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Lost my mom - lost without her...

MJ E.
Posts: 3
Joined: Nov 2011

I lost my mom on September 15th. It is the hardest thing in my life. Early July, she has a little stomach pain, sharp pain, we went to ER and after waiting 14hrs, they tell us it's probably a cancer that spread. She had a mass in her pancreas, colon and metastatic a bit everywhere in her lungs.

They gave us an appointement a month later to actually see the oncology doctor (not the ER med) and I found it ridiculous that we had to wait 1 month before getting the real truth while my mom was in pain. I kept calling until I got and appointment 2 weeks later. When they announced the news it was so hard to take. I haven't been sleeping since July..

All I did is see my mom suffer, be in pain and not being able to help her. Everyday was a challenge. The doctors couldn't find a pill that will help ease her pain. After the first palliative chemo treatment, she got a diverticulitis which is an inflamation in the whole abdomen, we rushed to ER, she had to stay there 4 days in pain, without food or water until they healed the inflamation. Then she got 1 week off chemo. 3rd treatment, she got a little blockage where she couldn't go to the washroom anymore, and she was in tons of pain. Imagine not being able to go to the washroom for 10 days...her belly got huge, it seemed like her tumor got bigger too, we could actually see it, the big lump through her belly. 4 treatment, total blockage so they couldn't do it. She stayed in the hospital about 10 days, in pain, no food no water, only on IV. She was still concious. They tried everything, laxatives, washes, a mini operation and nothing...

On the weekend, she seemed fine, she had more energy, talked to visitor and even sat for a bit in the lobby so I decided to go home and rest. Next morning, she hadn't called like usual at 7am... I rushed to the hospital with my sister and cousin and we find her yelling in pain, with fever, sweating only to find out hours later that her colon ruptured. (We are convinced that the resident that morning that came to touch her belly caused the rupture, she told us taht the pain started as soon as he left her room).

Then, they started giving her morphine because there was nothing more they can do. I saw so many traumatising things like a brown foam coming out of her mouth while she was half awake, her breathing pattern change, her hands and feet become purpleish. I am still traumatised by everything I saw..

At the end, she died peacefully in my and my sister's arms. I'll never forget that moment. My life shattered to pieces...

I really hope she is in a better place but I miss her so much and don't know how I will be able to deal with all this. She didn't deserve it. She was such a nice person that always put everyone first. She didn't have an ounce of mean in her :( I am only 31 and my sister 26. We are not orphins and it hurts so much because we were all so close.....

My heart goes to the people that lived something similar, it's the worst pain ever... :(
MJ

Kadykel
Posts: 11
Joined: Jan 2011

I understand. We lost our mom to cancer on October 29. A very short time ago and we are all dealing with it the best we can. We are questioning many things that happened as our mom was doing really well with treatments and then it rapidly changed. Multiple visits to the hospital the past six weeks, surgeries, procedures and she was never out of pain. I do know what that is like.

Just know that there are others who know your pain and hurt and understand. You always need your mom, no matter how old you are. There is an empty spot in my heart which I will try to fill by remembering her and knowing that God has a plan for us to be together as a family again some day.

MJ E.
Posts: 3
Joined: Nov 2011

So sorry you lost yours as well... its really difficult especially all the images of the end of her life that stay in my head.

Yours is so fresh too... I really hope you get all the support you can from friends and family...

It does help a little knowing we are not alone in this journey.

Take care of yourself xoxo

Both our moms are no longer suffering.. maybe they even met in heaven and became friends ; )

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

I don't think it can be said too often - people who go through what you went through, MJ, suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. We are not equipped to see the people we love go through such a death.

There is help for people with PTSD and I hope you will talk to your doctor. Time is a great healer, although it will not seem so right now, especially to someone of your young age. You and your sister both need to get help if you show any signs of not moving on and letting go of the worst of the images. It is not that you want to forget your mother or that you have lost her: it is just not necessary nor advisable to replay the horrific things you saw over and over again. It is not what your mother would have wanted: no mother would, MJ.

I am glad you and your sister have each other. That is important.

Please realize you are not alone in youe experiences: there are people here every day who have experienced such trauma. Some will answer you and some will read what you write and take strength from knowing others have gone through such an experience.

Hugs. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

MJ E.
Posts: 3
Joined: Nov 2011

Thank you everyone... very nice messages... it does hurt, everyday, but it`s true that we are not alone... xoxo

radevaelena
Posts: 10
Joined: Nov 2011

So sorry to hear about everyone's loss...I lost my mom to breast cancer Oct 27th...I think Ka****l said what I feel..."You always need your mom, no matter how old you are. There is an empty spot in my heart which I will try to fill by remembering her and knowing that God has a plan for us to be together as a family again some day."...It's just so hard...

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

hello MJ,

I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in April. The circumstances were pretty similar. I was her primary caregiver . Unfortunately, her cancer was diagnosed while we were in hospital i.e her last few days. For three months, my mother suffered in pain, she had sleepless nights because the pain killers given to her were not strong enough.

I come from an African background where people are rarely encouraged to talk about their feelings. All through after her death, people kept telling me not to cry. so what happened was that i never really got to grieve. Months after, I sometimes find myself crying all alone in the house unable to do anything. But afterwards, I get some sort of relief.

This group has also helped me deal with a lot. I used to think that i was alone in all this pain but now when i read peoples' stories, i feel I am not alone. Take heart MJ, like someone said before, time heals all wounds. The pain never really goes away but you slowly learn to live one day at a time.

Our mothers are definitely in a better place, with no pain and im sure much happiness.
Take care of yourself and sister,find comfort in each other and don't be afraid to release your emotions.
I am praying for you and your family.
Hugs
Wangari.

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Dearest MJ E. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother and relate to you 100%. My mother died from metastatic cancer from the Thyroid (initially thyroid cancer). The year 2011 has been the worst year of our entire lives. I don't want to get into too much detail because I would need a book but to give you a quick overview, my mom was misdiagnoses as having acid reflux before they figured out she had stage 4 Thyroid Cancer which killed her. One stubborn doctor would not give her the proper testing and by the time I figured it out, it was beyond spread. My sister, my dad and I were with her on her dying day and our life shattered as did yours. My mom was unconscious, however, she knew we were there because one of her little eye was open and she was crying. I wiped away her tears and whispered to her it's ok to go with her god. It sickens me inside because I know she didn't want to die and I know she wanted to say things to us. I know the rattling of the breathing all too well and the discharge. I can remember screaming my head off when the heart monitor decreased and she must have heard me because her heart went back up for another 2 hours. The suffering my mom had from her cancer was unbelievable. I cannot believe a human being can go through this let alone my sweet, wonderful mother who had a heart of pure gold. She took her last breath at 12:00. I am devastated MJ. I am 41 and even though you are much younger and your sister, I feel ever ounce of your pain because I was super close with my mom. I went to all her appointments, I would take her everywhere, she helped raise my 3 sons and I just miss her painfully. I cry and cry and I don't sleep much. I eat only to function. Everyone says time heals but I am finding as time passes I'm hurting more and more. As you wrote, this is by far the worst pain ever. I believe in god, heaven but I need a sign that she is ok and not afraid. I am so so sorry again for the loss of your momma. My heart aches bad and I don't know when this aching will get better. I am glad that you have your sister to be together and that you are so close. Never loose that bond. My sister has helped me but nothing anyone can say will make me feel better right now.

I wish you the best.

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