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I think my husband is going to leave me-im in chemo

tbear17
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2012

Hi all. I'm very lost. Looking for some help. Was diagnosed stage 1 at age 32 in July (just over a month after miscarrying my first child), BRCA pos. Had a double mastectomy, a second renstr. surgery, was fired from my job due to my need for extended leave. Am midway through ACT chemo. My husband of 2 and a half years just told me this thursday that he's not sure if he wants to be married anymore. He has a history of depression and has been having trouble lately. We both see counselors. He said what prompted him telling me was that we needed to make a decision about going on Tamoxifen or not after chemo since we were going to try to conceive first. He said he doesn't know if he wants a child now, and he had to speak up before I made that decision. he said he should go to a counselot, but that he's not sure if our marriage can be saved. Nonetheless, he tells me this on what was supposed to be my due date. He has been decent through treatment, I wouldnt say he's been great. This all came out of the blue, we had been talking about trying again for a baby before my dx, and we bought a house together (closed 2 weeks before my surgery). he waits until now to tell me this?? I honestly think he just doesn't want to deal with me anymore because of the cancer and he's too ashamed to say it. We had some communication issues prior, but nothing major and nothing he ever said he was going to walk away over. I'm so hurt that he would abandon me when I need him most. I am willing to hear what the counselor says tomorrow night, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive or trust him anyways after this huge betrayl. If we didn't have a mortgage hanging over our heads I probably wouldve moved out already. Not to mention, my health insurance is through his job. I am now having to look for work on top of all of this. I'm absolutely crushed. Any support from anyone who's been there is appreciated.

palmyrafan's picture
palmyrafan
Posts: 398
Joined: Mar 2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. Cancer diagnosis, treatment, depression, loss of a baby, buying a house and your marriage is on the fence. Any one of those items ALONE is a major life change and will cause stress and/or depression. And you have all of them? Girlfriend, the fact that you are still upright and chatting speaks volumes about your strength.

Your husband has had his share of loss too. His beautiful wife was diagnosed with cancer, you both lost a baby, you lost your job, you bought a new house and you both are dealing with heavy life issues. Of course he is depressed. Trust me, anyone who is happy 24/7 ain't rowing with both oars in the water.

You can't take responsibility for his actions, comments or how he is thinking or feeling. Only he can do that. And you need to take care of you right now, in the here and present. You need to take anything off your plate that you can. You need to focus on you, your treatment and staying alive and as healthy as possible. You can't do that with major stress factors.

As far as forgiving your husband? That is a personal decision that only you can make. Whatever you decide, you need to make peace so that you can get through the cancer and the treatment. If your husband decides to stick it out with you, great! But if not, you still have to focus on you and getting well.

My husband is my caregiver. I have brain cancer. He should be nominated for Sainthood. I have always given him an "out". That "out" is that whenever a new major issue arises (surgery, radiation, etc.) that he has the right to walk away if he can't do this anymore. He always says "no". He says that I was drafted but he enlisted and he is here to stay. I was diagnosed with brain cancer after 1 year of marriage. His parents tried to get him to leave me because they thought he deserved better. But we decided that we were in the marriage for the right reasons (2nd marriage for both) and that we were going to face the challenges together, and we have. Has it been easy? No. We also had a miscarriage, experiencd multiple moves due to my husband's career and had to change doctors many times. But through it all, we decided that we were all we had.

My husband is often asked how he can do what he does and why he stays with me. His simple answer? LOVE. He loves me. He says that I didn't ask for the cancer and God isn't punishing me because I have done anything wrong. Instead, he tells people that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It is hard, demanding and sometimes thankless work that can sometimes leave the caregiver feeling like a 2nd class citizen.

Please hang in there. You are not alone. Therapy is what has kept us sane throughout this ordeal. We go individually and together and it has truly helped us maintain our sanity and our love and commitment to each other. I try to make sure my husband knows he is the most important person in the world, not just to me, but to everyone. I make sure he has the time he needs to pursue his own interests away from me. That helps keep him sane.

You are and will continue to be in my prayers and I am praying that you both find your way.

Peace and Blessings.
Teresa

mamadawg
Posts: 17
Joined: Jan 2012

I could not agree more with the other reply you have received. I was diagnosed with stage IV cervical cancer in Sept 2010 and was given a prognosis of 6 months if I was lucky. I told my husband of 19 years that he shoukd start to prepare for his life without me. Fortunately for me he did not. He has been wonderful, taking me to all of my treatments and appt. Even when I did notor could not do it myself, he dressed me and physically carried me in. Not that it was easy for him as I have been in the hospital more since that Sept than I have been at home having surgery or trouble from failing kidneys. So he has also had to deal with house issues and our 5 kids on his own more or less. This was a heavy burden on him. /he went through a bad state of depression when. I was first diagnosed and when my trearments made me look nothing like the person I had been. He was placed on a very strong anti depressant and anti anxiety medication and it helped him tremendously. Has this something you and your husband have considered or tried. Perhaps meds will help you out better than just counseling. If you have and he still does not want to be married, then my advice would be to let him go. At this time you are not I a position to be expending needed energy on that situation. You will need every bit to get you through your treatments and recovery. It is okay to be selfish this is your life you are fighting for and he should recognize that and should in fact be the one leading the charge to help see that you succeed.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I, too, am sorry that you have had to deal with so many life changing events all at once. As a caregiver I just can't understand those who don't stand by and support the cancer survivor. I lost my husband after a 6 year battle with colon cancer. I never once considered leaving, but then we had been married for 42 years when he passed. I am constantly amazed, though, by the stories we read here about partners who think of or do leave after a cancer dx. I don't know if knowing you are not alone helps or not, but you aren't. Right now your husband may just be going through a depression or a time of feeling insecure and overwhelmed. Events like losing a baby, cancer dx, etc. often bring people closer or tear them apart. Stress does strange things to people. Counseling is the place to start. What is really behind your husband's thoughts about staying married? Maybe he is just scared of losing you to cancer and doesn't think he can handle that. Counseling will also help you decide if your marriage is worth fighting for. A partner who bails when things get tough may not be what is best for you. That is what you must decide. Take care of yourself now. Fay

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

You have some lovely words of advice on here, really nothing more that I could add, other than I understand. My marriage was falling apart when I was diagnosed and my husband supported me and he didnt have to. I asked him why he did? He said he loved me and he wanted to. I actually didn't care about his answer, only thot he was doing it cause he felt sorry for me, or was hoping for reconcilation. I was so engrossed in myself and scared, reconcilation last thing on my mind. Even with the problems he managed to take time off work, drive me an hour each way to chemo and run get meds and yes keep me on his health insurance. That was the first time I went through chemo for uterine/appendix cancer. I was diagnosed again months ( maybe 4) later with a tumor and he hung in there again, we never worked on our marriage mainly I did not want to, made my mind up he was a butt head and wasn't worth it. He again drove me to Minn to Mayo Clinic for second opinion and back into chemo this time spending more hours watching me go through treatment. I asked him to divorce me this second time, I was tired of watching him give up his life for me, he deserved better he deserved someone to love him the way he wanted, should be. He said no!
So here I am today, 5 months later again and they find cluster of cells in my stomach, and I cried like a baby, wondering why this wont' stay in remission. Before I found out the results of biopsy and what was next step I sat my husband down and told him if he couldn't divorce me go find a woman that could give him love in so many ways, he refused. I was serious and I still am. He said no and wanted to continue being my caregiver. Its hard watching him be a caregiver, the sickness the aches and pains and him getting up and coming to help me wanting to do what he can to make me comfortable. Him going to work exhausted and yes I worked, I had to for me and for my bills. He helped financially when possible but not always was it possible.
My family thanked him dearly for caring for me since I have no family around me, and they hugged him and have put him on a pedestal, as I have. His family well they careless about me and Im sure they feel he should cut his loss's hes 49 and go find a healthy woman.
At this point I feel good and the cyst where my cancer cells is well we are watching at my request, the minute I feel sick I know it'll be back to chemo but while Im doing good, I am staying out and praying for a "miracle" that this cluster does not grow or it can go away wont' hurt me any. My husband has aged since this started, and he's tired, I often give him the encouragement to go away, get away from me, even during chemo, I worked , and I was sick but could care for myself for most part. He never went anywhere, and just today he told me he was tired, I am sure it's getting to him....... I don't put anything on him, he asks me and I tell him the truth. I keep working and considering returning to my second part time time, for me and I need the money. I have undergone some seriously strong chemo treatments and have never given up ..........dont' ever give up, find your heart and think of yourself, never let this beat you, even if you feel others have given up on you, and it has happened to me. I have only a few people left in my life since this started out probably 2 handfuls, and it amounts to 3 wonderful people around me, one includes my husband. I will be going to counseling for me next week. I love my husband for who he is and what he's done, I think before this happened he ruined a good marriage and dont think that will ever be the same again.
Be strong tbear, find you in all this and walk proud......many good prayers to come your way, Brenda

DebbyB's picture
DebbyB
Posts: 67
Joined: Nov 2011

Hey there tbear,

My husband left me the day after my third chemo treatment. I still had a ways to go. All I can say is, its been 9 months now and I survived it. I was left with bills and a house to take care of alone and I am struggling, but it was better to know early on. I had to go to state medical, since mine was with his job, too. I learned that family and friends will be there. We didn't have the best communication prior, either and I never in a million years would have thought he would walk out. You can do this. I am one strong, fierce woman now. I didn't know I had this strength in me. You will find it.

Nerina's picture
Nerina
Posts: 8
Joined: Mar 2012

and feel for so much...but know you will get thru it and come out a stronger soul. My husband (of 8yrs) had bladder cancer 3 years ago and I was there for him 100% and I was diagnosed with Ovarian cnacer last year... I had a huge operation and then chemo. He never came to the treatments, so I had to drive myself there and back ( an hour each way), went to the local bar 4 nights aweek and at the end, after I found some very upsetting sexual type chat he was invovled online..became physical....I left!

I still struggle to deal with it but I'm still here and everyday...mostly..lol...I'm getting stronger.

Huge hugs and remember you're not alone
Blessed be and stay strong
Nerina
xx

ailuj33
Posts: 8
Joined: Aug 2012

I was diagnosed with cancer, may 23rd last year, i got surgery to remove the tumor on May 25th, stay at the hospital for 9 days, i went back home the first week of Jun, a year ago... Jun 22nd me and my husband of 8 years we got into a fight because a non sense, i dont even remember for sure what it was about, so then he told me to get the f.... out of his house, he was going to call the police on me, etc., etc., our daughter 6 years old, she said Daddy if mommy leaves, im leaving with her, he said go right ahead... We move to my sister in law, people at work help me to find an appartment, and help me with money to get everything started, they gave me furniture, so i move in my new appartment on Jun 29th. I started chemo on July and i went through for 12 treatments, with the support of my mom... Now I am working on getting the divorce going, i used to see the old couples at chemo, holding hands, and i was wondering what i did wrong to be by myself, I mean mom was with me, but he was supposed to be there with me, I mean is in sickness and in health.

Anyway now he ask me if i want to go with him to see a  counselor, and i said no.. Is over and done...

Anyway everything happens for a reason, thanks to the cancer i discover that i wasnt happy with him anymore, for a long time before the cancer was diagnosed, I was there because i thought was the best for my daughter,  but i wasnt right. I think the cancer for me was a wake up call.

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