My husband has become convinced over the last week that I am "trying to poison" him and that I am "the Antichrist". Giving him his medications (Ativan, Morphine, Dilauded, Prednisone, and oral 5FU) is becoming harder. Tonight he grabbed and twisted my arms for over 2 hours while screaming that he is being held prisoner "locked in" and that I am trying to kill him. He kicked me in the left side of my face, and has left bruises on my arm.
I'm trying to hold out long enough to move him to Indiana (from Texas) to be near his family and see his children before he dies, but to be honest, I'm not sure how I can transport him that distance acting like this. His doctors are NO help at all, and air ambulence costs $20K.
I'm private paying $18 an hour to get home help in a few hours a week to get some relief, but I CAN'T indefinately afford to do that, nor do I feel 100% confident of leaving him in someone else's care when he is behaving violently. If I, who love him, have a hard time dealing with it without losing my temper, how can I reasonably expect anyone else to tolerate it, and I've SEEN the stories on Elder abuse, plus I and my best friend have both worked in Nursing Homes, so I know that is the most underreported abuse.
To be honest, I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've pretty much accepted his Cancer as terminal at this point, barring a miracle (which I do still pray for), but I have no idea what to do right now. His oncologist told me he'd get more and more tired, and sort of slip away with a minimum of pain. That, I could handle...maybe with a lot of sorrow, and crying, but I could handle it. This new violence scares me. It scares me a LOT. Especially as our good times together get fewer and further between. I hate being afraid for and of him (he gets furious when I won't "let" him walk because I fear him falling and hurting himself and me in the process). I also can't help but be angry, not at him, but at the doctors for not preparing me for this, and at the Cancer, for taking what are likely amoung my last memories of my husband, and destroying them. Instead of getting closure and surronding him with love, I spend 1-3 hours a day asking/telling him to take his meds, or trying to convince him I am not trying to hurt/kill him. No, the only one I want to kill is myself (statement of frustration, not intent).
I've got home health for over 12 hours tomorrow, just so I can get some sleep. (I can't remember my last full night of sleep..it might have been April or May)
Can anyone relate to this? Or am I really as ALONE as I feel right now?