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Things you wish you had shared with your spouse

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

Just wondering if any of “Us” have regretted not talking about “Things” with our spouses before they died?

I regret not sharing how I felt when I first met her in 1975. She knocked me over with her beauty, long black hair to her knees and how shy and bashful I felt just sitting next to her.

I wish I had told her that yes I made mistakes in the relationship but I always loved her, and that I appreciated her strong fortitude and courage in the face of her personal journey of cancer. I think she knew that, but I never disclosed it verbally.

I remember when she gave birth to our daughter, it was at that moment I realized women are not the weaker sex and I indeed had been somewhat prejudiced, what an education that was! I think I still have the scars from her fingernails on my arms during delivery. That I did share! (LOL)

I was decorating the Christmas tree Sunday evening, I found an ornament from 1978, our first Christmas together. I felt sad. I put the tree up but I really have no enthusiasm for doing more. I am not bitter, just a little sad right now. I miss her, always will.

I wish she had told me thank you, just once. Thank you for the emotional support and endless trips I made with her to the doctor (Never missed an appointment with her). The calls to the insurance companies, trips to the pharmacy, talking to the doctor, flushing her central line during my lunch hours,disconnecting her chemotherapy, takign care of her pets, buying her supplment drinks, being up with her during her "Decadron Highs".

I wish she had told me that had the table been turned, she would have been next to me the same, sometimes I wonder if she would have made that same commitment.

I wish she would have told me how wanted to hear how she wanted me to live my life after she left. Would she want me to meet someone else? Did she want me to stay in our home (Which is really hard) after she died?

I think we both sheltered ourselves from the pain of sharing our feelings when she was ill. The caring was there, a team effort, but little intimacy from sharing our inner thoughts. Perhaps it was the pain that kept us from doing so.

Thanks for letting me share.

David

kmgerhke
Posts: 20
Joined: Nov 2011

Dear David,

Everything you are feeling is so normal. I had a chance to say goodbye and answere many questions with my spouse. But still after 2 years I ask is he mad because I gave to his kids or that I sold the house. Does he Know I loved him and why did I not get the last words instead of his daughter.

Then I tell myself for 6 years I had my dream Love-I know he loved me and I him and am still angry cause he left me. But I must go on and what ever God has planned for me.I thank my husband everyday for life today. So understand all you are feeling is Normal'
Karen

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

My husband knew how much I loved him & thanked me alot during his 2 month ordeal with cancer. But the night he died, we watched TV, he ate some yogurt at 8:00. Then he went upstairs at 10:00 & pounded on the bathroom floor to get my attention. I ran upstairs & he was hemmorraging in the bathroom & started to collapse. It was caused from Avastin which was one chemo he received only twice. So those last moments were horrible & we never got a chance to say Goodbye, cause we never expected this to happen. So please all of you who have the chance, talk to them & let them know you love them & will never forget them.

Be strong Karen!! "Carole"

kmgerhke
Posts: 20
Joined: Nov 2011

Dear Carole-I am trying-This place I find solace for Monday I recieved a phone call that the cancer (kidney) that took my husband was diagnosed in my mother-Feels like such a sucker punch beyond believe.

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

Your letter seemed almost exactly what I would want to say. My husband and best friend was diagnosed on May 26th of this year. I passed away on October 5th. I brought him home from the hospital with 2-3 months to live. He was gone in 30 hours. Up to the very end he promised me he wasn't going anywhere. Tonight driving home from work I was overwhelmed with anger. I was sobbing and crying out to him that he promised not to leave. that I don't know what he wants me to do. I wanted him to tell me he knew and etc etc etc. I miss him so much. Not sure what to do now. I go through the motions and get through the days and lonely night. I do know that Don would have lovingly done for me what I did for him. The difference is I like to research, talk about everything, experience every emotion. Don thought if we didn't discuss it, it would be ok and not be real. Either that or he thought he was sparing me. Who knows! But, if I'd known he was going to die, he would have at least heard my side of it, my questions, my concerns. Tonight I was mad that I didn't get that chance. I talk to him a lot. But then, that's really not that odd because I've been talking to him for 30 years. Good thoughts to you!

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

I get so mad at Butch I think he took the easy path because surviving is so hard. I told him it was okay to go but still can't believe he left me. anyone else get so angry you cant breath or end up with dry heaves? Then what do you do about the guilt for being mad at him?

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello David
First, I am so happy to see you posting. You almost brought me to tears, almost... I am so sorry your wife never said "Thank You." I had my parents start a journal a year after my dad was dx. I also wrote in it. This helped us tremendously to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Mom and I now have that journal to look back on and treasure. The morning of the night my dad passed away, My mom was fighting with my dad, telling him he had to go to his drs appointment. He was begging her not to make him go. He called me, I was there within minutes. He made me promise him I would never put him back in the hospital. I promised. I told mom she better say she was sorry. She refused to. To this day, she so regrets not apologizing!!! You know you are not alone. Thank God we are all here for eachother. You do the best to have Happy Holidays. Do it for yourself, do it for your daughter? Take care and keep in touch. Hugs.
Tina in Va

Jille3832
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2011

Hi All,
I just discovered this message board today and am so grateful for everyone and the comments they have made. My husband of 31 years passed away a little over 3 weeks ago after battling colon cancer for five years. Though we talked about some things (like finances and such), when he was hospitalized for the last time he was in complete denial about how sick he was. He thought with just a little nutrition and some sleep he'd get better (like he had so many times before). The last night of his life I held his hand but was in such a state of shock at losing him that I never discussed those things like the house or his possessions or even how much I would miss him. By that point he was so sick with pain that he could barely talk.
Though I will always have 31 years of discussions and fights and loving moments, it seems the last few hours are always going to be the most important ones I missed.
JillE

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

I totally understand-and thank you all for your responses. Topics as painful as they may be (like this one) are helpful (To me and you I hope) in that they encourage all of us to share what may be lurking in our heads for days on end. I will never forget the last day I spent with my wife. I could have a full stroke and likely not forget that day. I remember the very first conversation in 1975 and the last 2010.

You are all brave! You are all amazing and I love each of you-really!

David

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

I'm so sorry you are joining us in this discussion group. My husband's been gone 2 months as of Dec 5th. We were together 30 years. Married 28 years. The last night of my husbands life I had been up all day. We brought him home from the hospital the night before. Neither of us slept very much. The next morning he was unable to swallow the pills I was suppose to give him. I called Hospice and they never left. At about 12:45 a.m. the nurse insisted that I lay down for a bit. At 1:30 a.m. she woke me and told me to hurry. Our two daughter and I held him,talked to him and told him it was ok. I told him to let go and that I would be ok. And he was gone! How I wish I'd spent that hour with him instead of resting. I didn't know it was our last night together. If only all of us had a crystal ball and were able to do just what we wanted for our loved ones in those last hours. <3

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