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Can you guys see me???

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 556
Joined: Aug 2011

Feeling a little invisable to my husband lately... he had the embolization a week ago and has been very tired since. I totally understand that but when he is up he doesn't seem to see me and others take priority. I am feeling alone and lonely, missing the man that loved me so much. Last night as I layed in bed I couldn't help but think I haven't seen him since Feb. 1st 2011 (day of diagnoses), I am fighing so hard to keep someone that is already left. He gives his energy and smiles to others and saves his tears and weak moments for me. For better or worse, in sickness and health and I intend to keep that promise but I can't deny how hard it is. I want nothing more than to take care of him but this is killing me. He can go all day without seeing me until he needs his ostomy changed, if I am not right there to change it he acts like I have a lot of nerve to have something else going on. I change it and he is gone again. Did he forget me? I feel ridiculous saying these things but it is the way I feel.

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 556
Joined: Aug 2011

I had originally posted this on the colorectal site but I guess this is the more appropriate board...

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2060
Joined: Oct 2009

Nothing is appropriate or inapproiate in this raging battle.

Take care = Tina

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 556
Joined: Aug 2011

There is nothing appropriate about cancer and what it does to us whether we have it or someone we cherish. I don't want to do this anymore! I want to take my husband back to when we worried about anything other than this dispicalble disease. :(

dianelynn41's picture
dianelynn41
Posts: 71
Joined: Jan 2011

I've been feeling pretty lonely these days. If it's not related to my husband's cancer he doesn't want to hear about it. I have to make all the decisions take care of all household stuff and go to work and see to him. I don't want to sound selfish I know he's going through hell, but I've been right there with him everyday. I've done pretty good at taking care of things he used to do for me, I have to use a wheelchair to get around so I'm limited on some things but I've managed to figure out how to get things done. I don't complain because I don't want him to feel bad because he can't do it right now.

I understand he's just finished chemo and he's wiped out. He's stage 3, no one has told him he's dying, but he's not living. He lays in bed or sits in his recliner. The only time he leaves the house is for a dr appt.

I'm just hoping as the weeks go on he'll feel better and start wanting to participate in our life again.

I just bought a juicer, so I'm hoping that will give him some energy and help him get to feeling better.

Thanks for listening and I totally relate to what you are going through right now.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

There have been a couple of times when Mom became so difficult that I couldn't take it, and we had serious talks. As time went on I began setting my own limits, too. When she was in a certain mood, I'd stay as far away as I could, and she had to be nice to get my attention beyond immediate things like keeping up meds. Share what's on your heart with your husband. Even if you end up losing him (perhaps especially if), he has to do his part to make each day count.

tommycat's picture
tommycat
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

Awww Brenda....I feel for you. Wish you could go back to the days before cancer too!
Here is my hope for you: Someone can come over and stay with your husband and you can go out with a friend who makes you laugh....or lets you cry.
Thinking of you!

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 556
Joined: Aug 2011

We made plans last night to go see a friend in the hospital that is losing her battle with inflammatory breast cancer this morning, then go do some shopping and maybe and maybe some lunch. Apparently before I woke up one if his buddies that also wanted to go visit the friend called and trumped me in the trip to the valley. He got dressed and left to meet his friend so I took my dog for a two mile walk in the slushy snow. I thought that maybe by the time I got back it would all make sense but it still doesn't. I am not sure what he is thinking anymore. I feel so alone now. I don't even want to look at him or talk to him. How can I feel this way about someone I love so much?
Last summer he was accusing me of cheating and of others having interest in me. He was so bad that I withdrew from a lot of people to ease his insecurities. Here I sit by myself wondering how the heck I got here. I can't even cry anymore, I feel like I need to but I can't. I am numb one minute and angry the next. Feeling like I don't exist anymore...

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

Brenda,

He is going thru some life changing times. Hes scared and doesnt know what to do. I get mad at my wife sometimes for spending her good days with other people too. I just try and remember that I love her and she still loves me...I think...LOL

eihtak
Posts: 857
Joined: Oct 2011

You do exist, and you are important. I am in a position of being a cancer patient/caregiver for my husband. I am 8months post treatment for anal cancer ( stage 3 large tumor ) Its been tough and tho I'm doing ok for now I'm not out of the woods yet, and have a lot of side effects I'm dealing with. Talk about being trumped: my husbands multiple myeloma flared up after being on a maintenance chemo program and just last month he received a full bone marrow transplant. We have to stay in a town 3hrs from home for the next 3months to be near HIS hospital and HIS doctors and are on constant watch for rejection issues. I do not wish this on anyone, but everyone seems to have forgoten about my health and all the focus is on my husband....especially by my husband. He never took the time to learn much about my cancer and is relatively unaware of what I am going through. Yet...I have dropped everything to help him, setting up living arrangements, in home treatment, food, finances, and still keeping things in some order at home. I never hear "Thank you" and don't expect I will. I also have given up most of any social life I had for among other reasons his feeling insecure. What a joke....I have anal cancer!!!!! I pray a lot these days and remind myself that in the big picture this is just a very tiny part of the plan. This will be like a spec of dust when all is said and done. Crying helps too...this is probably not how you invisioned your life so a bit of caregiver pity is absolutely acceptable. I will pray for better days for you, keep in touch.

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 556
Joined: Aug 2011

Thanks Everyone,
I hate that I let these things get to me. I just want my husband to stay here with me and be my partner for a long time to come. I sometimes feel angry that he might be leaving me even though I know that if he has the choice he will stay.
Two of his friends lost their battles with cancer (one lung, one breast) in the last month so the reality of this dreadful disease and all it takes from us is right in my face. I am feeling weak and don't want to let my husband know how afraid I am. I feel the need to remain strong and lift him up when ever he needs it. I really need to remember to go to my strength (praying and faith) when I feel this way.
God's blessings to you all.
Brenda

eihtak
Posts: 857
Joined: Oct 2011

Sometimes I feel weak too and feel I need to be strong for my husband also, but I have also learned that he still needs to feel needed. So let him help you with something...ask his opinion on how to do something or to physically do something for you. ( even if its not truely needed ) Don't be afraid, you are not alone in this battle, one way or another I feel your husband will come through and be with you for a long time. My prayers are with you.

QuisoNeo's picture
QuisoNeo
Posts: 18
Joined: Jan 2012

I can totally relate to the question, "Can you see me?" I am caring for my fiance, who was diagnosed with Larygeal cancer in October 2011. The longest three months of my life. He has been in treatment and is almost done. Only 9 days to go of radiation, and two chemos. It would seem that at this point he'd be encouraged and upbeat, but he isn't. More like discouraged, depressed and ready to give up. He has lost so much weight and is struggling to get enough nutrition through his g-tube. I have gone from being the fun, loving, friend/lover/fiance to the enemy. He gets angry at me and I often feel lonely and overwhelmed. And all I'm trying to do is keep him alive and get him well. I live for the days when someone comes over to be with him and I get to go out. Yesterday I called in the "kids" (his grown children) because I couldn't get him out of bed or to treatment or to do his nutrition. I left and took the dogs for a long walk. I have to think about it as like having a fussy baby. You have to take care of them and love them and feed them and remember to take break when you feel unappreciated, tired and overwhelmed. I don't know if this is normal towards the end of treatment or what. I can see you and you are a special person to be doing this very difficult job.

Couchie
Posts: 24
Joined: Nov 2010

I don't know if this will help but I think oftentimes we detach ourselves from the ones we love as a survival mechanism. We become desensitized to their suffering and in a way accept that we've already lost them because their suffering is all so overwhelming and a day may come that we do lose them. Cancer changes people and there was a time that I thought it had changed the person I love to a degree unrecognizable. I did not know if I would ever be able to feel the same way about her. But now that things are starting to settle down and she is safe, it has turned around. The person I love, while they have changed, is still there. I have strong feelings for her again - or at least I allow myself to feel the feelings again.

Often the actual person who is diagnosed is surrounded by people. They have nurses tending to many of their needs, they have old friends come out of the woodwork and everyone asks who they are and the person caring for them takes a back seat to it all. At times, it can feel like the most lonely place in the world.

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