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close friends have backed off kind of...

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I have just realized that lately my phone isn't ringing as often. For those that don't know me and would like to comment, my mom is suffering deeply with bone mets. When my close friends found out, they called me and e mailed me every day asking how she's doing and if I need anything. I am not one to ask for anything but it was still nice that they would offer. This past month I have gotten sick myself from Pneumonia. I am much better now but still recovering. Anyways, a friend who I thought was one of my best friends hasn't even bothered calling and my other best friend does call but really talks about her problems. Is it true that when people find out there is cancer around, they back away or am I just paranoid??? I know everyone has their own life but they would always call...It is not what I always talk about but yes, I bring up my sweet mom. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the support of this amazing site. THANK YOU ALL FOR ALWAYS WRITING BACK, cheering me up, giving me hope and making me feel i'm not alone. xoxo

Noellesmom
Posts: 1308
Joined: Aug 2010

It's like with anything else - the newness of the diagnosis wears off and people assume you are getting all the help you need.

And, too, cancer and terminal illness of any sort is overwhelming for many people. With cancer, they may even remember the really awful way everyone with terminal cancer used to die. No one would want to witness that if they didn't have to so they tend to stay away.

Pick up the phone and give one of these friends a call with a specific request - maybe just picking up paper towels or whatever. Just something to re-establish contact.

Hugs. I know you are in a rough place.

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

it is common I think for them to back off a little sometimes it is because they feel you have it all undercontrol and just don't need their helpl. The suggestion to reach out and ask for something little will open that door again. Then there are the ones who realize your mom is not going to get better and they just don't know how to handle it, they don't want to see you in pain and they know this is going to be very hard on you and they just don't know what to say to make it better. I would call your best friend and tell her can we get together for lunch and sit down with her and tell her how you are feeling she may not even know you are feeling this way. As always we are here for you on this site but you also need friends around you that you can sit down and talk with her we are just words on a screen it is nice to put a face to who you are talking with.

Anne

P.S. Hugs to a very good friend can you feel the hug lol

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I know you are right, I think she doesn't know what to say anymore. At this point I don't know what to say either but I will tell her how I'm feeling when the time is right. Today my mom is worse, my dad has this sadness in his eyes that I just want to cry uncontrollably but I don't in front of him. Anne, I am just so so sad. I don't know what else to do. Sorry if I sound like a broken record. I look at pictures of this plumpy vibrant woman who always smiled and see her now, so thin, so frail, so down. I don't think my sister has even grasped how bad it is as she tells me she will get better. thank you as always and praying for you and everyone with Cancer :(

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

You have gotten some good advice and reflections from those on this posting and I don't have much more to add except for one thing. If you don't ask for help, people will drift away and get on with their lives thinking you are fine. That is one thing I had to realize when I wsa diagnosed and that was that if I portrayed things as being 'not too bad' or 'fine' if people asked then they just assumed that I was fine. The second time I was diagnosed I changed and asked for help or took people up on their help instead of suffered on my own. Reach out if you need help the chances are people just think you have your plate full with your Mum and maybe even too busy to chat over lighter things as you have so many serious issues to deal with. You have to ask.

I should say at this point that I too have had who I thought were close friends myself and the phone doesn't ring that often here either anymore. It was a big shock but common when cancer hits a person or one becomes the caregiver to someone with it. The reasons for this are probably mutliple reasons including not giving people a true image of how needy you might be at the time, facing their own mortality through knowing of your Mom's situations, being uncomfortable with the whole idea of cancer itself and so many more reasons too numerous to mention. I guess the main thing is don't take it personally. Of course you will want to talk about it often as it's the most important issue in your life right now and true friends should understand but for one reason or another some just have a hard time being around the issue.

Anyways I hope at least one bit I have offered helps you in some little way. All the best and remember you are not alone in it all you have this site.

Blessings,

Bluerose

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

do you know my favorite flower is a blue rose. My son made me a picture last week of blue roses so beautiful. What you are saying is right completely and for the 2 friends I believe they are really uncomfortable around the situation. I will ask for help when I need it forsure and honestly, after I write on this site, it is my therapy and I feel somewhat better and that you all understand me. I hope you are doing well now and I really thank you for writing. It's getting colder here in Canada - I think you're from Ottawa? I'm from Montreal and hate the cold along with cancer :) god bless you and sending big hug.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I didn't know you were in Canada, not too far from me. Cool. You know that we have a site like this from Toronto don't you? It's not as established as this one but it's pretty unique. It is from Princess Maragret Hospital in Toronto which is the biggest cancer hospital in Canada I believe. The site is called Caring Voices - check it out. The cool thing about it is that they have chatrooms but they are mostly used for meetings that anyone can go to that are about a bunch of subjects but the different thing is that they are run by professionals at Princess Margaret. There is a radiation technician and specialist who runs some and one is run on health care costs and another has a famous oncologist running the meeting. You can register on that site and look around it. The chatrooms there are usually empty, most post on the boards there but you can look at the calendar of meetings and attend one. Often you and maybe one other person goes to them so you can ask the specialists questions for a whole hour if you want. It's pretty unique. Anyone in the world can attend. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Ya, coming to this site always helps people to feel so not alone in it all, it's a blessing for sure.

Yes I have loved blue roses for years since I read that Tennasee Williams play The Glass Menagerie and the main character, Laura, had the nickname of Blueroses. I have a glass menagerie too because of the play. lol. Little clear tiny glass animal collection. Unfortunately a real blue rose is impossible to grow in nature although many have tried. They always come out looking lavendar or pinkish but not true blue.

You can get a florist to dye white roses to blue if you want to see what real ones would look like. They put a special floral dye in the water and then put cut white roses in the vase and leave them for several hours and the roses suck up the dye and the petals turn blue. I actually ordered some for myself one year and they were gorgeous. I told them I wanted pale blue. I dried them and still have them in a vase. They will also spray paint white roses but that's not a good way of doing it - they look so fake and don't last long. Cheaper but not worth it. Ask for blueroses that are dyed for your next birthday or something, they are gorgeous.

Anywho hope you have a good day.

Take care of you.

Blessings,

Bluerose

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I hadn't heard about the Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto but I will definatley look up the site very appreciated. I will also ask for blue roses for my birthday or my anniversary :) I have seen them and they are just stunning. Today my mom is having such an awful day actually I find as the days are going on, she is getting worse and worse. A friend of mine suggested that maybe she should be admitted in hospital but my mom would never ever hear of this and nor would my dad. I cannot wait until Nov 9th to tell her doctor she is suffering unbelievable from the pain and needs something stronger or better. Is your health better now? I pray for you and all of us. Wishing you a good rest of the day. I'm back at work as of tomorrow (was off for a month because of pneumonia) and I may not be able to go on the site as often but always know I think about every one who has touched my life and you are not part of it. Thank you with all my heart. Tina

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

That is the only way your sister can deal with your mom having cancer is by thinking she will get better. I think she knows how bad but does not want to admit the fact that she could lose her mom. I know it is hard looking at your mom and seeing the cancer and not your mom it has to be hard and then seeing the sadness in your dads eyes is making it much harder on you. Remember when we first started talking I told you to lean on your husband it will make him feel like he is doing something to help you and it will make you feel better. Don't be sorry for telling me anything that is why I am here for you like I said before it helps me to keep my mind off my own cancer problems :) love ya and talk with you later.

Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

sometimes I just feel like shaking her WAKE UP the end is near but I bite my tongue and just yell in my head. On Friday I got mad at my mom because she was just being so difficult and I felt less than a foot tall. I told her though yesterday that I was sorry but I need her to try to cooperate when I tell her to take her medication or to try to get up from time to time. She kissed my hands and I just hugged her. Day by day she is melting and I just look at some pictures of events thinking, on this day she had cancer and we didn't know. at my wedding she had cancer and I didn't know, at my kids baptism and we didn't know. why didn't i pay more attention and push her to go to another doctor when her voice wasn't good. (ok i think i'm crazy) How are you today? I haven't sent an e mail today as my phone is charging but let me know how you're doing when you can and if you celebrated your bday. wihing you a great day my dear friend. lots of love. Tina ALWAYS PRAYING FOR YOU AND US ALL.

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

How I can say that about my battle. For three months I knew something was wrong I went to urgent care four times and my doctor one time but still did not fight for more test. I worked fourty to fifty hours a week and did not realize I was dieing. You can't put that kind of strain on yourself it took me going to the ER to find out I had cancer. It was not until we got the path report that I realized how sick I was I had tissue inside of me dieing and had to have a lot of it removed. I was dieing on the inside yet did not know and continued to work and put my ladies first instead of putting myself first it almost cost me my life. Don't blame yourself it is easy to not realize there is something wrong. I am doing a little better I am sleeping our 15 hours a day so I feel like all I am doing right now is sleeping but my mom did state it is what my body needed but I feeling like I have no life. I will talk with you later.

Anne

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