Oct 28, 2011 - 11:06 pm
It is the middle of the night and I am at John Hopkins. It is dark and I am typing on my apple computer. My beautiful sister is resting in her bed from the surgery. It went well: the cyst is drained the reservoir is in place and she is neurologically intact. Emotionally, well that is another story.
This whole ordeal makes no sense to me. I have so much anger and so much sadness. I also have so much love for my sister.
There are few things that I know people tell me because they try to console me, but it just sounds so horribly wrong. I usually smile and nod and say thank you. But to you guys, I can tell the truth and speak my mind:
1) The Cancer made you appreciate life to the fullest. NOT TRUE. Kat and I appreciated life to the fullest before the diagnosis. We travelled, we loved our family, did tons of hobbies like horsebackriding, skiing, figure skating, playing the piano. We had dinner parties. We knew how lucky we were. Never took it for granted. I am a physician, so I see death all the time. I was living in the present.
Now, we can't travel, we can't ski, we are terrified.
2) What does not kill you will make you stronger. The stupiest thing I EVER heard. Kat and I were -and still are- strong women. She is a PhD astrophysicist, a natural born leader, able to lecture in international conferences at the age of 28 years old. On the other hand, cancer can kill you.
3) Everything happens for a reason: RIDICULOUS. Misery happens for a reason? The tsunami? The Hollocaust? The child sexually abused?
4) How are you? OK, I can't really fault people for that. They are being nice. My answer is usually: depends on the hour. It is not I have good days and bad days. I have good hours and bad hours.
goodnight to all,