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30 days today I lost my Michael

Geri1959
Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

Well it is 30 days today I have gone back to work well only for two days.
This week I will try to do 5 days, his parents are having a mass for him On Nov 15th it will be in Italian I don;t understand Italian, and I feel I should go, but I don;t want to.
For me I feel like we will be having a the funeral all over again, I want to keep moving I don;t want to go back again, I have my moments WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!

this is so hard it has changed me I am not the same person I was 5 weeks ago, I am alone now I have never been alone in 35 years, I feel gulity when I enjoy things but I keep on doing things that make me feel better but then I feel bad.!!!!

THANKS

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

Geri, you and I are the same path. My Don passed away on Oct 5th also. I just finished my first full week back at work. We were together for 30 years. I understand what you say about being alone. Life will never be the same either of us. I like to think of my life with Don as the most wonderful chapter in the novel called "my life". I miss him so much, but I know what he would say if he was here. He never gave up. He always was positive. When I would go home from the hospital just to shower he always said, "Have fun Babe." My hospice grief counselor told me when we feel guilty for laughing or enjoying something it's called "Joy Guilt". She said it's normal. So far I haven't done anything she says is a red flag. I have a lot of trouble concentrating and keeping my focus. I lose things all the time. I head for the store and then drive past it. lol She says our brains are in survival mode and anything beyond survival is just not a priority at this time. Will keep you in my prayers as we learn to live then next chapter of our lives. Hugs!

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

Geri, you and I are the same path. My Don passed away on Oct 5th also. I just finished my first full week back at work. We were together for 30 years. I understand what you say about being alone. Life will never be the same either of us. I like to think of my life with Don as the most wonderful chapter in the novel called "my life". I miss him so much, but I know what he would say if he was here. He never gave up. He always was positive. When I would go home from the hospital just to shower he always said, "Have fun Babe." My hospice grief counselor told me when we feel guilty for laughing or enjoying something it's called "Joy Guilt". She said it's normal. So far I haven't done anything she says is a red flag. I have a lot of trouble concentrating and keeping my focus. I lose things all the time. I head for the store and then drive past it. lol She says our brains are in survival mode and anything beyond survival is just not a priority at this time. Will keep you in my prayers as we learn to live then next chapter of our lives. Hugs!

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

I am feeling all the same emotions that everyone here are feeling. My thing now is trying to get all the tax papers together. I don't want too, my husband took care of all that. Every little thing is just so hard for me. When I was taking care of him I could just about do anything. Now it just so hard to focus, do all the things that I have to do, that HAS to be done. There is just so much, all I want to do is cover my head and lay in bed! If I could just get over these taxes, if if if? Then what? It's all so overwhelming! What if I don't do the stupid taxes? Whats the worse thing that could happen to me? Got to go cover my head.

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

Geri, you and I are on the same path. My Don passed away on Oct 5th also. I just finished my first full week back at work. We were together for 30 years. I understand what you say about being alone. Life will never be the same either of us. I like to think of my life with Don as the most wonderful chapter in the novel called "my life". I miss him so much, but I know what he would say if he was here. He never gave up. He always was positive. When I would go home from the hospital just to shower he always said, "Have fun Babe." My hospice grief counselor told me when we feel guilty for laughing or enjoying something it's called "Joy Guilt". She said it's normal. So far I haven't done anything she says is a red flag. I have a lot of trouble concentrating and keeping my focus. I lose things all the time. I head for the store and then drive past it. lol She says our brains are in survival mode and anything beyond survival is just not a priority at this time. Will keep you in my prayers as we learn to live then next chapter of our lives. Hugs!

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

See I have a problem.... lol

Geri1959
Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi Hart1249,
you and I are on the same journey... tell me about the love you lost, I so relate I find it hard to consentrate, I work with some very great extrodinary people that are very understanding in allowing me to take baby steps... I seem okay but when ever I have to deal with paper work regaurding his death ... that is very hard for me thanks care dear hart

hart1249
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2011

Geri,
I miss Don so much... We were together 30 years (married 28 years last March 17th). I'm send you a link to a video our youngest daughter made for his Celebration of Life. Maybe it will show you a little of our story. Don was diagnosed on May 26th with Renal Cell Cancer. He had surgery to remove the kidney June 4th. We were told they got it all and he would need no chemo or radiation. On July 12th he was home alone while I was a work. He was unable to speak and was feeling ill so he called 911 and made noise until the police came. The officer called an ambulance. In the ER I was told the cancer had spread to his brain. He had four tumors and it was inoperable. They did 15 whole brain radiation treatments followed by chemo which was so suppose to go on every week for a year or two. On August 12th he had a seiure and again was unable to speak. He was in the hospital a week in June, a week in July, a week in August. We thought we were going to get through September. We had a cruise planned for February 2012. The doctor suggested we go sooner. We were suppose leave on October 15th. September 28th he was having trouble breathing and back by ambulance to the hospital. Cancer was now in the lungs and the brain tumors had grown. We were told very aggressive and resistant to everything they through at it. Came home from the hospital with Hospice and I was told he had 2-3 months. He lived 30 hours. I can't explain the shock. The broken heart. He never ever thought he wasn't going to beat this. He told me not to worry he would be fine. He went to sleep and was gone. I can't believe it's been a month. It's hard to imagine my life with out my guy. Every morning I wake up and say Good morning Babe. At night I say, Good night Baby! I love you! We did everything together. People teased us about being joined at the hip. But, we were best friends. That's part of the problem for me now. Neither of us really worked very hard at outside relationships. I have wonderful co-workers who are very kind. But you still have to come home at night.
Please please tell me the story of you and Michael. Maybe we can help each other through this.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Geri,
My husband died 20 months ago & it still hurts. You're right, it does change us and we'll never be the same again. We were married 46 years, so feel like 1/2 of me is gone. It's so hard to go on, and to be responsible for everything now. Tom did everything and now if something breaks in the house, I panic!!
No one understands unless they've been through it. Some people expect you to get back to normal so quick, but that's not an easy thing to do.
Hang in there, we'll all get through being alone. This website is so great cause everyone has gone through it and knows how we feel. "Carole"

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Double post

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Take the word "should" out of your vocabulary for awhile and do what is right for you. Grief is personal and we all have to deal with it in our own way. Hopefully, his family will understand if you chose not to attend the Mass. Now is the time to take care of yourself. That may sound selfish to some, but it isn't. It is just plain survival. They are doing what they think is right for them. It doesn't make it right for you. And try not to feel guilty about enjoying some things. Healing is a good thing. He would have wanted you to move forward. I know I keep repeating myself, but time does help. Baby steps. One at a time. Fay

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1971
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Geri,

I'm sorry your Michael passed away.
As Fay says, grief is individual and it's a process that takes time.

Don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself. You are working your way
back to a new normal for you. It's going to be tough for awhile
but you will get there.

You are always welcome here.

Hugs and good wishes,

Jim

Noellesmom
Posts: 1271
Joined: Aug 2010

Oh, Geri, a mass in Italian sounds beautiful! Is it something Michael would have appreciated?

I know this sounds like a sad, sorrowful thing to go through and I ache for you. In my faith, memorial services or funerals are held quickly and I've often thought more quickly than they should be. Grieving, as it has been written here, is a process that is particular to the individual and none of it can be hurried or slowed.

A mass should be thought of as a celebration of that person's life, and, Geri, the opportunity to celebrate Michael's life is a gift you should give yourself.

It may not be easy, but it will be worthwhile. Use it as another step toward closure, a magnificent wind that comes in with tears but brings the freshness of a new life, allowing you to embrace the fact you are still alive with a God-given mind and will of your own.

Guilt is a thief: you've had enough taken from you. Do not allow guilt to be part of your recovery process any longer than it takes to recognize it for what it is and then shake it off. Guilt is a waste of emotion in times like these. Guilt exists to make us a better person by keeping us from doing things that are wrong: there is nothing wrong with experiencing pleasure after such as loss - indeed, normal, everyday pleasures may seem sinfully sweet, simply because they are measured against such sadness.

Hugs, Geri. You are going to get through all of this.

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