Jan 26, 2012 - 6:10 pm
I don't know what it is but driving home after work every time is so emotional for me. I swear I can feel my moms pressence in my truck and see her little head ( my mom was a very tiny woman 4ft 6 and no she wasn't a midget and I feared for anyone who would ever ask her that LOL ) looking all around our the windows Chattering away. It just kills me. I had to make a deposit at the bank and by the time I got there I was crying. I fought as hard as I could to stop from crying. When in hell does this horrid feeling of overwhelming loss ease up? I know it's just been a little over a month but it's so hard to live up to the promises we make that we will try to move on after they are gone. I've come to the conclusion they now have the easier part. This is freakin misery without her here. I could post every day... I miss her. over and over and it still would not capture my feelings correctly. I want her back.
People say to me that they are amazed at how I've accomplished every thing so quickly. All legal aspects are final and done. Got myself a real good paying job that I could care less about and I fake it through the day smiling on the outside while I feel completely empty on the inside. They just don't get that my identity was completely altered forever on Dec 14th. I can't even explain it to myself. It's like being born again only you are so exhausted and come with so much baggage you don't exactly trust what life may deal you in all of this. Whacky things happen now that make zero sense.
I am dreaming it's time to get up about an hour before the alarm actually goes off. It's so real I'm thinking that I am sleep walking because when the alarm goes off it's like Dejavue. I have no idea what thats about. Don't even know if there is any connection with all of this. I do know that also in the evenings when I'm feeling even 200 times worse then I already do if thats possible one of my moms girlfriends will call out of the blue just to see how I'm doing. I think it's mom just sending someone to check on me or something. I hate this I hate this so much. I keep telling myself it's final. She's not coming back and it's still incomprehensible to me at this point. I still grab the cell to check up on her when I'm busy doing something and have to stop myself. I don't know how people have done this before. This sucks.