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Anybody in remission and still feeling BLAH?

Carolyn68
Posts: 39
Joined: Aug 2011

I completed Avastin maintenance Oct 27th. I have bowel issues, but yet feel blah. I don't have to nap everyday, that is better...but just feel down...and sad... Anyone feel this way?

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

Double post

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

Thought I'd just reply to your post. I am not in remission but I do understand sadness. I spend a lot of my time trying to be cheerful and upbeat whenever I am with my friends and family. So often when I am alone I feel sad.

I am sad that this disease has appeared and I have not control over it
I am sad that my 2 children and my Dad have to face and cope with my illness and eventually my premature death
I am sad that I have a 12 week old grandson that I may not see grow up
I am sad that I found my soul mate 3 years ago and he now never speaks to me (nothng to do with cancer but I have very little time left to change things)
I am sad that I lost my hair
I am sad that I lost my figure
I am sad that I can no longer run

But I am grateful that I am still here and I will make the most of everything I still have. Having cancer has made me count my blessings and I love my friends and family so much.

Tina xxx

MarisaUK54's picture
MarisaUK54
Posts: 41
Joined: Aug 2011

Oh Tina...

You list many things to be sad about; I feel for you, truly. Despite which, you are an inspiration and as I have followed you here for just a few months, I so admire your knowledge, courage and honesty. I guess sadness is relevant to one's particular situation. I remember this past April, being finally free of chemo, returning to work and normality, I was incredibly "sad" and couldn't really work out why. None the less, it lifted and I have eased back into life pretty much as it was before. The oncologist told me to be realistic about PPC and it's recurrance rate so with that information, I try to go forward enjoying these free days....like you say, making the most.
Thank you for sharing such heartfelt feelings. May you continue to make the most of everything for the longest time...

With best wishes for Christmas and the NY,
Marisa

Best Friend
Posts: 222
Joined: May 2011

I feel terrible reading about ur sadness. I think i always assume u are the strong one on here. I just hope that you know how special u truly are. I cannot change anything u are going through, but i tell you this, everyone in ur family, friends, etc. they will all be better people for knowing you no matter how long a period of time.
I hope for ur grandson that he gets to spend plenty of grandmom time. I know my mom truly fought to be around for her grandkids. Didn't want them to see her give up the fight. I know she wants to be alive to see my neice get older. She is 12 and has spent alot of time with my mom. She would suffer the most.
I know i may not have my mom around for 5 more years, but i would like to think i will. And i am gonna think positive for you too today.
As for the sadness of remission. The reason for the sadness is the not knowing whats to come. It's frightening, and stressful. How could anyone not be sad. I am sad and it's not even me. We just have to pull through. Do we really have a choice? No miracle antidepressant out there is going to take all that pain away. Hope everything calms down for you.

AussieMaddie's picture
AussieMaddie
Posts: 345
Joined: May 2011

And that's what you have to leave to your children, your grandchildren. You will never really leave them because the legacy which is you is already running wild in their hearts and in their voices. You are in them now, empowering them now.

I agree with Best Friend.

And though I cannot say honestly that I feel the sadness that Carolyn feels - only because I'm not in your space Carolyn - when Tina lists her reasons for being sad, it becomes easy to feel her sadness.

Carolyn, I think often it's harder to find yourself feeling sad, for example, when you don't know *why* you do. But then again, you are still having bowel difficulties. Another thing which just comes to my mind is the rememberance of those times when I've come through a tremendous upheaval or crisis and it is *aftward*, when I realize that I've come through that, that can leave me feeling most need of support. I don't know why. It's as if I am able to bring all my strength to deal with the crisis, but find I have none left after it is over, and that's when I am most in need in support.

I don't know if that goes in any way though to the sadness that you are experiencing. Either way, your experience of illness is an ongoing thing.

You get the right to be sad on any day of any week that you like!

Hugs and my best wishes,

AussieMaddie

Carolyn68
Posts: 39
Joined: Aug 2011

Tina, I feel your sadness.... but, I also feel your strength. I haven't been on this board long, but I know you are a great support to others and I hope that in this all..you will know you are never alone....we are all here for you. Every morning I wake up, I come to this board and read. Today, I wrote out cards and cleaned....so I am a bit delayed....keep your head up high...I feel best too when I am busy with family-friends...or just to grocery store...this disease sucks! Have a good day.....

MarisaUK54's picture
MarisaUK54
Posts: 41
Joined: Aug 2011

Hello Carolyn,

I had a period of time back in the Spring when I was incredibly "sad"...I did post a comment here atually to find out if anyone else had felt such feelings.
Fortunately, mine did lift and I have gone forward more positively.
Such as the experience of the cancer patient, we are encouraged to remain positive and I was surprised how easily that came to me but we are allowed to have "moments", surely..
I guess I have accepted too, to be a little kinder to myself...it's a tough thing we're dealing with.

Wishing you all the best,
Marisa

lulu1010's picture
lulu1010
Posts: 367
Joined: Feb 2011

Yes we all have every reason to be sad and we must work thru this and come to terms with things. If the sadness goes on for a bit or I feel like I cant climb out of it I turn to low dose anti-depressants. I have used them for short periods of time a couple times. I would have used them all the time if I felt I needed them. I feel we have enough to deal with that we should do whatever makes us feel better.
I have been in remission for 6 months and I am pretty much living in denial for now. But it feels so good to return to the life I once lived even though I know the hatchet may fall any day.
I do get up every day and I am so glad to be given another day. I am happy to do things I dont even like to do for the simple reason that I can do them. Every minute of every day is precious.
I know that it may return anyday and then I must face the reality but for now I want to live for the day and enjoy all that I can.
I encourage you to talk with your doctor about how you are feeling if it does not pass and perhaps he can help.

Carolyn68
Posts: 39
Joined: Aug 2011

Thanks ladies for your suggestions.....I just found out my bowel issues are C Diff...a bacterial infection in the GUT! I have talked to my doctor about sadness, she is not one to give meds to for that, she says...so I went to my primary and she gave me celexsa ??
I haven't started it yet....everything all has its side affects...and now on flagyl for my c diff....I guess this is common for chemo patients...and plus, I have been on lots of AB... I know every minute of every day is precious.... I just wish I felt better....any suggestions of anti-depress or anxiety pills I could take that has offered you good relief? I take ativan at night to sleep..... thanks and have a good day!!

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

My sadness is not a constant. It comes and goes and just lately it is less than it used to be. Thank-you to everyone who has showed me concern. I am taking anti-depressants which help me a lot but as it has been 2 years since my diagnosis I have kinda gotten used to having a terminal illness. It seems like I have always had it and I have new friends who have only ever known me "with cancer".

What I am trying to say it that it is something we get used to as we find a way to live our lives "with cancer". It becomes normal to go to the chemo clinic for chemo. It becomes normal to feel 'sicky' sometimes and tired other times. When you lose your hair or it thins - you accept it as normal because that's how things are for me now.

So I try to look for the positive aspects of my situation and I have discovered that I love my life. I know it sounds daft but I appreciate everything that I have. I have lots of good good friends who care for me. I am able to spend quality time with my family and I am loving my job which in tunr helps me to feel "normal" and when I am at work I am Tina the teacher and not Tina with cancer.

So sadness comes now and again and it doesn't overwhelm me as much as it used to do. A little tip that may help you - Everyday try to count your blessing and think of at least one thing you are pleased to have in your life.

Love and hugs to all of my friends on here, love Tina xxx

AussieMaddie's picture
AussieMaddie
Posts: 345
Joined: May 2011

"So sadness comes now and again and it doesn't overwhelm me as much as it used to do."
I'm glad :)

A little tip that may help you - Everyday try to count your blessing and think of at least one thing you are pleased to have in your life.
Very good tip!

AussieMaddie

Best Friend
Posts: 222
Joined: May 2011

I am trying to be thankful. I know times i act like a big baby and all. It is ok to be sad. I am just happy that i can have those moments on here so people don't think i am losing my mind while at work and such. Thanks to everyone.I am truly thankful to have met all of you.

lulu1010's picture
lulu1010
Posts: 367
Joined: Feb 2011

I actutually started a "blessings" book and try to write down each time I see something that is a blessing and I found I couldnt even keep up!

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