Why Does My Boyfriend Hate Me?
Nat
Comments
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Boyfriend
Hi, glad firstly you are now well and your other half helped you through it all. Wondering if after all the stress he has slipped into a depression. Some people cope better under pressure. He certainly needs to talk to you or a professional, or of course both. He could have thought he was going to lose you. Talking is the key to find out what he is going through. Good luck.0 -
wow...so sorry..no
wow...so sorry..no experience...I just want you to know...dont' think it's you...it's something IN HIM...I want to say dont' take it personally but hard not to.
Try journals...therapy if you can...
I"LL check back to see how you are doing-I am pulling for you...glad you are almost done...with this step in your life
Denise0 -
Thanks guys for answeringdisneyfan2008 said:wow...so sorry..no
wow...so sorry..no experience...I just want you to know...dont' think it's you...it's something IN HIM...I want to say dont' take it personally but hard not to.
Try journals...therapy if you can...
I"LL check back to see how you are doing-I am pulling for you...glad you are almost done...with this step in your life
Denise
Thanks guys for answering me. Isn't that the craziest thing? I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. He won't really talk about it. He keeps saying goofy things like, now it's his turn. That everything was about me and now it's his turn.(What's that mean, he acts like he wishes I still need him for cancer) I never acted like that, I hardly ever cried during my treatments. I didn't forget about him or anything, I was there for him during it all. We were very close, and he was so happy and acted proud of me, blah, blah.... Then it was like a switch went off in his head. After my treatment, I decided to change everything in my life. I moved out of the cancer apt. and into a new one. I stopped staying in the house all the time, I was happy all the time(I still am, I wake up happy everyday!) I was so blessed and I feel like living. He seems to be afraid of all the changes I'm making. I wanted him to go with me, not leave him. But he stays miserable! He wakes up miserable and goes to bed miserable. I kind of feel like leaving him, but at the same time, I feel like I owe him, and I'd like to help him. If I knew how.0 -
Perhaps...Nat1000 said:Thanks guys for answering
Thanks guys for answering me. Isn't that the craziest thing? I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. He won't really talk about it. He keeps saying goofy things like, now it's his turn. That everything was about me and now it's his turn.(What's that mean, he acts like he wishes I still need him for cancer) I never acted like that, I hardly ever cried during my treatments. I didn't forget about him or anything, I was there for him during it all. We were very close, and he was so happy and acted proud of me, blah, blah.... Then it was like a switch went off in his head. After my treatment, I decided to change everything in my life. I moved out of the cancer apt. and into a new one. I stopped staying in the house all the time, I was happy all the time(I still am, I wake up happy everyday!) I was so blessed and I feel like living. He seems to be afraid of all the changes I'm making. I wanted him to go with me, not leave him. But he stays miserable! He wakes up miserable and goes to bed miserable. I kind of feel like leaving him, but at the same time, I feel like I owe him, and I'd like to help him. If I knew how.
He's scared of the " new you" .....you've moved on and he hasn't...perhaps he feels threatened now....you needed him and he came through..but again, now you've moved on and he may feel like you will move on without him, since you are making big changes in your life...you now realize how fragile life is and want to live in the present...he sounds scared to me....he may think he's old news now and that you don't need or want him anymore and is playing the "bad guy" to force your hand.....
If you want this long term relationship to last, you might want to continue asking him to talk and share his feelings...if he doesn't, then you have to decide if you're better off with him or without him, as you start this new chapter of your life....
I wish you the best.....0 -
Boyfriend
Hi,
They say that men are deeply affected by breast cancer. While he was caring for you maybe he didn't deal with his own feelings and now they are coming out. If he is willing to talk to someone (therapist) that's what I would suggest. He obviously hasn't dealt with it yet. He may feel he is no longer "needed". Just my opinion.
Terry0 -
I believe he is empty. He
I believe he is empty. He threw himself totally into you and now he does not know how to restore himself and is depressed.
also with us, my guy was afraid to of hurting me and I know we all become a new us and maybe the person you are now is a stranger to him and that is scary. He wants his life back too I bet. The more changes the more depression.
It is true you have moved on but I think he wants what he had or doesn't know how to fit in to what is the new normal.
Before you make decisions about your relationship REALLY weigh the alternatives. His adjustment is just beginning having been focused on you. It took us a very long time to find our new way together. It isn't what it was, it is what it is. I think you both have to not expect resolution right now but see that time will tell you what your new routines and interactions are.
At our age, our point in life gives us great perspective on priorities. Use it and much luck and go forward with love to the rest of your lives together. I hope it works out.0 -
I think it is two changes
I think it is two changes for him within a year. Men have a hard time changing and becomming nurturing, then all of a sudden it is over and you are feeling more like yourself. Getting drunk is a way to not face what is bothering him. He can forget about it when he is drunk but the feelings don't go away and he has to get drunk again to drown what he does not want to feel. Counselling is definately in order.0 -
Nat@laughs_a_lot said:I think it is two changes
I think it is two changes for him within a year. Men have a hard time changing and becomming nurturing, then all of a sudden it is over and you are feeling more like yourself. Getting drunk is a way to not face what is bothering him. He can forget about it when he is drunk but the feelings don't go away and he has to get drunk again to drown what he does not want to feel. Counselling is definately in order.
I hope your are feeling well...jot thoughts in journal...helped me...even though at the time it did not seem like it..
Denise0 -
Oh Nat,disneyfan2008 said:Nat@
I hope your are feeling well...jot thoughts in journal...helped me...even though at the time it did not seem like it..
Denise
First of all {{{Hugs}}}. That whole yin/yang thing is so confusing isn't it? In my opinion your boyfriend is finally dealing with his own emotions. He had to remain strong for you and walk the path beside you. Always there to nurture and love you when you were at your worst. In a way I suppose it made him feel more of a man knowing he was taking care of you.
Now flash forward to present time and you are a vibrant, independent woman taking her life back and making decisions on what is best for you to make you stronger and healthier. A role he once relished is no longer his. I think all of us can safely say that our cancer has changed our relationships with our spouses/partners. Some it has driven them closer others further a part.
Alcohol is definitely not the answer, but when he's out drinking he's doing it to hide something. The only way to get to the bottom of this is to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk. Air it out - the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe if he's not comfortable with that seek professional therapy.
Just remember yes he was there for you during your treatments and stayed by your side until you got better. But.... if he isn't willing to "get better" himself there is only so much you can do. Try and reach out to him the best you know how, but when and if your world starts crumbling around you, jump out and don't let it take you down with it.
Hugs beautiful pink sister,
Lorrie0 -
I'm doing great now that alldisneyfan2008 said:Nat@
I hope your are feeling well...jot thoughts in journal...helped me...even though at the time it did not seem like it..
Denise
I'm doing great now that all the bad stuff is over. I wrote almost everyday during my treatments, it really helped me too. But now, I don't care to read any of it. I'm just not ready yet. How are you and where are you in your treatments?
Nat0 -
That's exactly right. He isbutterflylvr said:Oh Nat,
First of all {{{Hugs}}}. That whole yin/yang thing is so confusing isn't it? In my opinion your boyfriend is finally dealing with his own emotions. He had to remain strong for you and walk the path beside you. Always there to nurture and love you when you were at your worst. In a way I suppose it made him feel more of a man knowing he was taking care of you.
Now flash forward to present time and you are a vibrant, independent woman taking her life back and making decisions on what is best for you to make you stronger and healthier. A role he once relished is no longer his. I think all of us can safely say that our cancer has changed our relationships with our spouses/partners. Some it has driven them closer others further a part.
Alcohol is definitely not the answer, but when he's out drinking he's doing it to hide something. The only way to get to the bottom of this is to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk. Air it out - the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe if he's not comfortable with that seek professional therapy.
Just remember yes he was there for you during your treatments and stayed by your side until you got better. But.... if he isn't willing to "get better" himself there is only so much you can do. Try and reach out to him the best you know how, but when and if your world starts crumbling around you, jump out and don't let it take you down with it.
Hugs beautiful pink sister,
Lorrie
That's exactly right. He is acting like he lost his job. He did, but it was a lousy job that he should be glad to be rid of! I feel like I owe him plenty, but there's no way in hell I'm going to let him bring me down to where he is. I am very happy, so are my sister's, brother's, children and friends! He's the only one that's so depressed, and lost. And since he won't tell me how he feels,(he probably doesn't know how)I can't help him. I haven't given up on him yet, but I don't mind that he's been staying at his place lately! My new apt. is sooo cheerie, I love it! And my hair is finally growing! It grew back salt and pepper gray, kind of like Jamie Lee Curtis's in that yogurt commercial. I have a pixie cut, and it grew back thicker! Thank you everybody for writing to me.
Nat0 -
Nat,Nat1000 said:I'm doing great now that all
I'm doing great now that all the bad stuff is over. I wrote almost everyday during my treatments, it really helped me too. But now, I don't care to read any of it. I'm just not ready yet. How are you and where are you in your treatments?
Nat
It sounds like you are on the right path. Keep heading down that road of positive energy and towards those that embrace that lifestyle. If and when it's time to painfully make that decision to part ways with the boyfriend, let him know you deeply care and wish to take him along. That way the decision will be his whether he wants to actively stay a part of your life.
You are so sweet to ask how things are going with me. I am doing well, in a month I will be undergoing my implant exchange surgery. I was diagnosed with stage 2B IDC in my left breast only. Nov-Jan of this year I had chemo, Feb.28th I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. My tissue expanders were inflated by May and I did 33 treatments of radiation. Three months later all is healing up nicely and it's almost time for hopefully my final major surgery to get my silicone implants.
It's been quite the journey this past year for both of us. Your new hair growth sounds cute.. mine is getting pretty long now and boy oh boy, I love those curls.
Stay strong,
Lorrie0 -
I'm thinking about gettingbutterflylvr said:Nat,
It sounds like you are on the right path. Keep heading down that road of positive energy and towards those that embrace that lifestyle. If and when it's time to painfully make that decision to part ways with the boyfriend, let him know you deeply care and wish to take him along. That way the decision will be his whether he wants to actively stay a part of your life.
You are so sweet to ask how things are going with me. I am doing well, in a month I will be undergoing my implant exchange surgery. I was diagnosed with stage 2B IDC in my left breast only. Nov-Jan of this year I had chemo, Feb.28th I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. My tissue expanders were inflated by May and I did 33 treatments of radiation. Three months later all is healing up nicely and it's almost time for hopefully my final major surgery to get my silicone implants.
It's been quite the journey this past year for both of us. Your new hair growth sounds cute.. mine is getting pretty long now and boy oh boy, I love those curls.
Stay strong,
Lorrie
I'm thinking about getting my reconstructive surgery now. I wanted to go a few months with "no pain", before having it done. I'm happy that yours turned out so far. Is your next part the easiest, or hardest? I thought since I was having radiation after my mastectomy, that I should wait. Since it shrinks your tissue inside and out, I read that a lot of people who got the implants before radiation, had to be reopened. I would love to have done what you did! What do the tissue expanders look and feel like? Does that hurt? What will he do to me first? Thanks. I don't know anything about it. The plastic surgeon (I saw him last year, at the beginning) told me a little bit about it, but he really wasn't very clear.
Nat0 -
Hey Nat,Nat1000 said:I'm thinking about getting
I'm thinking about getting my reconstructive surgery now. I wanted to go a few months with "no pain", before having it done. I'm happy that yours turned out so far. Is your next part the easiest, or hardest? I thought since I was having radiation after my mastectomy, that I should wait. Since it shrinks your tissue inside and out, I read that a lot of people who got the implants before radiation, had to be reopened. I would love to have done what you did! What do the tissue expanders look and feel like? Does that hurt? What will he do to me first? Thanks. I don't know anything about it. The plastic surgeon (I saw him last year, at the beginning) told me a little bit about it, but he really wasn't very clear.
Nat
My expanders feel like giant water balloons. They were implanted behind my chest wall and I had to go every week for 7 weeks to have them gradually inflated. It is kind of like a womans pregnant belly. It has to be gradual so you don't stretch and tear. You are right usually they don't do reconstruction before radiation. But with tissue expanders they are inflated with saline. So if one were to burst it's only water. Here is a website I think you will find helpful. These will be the implants that my Plastic surgeon will be using.
Click here0 -
I really understand what you're going through
The big clue I see in your post, is "He stays drunk.". The best thing to help him would be alcohol anonymous. I know some won't take encouragement to go to one, but you can try.
http://www.aa.org/subpage.cfm?page=29
If he won't go, then you yourself go to Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
People can only fix themselves. He's going to have to take responsibility for himself, and others at AA will help him there. You yourself will also see this through Al-Anon.
I had a more horrendous experience than you, so I do understand your post. After I got my mastectomy, my (then) boyfriend dumped me a few months later. He just couldn't handle my mastectomy and the thought that I could get worse, and obviously wasn't supportive. I was devastated, the stress going through the ceiling. But I found there are others there to help you through it. For me, my daughter, and a crisis counselor I met. He's the one that taught me the value of the 12 step program... because he taught it and could see the results of those who turned themselves around.
Ten months ago I thought my world came to an end. I've gone through DIEP reconstructive surgery since. Another guy recently has come into my life, and I have hope and I do feel better about myself now.
I wish the best for both of you.0
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