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Help at the end of our road

slg
Posts: 200
Joined: Jan 2010

I am so sorry to have to make this post. We have been fighting this liver cancer for two years now. What an up and down road this has been. After being told a month ago for my husband to go work on his Bucket List and live his life we came home to re-group we started visiting other options. Today our bubble was burst yet again. They basically told us he had had all the treatments that he can take and that his liver is pretty well shot. We were told in a much nicer and compationate way today than last month in Kansas but it still hurts so much. We are at a loss right now and really don't know what to do. I am hoping some of you caregivers who have lost their loved ones can help me with any advice to help during this terrible time in our lives. I am scared for him and scared for myself. I don't know how to live without him. We would be married 40 years in April and now I don't know if he will even be here for it..

womack1424
Posts: 38
Joined: May 2011

I just lost my partner 2 weeks ago, it was very hard but i'm glad I was able to spend the last 6 weeks caring for her. Tell him how much you love him, hold his hand, sing to him, read to him, anything that brings him comfort do it . This is what got me through this time. It is hard now learning to live without her, but I know in time it will get easier, at least i hope it does. There is a song by Point of Grace called How You Live, listen to the words of this song, we had this sung at my partners service and it is very uplifting. Hope this helps a little.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

I could not agree more that the best way to handle this terrible situation is to look for small things to be grateful for. My mom's cancer is a runaway train, too, so now we are grateful for good hours rather than good days.

We started hospice yesterday, and Mom is happy with it, and we are both relieved to be getting help. She was told in August that she had "a few short months" and she has used that time to accept things and prepare for death. It has been amazing to watch, and she really has reached a peaceful place, for her anyway. It's a process.

Good luck with this day. You will probably find that your husband recovers some strength as the effects of treatment wear off. Mom thinks that ending treatment is what made the last couple of months so enjoyable for her.

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

What the others said is all that I would like for myself. Hugs to you and I pray for peace and comfort for the both of you.
Deb

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

To have this time together is a true blessing and gift. Cherish every minute. 40 years is a long time. Hold hands. Talk about happy times and funny times. Cry later.

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

I am sure that I have no words that can make you feel better, but I was just thinking about how we are all going to die someday. We never know when and how, but it will come to all of us and we will have to accept our mortality. Sig, I have been following your posts almost from the beginning, because my husband is also dx with liver cancer and around the same time as your husband. Life has been a gift to us and death may not be the end, no one can say they know what comes for sure. We can only hope our faith will be rewarded and we will some day be with our loved ones again. Today you are both alive and each second of life is still a gift. Hold onto the life you have left with your husband and be happy for them. Time waits for no man , they say, don't waste time worrying about tomorrow or greiving ahead of time. LIVE! Like there is no tomorrow.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1272
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm sorry you have had the news you've had. There will be others who post who will remind you there is no expiration date on any of us. Therefore, you live until there is no life left to live, slg! I realize that sounds so simplistic and I don't mean for it to be.

When we go to bed at night, we don't know which of us might not make it until morning, but we don't spend our days thinking that way, do we?

Look forward to Thanksgiving, then look forward to Christmas, then to Valentine's and then to April, when you will celebrate your anniversary. And congratulations now for 39 years together - that is a miracle and a blessing!

You said you are afraid for him and for yourself: love does know fear, without a doubt. But I hope and pray you are able to focus on each blessed minute you have together.

Hugs to you both.

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

Just want to say how sorry I am for your news. It is never easy no matter what. I remember a few months ago we were told the same about my mother. She died within 6 weeks. The hardest part for us was that my mother did not know she was dying until about 2 weeks before her death. The hardest part is probably over. God will give you stregnth to do what you both need to do. It is a shock right now, but somehow we get through it. you have people praying with you. Although it will take some time, and nothing can seem to make this easier, stregnth will come. I know.

jax568
Posts: 58
Joined: Aug 2011

So sorry for your pain. Strength and peace.

Jackie
husband stage IV EC

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

Angel my husband had colon cancer after 14 months the dr said no hope so his family came to visit and angel loved that When he felt good he would ride his harley but we just hung out together and i would tell him i loved him like 10 x a day we would take little rides but mostly stayed home we did cry alot it was so hard he gave me a surpise b-d party in feb and he died in april but he loved seeing all of us enjoying ourselfs

take care

michelle

he was an awsome husband of 35 yrs
and i will always love him

ldguerra's picture
ldguerra
Posts: 41
Joined: Jul 2011

Sig,

I have only been married to my husband for 6 years but felt like I have known him all my life. He refused treatment when he was told that his Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma has met in brain, that is almost four months ago and I still have to take a deep breath when I recall his decision. We knew that without treatment it would only be a matter of time before he succumbs to his illness. Regardless this information, it has been a difficult journey especially since he has been bed ridden about a month ago, in this time we (me and his daughter) have felt like he was leaving us more than once and somehow come back and each time we are glad he does.Sorry I don't want to make you sad just tell you my story and how I am dealing with this moment. Since I can't hug him nor hold on to him it is more difficult but when we can we have our moments where we say all we have to and want to say so later there is nothing not said when he leaves. On the good days we used to enjoy all we can special little things like me eating in the room and he watching that I have learned to cook his favorite foods. We talk and laugh and cry together. These are the moments that make me keep strong enough not to be a cry baby all the time.

I called his kids and friends and had them come visit and he enjoyed the week with his kids, seeing them eat the food he used to make for them when they were little and remembering with them the moments they had together and when he would so special things for them, he told me basically all the stories of what it was being a father to these kids.

We sit and remember everything we have done together and where we had visited and loved going back. This and all the support I get from my chatter friends and now here in boards, is what keeps me going everyday.

I am sorry for all of us that we have no choice of what we have to endure and that we are going through these horrible moments and I do hope our stories help you in some way to deal with this last hurdle.

Hugs and prayers for both of you.

Laura

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

This is such hard news to hear and to live. I lost my husband of 42 years after a 6 year battle with cancer. Doug always said he wasn't dying from cancer. He was living with it. When he felt up to it, we worked on that bucket list. We laughed together and we cried together. We took short trips, encouraged friends and family to visit. We went out to lunch most days. Doug liked the socializing even when he didn't feel like eating much. I can now look back on the time as a gift. It didn't seem like one at the time, but as one friend said we didn't leave anything unsaid. We talked about everything, even those things I felt guilty asking about like his memorial service. He was a great guy with a wonderful sense of humor and a strong faith. That along with friends and family made those final days bearable.

I don't have words of wisdom, just some experience. I, too, could not picture living alone, but I can. I don't like it, but I am a survivor. I try to live my life as he would have wanted. I know he would have wanted me to be happy, and I am. I am also lonely. The hurt doesn't go away, but most of us learn to cope. Actually, right now I am not alone. A mother and her two children are living with me temporarily. She doesn't have family nearby and just separated from her husband. Doug would have wanted me to reach out to her. Life is full of surprises.

My number one suggestion would be to contact hospice. The sooner the better. That can help. I'm sorry you need them, but glad they are there. Beyond that, say I love you and hug often. Take care of yourself. Fay

slg
Posts: 200
Joined: Jan 2010

I find it amazaing that I get more support from complete strangers than friends and family. No one knows the pain this has become than someone who has also experienced it. Sometimes I am so angry, at him, at our primary physician and our friends who are clueless and say the most inappropriate things and to one of our daughters and a family of lifelong friends who have distanced themselves from us in our time of need.
How do I keep it together....

Noellesmom
Posts: 1272
Joined: Aug 2010

The days are short, it seemed to me, but the nights become interminable. I find it amazing that after all our years of civilization, cultural development and, of course, the flickering light of the television that nighttime can still be the most overwhelming of times...

Now, that was rambling, I know.

Take one day at a time, slg. You can't do any more than that.

Hugs.

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

We all continue to pray for you and your husband. We need you as much as you need us and even though your thank you is appreciated, it's us who need to say thanks. Thanks for sharing your journey, which is such a personal and painful one for you. Stay strong.

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