what *not* to say to a cancer patient

dbhadra
dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
I'm thinking of making up a little index card and passing it out to people...

tonight at my book club (hello, I am here to FORGET about breast cancer for awhile...)

"So, what is your prognosis now?"

I was literally speechless. I mumbled something like, umm, yeah.

Anyone heard any other good ones?

Laura
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Comments

  • Boppy_of_6
    Boppy_of_6 Member Posts: 1,138
    Did not like this remark
    I never liked when people would say "Well you look good" I am not sure what they expected me to look like, but I guess I did not look that bad! I know they meant well but it was just the way they would say it, like they were shocked! God Bless
    (((hugs))) Janice
  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
    I think this one tops them all…
    “you know, I believe in reincarnation. The body suffers as a consequence of something done wrong. So it purifies the spirit by going through pain”. Meaning, I must have done something reaaaaaally f*&#* up to get this.

    p.s. for those who read my post about this comment, yes, I’m still really bothered by it.
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806

    I think this one tops them all…
    “you know, I believe in reincarnation. The body suffers as a consequence of something done wrong. So it purifies the spirit by going through pain”. Meaning, I must have done something reaaaaaally f*&#* up to get this.

    p.s. for those who read my post about this comment, yes, I’m still really bothered by it.

    The reincarnation
    The reincarnation comment has gotta win the prize. Wow that person to this day probably has no idea how awful what they said truly was. I don't blame you for still being bothered by it.

    The statement that bugged me and still does is "but you're all right now, right" or any variation of that. So few people, unless you've been there done that realize that both physically and mentally and emotionally this is one disease that keeps on giving.

    Whether it's a recurrence, which obviously is the ultimate of awfulness, or the fear and nervousness that happens as each follow up appointment comes or the time for a follow up test arrives, or even the fact that, with me at least, any other doctor that mentions a possible issue drives me right back to "is it cancer, can it be cancer".

    marge
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member

    I think this one tops them all…
    “you know, I believe in reincarnation. The body suffers as a consequence of something done wrong. So it purifies the spirit by going through pain”. Meaning, I must have done something reaaaaaally f*&#* up to get this.

    p.s. for those who read my post about this comment, yes, I’m still really bothered by it.

    Wow
    Yep, that one is the winner! I wouldn't even know how to respond to that.

    Cindy
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    mamolady said:

    Wow
    Yep, that one is the winner! I wouldn't even know how to respond to that.

    Cindy

    fine
    I know many of you have heard my response to something like that but I'll repeat it for the newbies ...

    I always just say "I'm fine." To me it means:

    Frustrated
    Insecure
    Neurotic
    Exhausted

    They hear "fine" and take it as everything is OK ... so the converstation ends ... but I know what I really meant!

    hugs.
    teena
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    I agree with all of you
    I never knew how to take the "you look great" comments and tripped over my tongue when they would ask me if "they got it all didn't they" and "you're done now right?"

    I LOVE the fine comment. I will use that one

    Jennifer
  • BetsyJane
    BetsyJane Member Posts: 127
    grams2jc said:

    I agree with all of you
    I never knew how to take the "you look great" comments and tripped over my tongue when they would ask me if "they got it all didn't they" and "you're done now right?"

    I LOVE the fine comment. I will use that one

    Jennifer

    Don't worry, it's only hair
    I agree with all the comments above.....but I don't like when people say to me, don't worry your hair will grow back. It's only hair.
  • gagee
    gagee Member Posts: 332
    tgf said:

    fine
    I know many of you have heard my response to something like that but I'll repeat it for the newbies ...

    I always just say "I'm fine." To me it means:

    Frustrated
    Insecure
    Neurotic
    Exhausted

    They hear "fine" and take it as everything is OK ... so the converstation ends ... but I know what I really meant!

    hugs.
    teena

    FINE
    That is great. People are so insensitive. I only hope before cancer I didn't do those or say those things to people. Diana
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    I was dumbfounded when,
    I was dumbfounded when, about 3 months after chemo, a guy friend told me that I was psychologically addicted to my wig and that I didn't need it anymore. In my direct style, I pulled my wig off. I was still bald with just a few longish wisps of hair. The friend looked horrified and told me to put my wig back on.

    Please do not be offended by my story if you are one of the beautiful bald ladies. I just couldn't pull that off somehow (my insecurities).

    But whether you wear a head covering or not, it is not a "psychological addiction", in my opnion, but simply a way to cope with horrible situation. Some folks are better off keeping their lips zipped ;-)

    P.S. We are still friends and I forgave his idiot comment.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member

    I was dumbfounded when,
    I was dumbfounded when, about 3 months after chemo, a guy friend told me that I was psychologically addicted to my wig and that I didn't need it anymore. In my direct style, I pulled my wig off. I was still bald with just a few longish wisps of hair. The friend looked horrified and told me to put my wig back on.

    Please do not be offended by my story if you are one of the beautiful bald ladies. I just couldn't pull that off somehow (my insecurities).

    But whether you wear a head covering or not, it is not a "psychological addiction", in my opnion, but simply a way to cope with horrible situation. Some folks are better off keeping their lips zipped ;-)

    P.S. We are still friends and I forgave his idiot comment.

    I cant even rember all the
    I cant even rember all the crap people have said. "arent you over that?" or when they tell you about somone they know who has died. That actually happened to me by an insurance nurse.
    Nothing burns my **** more than dimestore psychology particualrly unsolicited. those people have major gazungas IMOP.
    Great answer CC
  • SHAY316
    SHAY316 Member Posts: 3
    carkris said:

    I cant even rember all the
    I cant even rember all the crap people have said. "arent you over that?" or when they tell you about somone they know who has died. That actually happened to me by an insurance nurse.
    Nothing burns my **** more than dimestore psychology particualrly unsolicited. those people have major gazungas IMOP.
    Great answer CC

    BAD THINGS TO SAY
    MY WIFE HAS FOURTH STAGE BREAST CANCER AND HAS BEEN FIGHTING IT FOR OVER SIX YEARS NOW. WE HAVE SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS BRINGS UP ABOUT HER NEIGHBOR WHO GAVE UP AND LET IT TAKE HER. SHE IS ALWAYS BRING THIS UP WHEN MY WIFE GETS GOOD NEWS AND THIS JUST PULLS THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER HER. MY WIFE JUST STARTED LOSING HAIR AND SHE TOLD HER TO CUT IT ALL OFF NOW AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE RESULTS OF THAT COMMENT.MY MOTHER ALSO CONTINUES TO TELL HER ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE OR HAVE DIED FROM CANCER NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TELL HER NOT TO. THE BEST PART IS THE PERSON WHO KEEPS BRINGING UP THE NEIGHBOR HAS BEEN A NURSE FOR ABOUT THIRTY YEARS. I HAVE ASKED FRIENDS THEIR THOUGHTS AND THEY SAY I SHOULD TELL HER OR THEY OFFER TO DO IT FOR ME. IN READING THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY I FOUND THAT I AM GUILTY OF SOME OF THEM MYSELF AND WILL TRY TO FOLLOW THESE. I AM THERE WITH MY WIFE THRU ALL THE DR APPOINTMENTS, TESTS AND TREATMENTS, I ALWAYS SEEM TO PICK UP ON THINGS THAT ARE SAID THAT SHE DOES NOT HEAR OR UNDERSTAND THE MEANING AND TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER TO CLAIM HER FEARS BUT THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK. I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK ANYONE SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT IT HELPS TO HAVE COMMENTS FROM CARING PEOPLE.
  • SHAY316
    SHAY316 Member Posts: 3
    carkris said:

    I cant even rember all the
    I cant even rember all the crap people have said. "arent you over that?" or when they tell you about somone they know who has died. That actually happened to me by an insurance nurse.
    Nothing burns my **** more than dimestore psychology particualrly unsolicited. those people have major gazungas IMOP.
    Great answer CC

    BAD THINGS TO SAY
    MY WIFE HAS FOURTH STAGE BREAST CANCER AND HAS BEEN FIGHTING IT FOR OVER SIX YEARS NOW. WE HAVE SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS BRINGS UP ABOUT HER NEIGHBOR WHO GAVE UP AND LET IT TAKE HER. SHE IS ALWAYS BRING THIS UP WHEN MY WIFE GETS GOOD NEWS AND THIS JUST PULLS THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER HER. MY WIFE JUST STARTED LOSING HAIR AND SHE TOLD HER TO CUT IT ALL OFF NOW AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE RESULTS OF THAT COMMENT.MY MOTHER ALSO CONTINUES TO TELL HER ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE OR HAVE DIED FROM CANCER NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TELL HER NOT TO. THE BEST PART IS THE PERSON WHO KEEPS BRINGING UP THE NEIGHBOR HAS BEEN A NURSE FOR ABOUT THIRTY YEARS. I HAVE ASKED FRIENDS THEIR THOUGHTS AND THEY SAY I SHOULD TELL HER OR THEY OFFER TO DO IT FOR ME. IN READING THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY I FOUND THAT I AM GUILTY OF SOME OF THEM MYSELF AND WILL TRY TO FOLLOW THESE. I AM THERE WITH MY WIFE THRU ALL THE DR APPOINTMENTS, TESTS AND TREATMENTS, I ALWAYS SEEM TO PICK UP ON THINGS THAT ARE SAID THAT SHE DOES NOT HEAR OR UNDERSTAND THE MEANING AND TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER TO CLAIM HER FEARS BUT THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK. I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK ANYONE SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT IT HELPS TO HAVE COMMENTS FROM CARING PEOPLE.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    SHAY316 said:

    BAD THINGS TO SAY
    MY WIFE HAS FOURTH STAGE BREAST CANCER AND HAS BEEN FIGHTING IT FOR OVER SIX YEARS NOW. WE HAVE SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS BRINGS UP ABOUT HER NEIGHBOR WHO GAVE UP AND LET IT TAKE HER. SHE IS ALWAYS BRING THIS UP WHEN MY WIFE GETS GOOD NEWS AND THIS JUST PULLS THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER HER. MY WIFE JUST STARTED LOSING HAIR AND SHE TOLD HER TO CUT IT ALL OFF NOW AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE RESULTS OF THAT COMMENT.MY MOTHER ALSO CONTINUES TO TELL HER ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE OR HAVE DIED FROM CANCER NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TELL HER NOT TO. THE BEST PART IS THE PERSON WHO KEEPS BRINGING UP THE NEIGHBOR HAS BEEN A NURSE FOR ABOUT THIRTY YEARS. I HAVE ASKED FRIENDS THEIR THOUGHTS AND THEY SAY I SHOULD TELL HER OR THEY OFFER TO DO IT FOR ME. IN READING THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY I FOUND THAT I AM GUILTY OF SOME OF THEM MYSELF AND WILL TRY TO FOLLOW THESE. I AM THERE WITH MY WIFE THRU ALL THE DR APPOINTMENTS, TESTS AND TREATMENTS, I ALWAYS SEEM TO PICK UP ON THINGS THAT ARE SAID THAT SHE DOES NOT HEAR OR UNDERSTAND THE MEANING AND TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER TO CLAIM HER FEARS BUT THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK. I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK ANYONE SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT IT HELPS TO HAVE COMMENTS FROM CARING PEOPLE.

    Shay I am sure you are a
    Shay I am sure you are a omfort to your wife. It is so important to have that caring person that you can trust. Makes all the difference. I think if someone disrupted my peace of mind like that I would eliminate them from my life. or use some of the phrases people have used "If this doesnt end well I dont want to know" cuts them off at the pass. People need to be made aware of how they treat people, if they are doing it to you they are doing it to someone else too spreading their bad karma. i am not sayiong they are mean just ignorant.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159

    I think this one tops them all…
    “you know, I believe in reincarnation. The body suffers as a consequence of something done wrong. So it purifies the spirit by going through pain”. Meaning, I must have done something reaaaaaally f*&#* up to get this.

    p.s. for those who read my post about this comment, yes, I’m still really bothered by it.

    I wish life was like TV or a
    I wish life was like TV or a movie~ why? In those scenarios, the person saying the stupid reincarnation statement would have been countered by the receiver saying "You know, you are right~ I was a horrid, mean-spirited, uncaring person in a past life...come to think of it, I was YOU!"
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member

    I was dumbfounded when,
    I was dumbfounded when, about 3 months after chemo, a guy friend told me that I was psychologically addicted to my wig and that I didn't need it anymore. In my direct style, I pulled my wig off. I was still bald with just a few longish wisps of hair. The friend looked horrified and told me to put my wig back on.

    Please do not be offended by my story if you are one of the beautiful bald ladies. I just couldn't pull that off somehow (my insecurities).

    But whether you wear a head covering or not, it is not a "psychological addiction", in my opnion, but simply a way to cope with horrible situation. Some folks are better off keeping their lips zipped ;-)

    P.S. We are still friends and I forgave his idiot comment.

    stunning bald women
    I have seen some women who are stunning with the bald look! There were a couple of young women at the Look Good Feel Better class that were absolutely stunning. I think attitude has alot to do with it. ( and being stunning to begin with)

    Cindy
  • mollieb
    mollieb Member Posts: 148
    mamolady said:

    stunning bald women
    I have seen some women who are stunning with the bald look! There were a couple of young women at the Look Good Feel Better class that were absolutely stunning. I think attitude has alot to do with it. ( and being stunning to begin with)

    Cindy

    and . . .
    Attitude and a nicely shaped head!
  • debi.18
    debi.18 Member Posts: 850 Member
    mollieb said:

    and . . .
    Attitude and a nicely shaped head!

    FINE
    Teena, I love it!

    I usually say fine, just 'cause it's the easist and quickest response, but now it will have new meaning! Thanks!

    Hugs,
    Debi
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member

    Did not like this remark
    I never liked when people would say "Well you look good" I am not sure what they expected me to look like, but I guess I did not look that bad! I know they meant well but it was just the way they would say it, like they were shocked! God Bless
    (((hugs))) Janice

    50/50 movie last night
    NO clue what is was when we went in..

    Denise..
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member

    Did not like this remark
    I never liked when people would say "Well you look good" I am not sure what they expected me to look like, but I guess I did not look that bad! I know they meant well but it was just the way they would say it, like they were shocked! God Bless
    (((hugs))) Janice

    50/50 movie last night
    NO clue what is was when we went in..

    Denise..
  • ginnyl
    ginnyl Member Posts: 38
    tgf said:

    fine
    I know many of you have heard my response to something like that but I'll repeat it for the newbies ...

    I always just say "I'm fine." To me it means:

    Frustrated
    Insecure
    Neurotic
    Exhausted

    They hear "fine" and take it as everything is OK ... so the converstation ends ... but I know what I really meant!

    hugs.
    teena

    meaning of fine
    From the very begining i always said fine. I didnt know what those 4 lerrers stood for but girl u nailed it.f -fustrated i-irrated n-nurotic e-exausted.