Well Christmas is on its way. Mom has been sooooo into the holiday spirit. I can see why. We did not think she would be make it. So, she can celebrate as much as her little heart desires. Or in her case, her huge heart!
I am relatively happy everyday and try to remember what she went through and that she has made it so far. I remind myself of the cancer so i don't forget to live life to the fullest. However, some nites when i am alone in bed reading, my mind wanders. The first vision is my mom still without her hair, her body that has become so frail, and she just looks so much older than she did before. So, i guess i am just having thoughts that the cancer is still there and we just won't know anything till January. I do not want to go to docs in January and here that her CA125 went up to the triple digits. I just don't think i am gonna be able to get her through it again if it happens. I hate sounding selfish but it has really changed my life. I have always had depression/anxiety problems, and that along with other elements I have been like given this shock to the system. I am more depressed now than i was in the beginning of all her treatments. It's like my heart has finally felt the stress. I am crying all the time.
I want to be this optomist who thinks things will be wonderful, but what if?
How can i get through this month waiting for this appt?