Jan 02, 2012 - 3:47 pm
I am the primary care giver to my mom who has stage 3 throat cancer. She has done amazing through this whole thing with 6 chemo days and 30 radiation treatments. We have only 3 more to go now .
I had a bad day. My mother's been emotionally challenging for me since this whole thing began. She has terrible mood swings. She really uses me to vent on and as her daughter I sometimes find it hard to listen to. She won't give me an inch sometimes. She refused the feeding tube and does not keep up her end of taking the liquid diet supplements so she is always mal nourished. She won't take her temperature regularly like she is supposed to and she won't come and live with me so I can be a full time care giver. My days are spent driving back and fourth to the hospital which is a 2 hour trip both ways and then doing all her messages and cleaning and getting her settled in her place. I sometimes only arrive home after 8 pm where i then have to deal with my own children and house.
I have really tried to handle things in stride. I remind myself I am healthy and have no reason to complain but sometimes I feel like I am being stretched in so many directions I can't keep up.
Today, I felt like my plate was full. My mother began to complain about all the treatments and how horrible she is treated and how this might not even be worth it as there are no garantees this will even work ( even though the doctors say she is responding wonderfully) I guess I spoke to her in a way that was tougher then usual. I did not mean to. My goal was just to try to pull her mind out of the gutter , she is at the end of treatment that is going well. I just tried to be tougher in a gentle way tell her to take baby steps and not to focus on all the little things but just her health and the rest can be worked out later.
She told me I was being horrible. I did not intend to. I did not even think or realize i was. I apologized. But later found out she made calls upon her arrival to her siblings telling them how much she loved them all and cried on the phone. that made me feel even worse then I already did.
None of these people she called and cried to even help me. I do it all alone all the time and have been for 6 weeks. These last two have been two of the hardest of my life. I just don't know how to get her mind focused on the finish line here. I want so bad for her not to sit and dwell in all the things she can't solve right now and just focus on the health.
She's a stubborn wonderful lady. I just don't know how to handle the moods she goes through. I have been taking it all in. I feel like I have been a zombie since the day she told me she has cancer. I sit in the waiting room while she is having radiation and I feel like the world is going super fast except for me. I am in slow motion.
This has been so hard. Balancing her, my own sadness , my kids and my work . I feel so pulled apart.