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My precious mom died Dec 14th of pancreatic cancer. I can't beleive.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

After 9 months of enduring complete hell she's gone. I'm gutted. I was her care provider through all of this and can't believe she's really truly gone. The end was not angelic as promised by her spiritual advisor. Instead it was heartbreaking. Her little frail body simply didn't want to die in spite of it all. She lingered for a while and I pray there was no pain. She was my best friend. My confidant. My anchor. I cannot describe how unbearable this feels. I honestly thought last night of just ending it myself as the void is haunting and the reality sets in that I'll never see or hear her again. It sounds silly but I'm officially an orphaned adult. In my mid 40's. My dad and brother are gone. She was all I had left. She is the only one I truly ever allowed to see me at every angle with no judgement but only a mothers love. We could laugh for hours. Play games and watch TV just enjoying each others company. It's all gone now. I watched this precious little woman be tortured for almost a year. I don't get it. I don't understand how a God of love could allow this. I want her back. I want this to be a nightmare. My life has flipped upside down. I've been walking in a haze just dealing with her daily care to make sure all her needs were met with comfort being number one. Now she's really gone. It's like the final thud. I'll miss her forever on a level that I'm still not sure I can deal with just yet.

shannonbobannon's picture
shannonbobannon
Posts: 24
Joined: Dec 2011

I know that this must be tough for you. My father was diagnosed with cancer in April of this year and I've been with him through the whole thing. I remember sitting with him in the hospital for countless hours on countless nights while he was there just so the doctors could ease his pain just a little bit. He's home now and still in a bit of pain but nothing like it used to be. The hardest thing was watching him have a feeding tube put in and watching him after chemo because it makes him so sick. I'm sure your mother had a wonderful life with you despite this horrible horrible disease. You have to stay strong and remember the good times, because she wouldn't want you to be sad. She's in a better place and she's no longer in pain. God had a plan for it all and he decided it was her time to go so that she didn't hurt anymore. You can get through this and if you need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me.b This last year with my dad has been hell because I have to watch him get sick all the time and that's not the dad that I knew at one point. You just have to remember that you have to stay strong because she wouldn't want to see you like that and she is still always going to be with you in spirit.

Keep your head held high,
Shannon

djs123
Posts: 102
Joined: Jan 2012

I am so sorry about your mom.. I understand the orphan feeling. I'm in my 50's and also lost my mother two years ago and my father and brother prior to that. I sort of feel like a boat without an anchor. It may sound crazy, but regardless of the relationship whether it was fabulous or volatile, there is nothing that replaces a mothers love. It will always be a missing when it's gone.

I don't want to give you platitudes, but it sounds like you were very blessed. You had a wonderful relationship with your mother and not everyone can claim that. I feel your pain, and although you will never stop missing her, you will learn to live with the loss. On some level, she is with you, just like the rest of the family is. At quiet times, close your eyes and think of her, you may find she's with you.

God bless and remember, just take each day one at a time. I'm so sorry. My prayers are with you.
d

rainy11's picture
rainy11
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2011

My heart broke when I read your post. I just lost my father in March of this year and now my husband is fighting for his life. He has stage 4 stomach cancer and I am his care giver. Trust me when I say that your mother would NOT want you to be so sad. She would want you to remember the great times you had with her. I am a mother and I hate it when my children are sad. Give yourself time to grieve. Cry hard and long. With time your sadness will deminish and you will be left with memories of love and togetherness. I will pray for your sadness to melt into remembering what a wonderful mother she was and how much you loved each other. I find when I think of the fun times and laugh, my sadness goes away for awhile. Talk with someone if you feel like hurting yourself, there are alot of people out there that can help you. I will be praying for you!!!

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. It's rough and it certainly casts a pall around the holidays. I lost my beloved mother in June 09 four mos. into "Treatment" Maybe it's sour grapes, but there are times when I thank God she didn't linger.. wasn't in treatment for mos and mos and years and years. I won't lie, it's rough. I still have my dark moments where I want to just curl up and cry, shut myself away from the world. An overwhelming sense of loss wahes over me sometimes.. at work, at the store.. at home.. It does get a little easier, a little better with time. Let yourself grieve, there's no timetable here. You're not being timed for a test.. Cry, scream throw things. A support group might help. Sometimes hospice can refer you or your GP. I am basically a very shy person, this forum is my support group.. and my family and friends.. Keep moving and breathing and it may seem like you're just going thru the motions.. but eventually the pain will lessen. I was mixing up a batch of sugar cookies tonight (baking always makes me think of my mom, she was a fabulous baker and cook) .. and I remembered when she was officially diagnosed saying to my sisters and I, "now if something happens to me, I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to cry" We looked at her like she was crazy. Mom we'll be devastated we said... she'd get so mad.. she ball her little fists up... she so didn't want us to feel any pain at her loss.
Big hugs and prayers for you at this difficult time.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Thank you for the kind words of support. It's now been just one week and two days. I've quickly learned how to "fake it" in public by appearing very put together when someone offers sympathy or empathy. There is no way I'm going to lose it in front of anyone. I'm more inclined to console them for their sad feelings. It's a bit ironic I guess but it keeps me in protective mode as to my own emotions.

I never really thought the word "unbearable" truly applied to anyone in life. Although things are hard some how we deal and move fwd. At least thats what I grew up believing given the unique life I've lived where daily challenges were at times pretty hard. However, I've finally learned that the word "unbearable" does exist in the form of loss.

I find this loss so unbearable it actually takes great strength to get past those waves of emotion that hit out of nowhere. I've woke up twice now feeling as if I'm going to vomit and my heart is racing. I know they are panic attacks so I just take a deep breath and endure until they pass. Great way to start the day.

I can't linger in those feelings too long because it really is overwhelming to embrace how final her death is. On the flip side there are moments I almost feel manic when I find something to occupy my mind. Suddenly it feels as if life is ok when I'm busy and I'm racing as fast as I can away from the pain towards whatever task I've created for myself to keep my mind busy. For some odd reason I actually found positive energy in doing a ton of yardwork whereas most would hate the process. The sad part was that privately I was dreading when the yard was complete as it meant my mind and body would have to aknowledge all that anguish again.

I met with my mothers hospice social worker on Wed ( a week after moms death ) and asked her if my emotions suggested I was going nuts. She laughed but with great sympathy and said absolutely not. I admitted my complete disgust with God and how at least for now I can't see forgiving him for what he allowed to happen to my mother. Plain and simple he allowed her to be tortured slowly. I just can't forgive him for that and I feel definite about that feeling. I'm definite at this point that somehow he must ask my forgiveness for being way too occupied in wanting to be loved and adored while my mother was suffering. Even in his sons death he got to see him after that death and the pay off was equal worship so I can't see how he'd ever understand my loss that he allowed. Trust me I've thought this out in depth. I was told this feeling is very normal as well. I'm glad these feeligns are normal because I feel forced by God to hate him for this and it's confusing.

As Christmas approach's very quickly at first I had zero desire to be a part of it all but have now rationalized the most healthiest choice is to take a friend up on their offer to stop by their home on Christmas Eve for a bit to share some time together but with the promise that no one suddenly stops their fun and starts speaking softly around me and starts acting as if they don't know what to say to me so the conversation is empty. I do know my mom would not want me sitting at home all alone mourning her and longing for our usual Christmas traditions.

This next week is going to be hard. I've held off the funeral til after the 1st per moms request should she pass before the holidays ended. So many talks about her life and deciding what should and should not be said during her service along with selections of her favorite music and putting together a pictorial. I've hated the thought of doing this but know I can. Opening up and reading each sympathy card is so hard as people seem to have found the perfect comments to describe mom. She was an inspiration to the entire community. It's very touching to hear all the kind things. I hope her service will be exactly the celebration they all need to deal with their feelings of loss.

I'll also be finalizing all the paperwork on things legally. After the first I am going to begin attending a berevement group offered through hospice and see how that goes and putting my own personal life back together day by day. I long to hear her voice and see her smiling face. I'm never going to get over this loss but hopefully there will be an ease in the anguish as the time goes by. I can still hear her after I'd say.. "I love you mom" and her response was always... " I love you more " I hope she's watching me closely and maybe just maybe once in a while through a light breeze or something she could make her pressence known. Again thank you all for the very kind comments. They really do help.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

you're going to be fine, for what it's worth. I think the bereavement group is an excellent idea. And just so you, I too am angry with God... I don't like his "plan" not one damn bit.. I so understand.. it may not be logical or sound but it's how I feel...
I've learned to let go of my anger, bit by bit.. but honestly, in the beginning, my anger was a survival tool. It got me thru .. shock and anger... but in the long run, letting it go is best and healthiest... little by little... I'm even finding myself a little less angry with God these day.
big Hugs,
Cindy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1621
Joined: Aug 2009

Just sorry. Words can't help, but knowing you are not alone might. Prayers and hugs, Fay

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