Nov 14, 2011 - 11:04 am
Hello Friends ... I'm struggling emotionally today.
I go for my 9 month PET CT, exam and labs next week and I feel so down right now. I can't seem to get myself "living fully again" like I did pre-diagnosis. I feel burdened in some way and even 9 months out can not get this "off my back" so to speak. I hate to say it, but I seemed to take this diagnosis on as a "role" in some way and can't shift back to living as I used to ... I want to be "me" again. Where is that healthy, strong, courageous, happy me??? Do you ever feel that way?? I want her back ...
I was early stage when diagnosed more than a year ago ... NED as of my last PET CT, Labs and exam, but can't seem to revel in that good news ... I more feel the fear still more than the jubilation.
I worry that It will come back. And I worry that because I worry it WILL come back ... I never wanted this, I don't want it now and I want to erase it from my history .... but I know I can't. I know there's learning in this for me...but can't seem to GET THERE...to the learning and thankfulness.
What is your journey like? Do you struggle with these feelings? How did you get there??
Does this make sense ... a day doesn't go by that I don't "think" about "it". I want a day when I realize, "gee, I didn't think about it!" Does that happen?
Do you have days now that you are "thought and worry free?" I worry less ... but its there still.
Input dear Friends??? xoxo
9 months out ... thinking I should be further along emotionally ... what do you think?