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Dad is gone too now.

bartender70
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2011

First Ill give a little bit of history. My mom passed away last June, from emphysema. She was diagnosed 16 years ago and never quit smoking. About 6 years ago she became bedridden with emphysema and never quit. During that time my parents lived a mile away from me. Every event of my adult life has been marred my one of my parents illness's. I have held my mother when she overdosed (more than once)and waited for the ambulance. I have spent many years in the hospital with her.I have watched her deteriorate to nothing. I have heard the nasty words come out of her mouth,(due to all the medications). I have washed her hair and wiped her heiny. I was there for all the last rights. (at least 4) including septic shock. Although through it I started having panic attacks whenever the phone rang. Either due to my sister screaming like a lunitic or another emergency. While I was helping my mom, my dad had kidney, lung, bladder, skin cancers. So we had to take care of BOTH of them for a couple of years. Ironically we thought he was doing OK. Last pet scan came back good. He was a walking anomoly! All the while raising 2 children and having a job. Not to mention brothers and sisters who did NOT get along because of their unwillingness to help or inability too. I bore that brunt with my Dad because we live down the block. My dad had a very hard time losing my mom. He was very depressed, his dog of 17 years died 2months after mom. Fast forward to June this year. A call that the pychotherapist suggested he go to hospital. We thought for depression. LOW and BEHOLD, we find out the cancer is back and is stage 4 metasised! I now had to watch the big guy deteriorate before my very eyes.He never checked out of the hospital! Every week he was worse, and he knew he was going to die. He died August 28th. I was there the night before and I knew he was going to go. I couldnt bear to face that again, and be there. I get a call at work that it was time. I didnt know what to do, so I picked up my cousin to come with me, my husband was working and would never make it back. My dad died right after I left the hospital to bring my cousin home and get my husband, later on.. Than we had a month to give up his apartment that he lived in for 25 years, WOW!!! I am so sad, and angry all the time .No one understands, NO ONE. My family is breaking apart, because of the will. My sister is being secretive, and my brother combative. I dont want anything, I want peace. I dream they talk to me to tell me they are together. I am on the brink of divorce because my husband has lost patience with me through all this and doesnt understand why I get sad or angry. I am angry. They both NEVER quit smoking! I wonder why ! It hurts that we werent good enough for them too. Im angry for not having a mother all these years, she was 66 when she died. I am angry at my friends who dont care and dont ask! I just want to be alone, with my dog! I lost weight, cant sleep or sleep too much. I seem to have lost my happy. Thanks for listing,I never saw my story in words. Its sad.

Leyla_SZ's picture
Leyla_SZ
Posts: 5
Joined: Oct 2011

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this, it was breaking my heart the whole time I read your post. Just remember that they are free of their mental and physical pain now, and keeping them here would have been a selfish thing to do (that is what I have to remind myself sometimes about my mom, I just found out yesterday she will not make it to 2012). She wanted to stop treatment and just "live", sometimes in life it's quality of life vs. quantity. Sometimes friends/family don't know how to respond so they don't, or they lash out or act up. I think it boils down to not being able to process the information or emotions they are truly feeling, so it manifests in some other way. I know for a fact that's what I did with my mom's illness (I would act perfect in front of her, so not to upset or depress her then act out on my friends or other people for seemingly no reason).

"What the caterpillar calls the end,
the rest of the world calls a butterfly."

Noellesmom
Posts: 1279
Joined: Aug 2010

You have been through a lot, bartender. Please take the time to be gentle with yourself, even if others are not.

Sometimes it seems we are given so much more to carry than we are able, yet, we manage to do it, anyway.

If I could give you one thing it would be the gift of perspective. You have been a wonderful, caring, unselfish daughter: you need the perspective of time to see what you have meant to and for so many people.

Breathe, bartender. Just take a moment, alone with your dog, in the quiet of your room, and just breathe.

It's the first chance you've had to do that in a while and you may have to practice. Take your time.

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