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depressed-help

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

I am having a rough day, sort of. I know I should not be. I feel like I am just in a war zone. I would think that I would be happy, but I find myself in a bad mood. I am thinking about my mother... last year around this time, I was on a rollercoaster with her. I am sort of anticipating her anniversary death date. I find myself sad all day thinking of her and what she was going through around this time. We had been in and out of the hospital, then she was put in hospice. She did not understand that she was dying. As I look at my husband, I am just grieving. Can someone talk me through this time? I feel like it is a fairy tale--a sad one--- when I see my spouse. Just like my mom, eventually the day will come. I get so mad!

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

Dear Jackie,
You hit the nail on the head when you titled your discussion "depressed-help". If after a year of grieveing for your mom, you have still not come to a peace, and are severly depressed you may need to seek some professional help to resolve your grief. Prolonged grief is strength sapping and counter productive to the life you should be living. I know from my own experience with grief over my mom's death. I went into such a funk that I should have sought out professional help to help me move on with my life. Instead I moved backward or stayed stagnant year after year, reliving over and over the most traumatic part of my life. I just couldn't get happy again. I didn't even want to be happy without my mom. This behavior destroyed a relationship and also my ability to be a good mother to my children. I feel very bad about all that now, and wish I had sought help. Sooner or later we work through it on our own no matter how long it may take, but my family and I suffered needlessly. Don't make my mistake. I hope you can work through this soon, you do deserve to live your life, and be happy.

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

well, it hasn't been quite a year---She died in January of this year. It was just that around this time, she started going down. In the mean time, my 43 year old husband---I think I told someone 41 (so much I am stuck), my husband has stage iv breast cancer. I am angry sometimes because it is a waiting game. Reminds me so much of mom. I have days where the grief will come out of nowhere. I know that the holidays are rolling around. We usually spend all of our time at her house. Today, I just went there---depression. I miss my mom so much, and watching my husband of 15 years is devastating--as I watch him deteriorate. My 11 year old and I are in counseling. My husband won't go. All I can do is pray. In the mean time, the pain I feel of the losses I am experiencing is not wanting to move right now. I lost 3 generations of my family within weeks apart. My mother's grandma died a week before my mom. My mom's aunt died 1 month after my mom. I just lost my dad's brother to stomach cancer. My dad's other brother was turned over to hospice 2 days ago for late stage pancreatic cancer. This cancer thing is crazy in my family.
But I know it will get better one day.

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Jackie,

I know I have said this before, but I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I know that the depression is up and down for you right now, and that is perfectly normal. You never fully recovered from the grief of your Mother, and your husband has been fighting breast cancer for quite a long time. Now facing the loss of you husband, it becomes an ever ending battle for freedom from grief. You are right, there will come a time when your grief will ease, and won't be in such great waves. None of us can know when that will happen, and you will remain strong as we never know how strong we are until strong is all we have. None of this makes the loss and grief any easier for now. You came to the right place to talk about it and I am very happy to see you and your son are in therapy (even if your husband does not participate). As you near the anniversary of your Mother's passing, it will likely become stronger waves of grief and sadness, along with the your husband's journey coming to an end. I pray that you can lean on someone close by you (not your son) that has experienced these losses along side you, so you are comforted by this person. If not, please do not hesitate to lean this way. I know we don't know each other personally, but I to am in the preparation process of losing my husband of 16 years. We can bend each others ear when ever over what ever! There is no easy button for this and all we can do is all we can do. But somewhere in the middle of all that is "enough".

Hugs and Love to you!
-Michelle

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

You are right; I did not take the time to grieve or come to terms with my mother's death. I became her caretaker. In her last few months, I went to every dr. appointment; I stayed every night at the hospital, and would check on my husband over in the night. I stayed up all night with her in the last few nights because she couldn't sleep. I still smell her, hear her and see her. I sometimes smell her clothes that I kept. So much of my husband's walk is similar to my mother's. I know I will be okay...sometimes I try to cry, but I can't. I just miss her. Yesterday the phone rang, and before I reached to get it, I said, I bet that's momma!

I am so trying to be just as happy for my husband. He has a lot of good days. When we thought he was on his way out...he started feeling better. We have been able to do a lot. I just can't let go of the thought that he may die soon---I really don't know, but thinking about his prognosis...It's like my mom. One day she was up like she did not have an ounce of cancer... her voice would be so strong on the other end. The next day she could barely talk. This went on for months.
Thank you for listening to me. I am so glad I found someone who listens and understand.

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Jackie,
ANYTIME! That is what we CAN do for each other is listen and just "be". I know things get hard and they get even harder at times, but there is good to be had, it just gets lost in all the trauma of it all. I will be here as long as I can, and some day I will be the one screaming, crying, and losing it I am sure. As for not crying, it may be an emotional block or buffer, but I do hope that you can cry at some point as it does release all those endorphins. I'm right here with ya girl!

Hugs!
-Michelle

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Jackie, the season is bringing me the same plate of problems, but not nearly as bad as you have it (sending hugs and a cookie). Ten years ago my dad got sick and then sicker, and he died in early January. Now I'm taking care of Mom and it's nightmare November all over again. It's horrible to watch, but what choice do we have?

Grieving pain is so normal and unavoidable and it seems like a waste of energy, but you do come out the other side. Sometimes the thought that gets me through is the Buddhist wisdom that change is constant, everything is temporary.

jax568
Posts: 58
Joined: Aug 2011

You are getting some wonderful words and advice. I am so sorry for your pain. My husband is stage IV, I have been grieving for him since the day I heard the news.At first I was in really bad shape. Three months later I feel like a new person. Did it get easier, or am I ok with it all, no not at all. I needed help and fast. I turned to a doctor and medication. I know medication is a personal choice but I agreed to an anti depressant and with some time I was a new person. I haven't stopped grieving, crying or even feeling down, it just doesn't consume me any longer. All these feelings are needed.

I am trying to live one day at a time
refuse to spend my entire day thinking of what tomorrow will bring
enjoy my husband, children and the life we have together right now.

I hope you feel some comfort soon.

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

Thank you for the wonderful words of encouragement. Some days I don't know what to do. I have taken Wellbuterin (excuse spelling) and Lexapro because at one time I was having a meltdown quite often. But I found that antidepressants do not work for me. I had to continue to lean on my faith. While on the meds, it seem like I needed it more and more...I did not want to become addicted and I began to feel like I wasn't trusting in God enough. Don't get me wrong, meds have their place. I don't have anything against taking meds. I knew that I had to get myself together emotionally and spiritually. Anyway, counseling has worked, because I have been allowed to vent a little. NOw, if I could just get these bills out of the way...my house cleaned from top to bottom...get organized, and just have about 3 days of R and R. I believe I would do better. I haven't slept in...and had someone to wait on me in forever. I guess I should not be whining...but caretakers, you know you want to rest and get rejuvenated!

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