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Mom diagnosed in June passed in September

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

I visited this site in July of this year. In everything I read on here I realised all the fancy words and descriptions would not help me. What did help me was the honesty. I appreciate those of you who were honest when I asked what should I expect with a Stage IV diagnosis. I tried so hard to have hope and faith that she would make it out just fine and that she could beat the odds and live for years to come. The sad cold hard truth was it was too far gone. There was nothing anyone could do, not a doctor, family member, Priest, Nun. So I prayed. Some days I would pray for a surgery to go well, others for my mom to be well enough for me to take her out side to see the sunshine. Some days I would pray for strength. In her last hours I would pray for the unthinkable...death. It is a horrible thing to watch your mother at the young age of 51 die but this cancer is an angry devil. So I prayed for GOD to please end her pain and to accept her into Heaven. That was the only prayer answered. Mom passed away on September 11, 2011.
If you are reading this and are thinking how long do I have? Only GOD knows. No doctor or family member can tell you. I lost my uncle and my mother one month apart from this disease and neither lasted very long after diagnosis. Spend as much time as you can with them. Take a leave from work, spend your rainy day fund and just be with them. You dont have forever you may not even have tomorrow and that is the absolute truth.

Proactive Daughter's picture
Proactive Daughter
Posts: 55
Joined: Dec 2011

She was so young. So sad. Very sorry for your loss. Cancer sure is a terrible thing.

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

Yes she was very young. Thank you and yes Cancer is a Terrible thing.

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

I'm so sorry that you had to come here for the honesty that you found. I'm so sorry that the grim honesty became a part of your world. I'm so sorry most of all for the loss of your mom. And at such a young age. She was only 2 years older than me, and I'm nowhere near ready to go...

Thank you for stopping back to let us know. I hope you have found peace knowing that your mom no longer has pain. I'm certain that you and your little one have a most watchful angel looking over you now.

Love & Hugs to you!

Terry
wife to Nick, age 48
dx Stage 3, T3N1M0 05/19/11
THE 09/08/11
Clean Path 09/13/11

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

You are very sweet Terry. I read your profile. How is your husband doing? Being a Caregiver is the hardest job. But I tell you one day my mother was sitting at the table and wanted more milk for her cereal because, it wouldnt taste good without lots of milk and I grumbled at her pickyness.....but I got it for her. It was one of the last things she was able to eat before she no longer could get anything down. So im glad it was as enjoyable as it could be. But again what a tough job it is to always be the strong one and the one in the know....God bless you. Your a wonderfull person.

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

It *is* very tough to be the one in the know. And damned hard some days to keep smiling when the world is crumbling around you. I know you know that!

I wish I could have crawled into the hole that Nick put himself in while going through treatment. He ducked his head down, closed his eyes, and followed along with doc's orders. Scared, but as close to ignorant as he could remain. Me? I learned as much as I could, cried as I drove to work, but smiled the minute I got home. And you're right - I found joy in getting foods that Nick found appealing while he went through treatment. It was good to be able to find things that helped him smile through the pain.

Nick is three months past surgery now. He's doing great! Still struggling with the challenges presented by his new stomach and its unique demands, but he's here to struggle. And that's all good! Smiles are real now, and that's nice.

But I don't know that I will ever (could ever) feel as safe about having years together as I did before diagnosis. There is something wonderful about the ignorance (innocence?) of life before cancer. Still....

Life is good!

Love & Hugs to you!

Terry

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

Well I will tell you what I used to tell my mother. Anyone of us could die in a car crash tomorrow. So Cancer or no Cancer we should all appreciate the ones we love and have in our lives. Dont let the fear get you down. I know thats so easy for an outsider to say.
I do understand and I still have those car rides to work where I cry the whole way there and sometimes the whole way back and its been 3 months since my mom lost her battle with Cancer.

It is Wonderfull news that your husband is 3 months past surgery and doing Great. Keep up the good work and stay strong my friend.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

-Mandy

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

You are NO outsider, Mandy! You've been down this path and have different experiences than I do. and you are so right! I've often said that a bus could come along with my name on it at any time. I know there aren't guarantees, but I sure did feel "safer" before cancer.

Not sure what came over me :) I'm typically pretty upbeat. I think your mom's age really touched me. 51 is too young to lose to cancer! 51 is too close to my age....

We ARE good here. We do recognize how blessed we are to be in such a good place only 4 months after surgery. And we look forward to each new day - with newfound respect for God and all his create with each new sunrise.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to you as well. Have a great time playing Santa for your little one. Santa is still special here and that makes Christmas great fun! :)

Terry

jgwright's picture
jgwright
Posts: 252
Joined: Oct 2011

Yes, 51 is WAY too young. But I had one person say to me, "Well, at least you made it to 65..." What???? We are saddened for you, but sadness shared is sadness halved, and joy shared is joy doubled. Never forget we are all here for each other, and brothers and sisters in the fight against the beast.

--Jerry

sandy1943's picture
sandy1943
Posts: 883
Joined: Jun 2010

Our caregivers can not get enough praise. Either my husband or daughter was with me constantly. I know it was very difficult for them at times and they would have to get away. I thank God my daughter could be there to releave her dad when needed. I had been a caregiver for my mother, so I tried to understand when one of them would act a little ill. They loved me and only wanted what was best for me. God has special blessings for those that give themselves so selflessly. You are all so special.
Sandra

JaneO's picture
JaneO
Posts: 42
Joined: Dec 2011

I agree that only God knows when it is time. I lost my father in February of this year. I was his caretaker for 13 years. Although he did not have cancer, he had many chronic conditions that he could not overcome. He was in alot of pain and I prayed he would not suffer long. He was able to go peacefully at home. Five months later I was blindsided by my boyfriend's diagnosis in July 2011 with Stage IV a week after his 51st birthday. I am heartbroken. I pray everyday for strength for the both of us. I think the holidays are the toughest. Both my parents are now gone and I am struggling with remaining positive for Jack. I appreciate every minute I have with him. We will definately make the most of time we have together.
Prayers and love to you and your family
Jane

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

How thoughtful of you to come and share your thoughts and feelings after losing your mom. It was fast from diagnosis to the end and she was way too young to go. How hard it must be on you.

Sending you my hugs and warm wishes. You and everyone on this forum are in my prayers.

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

Thank you all for your words and prayers. Myself and my boyfriend are both what we like to call Orphans. Both of us are Only children have lost both our parents 3 to Cancer and one to a Heart attack. It is not easy opening up all those Christmas boxes 90% of it was inherited from our parents and it takes us a long time to decide what to put out and we just look at everything one by one. It really makes the holidays so much different than it once was. People really forgot about that this year with us and it seems as though people we know just dont understand, I dont really feel like that Holiday party or those Holiday drinks but we go and get through it. And the thought of Marriage now is kind of pointless, a wedding is to share with those you love, but we dont any of those people left. Not looking for a pitty party but I just came back from Christmas shopping and I seen so many angry shoppers and heard many selfish conversations along those mall hallways....I just wish people could appreciate the people more than the presents. Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year!

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

Mandy,

Don't sell your friends or extended family short! I'm certain that you and your BF have many friends that would be delighted to celebrate your wedding.

Believe me, there are many here that would *jump* at the chance to have something to cheer about. We LOVE good news!

Hugs to you,

Terry

unclaw2002's picture
unclaw2002
Posts: 664
Joined: Jan 2010

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my dad to EC this year and we will be celebrating our first Christmas without him. It is difficult because he was always so happy at the holidays, and would decorate the house inside and out - dragging everything out of the attic and fill the house up with flowers and his homemade eggnog we all anticipated every year. Although I am sad that he isn't here with us this year it was his wish that we carry on all the traditions he so loved and in his honor we will all gather together and make his homemade eggnog, although I'm sure it can't possibly be as good as his and make a toast to all the wonderful years we were blessed to have him with us. In fact before he passed away he asked me to send my mom Christmas flowers from him as was another of his traditions.

My heart broke when I read that you feel marriage is pointless because you don't have those people around anymore who love you --- but I believe that your mom is looking down on you from heaven and smiling to see you happy and in love. Perhaps it is too early to think of celebrations and we all grieve in our own time so hopefully each day it will get a little better. For me it is a little better I still cry when I have certain thoughts, but now I can smile at some of those thoughts and have more gratitude for the time I had with my dad. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year also.

Best,
Cindy

JaneO's picture
JaneO
Posts: 42
Joined: Dec 2011

I often feel the same as you around this holiday season. I know am an "orphan" too. My father passed away in Feb 2011. My family was small to begin with, but without your parents there it seems sureal. I hold on to the memories when I decorate the tree or put up the decorations, remembering things that happened in the past. My bf Jack has Stage IV and I am trying to make every moment last.

We definately need some cheering up around here! I bet there alot of us that would LOVE to come to your wedding!! Watch out, you could have a huge reception with all of your friends from here!!

ritawaite13's picture
ritawaite13
Posts: 249
Joined: Aug 2011

I just wanted to tell you that I am very sorry for your loss. This awful disease knows absolutely no boundaries, age or otherwise. I certainly understand what you're saying about the holidays. I lost my husband to EC in October of this year just 15 weeks after being diagnosed with stage IV and I have no interest in the festivites of Christmas at all. Of course, I will celebrate the birth of Christ but as far as parties and decorations go, I just can't do it this year. Personally, I'm anxiously awaiting January 2nd and knowing I've survived. I'm sure you were a wonderful caretaker for your mom and she was blessed to have you. I pray that good memories will bring you peace.
Hugs
Rita

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

Ahhh marriage is for you and your chosen one! It's special to your two hearts. I'm sure everyone here will be happy and joyful and celebrate with you! Your loved ones who have left this world will rejoice as well!

Remember, there is life to live and joy to be had through your sorrow.

Let's hear it for some wedding bells!

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

lol, I didnt expect all the attention over a possible wedding. I just threw that in there because I was thinking it. Of course a marriage is for you and that other special person. I just meant the wedding part, there would be no one there but us our kids and a couple friends. So we probably wont have one. Just elope or a destination. Not that we can afford that right now. But its a nice thought for the future. Most of all after all this we really just need a vacation. After this happened I went right back to work. As do most, you get a week off and then show time, back to the grind. Thank you for your words. You are all so thoughtfull.
Merry Christmas to all!

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