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I was a caregiver and now I am not

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

My Mark died on November 14, 2011 and I miss him terribly. I just finished a powerpoint presentation for his "celebration of life" after the graveside service. I am having awful issues because he is gone. I know I should probably be posting this in the other board but I have been here for so long that I feel as if I know you all.

I am sad, I am a trainwreck, I cared for him til the moment he died. He suffered and it is so imbedded in my mind that I will NEVER forget! I miss him so much and can't stand being with out him. I love you Markie and I wish you didn't leave me!!!! My life will NEVER be the same ever!

Thanks for listening!
~Kelly

Noellesmom
Posts: 1272
Joined: Aug 2010

You belong here, Kelly, because you have invaluable experience to share with others. Please don't stop posting to this site as long as you feel you want to be here.

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you.

Just bunches of hugs, Kelly.

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

My heart breaks for you. I so wish I had words that would help, but I don't. I will say that there are many of us going down the road you have already traveled. I hope that you will help guide us along on our journey.

And I hope that you will continue expressing youself here, because you have been missed by all of us. I also hope you will find some tolorable peace in your life with Mark's loving memories.

Hugs,
Deb

leprechaun2
Posts: 73
Joined: Jul 2011

Kelly,
We love you! And it has been such a sort time that he has been gone. Please give yourself time to miss him. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling, and all you are feeling. The love you and Mark have deserves it.

He is a part of you and he always will be. And all you gave each other will never end either. Of course your life will never be the same.

(((hugs)))

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1260
Joined: Apr 2010

Dear Kelly, I don't you well, but from what I've read of your posts, you were the shining star in Mark's life. And in this season of love and hope, you gave him the ultimate gift dear, your unending love. May you find peace in your heart, for he will always be there.

All my best,

Cynthia

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1971
Joined: Aug 2011

Kelly, you are always welcome here and this is where you should be.
Maybe you can share the powerpoint presentation somehow on this site.
Not sure if that's possible on the expressions page - and of course,
only if you would be comfortable in doing that.

Over time, I hope the dark memories will be replaced with ones full
of light and laughter. I know how difficult it is now. Come here
for comfort and to let it out.

Hugs and hugs and hugs....

Jim

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

About those scenes that are burned in your brain….I cared for my father in his last days (pancreatic cancer) and a few weeks after his death I needed counseling to stop crying. One of the techniques I learned was this: Select a few of your favorite photos of Mark when he was healthy and fun. Spend time with these images until they are newly burned into your brain. Then, when the horror scenes come up, click it, like a mental remote control, to a picture of Mark the way he really was. Practice and you will get it. This technique helped me immensely, and I hope it helps you, too.

You are always at home here. Once a caregiver, always a caregiver.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Now is the time to take care of yourself. Coming here is one way to do that. It doesn't matter which board you post on. This one gets more traffic than the Grief one which helps. Also, you have made friends here who can help as well. Don't hesitate to get help other places, too. Grief groups are good. You may need to see a grief counselor or take meds for awhile. Maybe you just need to give yourself permission to grieve in your own time and way. I have probably told you this before, but time does help. Concentrate on the good memories. I am blessed with a family and friends who don't tiptoe around our memories. We talk about Doug often, and that helps me. Come here or to the other boards as often as you need to do so. I can remember reading and writing here with tears streaming down my face. Crying is good. I usually came several times a day at first. Hang in there. Life as you know it has changed. Take time to adjust. Fay

gillendm
Posts: 2
Joined: Dec 2010

Hello Kelly, I am sorry for your loss of your husband. I feel your pain as I lost my wife Nov 5th. I don't have any idea how you feel because everyone is different but I am also having a hard time coping, and I am sometimes like a space cadet who can't remember why I went into a room.
What is getting me through is taking it day to day and hour to hour just like when we were caregiving. I keep looking at all the good time we had for 36 years, 2 great kids, and our first grandchild who just turned one.
I cared for Mary 6 months daily while she was on hospice at home and I too was at her side when she passed. I keep telling myself that she is no longer in the pain that she was going through and keep looking upwards for her smile.
I miss her constantly and always will.

If you need to talk sometime let me know.

Dan

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

The fog of grief. I found that phrase in a book on grieving after my husband died. I was relieved to know that it wasn't just me. Much of those first few weeks passed in a blurr. I even ran into the side of my garage. To this day, I don't remember anything between when I started the car and I realized I was scraping the corner of the garage. maybe that fog is a way of getting us through, but it sure is frustrating. Fay

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I've learned over the last 6 months that each of us experience life and death through our own perspective. Listen to your heart Kelly... nobody else is walking in your shoes. But some of us have found ways of coping without cracking up. What has kept me going forward? My husband lived his disease/melanoma with courage, hope and love... All in one year's time. Although my heart also has been shattered I have been trying to live my grief as my husband lived in dying. This has not been easy but he inspires me. Cancer is horrible and it's affects strips us bare. I hate what it has done to my life during and after his death. I know that I'm not the only one who feels that way... keep coming back as you need to.

Peace to you and your family.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, May 27th, 2011
mother, May 19th, 2011 (lung cancer)

redesign08.blogspot.com

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

My heart goes out to you. I am praying for your stregnth. I am glad you reached out. I know how it has been since I lost my mother. I miss her so much. I can identify with you to some degree. I think deb said it so well. You have gone through something that many on this board has not, so I pray that you stay and lead the way for us. God bless and comfort you today. Jackie

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kelly,
You've only lost Mark a short time ago. I lost my hubby almost 2 years ago and I'm still grieving. Please go for counseling or meds if you need to. I had counseling for 10 months and was on meds for a little longer. Without them I would've had a breakdown for sure.
Your life will never be the same, but you have to move on. Don't know about you, but I feel like half of myself is gone.
There are so many of us on this site who have gone through this or are going through it, so please come here for support. People who haven't dealt with this don't know what it's like. My own sister expected me to stop crying after 2 weeks and really has never understood what I went through.
Anyhow, we're all here for you. Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kelly,
You've only lost Mark a short time ago. I lost my hubby almost 2 years ago and I'm still grieving. Please go for counseling or meds if you need to. I had counseling for 10 months and was on meds for a little longer. Without them I would've had a breakdown for sure.
Your life will never be the same, but you have to move on. Don't know about you, but I feel like half of myself is gone.
There are so many of us on this site who have gone through this or are going through it, so please come here for support. People who haven't dealt with this don't know what it's like. My own sister expected me to stop crying after 2 weeks and really has never understood what I went through.
Anyhow, we're all here for you. Carole

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Kelly
Thank you for coming here to lean on us. We are always here for you. You know we can all relate to one another. Have you tried grief counseling? Any kind of berevment counseling. Pray, pray, and pray some more. It does not get better, but it does get easier to accept as the days, weeks, months, years go by. My dad will be gone 2 years in March. Keep reaching out. We will see our loved ones again...remember Jesus made the promise, and he always keeps his promises...Believe in me, and you too shall have eternal life. Keep in touch here and on chat. I will be looking for you!
Tina in Va

Zeph317
Posts: 3
Joined: Dec 2011

I was a caregiver and it has been 18 years since my Dad passed away. Although, not my life's partner, I will never forget nor stop loving him. My heart goes out to you. May you find comfort and strength.

I recently was diagnosed with MDS and logged on to the caregivers' board because I feel like such a burden sometimes.

Please know from someone who needs caring now, how important you are to Mark even now. To love with the dedication that you have is priceless. You made all the difference. He wouldn't have made it this far without you.

God bless you. YOu will be in my prayers.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Hi Kelly. You are not alone. I know your pain. After caring for my mom for 9 months I lost her on Dec 14th 2011 to the ravages of Pancreatic Cancer. One month after you lost your beloved Mark.

I am now preparing my moms powerpoint presentation for her celebration of life which will take place after the new year. I can't believe she's really gone. I walked through all of this by her side to her very last breath. The agony I feel I can only keep calling it unbearable. Honestly, I can see those who offer a kind word truly don't understand what has taken place and the intensity of such a loss. The suffering was so bad at the end it's haunting and I hope those images will eventually subside. For 9 months I watched my mom being tortured with a viscious disease. I feel shell shocked I guess that the daily grind of on hands care is suddenly over and now what I have left is recalling what took place frame by frame. I never took time out to evaluate things I just kept going day to day. I honestly don't know how I did it.

When she finally took her last breath my hand was resting on her diaphragm while I held her in my arms. I wanted to make sure if she was still breathing and at that final moment I felt what I can only describe as a small flutter like butterfly wings. It's the only good thing I can embrace for now in those final hours. I am telling myself that was her soul saying goodbye to me.

My heart sincerely aches for you as I know your pain.

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