Nov 04, 2011 - 5:23 pm
I’m not sure what’s struck me, but the past week, being hit with more news, It’s as though I’m just not feeling.
I have posted many times on the Brain Cancer discussion board, sharing and gathering information for my boyfriend and for myself with his grade II Oligodendroglioma at 29 years of age. When this all started I was very emotional, very angry, it would hit me in waves! Then as I would learn, I became more calm, but it was still always with me. Now I have received the call that my grandpa has colon cancer. No one had wanted to tell me (they all knew for a while) but in fear of how I would react because of my boyfriend’s cancer, they left me out of the loop. I cried for a few minutes and then…. Nothing.
I have been able to speak of my boyfriend’s cancer the past few days as though it does not affect me, I have been able to speak of my grandpa like nothing is happening. Just serious, to the point and on I go without a thought in mind. I’m not sure I can explain it right without sounding as though I’m heartless. I feel nothing. I’m not upset. I’m not emotional. I’m not angry. I’m not sad… I am nothing!
Have I finally cracked? I do know, I can speak of everything involving it, everything surrounding it, but the word cancer is like vomit out of my mouth. I feel sick every time I have to say it.
Not sure there is even a way to respond to this. Just felt the need to vent. When does it stop?!
How can I be the type of support needed for both the loved ones in my life if I'm unable to even show care or concern? It's there, but somthing has been so different since the news of my grandpa.