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Does he remeber me?

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

Okay 4 weeks and 2 days I must being doing something right because I am still somewhat functional. Everyone wants me to talk to cry and so on. Oh I do. Two days ago I go to wal mart for groceries 7am not many people to deal with. Some poor man says to me Smile it Christmas and Santa is watching. I looked at my cart and all I have are tv dinners pot pies things you nuke and eat in minutes. I started shopping single and did not even realize it. I stood there and started crying, I just couldn't not cry. But that poor man doesn't try cheering anyone else up for a while.
Now other thoughts that bug me. Everyone tells me Butch is in a better place no more pain seeing all those who passed before. Catching up with loved ones. I don't want Butch suffering and ill, but I want to know he misses me and thinks of me all the time.
I know He loves me because I was spoiled rotten by him. That I freely admit, as I told some lady one day when he said I was spoiled and I agreed, I know what side my bread was buttered on and he always included the pb&j.
Why didn't I see how sick he was . Why didn't he pound it in my head how beat he felt. He always took care of me when I was sick , was he worried I wouldn't be there for him. One Friday he told me if I can't walk by Monday you put me in a home and walk away. I was furious with him, did he think that little of me. The following Monday he said he was tired and wanted to take a break from treatment but was worried I would be disappointed in him. I told him that he couldn't disappoint me , I felt sorry for the rest of the world because in 15 years I had more love and fun than most would have in a lifetime.Tuesday he said call ccr and ask them to get me help in the house. Wensday he no longer knew me . Thursday he spit pills at me and accused me of trying to kill him . Friday he died . We knew this could happen, but how did we go from taking a break and actually admitting he needed something for pain ,snuggling together in bed to not knowing me and dying in 5 days.
Sorry I just needed to vent a bit.

Auntie LeeLee
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2011

After my Aunts death I found an excellent book to read it's called "Don't take my grief from me". I loved it, I skipped parts that didn't have anything to do with my but it went right to the heart of it. Please look it up and read this.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I did some crying in the grocery store, too. Isn't it strange the things that will set us off? I had a hard time dealing with the word widow the first time I had to check that box. It was several weeks after I lost Doug, and I hadn't thought of myself as a widow until that moment. I have stopped telling people that the death of a loved one is a blessing because they are no longer in pain, I have taken the phrase" in a better place" totally out of my vocabulary. It may be true, but I felt he was in a fine place already. Granted I didn't want him in pain, but I still wanted him here. Death didn't seem like the better alternative to me. I know losing my spouse has made me a more compassionate and better person, but I thought I was just fine before. I didn't need this character building experience, thank you very much. I remember strangers asking me how I was and answering fine. Just fine? some would ask . Yes, just fine I would snarl. Yes, strange things set us off. Some things make us cry. Others make us mad. Still others probably do make us better people. Christmas will be hard. Lots of things will be hard. Don't apologies for crying or venting or whatever. Take care, Fay

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

My Don died Oct 5th of this year. Magadee I understand your loss. Mine too was way to fast. We were in the hospital trying to decide when to go home. Finally on the Oct 3rd we left the hospital in the evening. Were suppose to have 2-3 months. He lasted 30 hours, of which I had about 12 that he was talking to me. I don't understand why I didn't know he was dying. Why I didn't hold him the entire time that last night? Why I didn't fix him something better to eat the last time he asked for food? Why I didn't tell him how much I loved him? Why I didn't ask him if he was afraid? We were together 30 years and had a relationship everyone wanted. We were each others best friends. I don't have close friends because we were together all the time when we weren't at work. Now I feel like half a person. How do you change who you are when half of you dies? I miss him so much. I'm sick of being a work with a happy face and people telling me how amazed they are that I'm "doing so great!" Tonight I drove and cried and hollered and fumed. Why did this have to happen????? Thanks for letting me join the venting...

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

thats the phrase how do I become Maggie again when I don't want to be just Maggie? How is it others don't see that I am only half here anymore , it must be visible. There is abig hole in me. Do you dream about Don, I keep praying to dream about Butch but I haven't Six monthes ago I had the world now just a dream would mean the world to me.

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5852
Joined: Apr 2009

It’s ok to vent here for we all lost loves ones and some of us are fighting the battle ourselves. Just to let you know, I want what is best for my caregiver wife if and when I pass on. I love her and she is always there for me going out of her way taking care of me; sometimes a little too much, but I love her all the more for it. The cancer and the pain meds does things to us that we don’t understand, I am just so sorry this happened right before he went to sleep. I know everyday the hardship I put on my family and wife being sick and sometimes I want to run away to relieve them of this burden, why because I love them. Yes I know it does not make sense it is just the way we sometimes think. I know Butch loved you and he too like me just wanted to make your life a little easier if possible so it would not be so hard on you when he passed on.

God bless and keep you
Hondo

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

Im sorry you had to go through this. It is hard when they dont know you, I know this all too well! My deepest sympathy to you, I had a hard time at the mall while shopping for Christmas as well. Sometimes you just cant hold back the tears and that is ok. They dont know you or your situation and who cares if they understand or not. Cancer sucks and death sucks even more. Try to make yourself a good meal you might feel a little better.
GOD Bless!!!

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I lost my husband 18 mos ago under much the same circumstances. He went from normal cea and a cear scan to errorless pain, vomiting blood and passing away in 5 days. Every single day I think about whether he remembers me and still loves me. I want to believe it but the truth is I just don't know. What I have begun to learn through is that we'll never get the answer but our lives go on no matter what. And now it's time to take care of us. He loved you and always will.

Stay strong

HUGS

Kathy

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I lost my husband 18 mos ago under much the same circumstances. He went from normal cea and a cear scan to errorless pain, vomiting blood and passing away in 5 days. Every single day I think about whether he remembers me and still loves me. I want to believe it but the truth is I just don't know. What I have begun to learn through is that we'll never get the answer but our lives go on no matter what. And now it's time to take care of us. He loved you and always will.

Stay strong

HUGS

Kathy

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I lost my husband 18 mos ago under much the same circumstances. He went from normal cea and a cear scan to errorless pain, vomiting blood and passing away in 5 days. Every single day I think about whether he remembers me and still loves me. I want to believe it but the truth is I just don't know. What I have begun to learn through is that we'll never get the answer but our lives go on no matter what. And now it's time to take care of us. He loved you and always will.

Stay strong

HUGS

Kathy

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