Dec 07, 2011 - 10:32 pm
This is my first time posting. We moved into a new home, and two weeks later, my Fiance was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer. I'm feeling so overwhelmed. He is having such a hard time. Had chemo for the first time last Thursday. Nausea and vomitting intensified five fold and he had to be admitted into the hospital. None of the drugs worked that they sent us home with. He hasn't eaten in SEVEN DAYS. Today, he had a feeding tube installed in his abdomen, and of course he is in a great deal of pain. They had to actually do surgery, and couldn't simply slide it down because there was so much blockage.
He was so happy earlier today. I knew it was the drugs. Then they took the strong stuff away, and now he's on morphine. I wish they'd give him the happy drug again. I saw a the person that I once knew, but now he's back to being abrupt, mean, and distant. And I'm not complaining, I understand -- he's in pain and feeling sick to his stomach. I feel so awful that he is so miserable,and that his body is tortured with sickness and medical intervention.
He is also in denial. I asked him if he'd told his mother about what we were told about the prognosis -- incurable -- terminal. He told me never to mention that to him again. His family is two hours away. I can understand the drama that he is trying to avoid, and I believe that it is his choice. I want to be respectful, but at the same time I don't like being deceitful. His sister has called me a couple of times. She says things like -- Well -- I think it's in stage 1, because he doesn't have it in the bones or blood. My response was "I'm not sure about the stage, but the cancer has not spread to the bones or blood." However, the family wants to be in denial too. They all sat and heard the initial reports, and somehow he convinced them that they really didn't hear that there were tumors in his lungs and lympnodes. He later told his sister that it was curable.
I just go along with what he wants, because I don't feel it's my place to tell his family. He has a right to his privacy. I also sympathize with him, because his sisters and mother can be very controlling. I've known him for four years, and they have made him jump through some incredible hoops and do some stressful things all as a payback for taking care of his three kids. And for once, this part of his life he gets to control.
I'm so darn exhausted. I have to juggle being a mother to my young son, and a job, and a caretaker. Today I felt my forhead tensing up -- involuntarily. I didn't move it, but I could feel it. The sensation scared me. I decided not to do a late night shift at the hospital tonight. But of course, I'm still plaqued with worry and stress. And I guess that's why I'm here.
Thanks for letting me vent.