Nov 29, 2011 - 12:16 pm
Just wondering if any of “Us” have regretted not talking about “Things” with our spouses before they died?
I regret not sharing how I felt when I first met her in 1975. She knocked me over with her beauty, long black hair to her knees and how shy and bashful I felt just sitting next to her.
I wish I had told her that yes I made mistakes in the relationship but I always loved her, and that I appreciated her strong fortitude and courage in the face of her personal journey of cancer. I think she knew that, but I never disclosed it verbally.
I remember when she gave birth to our daughter, it was at that moment I realized women are not the weaker sex and I indeed had been somewhat prejudiced, what an education that was! I think I still have the scars from her fingernails on my arms during delivery. That I did share! (LOL)
I was decorating the Christmas tree Sunday evening, I found an ornament from 1978, our first Christmas together. I felt sad. I put the tree up but I really have no enthusiasm for doing more. I am not bitter, just a little sad right now. I miss her, always will.
I wish she had told me thank you, just once. Thank you for the emotional support and endless trips I made with her to the doctor (Never missed an appointment with her). The calls to the insurance companies, trips to the pharmacy, talking to the doctor, flushing her central line during my lunch hours,disconnecting her chemotherapy, takign care of her pets, buying her supplment drinks, being up with her during her "Decadron Highs".
I wish she had told me that had the table been turned, she would have been next to me the same, sometimes I wonder if she would have made that same commitment.
I wish she would have told me how wanted to hear how she wanted me to live my life after she left. Would she want me to meet someone else? Did she want me to stay in our home (Which is really hard) after she died?
I think we both sheltered ourselves from the pain of sharing our feelings when she was ill. The caring was there, a team effort, but little intimacy from sharing our inner thoughts. Perhaps it was the pain that kept us from doing so.
Thanks for letting me share.