How Do You Respond to Such Insensitivity?
Her rely--THAT'S all you can say, you are okay? OMG. I just did not know how to reply, and my first inclination is not to reply at all. Need help on dealing with this insensitive person. THANK YOU ALL!!!
Comments
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You don't owe her ANYTHING!
and that includes any other comment besides your original email. YOU are the one going through all this treatment so YOU are the one who gets to decide if that's 'all you can say'. If that's all you want to say, then so be it! If your sis-in-law really cared to know, she would have been there for you over the last 10 months! If she was there for you, she wouldn't have to ask that question in the first place-she would already know the answer, right? You did the right thing.....and no more reply is owed to her. Just my own opinion. Take care of yourself....
Chris0 -
THANK YOU, that is exactlymckevnic said:You don't owe her ANYTHING!
and that includes any other comment besides your original email. YOU are the one going through all this treatment so YOU are the one who gets to decide if that's 'all you can say'. If that's all you want to say, then so be it! If your sis-in-law really cared to know, she would have been there for you over the last 10 months! If she was there for you, she wouldn't have to ask that question in the first place-she would already know the answer, right? You did the right thing.....and no more reply is owed to her. Just my own opinion. Take care of yourself....
Chris
THANK YOU, that is exactly how I feel! No, she has not been there for me at all, other than to say she added me to her prayer chain. I think in 10months she probably emailed my husband once to ask about me....that's it. Now I really do not have any energy to respond to her questions, nor the desire!0 -
UGH!
Of course the high road is if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all...so I probably would have just "not received" that message so I couldn't reply. However, my inner smart$$$ would want to tell her all of it, every tiny little detail, with dates and times and give a week by week, blow by blow, of the past 10 months she hadn't cared about me, including any little problem that I had at work or any time the dog threw up on the carpet.
Bottom line is You get to tell her what you want to, if she was really concerned where has she been when you could have used a caring e-mail or phone call?
Gee, why don't I give you my opinion, LOL!
Jennifer0 -
Your response is what it is,
Your response is what it is, just what you are feeling at this point in your treatment. It is usually the ones who have not been around and have no idea what you were going through that are the most insensitive and have the least amount of compassion. Personally, no further response is necessary in my book!
Hope you feel better soon and that once you heal from the radiation that the fatigue ends! Those radiation burns are no fun.
~Carol0 -
Initial reaction
I agree with the posts here but consider this...my bro is totally incapable of being there or dealing with anything like this. He is an absolute sweetheart but I watched him retreat from mom and then my dad and of course, me. I love him dearly and recognize how intensely overwhelmed these situations are for him. It isn't that he doesn't care, it is that he cares too much and is terrified to confront it and has no clue how to help.
Do I handle him differently? No. We are very close, he knows I didn't appreciate his lack of attendance during our parent's illnesses, but I hold no grudge as I recognize his limitations and love each other.
I DO know if it came to it, I could call him and he would do ANYTHING I asked asap. But unitiated caregiving is not in him.
Over the years here I have seen many stories of the retreat of friends and family when they got the big C.
Just saying, there can be more than one reason for this, not just disinterest, though that is the most common.0 -
I can't give you ideas about
I can't give you ideas about dealing with this sort of 'family' - literally my family consist of Hubby our 2 adult Sons and 10 y/o G-daughter.
I think that I might come up with something like "Things are bad - I broke my toe when I kicked the door off the hinges while chaseing the "Barking Spider" around the kitchen. Hubby hurt his back wrestling the 'Gator so no fresh meat for a while until that hatching of Rattlers' get big enough to eat unless we find some road kill - possum and 'dilla's are good but hard to come by these days. Rabbit scared the CoonHound so it won't hunt no more. Then the cow quite giving milk so we're back to just water to drink. All the Madagascar CockRoaches hatched at the same time so I'm trying to fid enough cages for them before I have to get them ready for shipment. Truck/Car has a problem - the back tires are running forward.
Really silly stupid things to say.
Susan0 -
The good news was in your
The good news was in your very first sentence...she lives in another state! I think it is a state of insensitivity, or perhaps a state of rudeness, but thank God it's still another state! I cannot begin to imagine if she lived next door or expected you to have dinner with the family every Sunday! If you were closer ( emotionally) even being tired you probably would have gone into greater detail with her. You would have felt safe and comfortable telling her you are exhausted, hurting, nauseated, etc etc. But why on earth would you tell the sister in law from Hades any of that??? You wouldn't and you didn't.
And it seems to me her true colors came through regardless..she made it all about her anyway, didn't she?
Gather strength from those around you who are positive infuences~ cyber family members like the Kindred Spirits here on CSN, as well as actual family and friends who you can confide in and be real with. As for your sister in law? Try not to dwell on the whys and wherefors of her prsonality shortcomings~ just know that she wakes up every day being who she is~ and you? You thankfully get to wake up every day being YOU!
Take care of yourself...we love you, sister!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
I don't know if there is achenheart said:The good news was in your
The good news was in your very first sentence...she lives in another state! I think it is a state of insensitivity, or perhaps a state of rudeness, but thank God it's still another state! I cannot begin to imagine if she lived next door or expected you to have dinner with the family every Sunday! If you were closer ( emotionally) even being tired you probably would have gone into greater detail with her. You would have felt safe and comfortable telling her you are exhausted, hurting, nauseated, etc etc. But why on earth would you tell the sister in law from Hades any of that??? You wouldn't and you didn't.
And it seems to me her true colors came through regardless..she made it all about her anyway, didn't she?
Gather strength from those around you who are positive infuences~ cyber family members like the Kindred Spirits here on CSN, as well as actual family and friends who you can confide in and be real with. As for your sister in law? Try not to dwell on the whys and wherefors of her prsonality shortcomings~ just know that she wakes up every day being who she is~ and you? You thankfully get to wake up every day being YOU!
Take care of yourself...we love you, sister!
Hugs,
Chen♥
I don't know if there is a right or wrong reply here, or, if there was to her email. You hadn't heard from her in months and then she emails you when you were having a bad day.
Trust me, it has happened to all of us. It seems to go hand in hand when you have gone thru all that we do with a bc diagnosis and treatment.
She doesn't live close to you, so, that is a big thing to be thankful for.
I guess what I would say is that if this bothers you, why not just email her real quickly back, don't say you are sorry, because you did nothing to be sorry for. But, just let her know that you were having a bad day and that is why your email was so short. Then end it. If you don't hear back from her, no loss, right?
There is no reason to go into an explanation other than that, unless you want to.
You just live your life, come here and talk to your pink sisters when you feel the need and don't let stuff like your sis in law take up any more time of your life.
Big hugs, Megan0 -
As soon as you said sister
As soon as you said sister in law from H...I thought we might share the same one!
Mine came and visited with 2 very young active grandkids recently. I don't talk to her either....but I played nice for my husbands sake. At one point, she told me she wanted to come back in 2 months because with the grandkids, she hadn't been able to relax. I told her that at that time I would be on my 5th chemo treatment and couldn't commit to wanting company. This isn't her vacation home!! So when she gets home, she calls my hubby and tells him that...like I kept it from him, which I didn't. He tells her the same....she says...ready for this????? " Well it sounds like Sue gets her way"...to which he said "she has cancer....she IS Getting her way".
Some people....just don't get it!!! I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with people
that are there for you all the time, not just when it's convenient for them, and who bring positive to the relationship.....anything else, I just can't deal with. So I can't offer a positive reaction to you for someone who just doesn't get it. I would say YEP and leave it at that lol!!!!0 -
Here's what I didSueRelays said:As soon as you said sister
As soon as you said sister in law from H...I thought we might share the same one!
Mine came and visited with 2 very young active grandkids recently. I don't talk to her either....but I played nice for my husbands sake. At one point, she told me she wanted to come back in 2 months because with the grandkids, she hadn't been able to relax. I told her that at that time I would be on my 5th chemo treatment and couldn't commit to wanting company. This isn't her vacation home!! So when she gets home, she calls my hubby and tells him that...like I kept it from him, which I didn't. He tells her the same....she says...ready for this????? " Well it sounds like Sue gets her way"...to which he said "she has cancer....she IS Getting her way".
Some people....just don't get it!!! I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with people
that are there for you all the time, not just when it's convenient for them, and who bring positive to the relationship.....anything else, I just can't deal with. So I can't offer a positive reaction to you for someone who just doesn't get it. I would say YEP and leave it at that lol!!!!
I had a couple of people in my life who were "toxic" to me while was going through treatment. When I was well, I was able to handle them and move on--but when you're sick and tired it's not that easy. I did not want to be stressed and upset on top of everything else. If I was alone, I let the machine pick up. If it was someone who would boost me up and make me feel better, I'd pick up, if not--forget about it! When hubby was home--he always answered. He'd say, "Oh hello so and so" and I'd either thumbs up him or thumbs down.
Don't feel guilty--you don't need the stress or aggravation right now--you need to try to relax and heal and surround yourself with the people who help you on that path.
Take good care,
Hugs, Renee0 -
Personally I would have said
Personally I would have said " If you cared so much where have you been the last 10 months? " See if she had any response to that!!
I HATE people who don't care enough to talk to you when you need them, but expect you to care when they want something.
angela0 -
exactly what others have said!robang13 said:Personally I would have said
Personally I would have said " If you cared so much where have you been the last 10 months? " See if she had any response to that!!
I HATE people who don't care enough to talk to you when you need them, but expect you to care when they want something.
angela
At this point in our lives, especially, we need to surround ourselves with loving and caring people and avoid the toxic ones. On better days I can deal with some toxic family members, on bad days I can;t and so I don't.
Laura0 -
"YES, b*tch, that's all I
"YES, b*tch, that's all I can say is Im ok" - would be nice "im tired and sore and scared and i dont feel like wasting my precious time going over the details with someone who hasn't shown me much compassion and empathy while I was going through the worst time of my life".
THAT'S what I would say to her, lol. But I'm not one to mince words, lol. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that, i do think if you just do not reply back she will get the hint. If not, you could always start in with the 'four letter words' to her
*hugs*
heather0 -
Good grief!dbhadra said:exactly what others have said!
At this point in our lives, especially, we need to surround ourselves with loving and caring people and avoid the toxic ones. On better days I can deal with some toxic family members, on bad days I can;t and so I don't.
Laura
Your response was perfectly fine - and polite. Her comments don't deserve another response. If she pushes, I'd simply say that I can only say I'm ok because that's what I am, and am trying to focus on my recovery.
And Sue, I can't believe your SIL. I'm so happy your husband responded to her like he did.
I don't know what's wrong with some people and I've come to conclusion that it takes far too much of my time, effort, and emotions to try and figure them out or be right/win. I've sort of reached the point (I hope) where I say what I think, but I try very hard not to have an emotional or retaliative response.
When I finally heard from a friend who hadn't contacted me AT ALL while I was down and out, she called one day because we were both going to the same event and she actually prefaced the call with an apology. My response was to thank her for the apology and that she hurt me deeply by not contacting me when I could have used it, but that I accepted her apology and, in fact, I said I forgave her. A couple of my other friends were up in arms that I "forgave" her. Well, I did. In my mind forgiveness implied that there was something to forgive - I was wronged. I figured I could carry a grude forever or move on. That doesn't mean I'll ever forget that she ignored me when I was sick, but life is too short and I needed to let go of it. It hasn't changed a thing except to provide me peace by letting her know I was hurt instead of "that's ok". It did mean something that she apologized, but I cut her off when she started listing excuses because there simply is no excuse - and I told her that. She dropped off some hand embroidered tea towels after the conversation. I called and thanked her because they were lovely. We used to be good friends. Her behavior changed that - not mine. I haven't heard from her since - and that was April. Oh yes, I did. She called on the 4th of July and asked how to clean her Duettes. I told her and went of with life. She didn't ask how I was doing and I didn't ask her. Our relationship has changed as has many of my relationships. I have no idea what I would have done if she hadn't apologized, tho. She knew she was wrong and it did mean something to me that she apologized.
Cancer changes many things.
Suzanne0 -
This won't be a very popular post...butHeatherbelle said:"YES, b*tch, that's all I
"YES, b*tch, that's all I can say is Im ok" - would be nice "im tired and sore and scared and i dont feel like wasting my precious time going over the details with someone who hasn't shown me much compassion and empathy while I was going through the worst time of my life".
THAT'S what I would say to her, lol. But I'm not one to mince words, lol. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that, i do think if you just do not reply back she will get the hint. If not, you could always start in with the 'four letter words' to her
*hugs*
heather
please try to get over your anger. You're not doing anyone, including yourself any good. As the old saying goes, "Life's too short." It is a fact that most people DO NOT UNDERSTAND what it's like to go through breast cancer and its' treatments. Communication is a two way street. She is married to your brother, perhaps you should have e-mailed a long time ago to let them know what you were going through and followed up now and then as treatment continued. Regardless that you were having a bad day, you might have briefly explained (like in your first paragraph above) a little about what you've gone through and how you're doing now...it wouldn't have taken a moment - that's only a moment out of a lifetime!
If I knew little or nothing about breast cancer, I might have responded the same way she did to your answer. Open the door to communication just a crack and see what developes. IF there's nothing there, then just move on. On the other hand, a whole new relationship may come of it. Best wishes.
Marsha0 -
Your own mental health.
Without being mean, just do or say what is good for your own mental health in replies to such people. You have been through a major illness and if your reply was not to her expectations then perhaps she needs to adjust a bit.
I try to respond in a way that will give me the least amount of regret, so there is no patch up work to do later. I have some rather self centered relatives that I limit not only contact with, but information as well. It is a self preservation thing for me and I see nothing wrong with self preservation nor guarding my mental health.0 -
Sue, thank you so much! ISueRelays said:As soon as you said sister
As soon as you said sister in law from H...I thought we might share the same one!
Mine came and visited with 2 very young active grandkids recently. I don't talk to her either....but I played nice for my husbands sake. At one point, she told me she wanted to come back in 2 months because with the grandkids, she hadn't been able to relax. I told her that at that time I would be on my 5th chemo treatment and couldn't commit to wanting company. This isn't her vacation home!! So when she gets home, she calls my hubby and tells him that...like I kept it from him, which I didn't. He tells her the same....she says...ready for this????? " Well it sounds like Sue gets her way"...to which he said "she has cancer....she IS Getting her way".
Some people....just don't get it!!! I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with people
that are there for you all the time, not just when it's convenient for them, and who bring positive to the relationship.....anything else, I just can't deal with. So I can't offer a positive reaction to you for someone who just doesn't get it. I would say YEP and leave it at that lol!!!!
Sue, thank you so much! I do think we have the same SIL! lol But, good for your husband and his reply to her!0 -
Marsha, no, I am notMarsha Mulvey said:This won't be a very popular post...but
please try to get over your anger. You're not doing anyone, including yourself any good. As the old saying goes, "Life's too short." It is a fact that most people DO NOT UNDERSTAND what it's like to go through breast cancer and its' treatments. Communication is a two way street. She is married to your brother, perhaps you should have e-mailed a long time ago to let them know what you were going through and followed up now and then as treatment continued. Regardless that you were having a bad day, you might have briefly explained (like in your first paragraph above) a little about what you've gone through and how you're doing now...it wouldn't have taken a moment - that's only a moment out of a lifetime!
If I knew little or nothing about breast cancer, I might have responded the same way she did to your answer. Open the door to communication just a crack and see what developes. IF there's nothing there, then just move on. On the other hand, a whole new relationship may come of it. Best wishes.
Marsha
Marsha, no, I am not angry--just disappointed by that side of the family, and so glad they live in another state-lol Everyone who knows me well said I have gone thru this with grace, dignity, and integrety, and for someone to be this insensitive, well, what can I say? She knew a long time ago what I was going thru.....but, has not kept in contact. And now this. No, I don't plan to expound further in the future. Will leave it short and sweet.0 -
Marsha, no, I am notMarsha Mulvey said:This won't be a very popular post...but
please try to get over your anger. You're not doing anyone, including yourself any good. As the old saying goes, "Life's too short." It is a fact that most people DO NOT UNDERSTAND what it's like to go through breast cancer and its' treatments. Communication is a two way street. She is married to your brother, perhaps you should have e-mailed a long time ago to let them know what you were going through and followed up now and then as treatment continued. Regardless that you were having a bad day, you might have briefly explained (like in your first paragraph above) a little about what you've gone through and how you're doing now...it wouldn't have taken a moment - that's only a moment out of a lifetime!
If I knew little or nothing about breast cancer, I might have responded the same way she did to your answer. Open the door to communication just a crack and see what developes. IF there's nothing there, then just move on. On the other hand, a whole new relationship may come of it. Best wishes.
Marsha
Marsha, no, I am not angry--just disappointed by that side of the family, and so glad they live in another state-lol Everyone who knows me well said I have gone thru this with grace, dignity, and integrety, and for someone to be this insensitive, well, what can I say? She knew a long time ago what I was going thru.....but, has not kept in contact. And now this. No, I don't plan to expound further in the future. Will leave it short and sweet.0
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