Jan 02, 2012 - 3:15 pm
It’s been a while once more. I seem to drift off into a world where none of this exists from time to time. Or at least try.
I’ve read a few posts here now saying that the holidays were hard.. As you read of peoples resolutions and plans for their future with their family, it sinks in that, I have no idea what is going to happen, nor can I plan on certain things. The way our life turns out this new year relies on MRI’s and appointments.
The upcoming MRI on the 10th rings in my head with an unpleasant sound and bright red bold letters. My stomach in knots at the thought of what’s to come is now constant. I’m anxious to know, to see, to hear but at the same time wish I never knew a thing. We are all thinking the same thing, every friend, every family member, you can see it without saying a word, and not a word has been said.
The amount of gifts and cards for him received from others this year was overwhelming and it hurts to know why. Every extra present under that tree in comparison to last year, was a reminder. A gloomy cloud … It defiantly did not feel like Christmas.
I had read on here once “trying not to mourn her while she’s alive” How true and hard this is. From time to time I will open my eyes and look at him as he’s lying in bed and think that one day, a day that he will still be to young, a day that I will still be too young.. a day none of us want to think of… I might open my eyes and look over, to see an empty spot in that bed. What if this MRI informs me this day will come sooner than later? How selfish is it for me to think “what am I going to do then” …. I feel so selfish sometimes.
This is going to be our first follow up MRI. I read many times that these are nerve racking… never did I really know. Asking for lots of thoughts and prayers that our news is good news. Wishing I had a way to fix it all for him …… trying my hardest to hand it over to god, but what if gods plan isn’t what I’m hoping for …………..