Okay 4 weeks and 2 days I must being doing something right because I am still somewhat functional. Everyone wants me to talk to cry and so on. Oh I do. Two days ago I go to wal mart for groceries 7am not many people to deal with. Some poor man says to me Smile it Christmas and Santa is watching. I looked at my cart and all I have are tv dinners pot pies things you nuke and eat in minutes. I started shopping single and did not even realize it. I stood there and started crying, I just couldn't not cry. But that poor man doesn't try cheering anyone else up for a while.
Now other thoughts that bug me. Everyone tells me Butch is in a better place no more pain seeing all those who passed before. Catching up with loved ones. I don't want Butch suffering and ill, but I want to know he misses me and thinks of me all the time.
I know He loves me because I was spoiled rotten by him. That I freely admit, as I told some lady one day when he said I was spoiled and I agreed, I know what side my bread was buttered on and he always included the pb&j.
Why didn't I see how sick he was . Why didn't he pound it in my head how beat he felt. He always took care of me when I was sick , was he worried I wouldn't be there for him. One Friday he told me if I can't walk by Monday you put me in a home and walk away. I was furious with him, did he think that little of me. The following Monday he said he was tired and wanted to take a break from treatment but was worried I would be disappointed in him. I told him that he couldn't disappoint me , I felt sorry for the rest of the world because in 15 years I had more love and fun than most would have in a lifetime.Tuesday he said call ccr and ask them to get me help in the house. Wensday he no longer knew me . Thursday he spit pills at me and accused me of trying to kill him . Friday he died . We knew this could happen, but how did we go from taking a break and actually admitting he needed something for pain ,snuggling together in bed to not knowing me and dying in 5 days.
Sorry I just needed to vent a bit.