Cancer Survivors Network

First Ill give a little bit of history. My mom passed away last June, from emphysema. She was diagnosed 16 years ago and never quit smoking. About 6 years ago she became bedridden with emphysema and never quit. During that time my parents lived a mile away from me. Every event of my adult life has been marred my one of my parents illness's. I have held my mother when she overdosed (more than once)and waited for the ambulance. I have spent many years in the hospital with her.I have watched her deteriorate to nothing. I have heard the nasty words come out of her mouth,(due to all the medications). I have washed her hair and wiped her heiny. I was there for all the last rights. (at least 4) including septic shock. Although through it I started having panic attacks whenever the phone rang. Either due to my sister screaming like a lunitic or another emergency. While I was helping my mom, my dad had kidney, lung, bladder, skin cancers. So we had to take care of BOTH of them for a couple of years. Ironically we thought he was doing OK. Last pet scan came back good. He was a walking anomoly! All the while raising 2 children and having a job. Not to mention brothers and sisters who did NOT get along because of their unwillingness to help or inability too. I bore that brunt with my Dad because we live down the block. My dad had a very hard time losing my mom. He was very depressed, his dog of 17 years died 2months after mom. Fast forward to June this year. A call that the pychotherapist suggested he go to hospital. We thought for depression. LOW and BEHOLD, we find out the cancer is back and is stage 4 metasised! I now had to watch the big guy deteriorate before my very eyes.He never checked out of the hospital! Every week he was worse, and he knew he was going to die. He died August 28th. I was there the night before and I knew he was going to go. I couldnt bear to face that again, and be there. I get a call at work that it was time. I didnt know what to do, so I picked up my cousin to come with me, my husband was working and would never make it back. My dad died right after I left the hospital to bring my cousin home and get my husband, later on.. Than we had a month to give up his apartment that he lived in for 25 years, WOW!!! I am so sad, and angry all the time .No one understands, NO ONE. My family is breaking apart, because of the will. My sister is being secretive, and my brother combative. I dont want anything, I want peace. I dream they talk to me to tell me they are together. I am on the brink of divorce because my husband has lost patience with me through all this and doesnt understand why I get sad or angry. I am angry. They both NEVER quit smoking! I wonder why ! It hurts that we werent good enough for them too. Im angry for not having a mother all these years, she was 66 when she died. I am angry at my friends who dont care and dont ask! I just want to be alone, with my dog! I lost weight, cant sleep or sleep too much. I seem to have lost my happy. Thanks for listing,I never saw my story in words. Its sad.