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Christmas

Best Friend
Posts: 222
Joined: May 2011

Well Christmas is on its way. Mom has been sooooo into the holiday spirit. I can see why. We did not think she would be make it. So, she can celebrate as much as her little heart desires. Or in her case, her huge heart!
I am relatively happy everyday and try to remember what she went through and that she has made it so far. I remind myself of the cancer so i don't forget to live life to the fullest. However, some nites when i am alone in bed reading, my mind wanders. The first vision is my mom still without her hair, her body that has become so frail, and she just looks so much older than she did before. So, i guess i am just having thoughts that the cancer is still there and we just won't know anything till January. I do not want to go to docs in January and here that her CA125 went up to the triple digits. I just don't think i am gonna be able to get her through it again if it happens. I hate sounding selfish but it has really changed my life. I have always had depression/anxiety problems, and that along with other elements I have been like given this shock to the system. I am more depressed now than i was in the beginning of all her treatments. It's like my heart has finally felt the stress. I am crying all the time.
I want to be this optomist who thinks things will be wonderful, but what if?
How can i get through this month waiting for this appt?

AussieMaddie's picture
AussieMaddie
Posts: 345
Joined: May 2011

Hi,

have you had interests in the past from which you drew pleasure. Simple things like a day at the pictures or walking along a beach or in a forest.

Anyway that you can get Cancer-free time would be great. Cancer is a sickness which many end in death but it's not causing death *now*. You're mum's alive *now* and, from what you say, enjoying the thought of Christmas *now*.

It may be that you are exhausted worrying about her. I wonder also if medication might help to lift you out of your depression since, as you say, you've always been given to being anxious. Do you see a therapist for yourself? Maybe now is the time to start thinking about supporting you.

Take pleasure in your mum's pleasure. It will add to her pleasure to share it with others. And find small ways of adding pleasure to your own life as well.

Are there any other people who you feel that you can leave your mother with to share with for a time while you take a break? Go away somewhere?

Sorry, these are just ideas that have popped into my head that might help. Don't know if you've already thought of them a million times over

My thoughts are with you,

AussieMaddie

Best Friend
Posts: 222
Joined: May 2011

I did enjoy walking, but i hurt my stupid foot. Doc said if i am at work walkin all day, that should be all for now. He said it's never gonna heal/ So, really that is the one thing that is my stress reliever.
I am gonna be ok. I know I will. My sis says i am a pessimist. I just know she has no idea unless she has been in my shoes. I try not to judge people when they are depressed cuz i know it's a sickness. She was once so bad she couldn't care for her children, and then my mom had to take leave from work to take care of her family. So, really she should silence herself.
I am ready for Christmas. My mom has gotten my daughter every gift known to man. I told her i am just gonna have to give her money because she bought everything at every store. She definitely has learned to enjoy life when u still can. I know i am strong because of her. Being around her has made me the strong woman i am. I am proud of that.
Anyway, hope YOU are doing ok. Let me know what is going on! I know i cannot possibly help from here, but i think i can listen when u need me.

AussieMaddie's picture
AussieMaddie
Posts: 345
Joined: May 2011

Hi :)

I must say that when you describe the pleasure that your mum gets in buying all those gifts for her grandchildren, it fills me with pleasure too :)

I take delight in other people's delight, especially the pleasure shared with their children and grandchildren.

So, thank *you* for that pleasure :)

AussieMaddie

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