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Frustration

bellaFFL
Posts: 16
Joined: Aug 2011

Well, last time we were at the doctors, we actually got good news. The tumors are shrinking and the natural treatments that we have been trying seem to be improving the symptoms, as well as the progression.

The bad news is that emotionally, I am completely and totally drained. The months of being sick, chemo, losing my hair, and constant mental, physical, and financial stress have made me feel like a little of an empty shell. I so desperately want my life back, and even just the indication that I am getting better finally and that I may beat this thing, instead of serving to encourage me, just made me impatient and more frustrated.

I know it sounds strange, but it's the weirdest feeling. I can't even enjoy this piece of good news. Instead it's made me more frustrated, more impatient, and I don't even want to hear the word "cancer". I just want to forget that this ever happened to me!

Anyone else ever felt this way? Especially after getting good news. I feel guilty for not being happier and for having these feelings.

survivormannc
Posts: 17
Joined: Jan 2012

I think I have felt just about every way you can possibly feel about having cancer. I would say many have felt this way as well. Its a hard thing to deal with and especially when you are still going through it.

No matter how weird or strange you think your feelings may be we all deal with things in our own ways. It just sounds like you have a lot on you and all at one time. But just don't loose sight of the good news and just try focus on that, take things one day at a time. Don't focus on tomorrow until it comes it will only serve to make you feel worse. I feel the same way when I am completely exhausted, everything tends to feel horrible even though the same amount of good is still there.

As for the feelings of guilt, I would venture to guess that you feel bad because you know it could be worse and some people don't get the chance to hear good news. That just means you are a caring person. It doesn't make you a bad person or even hurt your chances of recovery, it makes you human. It takes energy to overcome negative feelings such as guilt and you just have to be patient as you will not feel that way forever. Who knows you may eventually get to be thankful for that experience in your life as I have been. Without cancer I certainly wouldn't be the person that I am today. I will be glad for you that you got good news and congratulations to the daily victories small and large!

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

I am a caregiver and not a survivor, but I do empathize with you. I read your post very carefully and two things stood out. The title, FRUSTRATION, tells a lot. Frustration is a very telling word that actually implys anger. And the other statements are: " I so desperately want my life back" and " I don't even want to hear the word "cancer". I just want to forget that this ever happened to me!" All of this says to me, you are angry, that you even had to go through all this to hear the "good news". It is not good news that you had to endure countless tests and numerous poking and proding and assaults on your body to come back to be not the person you once were. {The person with a full head of beautiful feminine hair and strength to do and be all you wanted to be.} But, alas, you are a new person, a person with a wealth of knowledge and experience that will help you survive this annd many other assaults that life sends your way. Get rid of this anger, because it is negative and anti health. Even if you have to go out in the woods and scream at the top of your lungs about all the things that you think were unfair about this whole experience. Scream till you can't scream anymore. And then begin to enjoy your new life free from anger and the stress that comes with it. It is this anger and stress, that has drained you, too. Let the peacefullness and calm that follows, carry you through. And pamper yourself a bit. Pat yourself on the back for getting through something thhat not everyone survives. You deserve it.

ellenm4's picture
ellenm4
Posts: 124
Joined: Dec 2011

I feel your pain. I was dx with breast cancer 2008 and was dancing with NED until 8/2011 when they thought it was back but in my left lung. WRONG!!!! Breast cancer was not back but instead I now have a secondary cancer called LUNG cancer. Wow I felt like someone hit me with a baseball bat! Have not even recovered financialy or emotionally from the breast cancer and now I am starting a new journey. Believe I want my life back as well. I have not been able to clean my house for the past 3 months, have had 2 surgeries and about to have another on in a few weeks. I really at times do not even know the woman in the mirror looking back at me. But I know deep in my heart as much as I want to give up or try to forget it all...I know that I have 2 wonderful little grandson's that love their nana greatly. When they come over, they hold my hand and tell me they pray for me because God knows that they need me. I cry the rest of that day. Out of the mouths of babes! They are my strength, they keep me going and I cherish them so much. Hang in there....and congrats on the good news! Nobody said this journey would be easy, but for some reason a few chosen ones must travel through this journey and as we do so we do become a stronger more loving person, because we now look at the world a little different! You are in my prayers.

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