh. I felt like crap!
Today, I went into work, not feeling the best, but determined to make it through. I even took my cucumbers with me since they are one of the few things that cut down on the nausea. By mid day, I could barely stand. I was so sick and lightheaded. Then I had an anxiety attack in the teacher's planning center. They had to get the school nurse!!!! I hated being the center of attention and looking weak. My ex-husband came to get me because the doc's office wanted to see me right away. I ended up getting anti-nausea meds via the port and fluids as I was somewhat dehydrated. I am taking the next two days off. I don't know how I can walk into school on Tuesday with everyone looking at me with those - "I am so sorry" eyes. Cancer sucks!!!!
What makes a lot of this even worse is that my ex husband is so cold to me. I know that he cares, and he has even told me so, but he does not know how to handle any of this. He is finding it hard to look at me, touch me or hold me. I have let him know that I am not looking to reunite, but I don't want to go through this alone. There are sometimes when I need a hand to hold. I know that this is his struggle, and he even looks terrified, but I don't know how to let him that part of what I need is for him to allow himself to feel something so that our children and I can get through this in one piece. Make sense?
Dorene
Comments
-
Dorene
Yes it makes sense to me, but when I was first diagnosed, we were divorced for 2 years. He had no clue what to do, and was not very helpful. He couldn't talk about the cancer, he stayed as far away as possible.
I was transferred out of state during treatment but I was back every Friday for chemo and doctor appts and stayed at his place. He gave me the floor of loveseat and interrupted his sleep when I was getting sick. He was either rude or didn't talk at all, and did not mention the cancer to the boys.
I talked to a counselor I was so hurt after being married 19 years. He said no matter how much I needed him to be there it wasn't going to happen. He was not capable and even if we were still married, he could not deal with me sick. At the time I thought that the counselor had no clue. But then when I finished treatment and all the surgeries, he began talking to me.
I couldn't figure it out. At one point he said he was so scared that I was going to die and he didn't know what to do with 2 teenage boys! Other than sports, he was never involved in parenting. But at least able to talk and then actually became friends. My sisters thought I was nuts to ever talk to him again. I never wanted him back as my husband but realized when I got sick, that the boys needed both of us, and they needed their father if this was ever to come back.
In 2010, 8 years later, I the recurrence and I am stage iv. My older son is married, younger one was ready to move in with his girlfriend. I figured I have friends and my boys are close by I can do this. I didn't expect anything from ex. He has stepped up. He is supportive, he has taken me to chemo and doctor appointments, went on a family vacation with boys, wife and girlfriend. My younger son moved in with me, and his girlfriend has been a real help.
My ex and I have talked about the first time and he was scared and angry. He knew I didn't want to be with him again, but he also had no clue what his role was. I would suggest maybe seeing a counselor who works with cancer patients, maybe he would even be willing to come with you. I think that if we had done this the first time around he may have been able to lend support to his sons if nothing else.
Good luck to you,
Carol0 -
you're gonna be fine
Dorene.....as hard as it is for you right now....you're gonna be fine. as supportive as my husband is with me....even HE had a hard time with this. you have to remember that those around you don't know what to say....or do. and everyone handles things in a different way.....being able to talk to a few close friends was his turning point. lucky for me he had them and God in his life because it helps me not to worry about him....and focus more on my health. Martina McBride has that song out that is titled, "i'm gonna love you through it". and there's a line that someone says....."you know you have people in your life who love you, you just don't know how much until you get sick". you have people in your life that will help get you through this...and even if it's only 1 person you can trust.....let that person be your rock and don't worry about anyone else but you. this is a very tough time for you and the most important time for you to really honestly focus on you and take care of yourself.
i remember as i went through each step of chemo....it was sooo hard....but then you let out the cry each time and you put your big girl panties on and you focus on your health. you focus on your kids and you surround yourself with people who love you and are gonna make you laugh. i was diagnosed in oct 2011...i'm going thru my last chemo today and it's gonna be rough....i already know it. then i will have a full mastectomy next month followed up by radiation. the chemo was tough but i'm stronger than it is.....YOU are stronger than this. i used humor and laughter to get me through all of this so far.....and it has helped me heal. it's my tool..find yours and embrace it. it helped those who love me take those steps closer to me because they could see that i was choosing life and they wanted to be a part of it. they have all been true blessings to me and they will continue to be. people have such a hard time dealing with the "C" word...don't give up on them....they will come around.....just don't take it personally.
have i mentioned the part about focusing on yourself yet? lol. breathe it....love it....embrace it. put yourself first in every way. one other thing....consider FMLA and STD (short term disability) for a little while...until you feel better about everything. that's what i did and i'm a very hard worker....very strong in that i think i can take on anything.....i even told my boss that i was going to work through it all. but i soon realized i couldn't. it was too traumatic for me and i knew i wouldn't be able to focus on me. in the beginning you need time for yourself without interruption to take it all in and talk to people....find a group or two to be able to talk to people going thru the same thing....journal your thoughts......just sit and watch your favorite movies....do things to remind yourself of how great life is around you.
again, you will be ok honey.....in the beginning it's a huge shock.....but you'll get through this and so will everyone around you. Carol's ex turned out to be a huge blessing.....God will work through your ex as well and life will be good in Dorene land again.
God bless honey!
Ally0 -
Keep Going As Though All was Normal!
Walk in with your head up high and proceed as though the other day never happened. I have always found that this works best. With the adults, smile and say "I am still walking" laugh and don't give in. I worked all through my treatments. They accepted me as I am, if they felt pity, they didn't look at me that way, keeping it to themselves.
Once when I was at lunch on a beautiful day everyone moaned and groaned about a meeting after work. I looked at them and said, "want to change places with me tonight?", everyone looked down, finally one of the younger ones said, "no, we don't". I was in the middle of radiation.
Keeping going, making everything as normal as you can. This will allow you to go through with this a lot better if you were sitting home feeling sorry for yourself.
Been there, still am there.
A great big hug to you, ((((()))))))
Doris0 -
Hi, Carol,camul said:Dorene
Yes it makes sense to me, but when I was first diagnosed, we were divorced for 2 years. He had no clue what to do, and was not very helpful. He couldn't talk about the cancer, he stayed as far away as possible.
I was transferred out of state during treatment but I was back every Friday for chemo and doctor appts and stayed at his place. He gave me the floor of loveseat and interrupted his sleep when I was getting sick. He was either rude or didn't talk at all, and did not mention the cancer to the boys.
I talked to a counselor I was so hurt after being married 19 years. He said no matter how much I needed him to be there it wasn't going to happen. He was not capable and even if we were still married, he could not deal with me sick. At the time I thought that the counselor had no clue. But then when I finished treatment and all the surgeries, he began talking to me.
I couldn't figure it out. At one point he said he was so scared that I was going to die and he didn't know what to do with 2 teenage boys! Other than sports, he was never involved in parenting. But at least able to talk and then actually became friends. My sisters thought I was nuts to ever talk to him again. I never wanted him back as my husband but realized when I got sick, that the boys needed both of us, and they needed their father if this was ever to come back.
In 2010, 8 years later, I the recurrence and I am stage iv. My older son is married, younger one was ready to move in with his girlfriend. I figured I have friends and my boys are close by I can do this. I didn't expect anything from ex. He has stepped up. He is supportive, he has taken me to chemo and doctor appointments, went on a family vacation with boys, wife and girlfriend. My younger son moved in with me, and his girlfriend has been a real help.
My ex and I have talked about the first time and he was scared and angry. He knew I didn't want to be with him again, but he also had no clue what his role was. I would suggest maybe seeing a counselor who works with cancer patients, maybe he would even be willing to come with you. I think that if we had done this the first time around he may have been able to lend support to his sons if nothing else.
Good luck to you,
Carol
Hi, Carol,
You get it! You really do. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been feeling so down about this whole week, and you have helped me think it through with clarity. I think I am going to see someone professionally and ask John to come along with me. I know that as we were divorcing, he started seeing a therapist. I was thinking about suggesting that we maybe see his therapist together if it will make the process more comfortable.
Thank you again! You are amazing! And it sounds like you have an amazing support system around you as you continue your fight! My prayers go out to you and all of us.
Dorene0 -
Many thanks!ajdebbs said:you're gonna be fine
Dorene.....as hard as it is for you right now....you're gonna be fine. as supportive as my husband is with me....even HE had a hard time with this. you have to remember that those around you don't know what to say....or do. and everyone handles things in a different way.....being able to talk to a few close friends was his turning point. lucky for me he had them and God in his life because it helps me not to worry about him....and focus more on my health. Martina McBride has that song out that is titled, "i'm gonna love you through it". and there's a line that someone says....."you know you have people in your life who love you, you just don't know how much until you get sick". you have people in your life that will help get you through this...and even if it's only 1 person you can trust.....let that person be your rock and don't worry about anyone else but you. this is a very tough time for you and the most important time for you to really honestly focus on you and take care of yourself.
i remember as i went through each step of chemo....it was sooo hard....but then you let out the cry each time and you put your big girl panties on and you focus on your health. you focus on your kids and you surround yourself with people who love you and are gonna make you laugh. i was diagnosed in oct 2011...i'm going thru my last chemo today and it's gonna be rough....i already know it. then i will have a full mastectomy next month followed up by radiation. the chemo was tough but i'm stronger than it is.....YOU are stronger than this. i used humor and laughter to get me through all of this so far.....and it has helped me heal. it's my tool..find yours and embrace it. it helped those who love me take those steps closer to me because they could see that i was choosing life and they wanted to be a part of it. they have all been true blessings to me and they will continue to be. people have such a hard time dealing with the "C" word...don't give up on them....they will come around.....just don't take it personally.
have i mentioned the part about focusing on yourself yet? lol. breathe it....love it....embrace it. put yourself first in every way. one other thing....consider FMLA and STD (short term disability) for a little while...until you feel better about everything. that's what i did and i'm a very hard worker....very strong in that i think i can take on anything.....i even told my boss that i was going to work through it all. but i soon realized i couldn't. it was too traumatic for me and i knew i wouldn't be able to focus on me. in the beginning you need time for yourself without interruption to take it all in and talk to people....find a group or two to be able to talk to people going thru the same thing....journal your thoughts......just sit and watch your favorite movies....do things to remind yourself of how great life is around you.
again, you will be ok honey.....in the beginning it's a huge shock.....but you'll get through this and so will everyone around you. Carol's ex turned out to be a huge blessing.....God will work through your ex as well and life will be good in Dorene land again.
God bless honey!
Ally
Hi, Ally,
Thank you for "talking me down." This as been so hard because I have always prided myself in being in control. I have to now remind myself that I can still be in control - just a little differently. I will slow down, be more realistic about what I can handle, and remember to laugh. I was always the one at school making all the teachers laugh with my weird sense of humor. I have to "get my groove back" and start enjoying those moments again.
Dorene0 -
great advice!SIROD said:Keep Going As Though All was Normal!
Walk in with your head up high and proceed as though the other day never happened. I have always found that this works best. With the adults, smile and say "I am still walking" laugh and don't give in. I worked all through my treatments. They accepted me as I am, if they felt pity, they didn't look at me that way, keeping it to themselves.
Once when I was at lunch on a beautiful day everyone moaned and groaned about a meeting after work. I looked at them and said, "want to change places with me tonight?", everyone looked down, finally one of the younger ones said, "no, we don't". I was in the middle of radiation.
Keeping going, making everything as normal as you can. This will allow you to go through with this a lot better if you were sitting home feeling sorry for yourself.
Been there, still am there.
A great big hug to you, ((((()))))))
Doris
Hi, Doris,
I am now going to use your "I am still walking" line and not be bothered my the "I am so sorry" look. I have my moments but for the most part I do not like to sit and feel sorry for myself. So I am just going to keep smiling and walking tall. This past week is gone. I will hold my head up when I walk into work next week!
Thanks!
Dorene0 -
I forgot to say Congrats, Ally!ajdebbs said:you're gonna be fine
Dorene.....as hard as it is for you right now....you're gonna be fine. as supportive as my husband is with me....even HE had a hard time with this. you have to remember that those around you don't know what to say....or do. and everyone handles things in a different way.....being able to talk to a few close friends was his turning point. lucky for me he had them and God in his life because it helps me not to worry about him....and focus more on my health. Martina McBride has that song out that is titled, "i'm gonna love you through it". and there's a line that someone says....."you know you have people in your life who love you, you just don't know how much until you get sick". you have people in your life that will help get you through this...and even if it's only 1 person you can trust.....let that person be your rock and don't worry about anyone else but you. this is a very tough time for you and the most important time for you to really honestly focus on you and take care of yourself.
i remember as i went through each step of chemo....it was sooo hard....but then you let out the cry each time and you put your big girl panties on and you focus on your health. you focus on your kids and you surround yourself with people who love you and are gonna make you laugh. i was diagnosed in oct 2011...i'm going thru my last chemo today and it's gonna be rough....i already know it. then i will have a full mastectomy next month followed up by radiation. the chemo was tough but i'm stronger than it is.....YOU are stronger than this. i used humor and laughter to get me through all of this so far.....and it has helped me heal. it's my tool..find yours and embrace it. it helped those who love me take those steps closer to me because they could see that i was choosing life and they wanted to be a part of it. they have all been true blessings to me and they will continue to be. people have such a hard time dealing with the "C" word...don't give up on them....they will come around.....just don't take it personally.
have i mentioned the part about focusing on yourself yet? lol. breathe it....love it....embrace it. put yourself first in every way. one other thing....consider FMLA and STD (short term disability) for a little while...until you feel better about everything. that's what i did and i'm a very hard worker....very strong in that i think i can take on anything.....i even told my boss that i was going to work through it all. but i soon realized i couldn't. it was too traumatic for me and i knew i wouldn't be able to focus on me. in the beginning you need time for yourself without interruption to take it all in and talk to people....find a group or two to be able to talk to people going thru the same thing....journal your thoughts......just sit and watch your favorite movies....do things to remind yourself of how great life is around you.
again, you will be ok honey.....in the beginning it's a huge shock.....but you'll get through this and so will everyone around you. Carol's ex turned out to be a huge blessing.....God will work through your ex as well and life will be good in Dorene land again.
God bless honey!
Ally
Congrats for making it through chemo! You have your one last session followed by the mastectomy and radiation, but the big part is almost over! I am so pleased to hear that you got through it with such honesty and positive thoughts! I already had my mastectomy, and compared to the chemo, much easier after you get over the initial loss.
Bravo to you!!!! Have a post chemo party when you are feeling better!!!
Dorene0 -
Hi Dorene,Jobi said:great advice!
Hi, Doris,
I am now going to use your "I am still walking" line and not be bothered my the "I am so sorry" look. I have my moments but for the most part I do not like to sit and feel sorry for myself. So I am just going to keep smiling and walking tall. This past week is gone. I will hold my head up when I walk into work next week!
Thanks!
Dorene
I hope you're feeling better. The ladies here give such good advise that I just wanted to send good wishes.
Hugs,
Wanda0 -
Dorene--you're going to make it through thisLighthouse_7 said:Hi Dorene,
I hope you're feeling better. The ladies here give such good advise that I just wanted to send good wishes.
Hugs,
Wanda
because you sound like a true warrior to me. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned a lack of control. That is the thing that is most scary to many of us. I was first diagnosed in Nov. '09 with IDC and 10 positive nodes at Stage 3C. I got through all the surgery and treatments pretty well (with the love and caring of many). Now, here it is just a little over 2 years later and my cancer has metastasized to bone and I'm now Stage 4.
I'm struggling right now to deal with all of this and I think the hardest component is that lack of control feeling. Yes, there are still people (even dear, close friends) who say seemingly thoughtless things, but I'm trying really hard to cut them some slack. I know they want me better but sometimes just don't know how to relate. I'm not saying it's easy, though.
I hope you get stronger mentally and physically every day. And, don't stress too much about the job--most kids are very honest and their feelings are pure. Not only will they rally around you and give you support, they may even bring tears to your eyes for being so wonderful.
Take good care, sweetie. We all care about you.
Hugs, Renee0 -
thinking of you....
Denise
thinking of you....
Denise0 -
Going through this togethermissrenee said:Dorene--you're going to make it through this
because you sound like a true warrior to me. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned a lack of control. That is the thing that is most scary to many of us. I was first diagnosed in Nov. '09 with IDC and 10 positive nodes at Stage 3C. I got through all the surgery and treatments pretty well (with the love and caring of many). Now, here it is just a little over 2 years later and my cancer has metastasized to bone and I'm now Stage 4.
I'm struggling right now to deal with all of this and I think the hardest component is that lack of control feeling. Yes, there are still people (even dear, close friends) who say seemingly thoughtless things, but I'm trying really hard to cut them some slack. I know they want me better but sometimes just don't know how to relate. I'm not saying it's easy, though.
I hope you get stronger mentally and physically every day. And, don't stress too much about the job--most kids are very honest and their feelings are pure. Not only will they rally around you and give you support, they may even bring tears to your eyes for being so wonderful.
Take good care, sweetie. We all care about you.
Hugs, Renee
Hi, Renee,
Thank you so much for sharing with me and providing me with strength and wisdom as you battle stage 4 cancer. It sounds like this will be a difficult road for all of us, but I find comfort in knowing that we have this site to care for and reach out to each other.
God bless,and take care of yourself,
Dorene0 -
"til death do us partdisneyfan2008 said:thinking of you....
Denise
thinking of you....
Denise
Just need to comment on the ex-husband thing. My first husband (divorced 41 years ago) about fell apart when I was sick. I was not alone. I have a husband of 36 years who took very good care of me, but husband #1 was very concerned and his concern was rather endearing. Because it's been a lifetime since we've been married, there are no anamosities remaining and he kept informed thru husband #2 mostly. But it was sweet.
A very dear friend is on a rough road with a rare type of uterine cancer. She has been separted from her husband for 10 years (just never got around to the divorce thing). Her kids live across the country and her husband has been with her every step of the way. It has been so helpful to her because he's a dermatologist and his understanding of what's going on with her and direction about changing health care providers is worth a lot.
It's interesting to hear about your relationship with your ex and Carol's. Seems like those vows of 'til death do us part actually mean something to many of us, even if time has passed and both have moved on.0 -
Dorene
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with everything right now. I remember when my hair started to come out in clumps during my chemo and i cried too. I am blessed to have my three children in my life. I have been a single mom for twelve years now. My children were there when i decided just to shave my head because i was leaving clumps of hair everywhere. When the shaving was done i busted in tears and they all gave me hugs and told me "Mom you are still beautiful!!" I will never ever forget that. I ended up going to a local wig store and got a beautiful wig for 30.00. I only wore it when i was going somewhere i didnt want to get those "cancer" looks from people. I also bought quite a few head scarfs and a breast cancer hat and wore those too. I myself finally just got used to throwing on that hat most of the time when i went somewhere. As far as your ex husband goes, im also sorry that he is so cold to you. Many people in my life couldnt help me or know how to help me because they didnt know what i was going through not just with loosing my breasts, but with all the other emotions and fear that come along with having breast cancer. Coming to this board and joining a support group for breast cancer helped me. I also gave the opportunity to my children for a group and they did join as well. You need to definately keep positive people in your life to help you through all of this. I will be praying for you and take care. You are a warrior!!
Laura0 -
Another good line.
Sorry you can't get rid of me that easy.0 -
Everything you wrote makesLighthouse_7 said:Hi Dorene,
I hope you're feeling better. The ladies here give such good advise that I just wanted to send good wishes.
Hugs,
Wanda
Everything you wrote makes sense. We've all been there Dorene, so, we do understand. The main thing I guess I would say to you is that YES, you will have bad days like this, BUT, you will also have good days, good days to where you are surrounded with love, hope and great determination for a bright future!
Allow yourself to have down days, it will happen. Just don't let there be too many of them, ok?
We're here for you.
Hugs, Debby0 -
Better dayslolad said:Dorene
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with everything right now. I remember when my hair started to come out in clumps during my chemo and i cried too. I am blessed to have my three children in my life. I have been a single mom for twelve years now. My children were there when i decided just to shave my head because i was leaving clumps of hair everywhere. When the shaving was done i busted in tears and they all gave me hugs and told me "Mom you are still beautiful!!" I will never ever forget that. I ended up going to a local wig store and got a beautiful wig for 30.00. I only wore it when i was going somewhere i didnt want to get those "cancer" looks from people. I also bought quite a few head scarfs and a breast cancer hat and wore those too. I myself finally just got used to throwing on that hat most of the time when i went somewhere. As far as your ex husband goes, im also sorry that he is so cold to you. Many people in my life couldnt help me or know how to help me because they didnt know what i was going through not just with loosing my breasts, but with all the other emotions and fear that come along with having breast cancer. Coming to this board and joining a support group for breast cancer helped me. I also gave the opportunity to my children for a group and they did join as well. You need to definately keep positive people in your life to help you through all of this. I will be praying for you and take care. You are a warrior!!
Laura
Thanks Laura for helping me get through this. I do feel a lot better! My dad came here to be with me this weekend and all of my friends have surrounded me with love. They will be there for me, even if the ex is not!
Dorene0 -
Glad you feel better Dorene.Jobi said:Better days
Thanks Laura for helping me get through this. I do feel a lot better! My dad came here to be with me this weekend and all of my friends have surrounded me with love. They will be there for me, even if the ex is not!
Dorene
Glad you feel better Dorene. Have a great weekend with your Dad!0 -
Just to let you know DoreneLighthouse_7 said:Hi Dorene,
I hope you're feeling better. The ladies here give such good advise that I just wanted to send good wishes.
Hugs,
Wanda
Just to let you know Dorene that I hope that you are better now and to always know that you can come here to vent, cry and just let us know how you are. We understand and we all support you!
Sue
0 -
How are you Dorene? Did youlaughs_a_lot said:Another good line.
Sorry you can't get rid of me that easy.
How are you Dorene? Did you have a good weekend with your dad?
Hugs, Leeza0 -
How are you Renee?missrenee said:Dorene--you're going to make it through this
because you sound like a true warrior to me. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned a lack of control. That is the thing that is most scary to many of us. I was first diagnosed in Nov. '09 with IDC and 10 positive nodes at Stage 3C. I got through all the surgery and treatments pretty well (with the love and caring of many). Now, here it is just a little over 2 years later and my cancer has metastasized to bone and I'm now Stage 4.
I'm struggling right now to deal with all of this and I think the hardest component is that lack of control feeling. Yes, there are still people (even dear, close friends) who say seemingly thoughtless things, but I'm trying really hard to cut them some slack. I know they want me better but sometimes just don't know how to relate. I'm not saying it's easy, though.
I hope you get stronger mentally and physically every day. And, don't stress too much about the job--most kids are very honest and their feelings are pure. Not only will they rally around you and give you support, they may even bring tears to your eyes for being so wonderful.
Take good care, sweetie. We all care about you.
Hugs, Renee
Hugs,
How are you Renee?
Hugs, Lex0
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