Struggling with negative thoughts

dbhadra
dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
I feel like I keep posting the same issues over and over again and you must all be tired of listening but...here it goes again!

Driving down this weekend to Virginia beach all I could think about was cancer and death. I started thinking about all the happy trips we'd taken in the past, and then worrying that this was my last one. We're here with a group of friends and I'm feeling so resentful of their normal lives and the fact that they have not been going through eight months of treatment for breast cancer, as I have.

Plus, I remain so anxious about recurrence and struggle all eve day with negative thoughts about dying, leaving my kids, etc etc. I'm working with a great oncology therapist and am better than I was a few weeks ago, when I was a complete emotional wreck post surgery and pathology report. But still wonder, will I ever feel happy and normal again?

I read the posts here and am so impressed at the positive attitudes I see here. I wish I could get to that place of peace with all the uncertainty surrounding the future. I feel so envious of the people who are not dealing with cancer and all the uncertainty it brings. This weekend has been a tradition with friends, and I wanted to come since I knew our kids would enjoy it, but I'm wondering if I made a mistake and should have just stayed home and been miserable rather than driving here only to be miserable.

Thanks for listening. I'm heading for bed and hoping to be in a better place mentally tomorrow.

Laura
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Comments

  • sinee
    sinee Member Posts: 196 Member
    Those thoughts
    My Dear Laura, we have all had those thoughts. I will bet that each and everyone of us that have heard those words you've got cancer, #1 imagined their funeral, #2 thought about all the things and people we would miss #3 worried about how the people we left behind, well our death caused them pain. #4 wanted to go back, change the day we started smoking, or whatever the many other things we can imagine as to be the cause, that somehow is our fault that we did, that caused us to get cancer and change it. phew. #5 live with it everyday and can't imagine it ever being overwith. I could go on but in the interest of space, let me say...glad you took that trip to Virgina Beach, I hope you pause long enough to think about all the times you took that trip for granted, just like all the friends with you are doing right now. Then remeber that this could be the last trip for anyone of them, and if they knew that, well, they would not take this trip for granted. You still don't know what will cause your death any more than your friends you are with do...so just for today...you have my permission to feel certain, yes that is right, feel certain that you are going to die, ok, now that you have done that, take a nice deep breath and say, but not today, today I am going to enjoy the ocean, my dear friends, the sun, the kids, the noise, the sparkle on the water, the air, the smells, the sand in my shoe...today I will choose to be alive in this the very moment that I am living....now smile...you have changed, you can't go back to not having cancer, today you realize what you always took for granted, life...you unlike the friends around you...can feel, smell, touch, breath,smile,enjoy,know,believe,and jump for joy for the moment you are in..now if your friends knew you could do this, they would be envious of you....don't share this post with them it should be your secret, or you could choose one friend to share this with, and change another persons day....pick a friend, show them what you wrote, and what I wrote, give them a hug, and show them the day, the way you know can see it...love u laura, sinee
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    Time
    Sometimes it takes time to come to terms with what you have been going through when you get your diagnosis. I am jealous all the time of those who get to live a life different than mine. However, I then realize that for many of them, life is a lot more superficial. It is not thier fault, it is just the way it is. I am sure you have heard the expression that God does not give you more than you can handle. I would often like to holler back, "I am not as capable as you think, so let up."

    I am glad you went on this trip too. A change of scenery beats the same old environment day after day, even if you feel a bit unable to enjoy it. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions of things until it begins to feel natural again. Hope you find a way to enjoy your traditional get away.
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    As much of a struggle as it
    As much of a struggle as it is, I believe that taking this trip is a good thing - one more baby step through the quagmire towards a bit of inner peace. Please have faith that it will come. xoxoxoxo Lynn
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    Laura,
    Even people with out

    Laura,
    Even people with out cancer deal with uncertainty. They worry about if they will be around (not to the extent we do I imagine). They worry about what the future will bring, how their kids will grow up. If they will have a job next year or their spouse. These are all really normal and especially normal thoughts given your past year.
    The more you do normal, the easier it will get. At first it may be hard to accept that life can get back to normal stuff with cancer but you will get there.
    Cindy
  • SIROD
    SIROD Member Posts: 2,194 Member
    For Laura: Dealing with Negative Thoughts
    Hi Laura,

    If you are new to cancer than these thoughts are very normal. As you progress away from treatments, your thoughts will become more positive. Fear of recurrence once diagnose with breast cancer is very normal. Unlike other cancers, 5 years doesn't mean much. Breast cancer can return up to 30+ years later. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, so it's always best to enjoy today. There are so many more options in treating Breast Cancer that has spread today. It is not an immediate death sentence, so you don't have to plan your funeral right away. It is always best to have a will and take care of the legal parts but that is for everyone, not only for those who were diagnose with breast cancer.

    If the cancer returns, you will deal with it in the same manner you dealt with the original diagnose.

    My way of dealing with negative thoughts is to find something else to do. Call a friend, go sit in the sunshine, read a book, read a book to your children, bake something, anything to refocus your thoughts.
    If this doesn't help, it is ok to ask your health provider to give you a little something for this phase.

    Wishing you the best in enjoying life in the NOW.

    Doris
  • epark
    epark Member Posts: 339
    SIROD said:

    For Laura: Dealing with Negative Thoughts
    Hi Laura,

    If you are new to cancer than these thoughts are very normal. As you progress away from treatments, your thoughts will become more positive. Fear of recurrence once diagnose with breast cancer is very normal. Unlike other cancers, 5 years doesn't mean much. Breast cancer can return up to 30+ years later. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, so it's always best to enjoy today. There are so many more options in treating Breast Cancer that has spread today. It is not an immediate death sentence, so you don't have to plan your funeral right away. It is always best to have a will and take care of the legal parts but that is for everyone, not only for those who were diagnose with breast cancer.

    If the cancer returns, you will deal with it in the same manner you dealt with the original diagnose.

    My way of dealing with negative thoughts is to find something else to do. Call a friend, go sit in the sunshine, read a book, read a book to your children, bake something, anything to refocus your thoughts.
    If this doesn't help, it is ok to ask your health provider to give you a little something for this phase.

    Wishing you the best in enjoying life in the NOW.

    Doris

    Laura
    never feel we are to tired to listen to you. We all go through that. once we were diagnosed with breast cancer our lives has changed forever.vent all you want its good for the soul.i agree with Doris whenever those negative thoughts hit you keep yourself busy and enjoy the moment.

    stay strong my sister and always remember i may have breast cancer but cancer don't have me.


    Hugs
    Eva
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    Laura, please see my
    Laura, please see my PM.

    Healing hugs for you,

    Linda
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member

    Laura, please see my
    Laura, please see my PM.

    Healing hugs for you,

    Linda

    Laura,
    Back in 2000 when I

    Laura,
    Back in 2000 when I had my first of several different cancers I had the same thoughts and feelings that come with a cancer diagnosis. After my surgery and radiation I still had fears, concerns, what ifs and I tried many ways to work through them. What I found helped me the most was to imagine it was ten years in the future and how I would feel about how I used that time. I realized that it would be such a waste of my life if I didn't live it as fully as possible. Well, it's been 11 eleven years, nearly twelve, and I have had some other cancers since then and I am still plodding along. How do I feel more than 10 years later? Good, actually great. I didn't let that first cancer rob me of my tomorrows and I didn't let any of the others do that either. Keep working with your therapist and keep posting when you feel this way. It helps to verbalize the feelings. The best advice I can give you is don't let your fears of tomorrow rob you of today.
    Prayers and hugs.
    Stef
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    fauxma said:

    Laura,
    Back in 2000 when I

    Laura,
    Back in 2000 when I had my first of several different cancers I had the same thoughts and feelings that come with a cancer diagnosis. After my surgery and radiation I still had fears, concerns, what ifs and I tried many ways to work through them. What I found helped me the most was to imagine it was ten years in the future and how I would feel about how I used that time. I realized that it would be such a waste of my life if I didn't live it as fully as possible. Well, it's been 11 eleven years, nearly twelve, and I have had some other cancers since then and I am still plodding along. How do I feel more than 10 years later? Good, actually great. I didn't let that first cancer rob me of my tomorrows and I didn't let any of the others do that either. Keep working with your therapist and keep posting when you feel this way. It helps to verbalize the feelings. The best advice I can give you is don't let your fears of tomorrow rob you of today.
    Prayers and hugs.
    Stef

    Thanks all
    For your wonderful messages!

    Headed to the beach now to gaze at the waves....and enjoy some moments hopefully.

    Laura
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    Have courage.....
    Have courage for the great sorrows of life, and patience for the small ones.And when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake!
    -Victor Hugo
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    We get it, Really
    You don't have to feel bad about posting, that's what we are here for. My last radiation trtmt was 7/8/11, I have seen EVERY doctor who has anything to do with my care, some more than once. I have had my port flushed, my teeth filled, my pap, routine blood work and a pelvic ultrasound and biopsy. Do all of these help? Probably, no one has told me anything really scary. But I do think that the most help has come from 1 thought I seem to have every day....I am not dying of breast cancer today. Yes, I still sometimes get scared and have the exact thoughts you describe, holidays and trips are hard, I look at the world and think of how it will look without me, but I do try to remember that..I am not dying of breast cancer today...a plane might fall from the sky and crush me, some other freak accident may occur, but bc ain't getting me today.

    I really think you sound like you are doing better and what you are feeling is normal.

    Hang in there, we want to hear,

    Jennifer

    P.S. being here in the Midwest I am jealous of your beach weekend hope you enjoy it from here on out!
  • worrywart29
    worrywart29 Member Posts: 1
    epark said:

    Laura
    never feel we are to tired to listen to you. We all go through that. once we were diagnosed with breast cancer our lives has changed forever.vent all you want its good for the soul.i agree with Doris whenever those negative thoughts hit you keep yourself busy and enjoy the moment.

    stay strong my sister and always remember i may have breast cancer but cancer don't have me.


    Hugs
    Eva

    I like your attitude
    My father passed in February with lung cancer and my mother was diagnosed in June with breast cancer, she had one removed with reconstructive surgery and is recovering now. They did not find anything else in the nodes, but recommend chemo to be sure. What is your opinion on this? I just want to see what others out there going through this think. They did say something about a triple negative type cancer. Thank you and I pray for all that have cancer.
  • debi.18
    debi.18 Member Posts: 850 Member
    dbhadra said:

    Thanks all
    For your wonderful messages!

    Headed to the beach now to gaze at the waves....and enjoy some moments hopefully.

    Laura

    Thinking of you
    Hope you enjoyed lots of moments and enjoyed the beach and waves....one of my favorite places to be.

    Please....never apologize, we all go through the same thoughts and feelings. We are all here for each other.

    I remember when I was diagnosed I just kept thinking that I wouldn't be able to see my grandbabies grow up. Then I decided I would not let this rule my life, I was determined to fight it every second of the way. Yep, sometimes it's alot easier to say than to follow through. But everyday is a gift and I try make the best of each.

    Lots of hugs!!
    Debi
  • mollieb
    mollieb Member Posts: 148
    Stay Strong
    Laura, we unfortunately don't get to pick our thoughts. Except for being C-R-A-Z-Y about radiation, I have been blessed with mostly positive thoughts, but I know it has nothing to do with any decision I can make. You don't have to apologize for what is going on in your head. Stick with your therapist, and I bet you will see improvement. It might be slow, gradual, improvement with some backsliding, but you already are noticing that you are feeling better than you were a few weeks ago. Sending good thoughts your way -- and I hope they find their way into your head! Mary
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    mollieb said:

    Stay Strong
    Laura, we unfortunately don't get to pick our thoughts. Except for being C-R-A-Z-Y about radiation, I have been blessed with mostly positive thoughts, but I know it has nothing to do with any decision I can make. You don't have to apologize for what is going on in your head. Stick with your therapist, and I bet you will see improvement. It might be slow, gradual, improvement with some backsliding, but you already are noticing that you are feeling better than you were a few weeks ago. Sending good thoughts your way -- and I hope they find their way into your head! Mary

    so sorry..I am much the
    so sorry..I am much the opposite..I do not worry about test results etc. I try to think good! Even when called back for mammo next day thought no biggie , then biopsy etc..MINE was caught early so I am sure I have not gone through as much as you have!
    TRY journal...i just happned to come across mine yesterday while cleaning out walk in closet...it's amazing now what I wrote in it...IT helped me to jot things down..

    feel better..

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    mollieb said:

    Stay Strong
    Laura, we unfortunately don't get to pick our thoughts. Except for being C-R-A-Z-Y about radiation, I have been blessed with mostly positive thoughts, but I know it has nothing to do with any decision I can make. You don't have to apologize for what is going on in your head. Stick with your therapist, and I bet you will see improvement. It might be slow, gradual, improvement with some backsliding, but you already are noticing that you are feeling better than you were a few weeks ago. Sending good thoughts your way -- and I hope they find their way into your head! Mary

    so sorry..I am much the
    so sorry..I am much the opposite..I do not worry about test results etc. I try to think good! Even when called back for mammo next day thought no biggie , then biopsy etc..MINE was caught early so I am sure I have not gone through as much as you have!
    TRY journal...i just happned to come across mine yesterday while cleaning out walk in closet...it's amazing now what I wrote in it...IT helped me to jot things down..

    feel better..

    Denise
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member

    so sorry..I am much the
    so sorry..I am much the opposite..I do not worry about test results etc. I try to think good! Even when called back for mammo next day thought no biggie , then biopsy etc..MINE was caught early so I am sure I have not gone through as much as you have!
    TRY journal...i just happned to come across mine yesterday while cleaning out walk in closet...it's amazing now what I wrote in it...IT helped me to jot things down..

    feel better..

    Denise

    Just posted this on another
    Just posted this on another thread,
    Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

    Live your life in hope not fear, right now you are grieving. I just felt that way this week, as i was in the infusion room for zometa, brought back alot. Sometimes i get really angry, wishing that I was "normal" too. but it really isnt effective. It is what it is.
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    When I was doing the ACS
    When I was doing the ACS cancer walk, a little girl about 8 reached towards me and handed me the cutest hand colored bookmark with a little girl flying a kite and it says in big letters, "Fight Back!. Whenever I get down (maybe a little today) I think of that bookmark.

    Today, after a rather distressing time, I told Danny we were walking back to the hotel and not taking the darn shuttle. I didn't care how long it took! It felt good to be out in the sunshine and more in control. Find out what it is that helps you to feel better and, more in control.

    And, if you stay down, call your doctor. Depression is very, very common after cancer and the docs know this. Talk with your oncologist first though as some meds are not compatible with our treatments. My oncologist has me on a little lexapro and it really seems to help.
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member
    lynn1950 said:

    As much of a struggle as it
    As much of a struggle as it is, I believe that taking this trip is a good thing - one more baby step through the quagmire towards a bit of inner peace. Please have faith that it will come. xoxoxoxo Lynn

    A trip could be just what
    A trip could be just what you need. Time away, time to relax and just enjoy life as it should be enjoyed. I will continue to pray for you.


    Hugs, Diane
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member

    When I was doing the ACS
    When I was doing the ACS cancer walk, a little girl about 8 reached towards me and handed me the cutest hand colored bookmark with a little girl flying a kite and it says in big letters, "Fight Back!. Whenever I get down (maybe a little today) I think of that bookmark.

    Today, after a rather distressing time, I told Danny we were walking back to the hotel and not taking the darn shuttle. I didn't care how long it took! It felt good to be out in the sunshine and more in control. Find out what it is that helps you to feel better and, more in control.

    And, if you stay down, call your doctor. Depression is very, very common after cancer and the docs know this. Talk with your oncologist first though as some meds are not compatible with our treatments. My oncologist has me on a little lexapro and it really seems to help.

    Reading my reply it has a tone i didnt intend . What I mean is you are going through a grieving process it does get better and you find ways to fight those thoughts. sometimes they take over and you have a bad day. But you will have more and more good days. You will find what works for you to keep those nasty thoughts at bay and enjoy your life again!