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heart broken

just_joan11
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2011

Hello all,

Sometimes you just need a place to let it out with strangers and I guess this is what I need right now.

My mom, who's 81 has just been diagnosed with 3A/3B Pancoastal Lung Cancer. We're still in the diagnostic work up phase of things. As an non practicing health care professional post 14 years ago....who's done clinical rotations on a med/surg oncology unit I've witnessed first had the impact and effects of lung ca to patients and families. I also lost my brother in-law to lung ca 16 years ago.

So many things are running through my head right now, I don't even know if or how to say it all.

I'm just so sad and I can't stop crying. It's just not fair. I'm so angry at god right now. God can be so cruel sometimes. This is a good person who never hurt a flee and has always contributed to society, worked hard and saved well, and is so kind to others. This is a person that's never really been sick a day in her life and walked and tried to eat the right things and do all those supposedly good things that you do to take care of yourself. She's never been in a hospital except for child birth. She doesn't deserve a cruel, lingering, suffering, end to her full life. I find myself praying and saying please god just give her a heart attack or a stroke or something...please don't make her suffer.

We haven't had the beaver cleaver relationship. It's been a real one with it's up's and downs. Yet now that this has happened all that I can do is say... "what the heck am I going to do without my mom around." I'm feeling so selfish right now. I don't want to say goodbye.

I'm trying to stay strong and be the brave daughter. Everyone in my family keeps looking to me for direction on their decisions because of my medical background. Yet I'm cowering inside.

I feel lost in a nightmare that isn't ending. I'm heartbroken and I can't make the pain stop.

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

Hi Joan, I read your post and I feel your pain. It is great that you are able to express your anger. That is the beginning. There is no way to make your pain disappear any quicker. I have this sign in my office that says "The best way to get through a difficult place, is to simply go through it. I read that and reflect every day.

I probably don't have the comforting words right now, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Although you stated God is unfair....While I don't agree with that I can understand why you would say that---But it is not about fairness. It is just part of his plan. For your mother to live 81 years, that to me is a blessing. I lost my mother in January to colon cancer with mets to lungs, heart, pancreas..but I watched her suffer, but I took comfort in knowing that to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord. I MISS her every day, but I know she is not suffering. No ONe will ever take your mother's place. She seems to be a great mom. So On top of my mother dying of cancer, my 43 year old husband has stage iv breast cancer...talking about some questions for God! But He eased my pain and remained faithful and showed me that he was there all along.

Be near her and take it all in. That's what I did. I stayed in the fight with her. Although it nearly crushed me to just watch her vanish before my eyes, It was comforting to me that those were probably the best mother and daughter times ever. I wish I could give you a queen sized hug. (((((you ))))) bless you

This board is a great asset to me. I can come here and ask questions, talk, vent. You do the same. Remember you are not alone.

Zeph317
Posts: 3
Joined: Dec 2011

Dear Joan,

18 years ago I lost my precious Dad to lung cancer. I felt exactly like you do. I prayed for so long that God would take him whole and not a piece at a time. But after many mini strokes, he lost his memory, his ability to walk, speak, eye sight and finally passed away. My anger affected my whole life.

Now, I realize what a precious gift I had in a father and to be able to care for him in his last days was priceless. Through my Dad, God showed me all that could possibly be good in a human being. I was blessed, I am blessed. My brothers, sisters and I are blessed to cherish a memory like his, to have an example like his.

It seems to me you have such an example. Your anger is normal, feel it and own it. No one knows what you are going through but you. But please know that God is understanding of your feelings. He waits for her with open arms but please do not allow your anger to linger too long and let it affect your life as I did.

You and your precios Mom are in my prayers.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

This is the place to vent, to rant, to let it out. I am so sorry about your mom. I could have almost written your post. I lost my sweet,dear mother to stage IV uterine cancer in June 09. In Feb. of 09 , after countless tests and drs appts, we were told she was stage IV. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my mom had cancer. Like yours, she was healthy all her life, loved to walk, ate well, never smoked or touched hormones, rarely drank. The only health issue was high blood pressure. She was frugal, kind and never missed church on Sundays. Four months into "treatment", she was gone. Her GP, in my opinion, dropped the ball. He patronized her and wrote off aches and pains as arthritis, old age. A little cough was "age related asthma. When actually, the cancer has spread to her lung. It's been 2 1/2 yrs but the sense of loss and sadness is still overwhelming at times. I still miss her so much, still can't believe she's gone sometimes. Holidays are the worst. I too am angry at God. And it's okay to feel that way. I think it's all part of the grief process. I personally know 3 people whose mothers are well into their 90's. I am jealous , so jealous of them. I keep thinking not fair, it's not fair. Does God play favorites, that's how I feel. I understand, and you're not alone. Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts.
Big hugs,
Cindy

just_joan11
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2011

Thank you both. This is not an easy time for me. Even though I don't personaly know any of you, reading and thinking about all of what you said has helped me feel better.

My mom keeps saying, "I've lived a good life," and she has. I know that we can't live for ever and that this is just part of life. Yet you're just never prepared mentally for events like this when they occur.

Again... my humble gratitude for your supportive thoughts.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

My mom was diagnosed 3 years ago and I remember all the tears from the initial shock phase. That tapers off as acceptance sets in. It really does get better.

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