I'm a daughter.
I cannot imagine how terrifying this must be for her, and I am worried that I will say or do the wrong thing and make her feel worse.
Initially I was going to buy several wigs (some of them really silly, like a bright pink anime wig with cat ears attached) to try and cheer her up by playing dress-up, but then I thought that it was probably very insensitive of me and that it would just be upsetting to imply that she is going to lose her hair because of the treatments.
I emailed her and told her that I love her very much and will support her any way I can, and that I would go with her to the doctors or not, according to her preference, and that I would be here for her whenever she is ready to talk- but EVERYTHING else seems like the wrong thing to say. I really don't know what to do.
Is there anything that you wish someone had said to you, or done for you or the lady in your life with breast cancer, when you or she first found out?
Comments
-
new diagnosis
So sorry to hear of your mother's diagnosis. I was 62 when dx'ed. I remember
my first feelings were shock, then confusion & uncertainty. I think sending the
email was a great thing to do. I really never talked about my bc except to other
survivors who are my age. Let her decide for herself about wigs; one of my friends
is just wearing scarves. Just be there for her. I wish her & you the best.0 -
Your email sounds just
Your email sounds just right. Blessings on you for being such a thoughtful and caring daughter. The wigs may be fun, but I really appreciated the gorgeous scarves that people gave me. I never did get comfortable with wigs. Your mom will share with you as she can. Just knowing you are there surely means a lot to her. xoxoxo Lynn0 -
Share with your mom how you
Share with your mom how you want to help but are not sure what to do. She may have some great ideas. She may also be in shock and not ready to talk about it. We are all sooo different. If this is the case, back off and just offer to take her to lunch or go for a quiet visit.
I don't know if you cook, but she might enjoy someone taking over a meal. Making some soup that can be frozen might be helpful--especially while she is on chemo and needs to increase her fluid intake. It is very nice just to have someone who can go with you to appointments.
Also, you might check with your local ACS and see if you can arrange for you both to go to a "Look Good, Feel Better" meeting. Your mom will get free makeup and lots of tips on how to deal with her changing appearance. They often have scarves there and information about wigs. They will not give you the free makeup, but they will let you go and participate. The meeting is a lot of fun and it helps to be with others who are going through a similar journey.
Look Good Feel Better
http://lookgoodfeelbetter.org/programs0 -
I'm so sorry about your mom.CypressCynthia said:Share with your mom how you
Share with your mom how you want to help but are not sure what to do. She may have some great ideas. She may also be in shock and not ready to talk about it. We are all sooo different. If this is the case, back off and just offer to take her to lunch or go for a quiet visit.
I don't know if you cook, but she might enjoy someone taking over a meal. Making some soup that can be frozen might be helpful--especially while she is on chemo and needs to increase her fluid intake. It is very nice just to have someone who can go with you to appointments.
Also, you might check with your local ACS and see if you can arrange for you both to go to a "Look Good, Feel Better" meeting. Your mom will get free makeup and lots of tips on how to deal with her changing appearance. They often have scarves there and information about wigs. They will not give you the free makeup, but they will let you go and participate. The meeting is a lot of fun and it helps to be with others who are going through a similar journey.
Look Good Feel Better
http://lookgoodfeelbetter.org/programs
It is important that you let your mother take the lead on how she wants to be treated by family and friends. I was 58 when diagnosed almost 3 years ago and I didn't have a sense of humor about any of it. Until surgery, I didn't know the stage for sure and I was terrified. You may want to write a letter of support and ask her to let you know what she needs. Today I am doing great but back then life looked very frightening. She is very lucky to have your support. Just let her know that you are here for her in any way she needs you. Hugs to you and your family.
Roseann0 -
The email was great. Hold
The email was great. Hold off on the wigs. For some this isn't the time for humor it will come later. Right now all she needs to know is that you love her and that your are hear for her. I know for myself I got really tired of people trying to be positive and and upbeat. So just listen to her when she talks.
I went thru 18 rounds of chemo and it really knocked me on my butt. One thing I really appreciated was family and friends coming over and cleaning my house.0 -
I agree with what hassweetvickid said:The email was great. Hold
The email was great. Hold off on the wigs. For some this isn't the time for humor it will come later. Right now all she needs to know is that you love her and that your are hear for her. I know for myself I got really tired of people trying to be positive and and upbeat. So just listen to her when she talks.
I went thru 18 rounds of chemo and it really knocked me on my butt. One thing I really appreciated was family and friends coming over and cleaning my house.
I agree with what has already been said. Let her tell you what she needs and if she knows you are there for her, she will.
You are a wonderful daughter to be so concerned what is the right thing to say, but honestly because we are all so different, there really isn't a right or wrong answer.
It's funny about wigs, I bought 2 before I lost my hair because I was told that was a good idea. I also found that I could never warm up to them. I much preferred scarfs and turbans which were much more comfortable.
Best of luck to you and your mom and you can always come here for anything.
Hugs,
Wanda0 -
Listen, be an ear if she wants to talk!
You have offered your support and love and it's her turn now. Every woman or man has to come to terms with the diagnose. Some take more time than others. It is not easy for some people to open up on such an emotional, physical issues. Give her time.
Do not play the dress up, silly pink card. It's not the time at the moment.
Be there to listen, but don't push her until she is ready to talk about it.
Everyone is terrified at first, especially if diagnose at the late stage. Spreading to your lymph nodes doesn't really mean a whole lot. It does put her in stage 2 or 3. It means the possibility that if she isn't stage IV then in time it could morph into that stage. Many people have a whole lot of nodes involved and they never go to the last stage.
A good book for you to read is Dr. Susan Love's breast book. It was the only book I could read at diagnose.
Best to you, your mom and dad,
Doris0 -
Great AdviseSIROD said:Listen, be an ear if she wants to talk!
You have offered your support and love and it's her turn now. Every woman or man has to come to terms with the diagnose. Some take more time than others. It is not easy for some people to open up on such an emotional, physical issues. Give her time.
Do not play the dress up, silly pink card. It's not the time at the moment.
Be there to listen, but don't push her until she is ready to talk about it.
Everyone is terrified at first, especially if diagnose at the late stage. Spreading to your lymph nodes doesn't really mean a whole lot. It does put her in stage 2 or 3. It means the possibility that if she isn't stage IV then in time it could morph into that stage. Many people have a whole lot of nodes involved and they never go to the last stage.
A good book for you to read is Dr. Susan Love's breast book. It was the only book I could read at diagnose.
Best to you, your mom and dad,
Doris
First of all, you're mom is very lucky to have such a supportive daughter. I'm sure she will really appreciate all your support.
The ladies have provided great advise, not much more to add. I agree with holding off on the wigs, I found loosing my hair one of the hardest and last things to accept. After I got used to the idea, I kinda had the same idea as you. Thought I'd buy a bunch of different wigs and be someone different each day. I purchased two (didn't realize how expensive they were) and haven't worn them very often. I found that the hats and scarfs are much more comfortable.
Praying for you and your family.
Hugs,
Debi0 -
What a sweet daughter youlynn1950 said:Your email sounds just
Your email sounds just right. Blessings on you for being such a thoughtful and caring daughter. The wigs may be fun, but I really appreciated the gorgeous scarves that people gave me. I never did get comfortable with wigs. Your mom will share with you as she can. Just knowing you are there surely means a lot to her. xoxoxo Lynn
What a sweet daughter you are! I think your email is perfect! Sometimes it is so much easier for any of us to write down exactly how we feel and doing this for your Mother, I know, means the world.
Just be there for your Mother, love her, listen to her, cry with her, try to give her strength when she might need it.
The best of luck to your Mother and I will be praying for her.
You are a great daughter!
Lex0 -
Talked to Mom yesterday
...and she was in extremely high spirits. She is a teacher, and talked to some of her colleagues that are breast cancer survivors. She mentioned that one of them had recommended a wigmaker and said that she was going to have a wig made soon, since she would probably lose some hair during chemo. She was *very* excited about getting "gigantic fake boobs" when her treatment is finished, and especially that she wouldn't have to wear a bra anymore once her DDs were "installed".
Her meeting tomorrow with the surgeon is to discuss her treatment plan. She said that there aren't any specialists in bc oncology in my hometown, but the surgeon she is seeing came highly recommended by her colleagues. She doesn't know her stage but said that the cancer had not spread to any of her other parts. Later she mentioned that maybe it just hadn't hit her yet, but she was not really worried.
I offered to drive down to go to her appointment with her tomorrow, but she said it wasn't necessary. I live three hours away from her, and the last thing I want to do is put her in a position where she feels like she has to act differently because of me; I don't want to be a downer when she is feeling chipper. I understand that she may go through a series of conflicting emotions, but I certainly don't want to be morose and concerned when she is cheerfully optimistic!
I will look into Look Good, Feel Better. I think she would really love getting a makeover, and who doesn't like free stuff? She mentioned wanting to start a cosmetic review blog with me yesterday, so I think that a bunch of free stuff would be a great motivator to kick it off. I am very proud of her and her assertion that she is going to "make cancer her b****."
Thank all of you so much for your prayers and support. I really appreciate your kindness and advice, and I hope that I can be helpful in some way to you. My prayers are with you, too.
0 -
You've done a great job!whatisupdog said:Talked to Mom yesterday
...and she was in extremely high spirits. She is a teacher, and talked to some of her colleagues that are breast cancer survivors. She mentioned that one of them had recommended a wigmaker and said that she was going to have a wig made soon, since she would probably lose some hair during chemo. She was *very* excited about getting "gigantic fake boobs" when her treatment is finished, and especially that she wouldn't have to wear a bra anymore once her DDs were "installed".
Her meeting tomorrow with the surgeon is to discuss her treatment plan. She said that there aren't any specialists in bc oncology in my hometown, but the surgeon she is seeing came highly recommended by her colleagues. She doesn't know her stage but said that the cancer had not spread to any of her other parts. Later she mentioned that maybe it just hadn't hit her yet, but she was not really worried.
I offered to drive down to go to her appointment with her tomorrow, but she said it wasn't necessary. I live three hours away from her, and the last thing I want to do is put her in a position where she feels like she has to act differently because of me; I don't want to be a downer when she is feeling chipper. I understand that she may go through a series of conflicting emotions, but I certainly don't want to be morose and concerned when she is cheerfully optimistic!
I will look into Look Good, Feel Better. I think she would really love getting a makeover, and who doesn't like free stuff? She mentioned wanting to start a cosmetic review blog with me yesterday, so I think that a bunch of free stuff would be a great motivator to kick it off. I am very proud of her and her assertion that she is going to "make cancer her b****."
Thank all of you so much for your prayers and support. I really appreciate your kindness and advice, and I hope that I can be helpful in some way to you. My prayers are with you, too.</p>
Just letting her know you are a available for her is SO important. you can point her to this board or you can come back on her behalf, whatever works best. Everyone is very open and answers pretty much any question. And we have some fun too.
Sending prayers for all of you!0 -
Free Scarfskipper54 said:You've done a great job!
Just letting her know you are a available for her is SO important. you can point her to this board or you can come back on her behalf, whatever works best. Everyone is very open and answers pretty much any question. And we have some fun too.
Sending prayers for all of you!
This website will send you a free silk scarf! All you have to do is pick out the one you want and they will send it to you. I got one and they are beautiful! I was so touched when I received mine because they include a handwritten note signed by all the co-workers with encouraging remarks.
Best of luck to you and your mom.....
http://www.franceluxe.com/i/goodwishesscarves/Good+Wishes+Scarves.html0 -
I don't post very oftenwhatisupdog said:Talked to Mom yesterday
...and she was in extremely high spirits. She is a teacher, and talked to some of her colleagues that are breast cancer survivors. She mentioned that one of them had recommended a wigmaker and said that she was going to have a wig made soon, since she would probably lose some hair during chemo. She was *very* excited about getting "gigantic fake boobs" when her treatment is finished, and especially that she wouldn't have to wear a bra anymore once her DDs were "installed".
Her meeting tomorrow with the surgeon is to discuss her treatment plan. She said that there aren't any specialists in bc oncology in my hometown, but the surgeon she is seeing came highly recommended by her colleagues. She doesn't know her stage but said that the cancer had not spread to any of her other parts. Later she mentioned that maybe it just hadn't hit her yet, but she was not really worried.
I offered to drive down to go to her appointment with her tomorrow, but she said it wasn't necessary. I live three hours away from her, and the last thing I want to do is put her in a position where she feels like she has to act differently because of me; I don't want to be a downer when she is feeling chipper. I understand that she may go through a series of conflicting emotions, but I certainly don't want to be morose and concerned when she is cheerfully optimistic!
I will look into Look Good, Feel Better. I think she would really love getting a makeover, and who doesn't like free stuff? She mentioned wanting to start a cosmetic review blog with me yesterday, so I think that a bunch of free stuff would be a great motivator to kick it off. I am very proud of her and her assertion that she is going to "make cancer her b****."
Thank all of you so much for your prayers and support. I really appreciate your kindness and advice, and I hope that I can be helpful in some way to you. My prayers are with you, too.</p>
I don't post very often anymore. My wife finished her treatments almost a year ago. What we apreciated most were the people who would call and say "Who is going to chemo with you? No one? Okay, I'm taking you."; and the food chain that a friend organized for chemo weeks was HUGE. Not having to worry about dinner for those 4 or 5 days was a blessing. Cancer is a long haul. Keeping in contact is key.0 -
Thank you so much!pattimc said:Free Scarf
This website will send you a free silk scarf! All you have to do is pick out the one you want and they will send it to you. I got one and they are beautiful! I was so touched when I received mine because they include a handwritten note signed by all the co-workers with encouraging remarks.
Best of luck to you and your mom.....
http://www.franceluxe.com/i/goodwishesscarves/Good+Wishes+Scarves.html
I went ahead and submitted the form for her. I really appreciate your telling me about this. She is going to love it!0 -
Wig advice...Hubby said:I don't post very often
I don't post very often anymore. My wife finished her treatments almost a year ago. What we apreciated most were the people who would call and say "Who is going to chemo with you? No one? Okay, I'm taking you."; and the food chain that a friend organized for chemo weeks was HUGE. Not having to worry about dinner for those 4 or 5 days was a blessing. Cancer is a long haul. Keeping in contact is key.
You're a wonderful daughter! Your Mom is blessed to have you...I know, I have one like you too!
just a bit of unsolicited advice on a wig....my hairdresser of 20 years gave me the best advice on wigs....first thing he said....DO NOT get a human hair wig! Remember...it has to be groomed just like your own hair....a lot of trouble when you don't feel good....second....get a GOOD synthetic one that has subtle color variations....not one all the exact same color...more natural looking....third...one that has a "natural scalp" color in the front....I took his advice and I was thrilled with the one I got...I actually started wearing it once I has my hair buzzed....most had no idea it was a wig....I bought it BEFORE I lost my hair so the woman could see what my natural hair looked like...also a human hair wig can be VERY expensive...either human hair or synthetic, have her oncologist write a prescription for it...that way she can file it with her insurance...mine paid for it....$199.00....With a synthetic wig, you just shampoo it with wig shampoo, roll it in a bath towel, shake it out and let it dry overnight on a styrofoam head....stick it on, use a wig brush and out the door! You might want to pick up a few tight fitting little caps to wear during the night for her....any wig store sells them...plus lots of great scarves and hats...My head got sooooo cold!
Wishing you the best...and keeping you in my prayers!
Hush, Nancy0 -
I'm so sorry to read aboutskipper54 said:You've done a great job!
Just letting her know you are a available for her is SO important. you can point her to this board or you can come back on her behalf, whatever works best. Everyone is very open and answers pretty much any question. And we have some fun too.
Sending prayers for all of you!
I'm so sorry to read about your Mom. I will be praying for her.
Hugs, Leeza0 -
humor
On the humor thing. Let mom be the one to initiate the humor regarding the bc. That way you will know she is open to this. I made lots of jokes when explaining to my grandkids about how chemo would work. This is because I did not want them to worry. I actually had one of the twins laughing his kiester off in the back seat. Just ask mom what would be the most helpful to her. If dad is not going to the appointments with her then offer to go along as a second set of ears. Some of what is said in the doctor's office could easily go over her head as she processes the news.0 -
Your Mother is lucky to havedebi.18 said:Great Advise
First of all, you're mom is very lucky to have such a supportive daughter. I'm sure she will really appreciate all your support.
The ladies have provided great advise, not much more to add. I agree with holding off on the wigs, I found loosing my hair one of the hardest and last things to accept. After I got used to the idea, I kinda had the same idea as you. Thought I'd buy a bunch of different wigs and be someone different each day. I purchased two (didn't realize how expensive they were) and haven't worn them very often. I found that the hats and scarfs are much more comfortable.
Praying for you and your family.
Hugs,
Debi
Your Mother is lucky to have such a wonderful daughter and you truly are! I will be praying for her and your family.0 -
You are a delight and I knowwhatisupdog said:Talked to Mom yesterday
...and she was in extremely high spirits. She is a teacher, and talked to some of her colleagues that are breast cancer survivors. She mentioned that one of them had recommended a wigmaker and said that she was going to have a wig made soon, since she would probably lose some hair during chemo. She was *very* excited about getting "gigantic fake boobs" when her treatment is finished, and especially that she wouldn't have to wear a bra anymore once her DDs were "installed".
Her meeting tomorrow with the surgeon is to discuss her treatment plan. She said that there aren't any specialists in bc oncology in my hometown, but the surgeon she is seeing came highly recommended by her colleagues. She doesn't know her stage but said that the cancer had not spread to any of her other parts. Later she mentioned that maybe it just hadn't hit her yet, but she was not really worried.
I offered to drive down to go to her appointment with her tomorrow, but she said it wasn't necessary. I live three hours away from her, and the last thing I want to do is put her in a position where she feels like she has to act differently because of me; I don't want to be a downer when she is feeling chipper. I understand that she may go through a series of conflicting emotions, but I certainly don't want to be morose and concerned when she is cheerfully optimistic!
I will look into Look Good, Feel Better. I think she would really love getting a makeover, and who doesn't like free stuff? She mentioned wanting to start a cosmetic review blog with me yesterday, so I think that a bunch of free stuff would be a great motivator to kick it off. I am very proud of her and her assertion that she is going to "make cancer her b****."
Thank all of you so much for your prayers and support. I really appreciate your kindness and advice, and I hope that I can be helpful in some way to you. My prayers are with you, too.</p>
You are a delight and I know your mom must love you to pieces. You are such a warm and caring daughter! Please let us know how it goes. I am praying for you both.0 -
You are a wonderful daughterCypressCynthia said:You are a delight and I know
You are a delight and I know your mom must love you to pieces. You are such a warm and caring daughter! Please let us know how it goes. I am praying for you both.
You are a wonderful daughter and I wanted you to know also that I am praying for your Mom. Please keep updating us as to how she is and how you are.
Hugs, Jan0
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