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Sad please anyone help me...

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Today I found out that my mother's Bone Metastasis has progressed. I have not told her as she doesn't understand english that well but I did tell my dad and we are devastated. My mom had stage IV Thyroid Cancer was caught late in the game because of a misdiagnosis and after a year, she got bone metastatis lesions on her hip. She had a hip replacement in May and kept complaining of so much pain on her left upper back side. We brought her for her bone scan this past Friday and today I got the results that she has lesions there as well and that her cancer has progressed. This is all I think about, I am sick to my stomach about it and try to hide it from my kids and husband. I am always sad and I can't get out of this feeling I have, like I'm in another planet or something. I don't know how to help her pain. Pain killers aren't working so now they are suggesting Bone injeciton to strengthen her bones and it helps reduce the pain. She is so tiny now and fragile - she was so outgoing. I am sad, I think about death way to often. She just called me as she told me did the doctor tell you anything and I told her no. This doctor was her Endocrinologist. This Monday we will go to her Oncologist and I know he will tell her and it will destroy her. A part of me is going with her. I'm 40 and cry for my mom. I love her so much, she has given the world to me and my sister. I don't want her to die. I hate cancer, I am sorry for everyone that has this awful disease. I have had counselling and really doesn't help because what they tell me is what I already know but can't listen. Please is anyone going through this with a parent whom they love and can't picture life without. I know everyone on this site is going through this but I don't know what to do. thank you for your time.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

Teena, have you had a report the cancer is untreatable?

What has she been offered for pain?

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I haven't had a report that it is untreatable but I did see the Cancer has progressed and she has bone lesions further. I don't think they can treat lesions without surgery and it's in too many places. She did the hip replacement as her bone was completely finished and Monday we'll find out more things. They have given her Dilaudid for pain but it doesn't help her much and she can't even eat now. thank you for any advice.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

Let them know the pain relief is not working. It would be a shame for her to go through the weekend in pain. There are many types of pain relief they can try.

I don't know the protocol for treating metastasized bone cancer. Perhaps a chemotherapy would work.

Let us know what you find out Monday.

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I'll let you know on Monday. She has had this pain since July now and the doctors are aware, however, they were waiting for the bone scan which should have been done earlier but she was extremely weak.

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AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

I don't have a parent going through this it is me who has cancer and I watch how much my cancer is effecting my mom. I feel that she is going through a lot of what you are going through and it hurts me to see how scared she is that I am going to die. I am 45 with stage four ovarian cancer. Just found out on June 4th of this years. I am a little sacred that this beast will take my life but I am more up set at what it is doing to my mom. I will be praying for you and your mom because this is not an easy road to take but we don't have a choise we have to walk down this road. Feel free to add me as a friend and email me when you need to talk. It will help me to understand what my mom is feeling and it will help you in know what your mom is feeling. God bless you and your family.

Anne
p.s. I am on 30mg of Morphine 3 times a day and 10 mg of oxcodone 1-2 tabs four times a day for pain and it does seem to help have they tried Morphine for your mom?

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I pray for you and everyone with this disease and I am crying even now after reading your post - I am a basquet case can't control myself. I am so deeply sorry you are going through this and don't understand why why why!! I am mixed emotions but mostly now I cry and have such anger. I don't know how to add you as a friend as I am new to this post and if you can let me know I will definately add you. You sound like an incredible person. Thank you so much for writing to me. They have given my mom hydromorphone and dilaudid but it doesn't help her and she can't really eat much. I am dreading seeing her Oncologist Monday so deeply. Thank you Anne, god bless you and your family as well. YOu are too young to be taken and I don't want you to be taken because I need you to help me as well. big hug from CAnada.

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AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

By my name you will see a little person just click on it and that will add you as my friend also here is my email address annebehymer@cox.net you can also eamil me. I am fighting this fight will all I have and my numbers are looking good. I believe God is not going to let this cancer take my life I will be hear for you anytime you need to talk and I have been praying for your mom. Crying is a good thing is cleans our souls but don't let they anger control you that wont help you or your mom and will only cause you more pain. Sending hugs your way and will talk with you soon I hope.

Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I have now added you as a friend thank you so much and I also took down your e mail address and I will write to you from work some times as well. God won't let you down, I know the other day I was angry but I am back to hope again and prayer. My boys had swimming today and my dad came and he was very down with tears and I had to be strong for him. He told me what will I do, how will I cope and I told him NOT ALONE. I will be there every way I can and so will my sister. We will not leave him fight alone. I will find out as much as I can on MOnday from her Oncologist. A good friend of mine brought me some Naturopath remedy called BACH not sure about it but honestly I need something or I'll have a nervous breakdown soon. I have 3 amazing boys and a good husband and when they aren't looking is when I break down but other times they see me I can't help it. Do you have your own family? HOw is your mom doing/coping. You are in my prayers now every day because I need you as well even though we never personally met I know you are meant to help me so fight fight for your mom, your family and God has to listen. Wishing you a good night. Big hugs back. Tina

ps I'm sure she already knows this 10 folds but tell your mom she has an amazing wonderful daughter.

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AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

Your right my mom always tells me oh amazing I am as I fight this battle. You said when your husband and children aren't looking is when you cry I understand when around your children but you need to let your husband hold you as you cry. I know that when I am feeling really bad physically and emotionally I lay down on the couch beside my mom and sometimes just cry and it has helped me many times. It will also make him feel like he is helping you out. Your father needed to hear that you and your sister will not let him go through this alone but make sure you are not going through this alone. Email me any time it will be nice having a pen pal as I go through this and tell your dad he is in my prays also we all can use all the support we can get. Even if it is from someone we have never met :). Also tell him he has an amazing daughter also. Let me know what you find out on Monday with your mom I have an appointment with my GYN/ONC just so we can go over the entire test I have had. I already know that the results are good I just want to ask about remission and things like that since I am getting better faster than we thought. Have a great weekend dear friend and I will talk with you later.

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Oh Teena, I have no magic words for you because I need them myself. Please know that you are not alone. My sister is dying at the age of 59 and I have never been so sad in my whole life. I pray for peace, I pray for her to go in her sleep, I pray that I will live through this and sometimes there is nothing to be done but to cry. I'm so sick of crying. I go to work and I have my husband (thank God) and from one moment to the next I just keep on going. It's not one day at a time it's one minute or hour at a time. My sister will not give up, God bless her, but it is taking a toll on the whole family. To add insult to injury she has a traumatic brain injury and is very difficult to deal with. Before all this I thought of myself as a very sane and joyful person but this past year has changed me. All I can offer is that you are not alone.Forgive me for not being uplifting in response to your cry for help but when I read your post I just felt your pain and had to reach out cause I so understand it. Before this, I had no idea what families all over the world were going through. Now that I know, it amazes me to know there is so much suffering. It's weird I know. God bless you my dear and let's pray for each other. We will get through it.

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I am sorry about your sister, she is so very young and I as you had no idea how many people were suffering. Maybe I was ignorant because it had not touched me. I mean I would contribute to Breast Cancer Runs, and Terry Fox runs and have empathy when I would hear of someone with it but to have it first hand has blown me away. I am not the same person anymore at all. I use to laugh, loved to shop and gossip with my friends and now I just feel like a robot. I go to work, I do house things, I take care of my boys and at night I cry and log on to this site to have people like you comfort me and you really do because I don't feel so alone. I don't know what I would do without my husband and children and I never want to find out. I am terrified of them getting sick now. I don't want my mom suffering from the pain and I don't want her in palliative care - I want her home peacefully in her sleep to go without seeing us cry hysterically. I love her so much. She has been such an amazing mom to me and my sister and the greatest grand momma. My kids see her from time to time but they are young and it kind of freaks them out a little. I am baffled that this is happening to so many, my husband says it's population control. To me it's a slow torture. I wish you the best with your sister. Thank you for listening.

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

I tell my mom all the time were there this many reports of cancer or is it just because having cancer I notice it more. She thinks it is because now that it has touched our lives (and boy has it touched our lives) that now when we hear the word cancer on t.v. that we both stop what we are doing to listen. I think that is the same thing you and Alexandria are going through. When you (I) first start to deal with the news it is all consuming and everwhere you go or everthing you hear seems to be about cancer. As you start to come to terms with the cancer it does not seems to be everywhere you are. I will not say that it will not consume you because I am still early in this walk and it does on some day seems to consume me. I will say as you learn more about you moms or sisters cancer it becomes a little easier and I mean a little. Cancer is such a small word that has a very large impact on your life. I do not believe I will ever go back to normal even if I beat the odds and survive stage four ovarian cancer (which I am planning on doing :))I will never be normal again. This is why I have a new outlook on life I take the time to stop and smell the roses if you know what I mean. I also will always until the day I die worrie about having a reacerance so every little runny nose will make me wonder. I also will love my family so much more than I ever had before if that is possible because I know life can end at any time. I will be praying for you also Aleandria as you walk this road now one really wants to be on.

Anne

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Thank you for the prayers Anne. Your story is so interesting, as everyone's is, and your attitude is beautiful. Keep it up and keep us posted.

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

Let me know what I can do for you it could be praying or just let you vent to me what ever you need I will try my best to help you.

Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

How are you feeling Anne? I write so much about my own problems that I haven't asked you about how you are doing. HOw is your mom coping? Tomorrow I'll go to Oncologist with my parents, so not looking forward to it.... Wishing you a good evening and a good week. xox

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

I am doing ok tomorrow I go in for my blood draw before my chemo they have to make sure the my white count is good so I can have the chemo. So far it has been good then after blood draw I will be with my GYN/ONC to go ever how I am doing so far with the treatment I am always a little shakey about it wondering if in all the blood test and cat scans they find something different or that I am going to be doing worst than I thought. Then on Thursday I have my 5th round of chemo. I have only two more of the three drugs together and then I will be down to just advastin for five more months. My mom is doing ok but the stress and emotional drain has given her a bad migrian so this weekend she was in bed most of the day. My mom is on disability for fibromyalgs and migrianes so this is taking a toll on her. When I am in the hospital which I have been in six time since June I have to make her go home to get rest. I worry about this running her down to much. Let me know what the doctor says about your mom. I am praying for the best.

Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I will write you later tonight if I can and let you know what the Oncologist has to say. Thank you for the kind words in your other message and I will pass the message to my dad :) I will also cry more on my husbands shoulder as he feels helpless at times knowing he can't help me. I just want you to know that you have helped me dearly as have others on this site. I am still in an emotional roller coaster and not in the best state mentally but I have found some relief with you's and I appreciate and love you for that. Your mom needs to take care of herself as well as Fibromalgia and migraines are so very hard to deal with. Good luck my sweet friend and you will give me good news OK ;) xoxo

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

your emotion are going to be up and down mine still are. Just don't let them over run your life. That is why I said cry on your hubbies shoulder and let him carry the weghit for a while it will make him feel like he is helping you. Good luck to day and you are in my prays also. I will make sure my mom get some rest I know what it is like I have fibromalgia and migrianes also. Take care dear friend until I we talk again

In God love
Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Hello Anne,

Sorry to hear you even have fibromalgia and migraines. Do you take Lyrica for the Fibromalgie?

We went to the Oncologist and my mom was so terrified it was all over her face and skinny little body. The Oncologist took one look into her eyes and for the first time I could see he felt her fear. He did not give her too many details, actually not any at all concerning her bone scan. He let me read it in full and it shows multiple lesions through her body some existing and have grown and some new one's. I have no idea how I held back just flipping out but I did. The doctor told my mom that he will put her on a treatment for her bones to strengthen, it's called Zometa. I haven't had a chance to read up on it yet but i'll do so evenutally. She had her first treatment today. She was so scared like a little girl. I don't know if I mentioned and I should probably write it in my profile but my mom was on the chemo agent Sutent. It's a chemo form pill. Anyways, she almost died on it, she had brain swelling and seizures. The then Oncologist refused to take her off so I kind of had a small war with him and switched doctors. I went with his colleague so you can imagine the tension. All this to say is that my mom so fears anything they give her now. She asked me 100 times if she's ok and if they see anything and I lie lie lie telling her no and that it is for her bones to get stronger that's all. I cannot be the one to break her spirit I just can't. I'm sorry I'm going on so much. We were at the hospital today from 8 am until 5, it is emotional drain seeing all these people with Cancer so sick, so pale, so unfair. I thought about you very much today, what did your doctor tell you? How are you doing? You know you told me your mom said to you that when you can't fight no more to stop fighting, I am not ready to tell this to my mom, it scares me so much to say these words because I feel she will just stop. Take care sweet Anne and whenever you can let me know how you are. Tomorrow I'll go back to work so I will probably write to you from there if I have some time. I pray for you and your family always now...

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AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

You will know when you can let your mom know that it is ok to let go. You will be able to see it in her eyes when she is ready to go but do not give up hope on her. I don't know why some seem to do well and others don't but I do know there is hope in all this mess. I am stage four which in it self means I am in the last stages of it. Most people in stage four do not survive. Well I did meet with my doctor today and was not ready for what he had to tell me. This appointment had me scared because I knew this was the first appointment after my first four rounds of chemo and this was going to be the appointment were he let me know if I was going to be able to beat the cancer. It was on my mind so much that I did not sleep well last night. I got there at 1pm for my weekly blood draw went from there to my GYN/ONC. He walked into the room and sat down looked right at me and said the words I did not think I would hear at this point of my treatment but I am in remission. There is no cancer right now. I will have to finish my next two rounds of taxol/chemo and advastin. After that I was to be on the Advastin for five more months and then be done with the chemo. He has decieded to keep me on the Advastin as a maintance chemo for the next two years and then he would talk to me about coming off the chemo. He did think that I might have to stay on it to say in remission unless I start having problems with the chemo. So right now I am going to rejoice in the remission and worry about the advastin and being on it so long for later. I tell you all of this to say there is hope from your mom I will continue to pray for her and your father and you. Lean on me when you need it and don't worry about how long your emails might be I have enjoyed being there for you and you are helping me as to know how my mom feels when I have to go through the chemo or in the doctors for an update. By the way she was with me when I got the news we both have not slept well because of our worring so when we got home we both fell asleep but we first rejoiced in the news she is taking me out for lunch on Thursday to celebrate the news. Please emial me when you get to work tomorrow.

Anne

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Oh Anne, you have made my day, my week, my month! Good for you. Please embrace it. I work with a friend who had stage 4 colon cancer and went into remission and instead of being thrilled she was sort of shocked and it took her precious time to process it. I totally understand her confusion. The feelings we have when we're waiting for these important appointments is gross. I go with my sister again on Wednesday and I feel like it will be to discuss hospice and believe me, the night before I will be throwing up on myself. I am coming to terms with losing my sister, my biggest problem now is that I have to watch her suffer and because of her head injury she is becoming worse and worse in terms of agitation and being difficult. The hospice nurses will have their hands full, believe me. I must get ready for work but I am so happy for you. Have a good day friend.

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

for your sister pray over her the peace of God over her each time to seem to be getting upset. I belive in laying on of hand that is praying while you are touching her see if that will calm her dowm

Anne

p.s. I am embracing my remission

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Anne I am so so soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you this is wonderful. I am at work right now and have access to this great site so I was able to write. I am ecstatic for you and you have put a smile on my face today when no one could. Enjoy every minute of life and eat and have the best time. This is just the best news. I prayed for you last night and told God how much you and Alexandria have helped me. Stay this way OK! Also you are in Arizona wow it's super hot there and beautiful I've heard. One day I hope to meet you Anne from Arizona. God bless you and have the best lunch ok! HUGE HUG AND KISS!

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

thank you so much I will enjoy every minute of my life I was a little scared to tell you with the news you got about your mom it is hard to be happy about my news when you are in such much pain but that is why I keep saying don't give up hope if God could do this for me he could do this for her I am thankfull every day for our friend ship and Alex my two sisters in the lord I will keep you both in pray and close to my heart and I will still visit this site every day because I have met so many wonderful ladies here

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Don't ever feel scared to share your good news with me as true friends are thankful and grateful of such news and not for a minute did I think well why not my mom. I want you 100% healthy and you have been through very much and I know you will enjoy every minute now.

Good day Anne write you soon :)

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AnneBehymer
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Joined: Jul 2011

Ok I have tried to send this two time before but when I woke put the second time while trying to send this I deceided to get some sleep. thank you so much for your kind words I hope your day went well tomorrow is my eight hour chemo day you may not hear much from me for about a week. The chemo can knock me on my butt so some time my friends do not hear from me for about a week so don't worry if you don't hear from me. My mom has a list of people that I want her to contact incase I pass away you are now on that list. She will conctact you if I end up in the hospital or if I pass. I will talk with you later.

Much love,
Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I always want to be contacted by my dear friend Anne OK. I know you are not feeling well today and do not worry about writing, know I am thinking about you/praying for you's and right now you have to rest and take the best care of yourself. We will touch base when you are feeling up to it. xoxo

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I am sorry about your sister, she is so very young and I as you had no idea how many people were suffering. Maybe I was ignorant because it had not touched me. I mean I would contribute to Breast Cancer Runs, and Terry Fox runs and have empathy when I would hear of someone with it but to have it first hand has blown me away. I am not the same person anymore at all. I use to laugh, loved to shop and gossip with my friends and now I just feel like a robot. I go to work, I do house things, I take care of my boys and at night I cry and log on to this site to have people like you comfort me and you really do because I don't feel so alone. I don't know what I would do without my husband and children and I never want to find out. I am terrified of them getting sick now. I don't want my mom suffering from the pain and I don't want her in palliative care - I want her home peacefully in her sleep to go without seeing us cry hysterically. I love her so much. She has been such an amazing mom to me and my sister and the greatest grand momma. My kids see her from time to time but they are young and it kind of freaks them out a little. I am baffled that this is happening to so many, my husband says it's population control. To me it's a slow torture. I wish you the best with your sister. Thank you for listening.

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Teena, I am happy to listen. God knows I need someone to listen to me. That is why I am seeing a therapist. If I had my way all I would talk about would be this but I have to spare my friends. They want to be there for me and for my sister but they can only hear so much. Some days I am so desolate that I feel like if someone could see inside me they would actually be afraid. And then I think, but I don't have cancer! It's pretty bad when that is what brings me some solace; the fact that I don't have cancer. I am lucky because I do not have children to care for while this is going on. I promise you that you are in my prayers from now on. It is incredibly cruel in a way that our loved ones passing is what is going to set us free. I can't wrap my head around it but I know it's true. Please stay as calm as you can and talk to a priest or counselor if you have access to it. It does help me a little. xo

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

When you write it's as if it's me. When you wrote some days you are so desolate.... omg that is how I feel. Yesterday was my son's Soccer party and I looked around everyone having the greatest time and there I was feeling numb. One man came up to me and asked me where I am because it is so obvious. Sometimes I feel like slapping myself to get a grip! Tomorrow will be extremely hard as my mom will find out that her cancer has progressed, it's news I don't know how she will take but I'm guessing lots of tears and why's. I will look into therapy again when I can, so many things going on I have no time. Thank you for prayers as now my new friends are in mine as weel. You and Anne and I always mention everyone with this awful disease. Wishing you a good evening and a good week. Thank god for our children as this is what helps me a little bit. xoxo

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

I will be thinking of you and Anne today so much. Strength for all of you. Anne sounds so strong it inspires me. As for you Teena, I think part of your problem is that you are in shock. As I have gone through this with my sister there have been times when I have actually been "shocked" and it is those times on the roller coaster that I shed the most tears. In August my younger sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was as if a bomb had gone off. All my senses seemed to be affected. I don't know how I survived it but I did and God gives me the grace to keep on going. Your family will too. And Anne's and all of us. Neither of my sisters are married so you can imagine that it falls on me. I will continue to check here looking for you. Please keep writing on here. Be strong today. xo

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Now your other sister has Breast Cancer oh god I could not handle more than one person having it in my family. I am sorry Alexandria, God is giving you the grace but I want god to answer our prayers ok.

I was strong today for my parents but inside it is this wrenching feeling that you know what I'm talking about. I am in shock because can you believe for 2 years my mom was misdiagosed as having Acid Reflux. Her voice completely changed so I decided to Google it and it said Thyroid or Lung Cancer. I immediately called the moron treating her for Reflux and he told me that he is the doctor and he can assure me that my mom has no cancer. I took his word for another couple of months till we saw her GP and I brought it up to his shock that the moron (sorry) never put a camera down her throat to be sure. We changed specialists who put the camera and sent her ASAP to the hospital Endocrinologist department where all the nightmares began. Yes doctors are human and make mistakes BUT had he put the damn camera my mom would have Thyroid Cancer maybe stage 2, surgery etc... but no, we found out late, she had stage iv and later moved to her bones. I wrote the details of what happened today to Anne if you want to take a look, all I can say, she cried very much today and it breaks every ounce of my heart. She use to weigh 150 she is now 99 pounds. She is frail and in pain. The doctor put her on a treatment but the pain is so much he didn't really mention anything but to continue the Dilaudid. ok A, I am beat exhausted but I won't go to sleep now because I can't, I'll try to have some tea and watch TV late late so I can be too tired to even think. xox good night, may god help us all

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

for the misdiagnosis and ordeal your mother has had to endure and for the toll it is taking on all of you.

Your mom and your family will be in my prayers, teenadee.

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AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

Here in Arizona we have pain doctors that all they do is deal with pain. I am seeing one now you should as your pcp for a referal to a pain doctor and let him deal with the pain part of this because what the ONC has given her is not working.

Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I am going to ask her Oncologist. Here in Canada I haven't heard of Pain doctors but I am going to ask. xoxo

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

good morning Teena. I am so happy for Anne's news! Don't we need news like that sometimes? I hope you are coping and when you talk about your Dad it breaks my heart. My Dad is helping with my sister who is dying and I know it pains him to see her in this condition. He is being strong but it can't be easy. My husband is so great right now but I do talk to him about not worrying about me. I want him to help and hug and support but not worry because then I worry about him worrying and I don't have enough fuel in the tank to worry about one more person!!! This post is brief cause I have to get ready for work. I'll check back later.
love and light.

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I am so thrilled about Anne I just wrote to her. I needed to hear this news so much today and she as did you put the biggest smile back on my face. You made me laugh when you say worrying about him worrying about you etc... you are so much like me it's not even funny. I dont' have much time either as writing from work but I am coping a little better today. I started taking a naturopath product called BACH Rescue Remedy my friend brought me and it's helping me cope. It's non addictive and all natural products (better be anyways.. ;) I am sorry for your poor dad omg it's his daughter and I can't imagine how he is feeling inside. Probably like us but 100 x worse. How is your other sister - is the breast cancer early stage and they will operate and she will be better? Send me news whenever you can dear friend. huge hugs

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

I'm off to two dr. appointments today. One is the radiology because this is my sister's last day of treatment for pain in her spine. Then we go to the oncologist and I think today he will mention hospice to her for the first time. I have no idea what to expect from her so last night I had that sick feeling about these two appointments. My other sister is 52 and has stage II breast cancer and is on chemo. They are shrinking the tumor and lymph nodes and then doing a lumpectomy. The good news is that the Dr. saw the exact results he wanted after just one treatment. She's had two treatments now and is quite sick but still trying to work on the weekends. Sometimes I swear I don't see any rhyme or reason. I don't understand the suffering. I understand we can't have everyone living to be 80 or 90 but cancer is evil. Anyway I'm rambling. Just wanted to touch base and ask for some more prayers. And Teena, if you don't mind, how old is your dear mother? I'll check back soon. xo

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Alexandria, I am at my desk right now saying prayers. I said them last night and I will say them always for you and your family. I can't imagine how hard today will be with the doctor saying 'hospice', just thinking about it makes me sick myself (big help I am). Please let me know how it goes. Your other sister is stage II and the treatment is working this is promising news. I can't understand either this disease, a friend of mine asked me when I first found out about my mom, isnt' it better you know her illness than her just passing from heart failure or something. I don't particularly opt for either but the suffering is just unbearable. I wonder if anyone reads what I write and thinks 'well try doing the treatment yourself' and talk about unbearable. I hope not because I truly empathize with what a cancer patient is going through, all the poison to kill the poison, the constant needles, the constant feeling of being sick, I see it daily and just don't get it. I don't think we will ever make sense of it ever. Today my mom is not feeling good, she's quite sick can't keep food down and has an awful cough. Her body hurts much so she is taking more of the Dilaudid till we see the next steps. Thank you for asking. xox

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

from at least me I would never say have chemo and then get back to me on how it feel. You don't have cancer but you a living it through your mom. You know what she goes through the pain it causes and how it wears on your body. I will contnue to pray for your mom and you and your dad. It is a long rouad to walk but it will bring you closer to you I am sorry but I am having problems typing and staying focused because of all the pain medicatin I am on so if you don't understand something I said it is because I am high as a kite lol legally. My world has been spinning today lol. Stop stying to make sense of this beast you never will.

Lots of love
Anne

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

teena, I hope no one reads and thinks that we are thinking we have it worse than anyone who actually has cancer. I know that everyday but every single person on this site is in their own hell. Let's just call it what it is. I have learned that I am not as brave as I thought I was. I had to cancel my sister's radiation this morning cause she couldn't make it and then I was making her coffee and I watched her lose balance and fall down and hit her her onthe table. She also broke one of the tumors that is protruding from her emaciated body. I became hysterical and have been all day. She is in the hospital tonight for a couple of nights while we are lining up hospice and my eyes are bulging out of my head from crying. Not because of hospice but because I was so severely traumatized by watching her fall. I posted here earlier and it did not go through which is just as well cause I was beside myself at the time. Because of her head injury everything is difficult beyond the norm and in the hospital all she kept asking was "when can I go home?" I always let caregivers know about her brain condition. When she is healthy she is perfectly capable of living independently but now we'll see what is next. Please know that when I say I cannot bring her to my house to die that I do so with so much pain. It just cannot be. I am not strong enough to a) watch it and b) have her be mean to me. I am a little bit ashamed of that but it is the truth. We will see what hospice says. Sometimes our tears and our pain goes in cycles and today unfortunately it is all about me. I know everyone on here is suffering somehow but I can only help myself right now. Having said that, I will have you and Anne in my prayers. Hey Anne, can I have some of your pain medicine? I'll try anything! God bless survivors, caregivers, families and the ones still fighting. After all this I realize that bucket lists and tearful coherent goodbyes are mostly from Hollywood. God bless us all. much love. By the way, my name is Nadine and I live in Oregon. Alexandria is my middle name and I just used it as a sign on as I sometimes do on sites. xoxoxox

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Nadine, I just read your comment and I am balling for you!! I cannot believe this is happening to you and your family. Your sister dear lord why does she have to suffer this much of course you are traumatized who wouldn't be. I am picturing it and have shivers. I know you don't want to take your sister to your house to pass away, I would not be able to do it either. I feel for you so much. Do not feel ashamed OK!! This is just awful and wish we could meet in person to comfort each other but you have done so much for me already. You, Anne and this site have helped me cope more than I thought I could. I still have anxiety and cry but I feel now I can talk to you through the site. Your sister is now in the hospital for the fall, is she ok - I mean I know she's not but is she ok from the fall. You know when you say you don't want her to be mean to you, I know exactly what you feel because sometimes when my mom is going through insane pain and can't take it no more she will do and say things I know she doesn't mean but she says it and it does hurt. You are a good sister Nadine, not many stick by their family like you do, like I do so we are good people and we pray for everyone with Cancer. I hope you are doing a bit better now and I hope you have your family close to you now, your husband and children. I am sending you as much positive energy as I can send and know that I am here for you. My name is Tina and I'm from Montreal, Canada. You have a beautiful name Nadine Alexandria :)

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

and not hear to put each other down. Nadine and Alexandria people with cancer when in so much pain sometimes will miss place our anger and it hits the people we love because we know at the end of the day you will still love us. Add a brain trama to the mix and hit is even harder not to do miss place your anger I love you both and know you are doing your best. I came home from chemo and passed out from not getting sleep last night and I will be going to bed again real soon just know how much I am hear for you and that you are doing the best you can and you are doing a great job.

Anne

Oh by the way just to cheer you up. I found out what my ca125 was today our normal ca125 which is how we track cancer for women if they have camcer tumers is 0-21 when I found out I had ovarian cancer mine was at 2000. After four treatments only mine is down to 5 hoping next treatment it is down to 0. I am at the top of my class in the trial only took getting cancer to make me top of the class.

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

your count and you! love you! rest now ok

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

your count and you! love you! rest now ok

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

So you can come back and and be the best sister like you know you can be. Shame on anything who could make you feel less of that. When a caregiver is there all the time and does not take care of her self some so times it will cause them to break down and who would not lose it when they see someone the love with all their heart fall and hurt themselt that bad. Nadine (oh by the way may name is Phyllis I use my middle name also)don't let them get you down and I am sorry they have made you feel that way I have seen the real you and I know you love your sister with all you heart. You can email me at my home email when you need to talk it is annebehymer@cox.net.

Anne

Sending you hugs have a good night and get some rest

alexandria54
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Thank you so much Phyllis. I am trying so hard to not lose my mind. May I please emphasize here that my situation is different because of her head injury. She will not make decisions to sign anything. Advanced Directive, hospice enrollment, home nursing help. Everything has to be mulled over and there is no making her do anything. And believe me when I tell you, that's just the half of it. So I have to do the best I can and if she falls down she falls down. I can't be there 100 percent of the time and coming to terms with all this is a *****. I did realize yesterday though, my biggest obstacle is my fear. Imagine someone was trying to drag you INTO a burning building. You would be kicking and screaming and crying and dragging your feet and that's how I feel. Watching this, and doing this, awful. It is quite strange to think of myself as a competent person and one who gets things done and now I am almost paralyzed. At some point I have to Let Go and Let God.
I am so happy for your news Anne. Keep on fighting the good fight. Your attitude is superb and I really mean that. I may take you up on the private email and right now I have to get to work. Going to go and try to feel like a normal person.
love, Nadine

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I am so glad you wrote as I was very worried about you. I just wanted to let you know that Phyllis Anne told me to tell you that she is ok and that after her 8 hour Chemo she rests very much so she may not be able to respond on the site. I am sorry Nadine that you are going through all of this, I know I'm a broken record but I just cannot understand why people need to suffer so damn much. Are you your sisters legal guardian? Does she still make her own choices concerning treatments and things? The hospice for her is the end so I can't imagine how she's coping either and the head injury my god I just don't know what to say. I am sorry and all I can do is ask God to help you more and more and to try to help your sister get somehow at peace. I gave up trying to be normal months ago. I am in this crazy little world in my head and can't snap out of it. love Tina

AnneBehymer's picture
AnneBehymer
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

You said a mouth full right there and that is sometimes all we can do is let go and let God becuase we can not handle it on our own. Have you thought about having your sister declared incompetent I do not know if your state allows it but it sounds like from her brain injury she is not longer able to make wise deceicetions for herself you should look into getting a lawer because trying to do this on your own could be more trouble. I don't ever like telling someone to do this to a family member but it looks like that is your only hope. I will be praying for you and your family please keep in contact with me I may not answer right back because the week after chemo is so hard for me but I will do my best to answer you. Take care my dear friend I am here if you need me.

Anne

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Nadine,

I haven't heard from you in a long time and I'm worried. Are you doing ok? How are your sisters? Please if you have a minute, let me know how you're doing. xox

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