Dumb things people say to you.....

mario33ec
mario33ec Member Posts: 21 Member
Admist all the sadness and grief lately I wanted to share a few anecdotes of my life as a stage iv survivor since July 5th of this year.
I have a good friend who is also stage iv with sarcoma--we have been talking and sharing walks and how people unintentially say dumb things to you. Or have no gravity of what stage iv means...
Here are a few of me and my friends experiences:
Me: Having a cousin of mine visit me from the states in August. She works for a company that makes drugs for cancer so one would think she is more informed than the rest of the general population. Well I was starting radiation treatmens that same week when she informed me that we were going biking on the weekend. I was very tired and was kinda surprised she would suggest such strenues activity given my diagnoses... a month later she sent an email stating that I had agreed to go to her time share in Las Vegas for Halloween. This was when I was starting round one of chemo and had to be hospitalized for six days... After this experience she finally expressed to family that she "gets it now."
Friend: Just after having her first surgery to remove a football sized tunmour a good friend of her wanted her to sign up for a trip abroad. This friend gave her a list of choices and when she wanted to go-my friend politely declined but was shocked at such a request.
Me: recieving a text from a college friend telling me I should apply for a new job because it had flexible hours... I texted back "you know I have cancer, right? This friend quickly backtracked but I just kept thinking how dumb it was.
Anyway-what I find weird is why any person would suggest vacations when one is first diagnosed with any kind of cancer, regardless even of stage.
I dunno bout my fellow survivors but I have been around the world alot and I am only 33. BUT even if I had NOT I would not be pinning to go to Paris or Hawaii when I have a terminal illness...

Discuss and share your stories...PS I know that peoples intentions are good but most people dont know how to talk to people with cancer. I personally hate the question: "Are you gonna be okaaayyyy?
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Comments

  • jim2011
    jim2011 Member Posts: 115
    at a loss for words
    A guy I knew told me that he had heard that I died. I asked him why he didn't attend my funeral.
  • Joel C
    Joel C Member Posts: 174
    jim2011 said:

    at a loss for words
    A guy I knew told me that he had heard that I died. I asked him why he didn't attend my funeral.

    I hear you.
    I could write a book.

    Joel
  • T-Bird
    T-Bird Member Posts: 25
    silly comments and travel
    "well, you look/sound good"
    "you'll be just fine" is probably my all time "worst of the worst"

    quote from Mario "I dunno bout my fellow survivors but I have been around the world alot and I am only 33. BUT even if I had NOT I would not be pinning to go to Paris or Hawaii when I have a terminal illness... " unquote

    maybe I think differently, but travel is what I want to do - especially since I am feeling relatively good enough to travel - god only knows what I will be feeling like in a month, let alone next year. What if I don't get this opportunity again? What if, what if, what if.

    We went to Mexico in August after my first round of treatments were completed and it was probably one of the best trips we have had. I also just finished booking a two week vacation in Mexico for December - a trip we have taken annually for the past 8 years to celebrate our anniversary - what if we don't get that chance next December (what if, what if?)

    I just started my 2nd round of chemo treatments and my doctor has agreed to work around my absence for the two weeks, so.......no what if's here ;)

    Edited to add: Please note that my bottom line decision wise to travel is, if I am feeling good enough and have all my ducks in a row (insurance wise, health care benefits, a Plan B if something happens, etc.), then, I am most definately going to go and enjoy what this world has to offer me.



    Teresa
  • jojoshort
    jojoshort Member Posts: 230 Member
    jim2011 said:

    at a loss for words
    A guy I knew told me that he had heard that I died. I asked him why he didn't attend my funeral.

    LOL Jim
    What a comeback! You had me laughing mightily at this one.
    Jo-Ann
  • ArchTB
    ArchTB Member Posts: 150
    People mean well
    People mean well and that's what matters. I don't think we can expect everyone to get into the skin of a patient or a caregiver and GET IT right away. There is a huge disconnect and it is understandable. We got a lot of comments, suggestions and offers that to us sounded completely unreasonable, but i don't think people make those out of ignorance or stupidity. I think it is quite impressive that your friend was willing to take you for a trip or arrange a vacation for you. When Tom was finishing his radiation treatments and was feeling sick throwing up every day, my sister suggested that I need to get pregnant to motivate Tom's recovery... Right...
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    ArchTB said:

    People mean well
    People mean well and that's what matters. I don't think we can expect everyone to get into the skin of a patient or a caregiver and GET IT right away. There is a huge disconnect and it is understandable. We got a lot of comments, suggestions and offers that to us sounded completely unreasonable, but i don't think people make those out of ignorance or stupidity. I think it is quite impressive that your friend was willing to take you for a trip or arrange a vacation for you. When Tom was finishing his radiation treatments and was feeling sick throwing up every day, my sister suggested that I need to get pregnant to motivate Tom's recovery... Right...

    Thank you
    Thank you as caregiver to my hubby, I just want to be remembered, and asked to go do things ever when we can not it is still nice to be asked.
    I am not a college educated person and am for sure not s speller or know how to say things right, But I do care about people . I am really not sure how to comment on peoples post anymore for fear I will say something that will set them off or hurt them.
    We hear want to visit you but..... want to call you but..... So I am one of the ones that most likely would say the wrong thing . And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore.
  • Daisylin
    Daisylin Member Posts: 365
    zinniemay said:

    Thank you
    Thank you as caregiver to my hubby, I just want to be remembered, and asked to go do things ever when we can not it is still nice to be asked.
    I am not a college educated person and am for sure not s speller or know how to say things right, But I do care about people . I am really not sure how to comment on peoples post anymore for fear I will say something that will set them off or hurt them.
    We hear want to visit you but..... want to call you but..... So I am one of the ones that most likely would say the wrong thing . And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore.

    Zinniemay,
    I'm not sure if you are talking about this site, saying "And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore". I hope we have not said anything, ever to offend you, or anyone else. We all value each other's friendship, support, encouragement and love. If you feel offended by anything we've said here, I am so sorry. We have all vented, cried and shared our opinions to each other honestly, freely and from our own experiences. Sometimes the truth hurts, I know I've read some things here that have shocked and frightened me. BUT I do know that nobody here has ever posted anything purposely meant to offend others. I really hope you have not taken offence to anything we've said.....

    I agree, friends and family do tend to say and do things that make you shake your head. My favourite is all the people who offered to bring food over when Lee started not being able to swallow. They certainly meant well, but part of me wondered if they were thinking "Poor Lee, Chantal's cooking is just so terrible, we'd better bring him something decent to eat" lol

    Anyways, everyone deals with the grief of hearing such bad news differently, and sometimes we all say dumb things. If I had a dollar for every time I told Lee that "we are going to beat this thing", I'd be a rich lady.

    Be well (and Eric, if you are reading this......I'm having my coffee, CHEERS)
    Chantal
  • Donna70
    Donna70 Member Posts: 852 Member
    ArchTB said:

    People mean well
    People mean well and that's what matters. I don't think we can expect everyone to get into the skin of a patient or a caregiver and GET IT right away. There is a huge disconnect and it is understandable. We got a lot of comments, suggestions and offers that to us sounded completely unreasonable, but i don't think people make those out of ignorance or stupidity. I think it is quite impressive that your friend was willing to take you for a trip or arrange a vacation for you. When Tom was finishing his radiation treatments and was feeling sick throwing up every day, my sister suggested that I need to get pregnant to motivate Tom's recovery... Right...

    wierd things people say
    Hi,
    I have posted these before but they are always good for a laugh, my SIL visiting before my esophagectomy, stating over and over, "I am not going to get cancer. I am a positive person."???? did she think I thought myself into stage III EC. And I would tell her not to say that it upset me and she often repeated it.I am for being positive, but with an NG tube sticking out of my nose and fixing food for her, this was hard but I can laugh about it now, well maybe a little. Also, can't eat very thin and you hear, "Boy, wish I was that thin"????? But most people mean well and many cannot understand our unique point of view. We don't want anyone to go thru this. I love the one about thought you were dead. You have to have a sense of humor to survive for sure. Love this board and everyone on it. take care,
    Donna70
  • BMGky
    BMGky Member Posts: 621
    zinniemay said:

    Thank you
    Thank you as caregiver to my hubby, I just want to be remembered, and asked to go do things ever when we can not it is still nice to be asked.
    I am not a college educated person and am for sure not s speller or know how to say things right, But I do care about people . I am really not sure how to comment on peoples post anymore for fear I will say something that will set them off or hurt them.
    We hear want to visit you but..... want to call you but..... So I am one of the ones that most likely would say the wrong thing . And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore.

    People mean well
    I am the first to say that I repeatedly say the dumbest things at the worst when trying to express support and/or condolences. How many times have I asked someone, "You doing okay?" when it is quite obvious they've lost a loved one or are going through great distress. I will not repeat some of my most egregious blunders, but life goes on. They may roll their eyes or have a quick comeback but they know I truly care. We ineffectual communicators are just trying to make the hurt and pain go away, no matter how inelegant the way of expressing it.

    Fortunately, Bill has salvaged most of my miscues by explaining what I meant. I'm so thankful God provided him for me to take care of me. As he once said with great affection that for an intelligent woman, I could pull some of the dumbest stunts imaginable.

    So, the pain of the EC diagnosis is inexpressible, emotions are frayed beyond capacity, and someone cheerily making a seemingly superficial suggestion can definitely strike a nerve. They just don't get the severity of the diagnosis; the brutality of the treatment; the yuccky odds; the enormous pain being endured. Even when you try to explain, they go, "Uh-Huh, my [insert family member] had [insert cancer type], and they had to go through real cancer treatment." You smile and nod knowingly, recognizing they just don't get it and pray they never have to find out for themselves.

    It is important everyone freely post their feelings, fears, and joys as this is, as far as I am concerned, the only place you have knowledgeable, truly committed friends trying to help based on actual experience, and willing to overlook our flaws. BMGky
  • wiltingnoh
    wiltingnoh Member Posts: 6
    Daisylin said:

    Zinniemay,
    I'm not sure if you are talking about this site, saying "And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore". I hope we have not said anything, ever to offend you, or anyone else. We all value each other's friendship, support, encouragement and love. If you feel offended by anything we've said here, I am so sorry. We have all vented, cried and shared our opinions to each other honestly, freely and from our own experiences. Sometimes the truth hurts, I know I've read some things here that have shocked and frightened me. BUT I do know that nobody here has ever posted anything purposely meant to offend others. I really hope you have not taken offence to anything we've said.....

    I agree, friends and family do tend to say and do things that make you shake your head. My favourite is all the people who offered to bring food over when Lee started not being able to swallow. They certainly meant well, but part of me wondered if they were thinking "Poor Lee, Chantal's cooking is just so terrible, we'd better bring him something decent to eat" lol

    Anyways, everyone deals with the grief of hearing such bad news differently, and sometimes we all say dumb things. If I had a dollar for every time I told Lee that "we are going to beat this thing", I'd be a rich lady.

    Be well (and Eric, if you are reading this......I'm having my coffee, CHEERS)
    Chantal

    Dumb things people say
    My husband too has had several comments that they had been told he died. That was back in 2009 when he had a quadruple bypass.

    The worst thing he has been told was by his 40yr. old son Sunday night. He called to talk to his Dad and in the course of the conversation he said, "I'll be frank with you Dad, you look like ****."

    Cathy
  • sandy1943
    sandy1943 Member Posts: 824
    People mean well, they just
    People mean well, they just don't know what to say, so they say dumb things. Most of the time all we need is someone to give us a hug--say they are praying and they care. I had a friend that I did not hear from when I went through treatment. she said later, she didn't know what to say and I told her just an "I care" would have helped, but I still hurt because of the ones that chose to go the other way.Some people treat cancer as a taboo illness and it scares them.
    That's what's so great about this site, we can talk openly,but even then, things sometimes
    come out wrong.
    Sandra
  • oriontj
    oriontj Member Posts: 375
    T-Bird said:

    silly comments and travel
    "well, you look/sound good"
    "you'll be just fine" is probably my all time "worst of the worst"

    quote from Mario "I dunno bout my fellow survivors but I have been around the world alot and I am only 33. BUT even if I had NOT I would not be pinning to go to Paris or Hawaii when I have a terminal illness... " unquote

    maybe I think differently, but travel is what I want to do - especially since I am feeling relatively good enough to travel - god only knows what I will be feeling like in a month, let alone next year. What if I don't get this opportunity again? What if, what if, what if.

    We went to Mexico in August after my first round of treatments were completed and it was probably one of the best trips we have had. I also just finished booking a two week vacation in Mexico for December - a trip we have taken annually for the past 8 years to celebrate our anniversary - what if we don't get that chance next December (what if, what if?)

    I just started my 2nd round of chemo treatments and my doctor has agreed to work around my absence for the two weeks, so.......no what if's here ;)

    Edited to add: Please note that my bottom line decision wise to travel is, if I am feeling good enough and have all my ducks in a row (insurance wise, health care benefits, a Plan B if something happens, etc.), then, I am most definately going to go and enjoy what this world has to offer me.



    Teresa

    We always go to Vegas for our December anniversary
    and we're going December 4th. We also have three other times and went on a 21 day trip to Alaska. Good thing we did because walking is hard for him due to neurophy.

    Where in Mexico. My family spent every Christmas there from the time I was 12 til I was 28..Acapulco and I'd love to go back..maybe some day.

    jan
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    Daisylin said:

    Zinniemay,
    I'm not sure if you are talking about this site, saying "And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore". I hope we have not said anything, ever to offend you, or anyone else. We all value each other's friendship, support, encouragement and love. If you feel offended by anything we've said here, I am so sorry. We have all vented, cried and shared our opinions to each other honestly, freely and from our own experiences. Sometimes the truth hurts, I know I've read some things here that have shocked and frightened me. BUT I do know that nobody here has ever posted anything purposely meant to offend others. I really hope you have not taken offence to anything we've said.....

    I agree, friends and family do tend to say and do things that make you shake your head. My favourite is all the people who offered to bring food over when Lee started not being able to swallow. They certainly meant well, but part of me wondered if they were thinking "Poor Lee, Chantal's cooking is just so terrible, we'd better bring him something decent to eat" lol

    Anyways, everyone deals with the grief of hearing such bad news differently, and sometimes we all say dumb things. If I had a dollar for every time I told Lee that "we are going to beat this thing", I'd be a rich lady.

    Be well (and Eric, if you are reading this......I'm having my coffee, CHEERS)
    Chantal

    was venting....
    Well I know people say dumb things I get that, but I just think we need to get a grip on it. They really mean well. Most people will run the other way for fear they will say the worse thing. Thank you all for your good work. It was not just this site! I seen a post "what not to say to a person with cancer" on a site.
    I know people say dumb things I am not exception. Being a caregiver, I have hear allot lately. oh was going to call but... was going to come over but.... I get it.
    I am guilty of the dumb thing rule to in a way. I hate when people ask me how did you lose your leg? Like I could lose it haha. But I laugh and tell them a wild story.
    I am sorry . Was not aimed at this site at all.
    Just venting ...

    Truely sorry just a hard road to go down.
  • Oh... the things people say!
    1. In the elevator up to the ocolcogy infusion floor, a lady asked me... do you come here often?

    2. A Friend: What are you so upset about? He will be just fine. You are over reacting! Are you guys you going to San carlos to dive this year? Is the boat ready? One month later: Oh my god.. I saw a documentary on EC. What do you need? Call me anytime, I am here for you guys. How is D. What can I do?

    3. Co-worker: give him strawberries and blue berries! People are cured, they contain anti- oxidants, it is all over the internet! It's guranteed!(sp)

    4.You should of taken him to the doctor sooner. (sweet little me.... wanted to smack her)

    Zinniemay....this forum provides people dealing with EC the opportunity to communicate, to share experiences, to educate and support each other. Emotions are RAW! What I appreciate ….there is no sugar coating here. The forum…... is rich with compassion and sentiment. One can be offended only if one choses to be.
    Spelling… Well obviously there is not an english major on board; a lot of us would be in trouble. Although mine … mostly typos:):)
    Tell your story, there is no judgment here…If someone offends you.. no worries… Chantal will hold them down……Heeran will punch them… Chemosguy will kick them, William will pray.. Terry can be the cheerleader and BMGky will give them a piece of her mind.. And I will……………….dot them to death.
    Sal
  • dodger21
    dodger21 Member Posts: 85 Member

    Oh... the things people say!
    1. In the elevator up to the ocolcogy infusion floor, a lady asked me... do you come here often?

    2. A Friend: What are you so upset about? He will be just fine. You are over reacting! Are you guys you going to San carlos to dive this year? Is the boat ready? One month later: Oh my god.. I saw a documentary on EC. What do you need? Call me anytime, I am here for you guys. How is D. What can I do?

    3. Co-worker: give him strawberries and blue berries! People are cured, they contain anti- oxidants, it is all over the internet! It's guranteed!(sp)

    4.You should of taken him to the doctor sooner. (sweet little me.... wanted to smack her)

    Zinniemay....this forum provides people dealing with EC the opportunity to communicate, to share experiences, to educate and support each other. Emotions are RAW! What I appreciate ….there is no sugar coating here. The forum…... is rich with compassion and sentiment. One can be offended only if one choses to be.
    Spelling… Well obviously there is not an english major on board; a lot of us would be in trouble. Although mine … mostly typos:):)
    Tell your story, there is no judgment here…If someone offends you.. no worries… Chantal will hold them down……Heeran will punch them… Chemosguy will kick them, William will pray.. Terry can be the cheerleader and BMGky will give them a piece of her mind.. And I will……………….dot them to death.
    Sal

    Tough gang
    Woah....we have a tough street gang with Chantal, Heeran, Chemosmoker and others going into a fight...lol!

    When I came back from being given the clear by my work doctor to be on full duties my boss held a meeting with me and others in the office to have them help on one of my cases.
    He started,"Well, because you might drop dead"....pause for my offended face..."or get hit by a bus, we are going to get xxxx to help..."
  • mario33ec
    mario33ec Member Posts: 21 Member
    dodger21 said:

    Tough gang
    Woah....we have a tough street gang with Chantal, Heeran, Chemosmoker and others going into a fight...lol!

    When I came back from being given the clear by my work doctor to be on full duties my boss held a meeting with me and others in the office to have them help on one of my cases.
    He started,"Well, because you might drop dead"....pause for my offended face..."or get hit by a bus, we are going to get xxxx to help..."

    More things
    A couple other ancecdotes:

    1. My mother casually saying in the summer that they found a cure for cancer and they will announce it next week....I was like what the hell are you talking about? If there was a cure they whole world media would be on top of it! Plus the fact is that cancer is really 200 different diseases and not one major disease... I think she was just trying to be positive but did not say it correctly.

    2. Waiting to see the oncologist and hearing the assistant who weighs me ask if I am working??? I just wanted to smack him!

    3. So called nutritional experts who tell you to drink only this or eat only that to cure your cancer. I am for hollistic and dietary approaches but people need to remember that cancer is a biological disease! Healthy altletes such as Lance Armstrong got cancer and they were all super healthy! How do people explain that? Plus the fact that people who smoke all their lives and drink who never get cancer at all.

    Okay- done venting!
  • ritawaite13
    ritawaite13 Member Posts: 236
    mario33ec said:

    More things
    A couple other ancecdotes:

    1. My mother casually saying in the summer that they found a cure for cancer and they will announce it next week....I was like what the hell are you talking about? If there was a cure they whole world media would be on top of it! Plus the fact is that cancer is really 200 different diseases and not one major disease... I think she was just trying to be positive but did not say it correctly.

    2. Waiting to see the oncologist and hearing the assistant who weighs me ask if I am working??? I just wanted to smack him!

    3. So called nutritional experts who tell you to drink only this or eat only that to cure your cancer. I am for hollistic and dietary approaches but people need to remember that cancer is a biological disease! Healthy altletes such as Lance Armstrong got cancer and they were all super healthy! How do people explain that? Plus the fact that people who smoke all their lives and drink who never get cancer at all.

    Okay- done venting!

    A bunch of comedians
    You all definately need to do a little stand up. Too funny! My favorite is one I've been guilty of over and over when I go to a funeral or visitation, hug the bereaved and say "how are you?" COME ON!! "How are you"?? Really Rita, can't you do better than that??
    Hugs to you all
    Rita
  • Daisylin
    Daisylin Member Posts: 365

    A bunch of comedians
    You all definately need to do a little stand up. Too funny! My favorite is one I've been guilty of over and over when I go to a funeral or visitation, hug the bereaved and say "how are you?" COME ON!! "How are you"?? Really Rita, can't you do better than that??
    Hugs to you all
    Rita

    How are you??
    I must have been asked that question about 50 times since Lee's passed. (probably even more than that actually) and what do I say the majority of the time? "I'm fine thanks, how are you". So stupid...... even as I'm saying it, I feel like an idiot! I'm fine?????

    Anyways, to add to the dumb things, the posts about nutrition had me laughing. We actually (no, I'm not kidding) bought a juicer for about $200, and tried to make cabbage juice. Kills cancer don't ya know! Oh, god help me, what a disaster! Do not try this at home. The house reeked for weeks, the juicer never lost the smell and the taste was absolutely repulsive. So dumb!
  • Ginny_B
    Ginny_B Member Posts: 532
    Well gosh... what can I say?
    Well gosh... what can I say? I'll just put thoughts on "paper" with no segue. Re"How are you" - I think they want to hear responses like: I'm a wreck, or I'm lost in a fog, or who knows. I think How are you is a mere formality in the face of not knowing what else to ask. Typically, if I hug a bereaved I simply say, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry."

    I have a friend I walk with every morning and she never asks dumb questions. She does allow me to vent and then says "I understand completely". She always ends with "I'm here for you even if you just need an ear." That has always been a sort of just right thing to say.

    I guess people just don't know what to say. I'm sort of always at a loss for words. I certainly would hate to hear someone say I looked like *&^% or that my mom looked terrible. In a sense, there probably just isn't a correct thing to say or ask -- is there?

    Trave; Ahh... now this is (hard to write this as I set here cheering for USC 31-14 over Oregon)... ok travel. I would be the first one to say travel! I love travel. There is nothing (for me) as relaxing and mind/body-soothing as being at sea, or walking down the Chance de elysee at night, or sitting outside overlooking a lake and listening to birds. This is probably like living in the movies, eh?

    Now that I see how my mom is faring with chemoradiation, I realize that there would be no way she could travel. I guess it's all about what the patient can physically do. I guess I'm rambling and not making any sense - the Trojans are looking hot!
  • Ginny_B
    Ginny_B Member Posts: 532
    Daisylin said:

    Zinniemay,
    I'm not sure if you are talking about this site, saying "And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore". I hope we have not said anything, ever to offend you, or anyone else. We all value each other's friendship, support, encouragement and love. If you feel offended by anything we've said here, I am so sorry. We have all vented, cried and shared our opinions to each other honestly, freely and from our own experiences. Sometimes the truth hurts, I know I've read some things here that have shocked and frightened me. BUT I do know that nobody here has ever posted anything purposely meant to offend others. I really hope you have not taken offence to anything we've said.....

    I agree, friends and family do tend to say and do things that make you shake your head. My favourite is all the people who offered to bring food over when Lee started not being able to swallow. They certainly meant well, but part of me wondered if they were thinking "Poor Lee, Chantal's cooking is just so terrible, we'd better bring him something decent to eat" lol

    Anyways, everyone deals with the grief of hearing such bad news differently, and sometimes we all say dumb things. If I had a dollar for every time I told Lee that "we are going to beat this thing", I'd be a rich lady.

    Be well (and Eric, if you are reading this......I'm having my coffee, CHEERS)
    Chantal

    Zinniemay,
    I like your

    Zinniemay,

    I like your posts! You should post more often! I can't spell either, so feel free to post away no matter how you spell. What you have to say is important.