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Feel something but dont' know what it is??? confused I am

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Last few days even a week, I have these weird feelings, sometimes I feel like my cancer has come back and sometimes I feel like Im not going to be able to deal with it. Im now only going on 3 months remission and it happened before, I was in remission for this long and it came back. This time i worry if it comes back I wont' be able to fight it anymore. I fought twice why do I have to keep fighting, why? Why can't this go away, it's already left it's ugly side effects on me, scar tissue, erosions in stomach. I dont' want this anymore, I am now on liquid diet due to build up in stomach makes me think maybe i now have stomach cancer. I had my check up few weeks ago, and he felt me and it was fine, said i looked good and wants to see me in December...........Im frustrated dont' know what to do, am doing what my GP is saying about build up in stomach and still not 100% better.
Emotionally not the strongest, usually Im the fighter, like who cares Im gona whip your butt and Im going to prevail, now all I do is worry almost daily.... I dont' know what to do... feel so lost!

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

I was told on June 4th 2011 that I have ovarian cancer stage 4 grade 3 when they opened my up I already had tissue dieing inside of me. I guess what they said in my report I was on deaths door I did not read that part of my path report my mom did I am 45 and did not want to know what stage I was because I wanted to fight like it was stage 1. Well after my third treatment I CA125 was down from 2000 to 14 this last Monday my doctor told me I was in remission so from Monday to Saturday I have already worried what if. On thursday when I got my fifth chemo treatment my numbers dropped from 14 to five the nurse stated that my numbers are lower than hers and she is not even sick. Again from Thursday to Saturday I am playing the what if game. I don't think we ever stop playing that game onece you have cancer you will always worry about it comeing back as time goes on I hope we don't worry as much as we do know but I do believe that we will always worry. I will be praying for you that you find peace in God that you have over come this cancer.

Anne

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

Oh, tears, of course what you are feeling is normal but it doesn't really help to be told that.

I'm sure you are going for all your follow-up appointments and scans and whatever else you are told to do. You are physically taking care of yourself as best you can.

You have experienced what most of us only fear - a cancer followed by a recurrence. There is no way you can have survived all that without emotional, as well as physical, scarring. There is no doubt you feel emotionally drained, exhausted of the resources which carried you through the first two rounds.

A general practitioner can be a great help but it concerns me it doesn't sound like you are turning to yours for help in dealing with your feelings regarding recovery from cancer and monitoring for recurrence.

Please ask for help: hopefully, other people will come on here and post what they did to help with the anxiety in a situation like yours but don't forget the benefit of counseling as well as the potential use of anti-anxiety drugs - they don't have to be forever - just until you get on top of these feelings and can sort out what is going on with your stomach.

Please get in touch with your doctor to discuss this. Find a counseling group for survivors, have lunch with a good friend and just vent, vent, vent.

And be sure to come here and let us know how you are doing.

Bunches of hugs.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1095
Joined: Jul 2009

You said that you had been in remission before, as long as you are now, and I think that is why you are thinking about it coming back again because it did once before after about the same time. I know it is hard but you have to maybe start using some positive affirmations to help yourself get out of this thought pattern that it's coming back. Tell yourself everyday or several times a day that you are rid of it and it's never coming back. I am a real believer in the power of positive thought and while I know it's hard, I still struggle with many aspects of this disease even 25 years after initial diagnosis, but you have to try.

I know people who write down powerful positive affirmations and put them up around their houses, and on their mirrors. When you go to brush your teeth, for instance, read out loud the positive affirmation that is written there and in time you will feel better. Of course you will think about it all more negativetly once in awhile but perhaps this small thing might help a bit.

Do you have a counsellor who deals with grieving? They can be very helpufl when someone is struggling with the struggle with their diminished health. You might think to reach out to a counsellor for times like these that arise for everyone sooner or later.

All the best.

Bluerose

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Bluerose im gong home this coming week, canada here I come, maybe this might help who knows. Right now im still ick with stomach issues and be on phone in morning to doc.... Strange thing is when i first went into remission i had postive thot and now i dont' find i have any at all. Im trying to be proud of myself, trying to realize many are praying for me including me, but it's not so easy some days.
I live where there is no cancer support group, and so I just try and go on my own, try figure things out. I think the trip home will be great for me perhaps maybe what I need... Right now im still emotionally up and down hope that goes away,...thank u
Brenda

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1095
Joined: Jul 2009

That kind of happened to me many years ago. I had my first diagnosis and I was all positive and determined to fight and beat it and did but when it came back only a year and a bit later I went kind of numb. I think that might happen to alot of people, first time they are all gung ho with positivity and determination and then go through all the rotten treatments and feel on their way to getting there life back then boom, it hits again. It's only natural to feel very shocked and frozen for a time with it all.

However, you do have to fight again so take the time to grieve it's being back but know that you can do this, you can fight it again. I think it's a great idea coming back here to Canada for a visit and a change of scenery. Are you well enough to do the trip though? Are you going to be okay with your health care now here in Canada if you fall ill here? Have you thought of coming back here for good to be with family and friends who can help you more? Are you going to Toronto by any chance? Maybe stop by Princess Margaret there if you can for a second opinion perhaps if you are at all able. I can't remember where you are from in Canada. Sorry.

There are so many stages of grief in the battle with cancer and that's all normal for the situation but you can't let yourself get stuck in any one stage for too long. Do you have a good counsellor who can help you through? Even a minister at your church or a doctor might be able to counsel you. I wish you lived in a bigger city with more access to support groups but now with online counselling and the like at least you might be able to talk out some of your issues, like the ones here on this board.

Brenday, did you know that Princess Margaret has a site like this one? It's called Caring Voices and they have online meetings for anyone in any country and a real professional at the hospital chairs the meeting and you can ask all kinds of questions about cancer. Go to the Caring Voices site and to the calendar of meetings and you will see the topics there and then go to one of their meetings and see if you can get some of your questions answered there too.

All the best Brenda. I hope you do get to go home and enjoy Canada in the Fall. Spectacular colors as you might well remember.

All the best Brenda.

Bluerose

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I do enjoy going home and yes Im well enough to travel my pain is emotional, purely emotional that is driving me crazy!
I won't let anything stop me from going home, I miss it so much. I wont' be near Toronto at all, as Saskatchewan is my home. Flat and ugly it's still the best place to visit at times. Im saddened by my family, it's Thanksgiving at home, and im traveling 2 days and they have to travel 4-5 hours and some aren't going to be there, family can be a bummer ya know! I will visit with my kids and other family and do what comes naturally to take in all the air and sites before returning back here. Many times I often think of moving home, right now i have great docs who are watching me, and I can go to in a second if I feel even a twinge of anything. Until I really feel that im good emotionally and ready to cut the apron strings I will won't move home. Right now to move get settled, try find a job reinstate my canadian health card and so on could be trying if not feeling well. I need to be emotionally ok.
Thank u for the site information, will try and get on there and see if someone can unscrew my head and put it back in right place.
Thank you bluerose!

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2085
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Tears,

It's okay for you to be human. Try to enjoy yourself
while on your trip. Do something fun and different - it doesn't
have to be all family you know. Family can bring on unwanted stress
so try to avoid that if you can.

Wednesday, I go in for my last round of chemo and I'm doing well so far
and I am thankful for that. For now, I've been just dealing with this
one step at a time. Now that the chemo is going to be over and when I
recover from the last round and beyond (hopefully feeling better, getting
my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes back - so I look less like "Casper" :) ),
I'm honestly a little afraid and uncertain. I don't know if I'll try to
go back to work anytime soon. I'm scared I'll have a recurrence or other
things will happen, etc. Since I've been dealing with the "day-to-day" of
all of this, I've put a lot of my life on hold here. I'm not sure what
direction I'm going to take next and that is frightening.

I'm very grateful that things have gone so well thus far - I truly am but
I know my life will never be the same and I'm going to have challenges dealing
with the "new me" and what lies ahead.

Sorry, didn't mean to do the "all about me" dance :). I think what you
are going through is very normal and understandable and you will find
your way through it.

I wish you well and allow yourself some fun on your trip!

Hugs,

Jim

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Not worry about your discussion about you, it's really ok. I know how you feel and it's what I feel. We are changed ppl, and yes the casper look does get better, I see eyelashes now. I am going to try have fun, and yes do the family thing but on the other hand just do some walking and hot tub time.
Hang in there Jim and i have enjoyed your letter very much. Good luck with last chemo, I felt very good when my last was July 13th..
Bless u
Brenda

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