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Everyday is a blessing with my husband Mark still....

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Last time I wrote this was on September 20th and just to let you all know...things are the same. No worse....No better...Okay I have to admit maybe he is experiencing a bit more pain. Eating a bit more less (I know that statement is an oxymoron). And a little bit harder to wake up sometimes. Having a little bit of a hard time with walking. Having a bit of confusion but all in all he is the same. This cancer is eating away at him very, very slowly. I don't like to see him suffer in pain anymore but I do try to keep him as comfortable as possible. Okay so he is taking a bit more morphine since I last typed about him. I have a book where I keep records of the times and dosage and even what he does (doesn't) eat but that is because we have to notate his blood sugar levels being a diabetic. Last time I typed (9/20/11) he was taking up to 6-7 doses of morphine per day (2 ml/20 mg). Now he is up to 10 doses per day. Like I said before, everything is progressing "a little bit". He may have a break with the morphine at night for about 5-6 hours because I am finally able to go to bed after a long day. I do however take naps when he does so no worries on the caregiver taking care. I am! I just can't do the sleeping he does or I would never get anything done! His daily first doses start at 4-5 am and the end day dose is usually 10-11 pm.

I am however, enjoying my time with my husband! Love every waking moment with him. We talk when I give him his morphine but then I leave him alone knowing I will talk to him again in two hours. Also in the am (breakfast) and pm (dinner) I let him know what time (if it is not on his dosing schedule) I will be in to take his blood sugar, have him take his insulin, etc. And I love our little talks. As a couple before we never really talked (expressed ourselves to one another) so even though they are little talks I completely enjoy them as does he.

Thank you for listening!
~Kelly

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Kelly,

There is not a day that goes by that we all here have to deal with this awful disease. Look at the very word 'disease' and you get DIS-EASE. It holds to it's appearance. There are so many aspects of this process that can traumatize and scar us forever. Though with the strength and courage of a collective we do carry on. We must ask for help when we need it and we must nurture ourselves. Without these two elements we fail to give what we don't have.

I am pleased to hear that the two of you are enjoying your 'little talks' and that you are cherishing these moments. It has been a blessing for us to be given the gift of 'knowing' how our journey on this earth will end. For this is an opportunity for us to preserve and prepare for what is to come. Can be so much better than having a traumatic and unexpected end. This healing of your communication will give you much more pleasant memories than the alternative.

Keep reaching out to the people here, as we are all strong when we combine our efforts to move forward!

Mucho hugs!
Michelle

catwink22's picture
catwink22
Posts: 239
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi Michelle,
I just want to say thank you for giving me a perspective I hadn't thought of. I get so consumed with the thought of what being terminally ill would do to my family, that I missed the point of having an opportunity to make that time worthwhile. So blessed are we that there are people like you in this world and all the selfless caregivers.
Thanks again,
Cat

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Cat,
I am so pleased to hear that my words have helped you in your journey. A fresh perspective (if even for one element of life) can be so inspiring! I pray that your Lymphoma is not the defining characteristic of your life! Life in itself is a 'terminal' diagnosis for all of us. Some of us are graced with a 'knowing' that has been laid out in front of us like a road map to our destination and some of us meet our destination in surprise. Either path is difficult, but we learn to make lemonade from lemons and come to realize that it is in the 'moments' that we are capable of making our journeys THE defining characteristic.

Care-giving can and is a selfless role, though even in care-giving we must care for ourselves or we have nothing to offer. You can't give what you have not first acquired. Possession IS 9/10ths of the law...LOL. We are ALL care-givers, even you are a care-giver. You are a care-giver with Lymphoma. So, you have an added shingle that a lot of care-givers don't have to hang out there. You have more experience than most as you have lived and are living both sides of the coin. It may not be what most would choose for their lives, but we don't get to choose. These are (as I prefer to see it) the blessings we are given as tools to navigate through our journey here.

I don't mean to ramble, I just try to share my journey with as many as I can in the hopes that I may give and receive as much as possible in this life!

Lovingly,
Michelle

leprechaun2
Posts: 76
Joined: Jul 2011

I'm glad you are able to enjoy the talks...I am sure you treasure each of them. You are an inspiration! May you be blessed as you make this journey!

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2064
Joined: Aug 2011

Kelly,

I think you are facing a setting sun with such beauty
and bravery. I hope peace, light and warmth embrace you.

Thank you for your posts....

Hugs,

Jim

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Your comments to me really make me feel good and feel like I can conquer the world. I really do appreciate them! I want to always be strong for my husband during this "sucky cancer that is eating him". He is the love of my life and I cherish every day and waking hour with him. (And it has been only an hour at a time he is awake). He knows that I am there for him regardless if I am in the other room. The main thing is that I am here, to take away as much pain as I can, to keep him comfortable as much as I can, to love on him as much as I am allowed while he is hurting. Today is another day with him and I cherish that! I am blessed to have him for one more day and hope that there will be another "one more day" for a long time.

Again thanks, this board is really helping me get my thoughts, vents and issues out when I need. Who could ask for a better place!

Thanks for listening! (((Hugs))) all around from me!
~Kelly

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

Making memories is what life is all about. I learned that from the six years Doug battled cancer. Some of my best memories are from that time. We also had wonderful talks. I have often said that my goal today is to live as well as he died. This is a horrific disease and I hated the pain he had to endure. Yet he was able to keep his sense of humor and didn't hesitate to share his love with his family and friends. I think we both learned a lot about what's important. I even learned to let many things go that I once worried to death. Even today, I hear him saying, "Let it go dear, just let it go," when I am stressing over something not really that important. Blessing to you both as you go through this difficult time. Cherish your time together. That is another lesson I learned. Fay

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