Dec 19, 2011 - 12:28 am
After 9 months of enduring complete hell she's gone. I'm gutted. I was her care provider through all of this and can't believe she's really truly gone. The end was not angelic as promised by her spiritual advisor. Instead it was heartbreaking. Her little frail body simply didn't want to die in spite of it all. She lingered for a while and I pray there was no pain. She was my best friend. My confidant. My anchor. I cannot describe how unbearable this feels. I honestly thought last night of just ending it myself as the void is haunting and the reality sets in that I'll never see or hear her again. It sounds silly but I'm officially an orphaned adult. In my mid 40's. My dad and brother are gone. She was all I had left. She is the only one I truly ever allowed to see me at every angle with no judgement but only a mothers love. We could laugh for hours. Play games and watch TV just enjoying each others company. It's all gone now. I watched this precious little woman be tortured for almost a year. I don't get it. I don't understand how a God of love could allow this. I want her back. I want this to be a nightmare. My life has flipped upside down. I've been walking in a haze just dealing with her daily care to make sure all her needs were met with comfort being number one. Now she's really gone. It's like the final thud. I'll miss her forever on a level that I'm still not sure I can deal with just yet.