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Lost my lovely man 3 weeks ago, don't know what to do

julesio
Posts: 24
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi Everyone, I lost my man 3 weeks ago to bowel cancer with peritoneal mets. He was ok for a while then suddenly went downhill. He was in hospice and died just over a week after he got there peacefully. I am totally filled with despair. I don't know what to do or who to turn to, since the funeral everyone has been going back to their normal lives and I have been left alone and bereft. I wish I had died and he was ok again. I have been on auto pilot for a few weeks but now I am just feeling terrible and wander around not knowing what to do with myself or who I can talk to. It's horrible. From being with the person 24 hours a day to having nothing now, my whole life seems ruined. I am only just 35 and have no kids to keep me busy. I am just miserable.
Jules

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

My dear husband and best friend passed away October 5th. I felt a hole in my heart like I'd never experienced before. My husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer May 26th. He had the kidney removed and we were told he would be fine. No need for chemo or radiation. A month later he had 4 brain mets and they started whole brain radiation followed by chemo. I was told Oct 3rd he had 2-3 months to live and I lasted 30 hours. I miss him so much. My life will never be the same. You're right... everyone goes back to life and I'm not sure what to do with mine. I took care of him 24/7 after he got sick. Now I'm suppose to go back to work with a "happy face". AND do the holidays. I'm sorry you have joined this group. But anytime you need an ear, I would love to listen. Will help if I can. Sending a big HUG!

julesio
Posts: 24
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi Hart, I am feeling just like you, everything is unreal just now and I am traumatised by everything. I am heartbroken. Sending a big hug back to you. xx

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

I am so sorry for your lose Butch left me just over 2 weeks ago. I told him it was okay there was just pain left here. He was in my arms and everything just stopped. I just sat there stunned that he actually left me behind. I'm 47 Butch was 63 and God life was fun with him, now I wander if it ever will be again. We still held hands and I called home 2am lunch breaks just to chat. Yeah at 2am he always answered with a heellloo hon and always said I love you and remember to call when you leave work. Coffee was always ready when I got home. I know I had more love in the 15 years then most will get in a lifetime but I still want more. I have his little dog we adopted. Butch took this terrified little abused dog and turned him into my best friend. He puts his paws on my lap and lets me cry. No words of wisdom , no judgement just loving looks and licks. At the end of my rope Buddy is my knot. But Lord I hate making my own coffee, walking through the front door. How can the house be so different yet look the same. Why isn,t everything falling apart like me? Jules if I find answers I share them with you and if you find any send them my way

julesio
Posts: 24
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi magadee, I am sorry you are here too. Everything is so dull and grey now isn't it? I wish that I could go back in time and just give him one more hug and kiss. It's terrible. I am not coping with this very well at all.

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

everything just bites right now. I should be checking in to see if he got a deer yet and making spiced apple drop cookies for my fearless hunter. Insted I am sitting here crying. Do you wonder if your eyes will never not hurt and burn or wonder how you can feel so empty and yet hurt so dam bad. I am angry because I have to close his accounts and remove his name from our car titles isn't enough that he is gone why do I have to help erase him?

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. That phrase is one you have probably heard way to many times. The words themselves don't help, but then there aren't really any words that do. Maybe knowing you are not alone will help, and many of us who post here have lost our special person. Maybe knowing that what you are feeling is normal, whatever normal is. I lost my husband in Oct. 2009. Maybe knowing that time makes things more bearable will help. Lots of maybes there because each of us must grieve in our own way and time. It is a process and it does take time. Right now, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other with baby steps. Ignore those who try to tell you that you should be over it by now. They just don't get it. You will never get over it, but most of us will learn to live with the pain of our loss. Get help if you need it, counseling, prescription drugs, grief group. Do what is right for you. Take as loving care of yourself now as you did of your man. Come here for support. hugs and prayers, Fay

womack1424
Posts: 38
Joined: May 2011

I know what you are going through, I lost my partner of 12 years on Nov. 1 to colon cancer. She passed the morning after her 49th birthday, in our living room. She was diagnosed in 2004, had a 5 year remission, re diagnosed in 2009 withs mets to lung and spine and eventually the liver. She spent the last 10 months sleeping on the couch or the recliner in the living room because of intense back pain. I have sold all the furniture in the living room and bought new stuff, I have actually been on a serious purge in our house, having a huge garage sale this weekend.
I just found out today that our hospice team offers a grief support group at no cost, so I am going to that for the first time this week. I know that posting here has helped me deal and I am also writing a journal.
The hardest time of day for me is driving home from work, I used to call her everyday to let her know I was on my way. It seems this is my most emotional time. Driving back home from the Thanksgiving holiday was also especially tough, the first time in 12 years I have made that trip alone. Lots of tears:(
I am trying to find things to get involved in, most of my time in the last 3 years was spent rushing home to take care of her. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar so I think I might take lessons. Also, looking for an exercise group to join. She told me several weeks before she passed, " I may not always be with you, but I will always be here in spirit, and I want you to go and live a happy and abundant life". I keep hearing those words over in my head so that is what I am trying to do, although hard as it might be it is what she wanted, and I'd be willing to be your husband would want the same thing for you. God Bless and Keep you:)

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

I keep coming up with ideas of things I want to do. I also look for things that might be a sign from Butch. Mon I saw our bald eagle and the most beautiful light show from the rain and a street light, it looked like a million sparkling spider webs I was sure things were getting right in the world . Tuesday I came home to aflooded basement and spent a hour crouched in the rain snaking a clogged drain and today just sucks. it is a 4 mile drive home from work I haven't made it without stopping to cry. Are we destined to keep count of life as how many weeks since ,I thought I would try counting the weeks we had . Ended crying because they were not enough. Hey I am computer and web illiterate but Jules how are you doing

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Sorry what we're all going through. I have a redbud tree that hadn't bloomed since we planted it. Well, my hubby died on Mar. 25, 2010 & in May of that year it bloomed. I believe that was a sign from him. How long were you & Butch married?? It's so hard to go on alone but since we don't have a choice, we take it a day at a time. I hate being responsible for all the household things that break now. But did fix my toilet that wouldn't stop running & felt proud. We never had to have a serviceman for anything cause Tom did it all. We have to let our tears come whenever cause sometimes I feel better after a good cry. The holiday season is so hard and can't wait till January.
Please keep coming on here, because there are all of us who understand what you're going through and will support you. "Carole"

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

Butch and I had 15 years . We were late in lifers we always said. I had to replace ink in my printer. Silly things that I don't know how to do , but I am learning. I can't make my sisters understand I don't want to borrow a husband for a few hours Butch was the man of the house and there isn't going to be another. Though it is nice they try to help I just wish they would listen to me . I know what settings to put the dishwasher on but they think they know better . Hard water folks. Guess I better get salt for the softner Things like that just didn't matter for a bit.
Butch and I were interduced by a lady named Carole Your red bud makes me smile . Many years ago I bought a 3/4 dead pink dogwood at the end of the season because if the tree died in a year they would replace it and it was just $15 Butch put the reciept away so He wouldn't lose it 2 monthes after the warrenty expired he cleaned out his wallet and therer it was. I can't tell you how many cherry trees he ran over mowed down or bumped into. The man was dangerous on the lawn tractor. I am going to try again with a bing and black tartan this year. I think he was the only person who liked cherries more than me.
The holidays bite . I listen to everyone gripe and want to scream how lucky they are to have reason to celebrate , but they wouldn't hear I wouldn't have last year.

radevaelena
Posts: 10
Joined: Nov 2011

Hi Jules, I am so very sorry for your loss...I lost my mom to breast cancer and my dad lost his life partner...I now moved back home to live with my dad (I am 36, single) and we help each other, in almost everything. If I can give you an advice it would be to seek companion from other family members you love or any close friends....I used to live on my own but now that I moved back with dad, I think I help him not to feel alone and lonely....I hope you have someone to turn to...It's been very hard for me too and whatever people say it won't get easier...But I think we could cure the pain by helping others and pretend our loved one we lost is around us in all we do...I even talk to my mom....I look for a sign in the sky....Have not had any desire to socialize with others, just dad....I wish you are able to find support from other loved ones!!!!! Big hugs to you, Elena

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