Dec 01, 2011 - 9:10 pm
Sometimes you just need a place to let it out with strangers and I guess this is what I need right now.
My mom, who's 81 has just been diagnosed with 3A/3B Pancoastal Lung Cancer. We're still in the diagnostic work up phase of things. As an non practicing health care professional post 14 years ago....who's done clinical rotations on a med/surg oncology unit I've witnessed first had the impact and effects of lung ca to patients and families. I also lost my brother in-law to lung ca 16 years ago.
So many things are running through my head right now, I don't even know if or how to say it all.
I'm just so sad and I can't stop crying. It's just not fair. I'm so angry at god right now. God can be so cruel sometimes. This is a good person who never hurt a flee and has always contributed to society, worked hard and saved well, and is so kind to others. This is a person that's never really been sick a day in her life and walked and tried to eat the right things and do all those supposedly good things that you do to take care of yourself. She's never been in a hospital except for child birth. She doesn't deserve a cruel, lingering, suffering, end to her full life. I find myself praying and saying please god just give her a heart attack or a stroke or something...please don't make her suffer.
We haven't had the beaver cleaver relationship. It's been a real one with it's up's and downs. Yet now that this has happened all that I can do is say... "what the heck am I going to do without my mom around." I'm feeling so selfish right now. I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm trying to stay strong and be the brave daughter. Everyone in my family keeps looking to me for direction on their decisions because of my medical background. Yet I'm cowering inside.
I feel lost in a nightmare that isn't ending. I'm heartbroken and I can't make the pain stop.