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The Long Drive Home

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

I don't know what it is but driving home after work every time is so emotional for me. I swear I can feel my moms pressence in my truck and see her little head ( my mom was a very tiny woman 4ft 6 and no she wasn't a midget and I feared for anyone who would ever ask her that LOL ) looking all around our the windows Chattering away. It just kills me. I had to make a deposit at the bank and by the time I got there I was crying. I fought as hard as I could to stop from crying. When in hell does this horrid feeling of overwhelming loss ease up? I know it's just been a little over a month but it's so hard to live up to the promises we make that we will try to move on after they are gone. I've come to the conclusion they now have the easier part. This is freakin misery without her here. I could post every day... I miss her. over and over and it still would not capture my feelings correctly. I want her back.

People say to me that they are amazed at how I've accomplished every thing so quickly. All legal aspects are final and done. Got myself a real good paying job that I could care less about and I fake it through the day smiling on the outside while I feel completely empty on the inside. They just don't get that my identity was completely altered forever on Dec 14th. I can't even explain it to myself. It's like being born again only you are so exhausted and come with so much baggage you don't exactly trust what life may deal you in all of this. Whacky things happen now that make zero sense.

I am dreaming it's time to get up about an hour before the alarm actually goes off. It's so real I'm thinking that I am sleep walking because when the alarm goes off it's like Dejavue. I have no idea what thats about. Don't even know if there is any connection with all of this. I do know that also in the evenings when I'm feeling even 200 times worse then I already do if thats possible one of my moms girlfriends will call out of the blue just to see how I'm doing. I think it's mom just sending someone to check on me or something. I hate this I hate this so much. I keep telling myself it's final. She's not coming back and it's still incomprehensible to me at this point. I still grab the cell to check up on her when I'm busy doing something and have to stop myself. I don't know how people have done this before. This sucks.

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

It is called "PROCESS"! You are being processed as you go through process. Take one day at a time. I love your honesty. My mom has been gone a year. I am mad at myself because I haven't cried like I want to. I want to scream, but it won't come out. I want my eyes to swell from crying (a little laughter). I am hoping it will help me heal. Some days I am so sad, but no tears. Everything reminds me of my mother. I call her name as well as answer when I think I hear her voice. You are being processed--I think everyone on this cancer site is being processed. You will always have good and bad days, and better days are ahead. Hang in there is what I can offer. I love how real you are...that's good! It will ease little by little.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

You're right. Some times I run too fast from it all in the hope to avoid "the process" I tell every one I'm doing ok so that the same question isn't asked over and over which is always.. "how are you doing?" When those unbeareable moments of emotion happen like driving down the hwy it's a reminder I'm not exactly at the "ok" stage and it's alright if I'm not. Let it happen. Thanks for the words Jackie

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

There must be something about being alone in the car. After my husband's death I would leave work and cry the 20 minute ride home. I had a patient who lost her husband in 9/11. During one of her treatments she just randomly said to me, "It took me a good six months before I stopped crying in the car on the way home from work." It has been a year and a half and the acute sorrow is subsiding. I don't cry as much, I have started to get out more, but there are always those moments...and I think they will always be there. Good luck, stay strong.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I hated driving home to an empty house, especially at night. I am doing much better now, but I still don't like it. Fay

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I lost my husband on November 14, 2011 and I cry daily. I cry big crocodile tears. Everyday is harder than the previous day it seems. I miss him so much. The day he passed I started a journal which I write in daily. Today a took a short nap (since I can't sleep a full night) and dreamt about my husband. He told me that he can hear every word I am saying to him when I talk to him, about him and cry. He told me that he was sorry that he can't respond to me anymore. The dream was short and sweet but it didn't make me feel better. I am still sad. It does suck, I completely agree. I wish that this was all a bad dream and Mark was still here with me. I hate being alone. It took me three weeks after his passing before I could walk into a pharmacy. I cry no matter when and where I drive to or from. I have tears rolling down my cheeks without notice most of the time. People know I am sad and they have accepted it. This is the way I am now and it will be a very long time before that changes. When I am having a bad day I just stay home on my loveseat and cry and talk to my husband. When I am having an okay day I cry my crocodile tears in the am and get what needs to get done in the afternoon. I am not functioning very well but I am getting by on a day to day basis. I miss him so much.

Thanks for letting me vent and I am sorry that you are going through this. It is very difficult!

~Kelly

wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11, NSCLC with mets

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